Friday, December 28, 2007


A couple of people (IRL) have said that at least this miscarriage isn't due to the BT. Or I haven't been pregnant in a while, so at least I know I can still get pregnant. Or that since the BT factor is gone, I must be getting close soon. I don't want an unhealthy baby. Since this is my first miscarriage with donor sperm, it's kind of like it's my first miscarriage.

The people who have said this to me have had some fertility problems of their own.

T tells me that people want to try to look on the better side of things. That when there is something that is so completely crappy, people try to find something good in it. T says that's what the people who say these things are doing.

But to me, that sounds like a pregnancy is something not to be taken seriously. A pregnancy loss is a step along the way. A pregnancy loss is a good start. I can forget about my other three losses because I know why they occurred, and now that we've changed a variable I am starting fresh.

Don't people have a difficult time with one loss? Aren't people devastated when they have one miscarriage? Don't they feel like they've lost a child? Don't they have trouble moving on? Don't they need safety and support to get through it? Aren't other people sorry for their loss?

Just because I have been through this before doesn't mean I've gotten used to it. Just because I had a reasonable expectation that this would happen doesn't mean I'm not bowled over by it.

I have been pregnant four times in the last two years and I have no children. I have injected myself with hormones and gone through surgery, and not once did it result in a healthy response. My husband and I have let go of a genetic connection between my husband and our child. My husband sits next to me and holds my hand while another man's sperm is injected into my body. We pay hundreds of dollars for this privilege. Each time it doesn't work, it hurts. And when we get a small indication that it may work and it doesn't, it hurts even more. Especially when it involves cramping and bleeding and feeling every moment what we are losing.

I feel each of my losses acutely. I don't want anybody to try to get me to look at the bright side of things. There is no bright side of this. This is hell. This is crap. This is being robbed and cheated of something that most people barely even think about. We've had an incredibly difficult time of it, and it sucks. I just want people to say that. Say that it sucks and that you're sorry.

I know that it sucks for me and that I am sorry.

I just found out that I have to wait a whole cycle before starting the pill for my injectible cycle. It will be almost 3 months until I can have another IUI.


Jo said...

It so sucks and I am so so sorry.
More then one loss sucks. each one sucks more. It does NOT get easier or better or even get you "closer"

CLicK said...

I have been checking in on you and was so sad to hear your news. I have been pregnant 3 times in the last 2.5 years and can completely understand that part of your pain. You are strong to keep striving for a child and I wish you the absolute best as you continue down your path...nobody deserves this.

still waiting said...

It really does suck and I am very sorry. AND it double sucks that you have to wait so long to have another IUI.

ultimatejourney said...

It is unbelievably far beyond just sucking. I am very sorry, and also sorry that people (especially those who have had fertility problems of their own) are providing the opposite of comfort. Unfortunately, a lot of people are very uncomfortable with pain and inadvertently make things worse by trying to look on the bright side. The fact is, you have every reason to feel sad and angry, and people should acknowledge that. If anything, I would think this loss is harder given all you've been through.

I'm truly sorry about all of it, including the long waiting period for the next IUI.

If there's anything at all I can do, please don't hesitate to let me know.

My Reality said...

A loss is a loss, it doesn't matter why. It still hurts.

Almamay said...

Beautifully expressed. Your words struck a chord with me. Ultimate Journey said it far better than I could have.

People are afraid of pain and want to diminish what you are going through to make it safe for them.

Sadly, my journey has been a long one and I've found infertiles can be just as insensitive as fertiles. Sometimes they can be even more so because they think they know the answers to your problems.

All I can say is that I'm so very, very sorry. x

Ms. Infertile said...

It does suck. It is hell, and I am so sorry that you are going through this again.
People who use those same old cliches and try to make you feel better don't realize that there is nothing that can make you feel better when you suffer a pregnancy loss. They don't realize that what they are saying hurts too. There is absolutely no bright side to miscarriage.


K77 said...

This m/c sucks, no 2 ways about. It's horrible and unfair and so so sad. I'm sorry you're going through this at all, let alone for the 4th time, let alone after all the shit you've been through just to get pg in the first place.

I don't know either why people have to say such stupid stuff. I guess it's to make themselves feel better.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't have possibly wanted something more than for this to have worked out for you. My heart is breaking for you. It does not get fact, I think it is harder each and every time. I know it doesn't help, but I truly do understand where you are right now and I'm just so so sorry. And I know having to wait so long to try again just adds insult to injury. Please take this time to help your heart heal. You and T are in my thoughts and prayers.

SarahSews said...

It sucks and I'm so very sorry. People do say crappy things when trying to provide comfort. My families favorite was, "at least you can get pg." Except that ignored how tough it really was to get there (15 cycles the first time, 18 more the second). At least meant nothing when it took so long to get there and left so quickly. As i'm sure you understand.

I hope you heal soon.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

This is so sucky and unbelievably hard. I AM SO SORRY! I wish so much that this wasn't happening to you. You have every reason to hurt and honestly you don't need to look at any bright side-you just need to heal however is best for you!

Marcy "meg" said...

It does suck big time and I am very sorry.

JJ said...

Rachel, I am so sorry I have not been over here sooner to check on you--I am so very sorry for this heartache. I am hoping so very much that this fresh start in the new year will bring you so much joy. You and your husband are in my prayers.

Samantha said...

It sucks big time and I'm so sorry.

Ann said...

I came here from Mel's blog, and I am so, so sorry. No, there is NO comfort in "just knowing you're able to get pregnant again." And there's no comfort in knowing what went wrong. The fact is, you lost all those children, and each loss does not bring you a step closer to pregnancy; it brings you back to the beginning.

I so hope you will have a child in your arms soon.