she's here

Well, af has arrived.

I want to thank everyone for their supportive comments. I appreciate it.

We are doing okay. I won't say good, but we are living our daily lives. We are both sad, especially T, but I have mostly been pissed. I'm pissed because I feel like this cycle was a waste. We have three precious tries to have a biological child, and one of them was wasted. My estrogen level at my first blood test was somewhat low. I knew the whole time that it wasn't going to be a successful cycle. Why didn't they up my meds? I know OHSS is a real risk, and they gave me the dose they did to avoid it, but it clearly wasn't happening for me. What would have been the hurt in upping my dose just a little? I was being monitored every 48 hours. My RE always talks about the next time, about how we have plenty of time, etc. To him this was a "learning" cycle, I think. But to us, it's one less try. He thinks we'll do more tries after these three. Well, I know of 2 people with balanced translocations in my state who were not awarded coverage by their insurance recently (even though coverage is mandated in my state) and we will not apply for more tries -- at least not right away. We will pursue another route first. So one of our precious tries is gone, and I'm kind of angry about it.

So we're supposed to have a follow up appointment with the RE post-failure. Of course he's away until April 18, so we have an appointment with the nurse practitioner. I will demand a follow up phone conversation with the RE himself. Since I started spotting today, I called my PGD coordinator, as I am supposed to. There is exactly ZERO information about my next cycle in my chart! Hurray! She doesn't even really know if I'm supposed to even start the pill for my next cycle. The RE said I should start at my next period after the egg retrieval (since we knew it would fail even then), so I feel confident it is part of my protocol. But since the good doctor (ha) is away, we may be delayed a week or so until I have an actual protocol in my chart. Since we know my protocol will be different, we have no choice but to wait for Dr. Genius's guidance.

Yes, you do note a hint of sarcasm. It's just annoying that our own instincts about our bodies do not trump the "facts" of medicine. Modern medicine is great, but it does have its limitations. My mother asked if we should go see a different doctor -- but that would entail getting a new PGD probe made and getting a new referral -- there is no way this is happening. My only question is if both of these cycles fail (note I did say if) then do we go to him for the donor iuis or do we go somewhere else. But we'll cross that bridge if and when we get there.

So we're surviving. My job has been crappy lately, and that isn't helping much. T's work has been insanely busy, so that's not too great either. We both need a nice vacation -- our last one was related to his work and I miscarried while we were away -- so it wasn't the most relaxing vacation ever. But it's just not happening at this time.

So thanks for your supportive comments. I'm still not feeling super positive (I'm sure you got that idea) but I'm going to work and things are moving forward. AF is here --early, I know, but my PGD coordinator says that can happen when you suddenly stop all meds. I will start the pill tomorrow.

canceled

Both embryos were unbalanced. My transfer was canceled.

I kept waiting and waiting for a phone call this morning. I knew I would have to leave my office around 10:30 to get there for the 11:15 appointment. At 10:15 time started going so slowly. I had butterflies in my stomach. Then I simply started getting nauseous. It was 10:30. I called T and said I hadn't heard anything. We discussed that I should call to check. I called and was transferred twice, but the results hadn't come in yet. That made sense. Otherwise they would have called to cancel already -- but it still allowed me a tiny bit of hope. I got into the car and started driving. As soon as I left the parking lot, my cell rang. It was some doctor. Both embryos were unbalanced. My transfer was canceled.

I called T. We met in a parking lot for a few minutes. We talked. We talked about how we really think that this won't work for us, but that we will try again. We will try again, and if it doesn't work we will do something else.

T is extremely sad. I am sad too, but I think just slightly less so than he. The only thing we can do is try again.

embryos still alive

As far as I know, both embryos are still alive. The embryo biopsy, as far as I know, was successful and the chromosomes from each embryo are on slides and on their way to New Jersey. My supposed transfer is scheduled for Monday at 11:15. If both embryos are unbalanced, I should be contacted on Monday morning so that I won't have to go to the clinic if there is no transfer.

I am quite doubtful that one of them will be healthy, but I know it's possible, and I suppose I have the tiniest bit of hope: a tiny little glimmer of hope that is pushed way down to the bottom of my chest. But I think that it's there.

Back in reality, I'm thinking much more about my next cycle, when it will start, and what kind of protocol I will be on next time so that we have more than two dismal eggs the next time. The more eggs, the greater our chances, so I want to have lots.

It's weird how I felt this cycle was a bust right from the beginning. Well, not right at the beginning, but from the first ultrasound. I just didn't have a good feeling about this cycle right then.

Meanwhile, the progesterone suppositories are going okay, if a little gooey. I still think it's better than those shots in the ass, though. But the progesterone is making my b00bs KILL! Does this stuff make your body think you're pregnant? Is that the point? Because the only times my b00bs have hurt this much was when I was pregnant.

I made a delicious chicken for dinner with asparagus and fresh bread. There is something about roasted chicken that I just love. If you cook it right it is so juicy and delicious. It must be some type of comfort food for me or something. I ate tons of it and now I'm stuffed. Super yummy.

Tomorrow I'm going to a knitting group, which I hope will be fun. I have to decide which project to bring. I'm making a second sock, a felted "paper" bag and a baby blanket. I stopped the baby blanked a while ago because it made me too sad to knit it. I love this yarn, and it sort of matches the back bedroom we have upstairs that would become a nursery, so I always wanted the blanket to be for us, but after a while I couldn't bear to make it any more. I feel slightly better about it now, but I also bought yarn to make a cardigan sweater for myself, and I need the needle that the blanket is on to start the sweater. So I want to finish the blanket. I'm pretty close. So I think I will bring the sock and the blanket, but not the bag because it's too easy and boring. I can finish that on my own time.

fertilization

In somewhat good news, both eggs fertilized over night. We're not terribly surprised with this news, but it is good news for what it's worth, and we will take it. If it doesn't bode well for this cycle, it bodes well for future cycles.

I will be called on Saturday for more info and to be told when to arrive Monday for the transfer. PGD results do not come in until Monday morning, so I think we won't know whether the transfer will actually happen until we're physically at the clinic. There is a chance that we will get there for transfer and will be told, "Sorry, they are both unbalanced." I think they will try to call with results before we actually drive there, but sometimes the timing just doesn't work out.

I have started the progesterone suppositories. So far, not too bad. It's way better than sticking a needle in my butt in my opinion. It hasn't been too messy yet, but I've only done one. It feels kind of moot to do this, but I guess with two embryos, you never know.

retrieval

Well, they only got two eggs. The doctor says they'll still do the PGD, though. So most likely I won't be having an embryo transfer on Monday. We're clearly disappointed.

On the upside, we don't have to wait to start our second cycle. With no transfer, I should be getting my period in about 2 weeks from now, and I should start the pill right away. They will be much more aggressive with my medications the next time.

I'm going to take it easy for now.

count number three

I'm still at 7. Two of my follicles are over 20 mm, but one or two is still around 15. They want to get those little ones bigger so we have enough eggs. I was told by the ultrasound tech that if I were on a different protocol (i.e. not having PGD) I would have triggered already. This just boosts my feeling that this cycle has been a bust. I am not responding as well as they had hoped, and we're just clinging to some lofty follicle number goals. I know that it isn't impossible for this cycle to work. It could. However, I will be shocked if we have even one embryo to transfer this cycle. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be shocked with that information. However, I am not holding out much hope that this cycle will work out.

I still have yet to be called for instruction, but I can't imagine that I won't be triggered. Two of my follicles are getting too big and won't have usable eggs soon. This is a balancing act, and I think it's starting to tip. I wonder if the RE is caught up in surgery or something and that is why I haven't heard back. I heard pretty early the past two ultrasound days. I mean, I'm assuming they consult with the doctor before they call me.

After this cycle is over, even if there is a healthy embryo, I want to talk to the doctor about this whole cycle, I think.

Update: Trigger is indeed tonight. Retrieval is Wednesday morning. Here we go....

count number two

Not much of an improvement at this ultrasound. I had 7 follicles -- still just 2 on the left and 5 on the right. Two of them were over 20 mm, so I'm not sure if we're just going to trigger with only 7 or if we're going to hope for some more or what. I will hear from a nurse later.

I'm not feeling great about this number, but I'm not freaking out as much as I was Friday. I'm still extremely disappointed, and I wonder if this means that I have a low ovarian reserve -- not too surprising since I'm going to be 35 in two months. I just thought I would respond better than this. I've gotten pregnant 3 times on our own, and my fertility goes up right after I stop taking the pill, so I thought I would respond to the medication better. I never expected 20 eggs. But I thought I would at least have 10 or 12. Seven is close to ten, I guess. Maybe I'll get three more follicles before retrieval. Who knows. But I can't help but feel slightly bummed out. If this cycle doesn't work, I'm definitely going to demand a slightly different protocol next time. I need to have a better response than this.

One last question. I have cm. Is that normal? I thought my system was suppressed, so I thought I shouldn't do any sort of cycle stuff on my own. Are the shots triggering it? I'm worried about ovulating on my own. I will ask the nurse when she calls with my results, but have any of you had pre-fertile or fertile cm during an injections cycle?

I'll probably update after the nurse calls. E and baby S are coming over this afternoon. I hope I'm not too bummed out to hang out in any sort of normal way.

Update: So I'm to go in for another blood draw and ultrasound tomorrow. The nurse said that I'll probably trigger tomorrow night, so my retrieval would be Wednesday (if I understand this process correctly). She thinks that it will just be the 7 follicles for retrieval. The minimum number of follicles for PGD is 5 or 6, so we're just over the minimum. This does not feel good. I'm no longer holding out much hope for this cycle.

follicle count

I only had 6 measurable follicles, 2 on the left and 4 on the right. I have to admit I am a bit underwhelmed by this number. I know it is early, and things could change, but I feel like I really need to have at least 10 eggs for any hope of getting a transferrable embryo. I know it's not impossible for 6 eggs to work, but the more eggs, the more likely we will have something potentially viable. But I also know that just because I have only 6 measurable right now that I'll end up with 6 eggs. It's bound to change. But I still can't help but be a little disappointed. I will get a call later this afternoon with further instruction.

Update: I am really trying to shake these negative feelings, but I just can't seem to. We can only expect 1 out of every 8 embryos to be normal/balanced, and that is a generous percentage. It could be as low as 1 out of every 16 or even worse. Either way, the eggs need to be fertilized and survive biopsy and survive until day 5. I need lots of eggs to do this. With all these hormones making me nuts, I'm ready to write off this cycle as a learning experience. I know this is premature, but I can't help it. I know things could turn around in an instant, but I just have this feeling in my heart that this isn't going to work. And if this doesn't work, my next cycle will start after my 35th birthday. I know I have to calm down about this. I'm trying to visualize calm and force myself to smile. It helps a little, but I tend to obsess and worry. And this is my designated place to vent my obsessions and worry, so there it is.

I'm trying to hold it in check. I am. I am trying to visualize my happy place. Thank goodness it's Friday.

Update #2: I spoke to my PGD coordinator, and she assured me that things were fine. My E2 was up above 400, which made me happy, and she said they saw several smaller, unmeasurable follicles and that I'd keep taking my dose of medication and that things look good. I told her I was worried about just having the 6, but she managed to calm me down. So I'm a bit more calm. I will be able to sleep tonight.

Now I have to deal with all the snow.

emotional rollercoaster

I talked to my boss at work. She thought that the situation was horrible, and we're going to try and work it out that I can become part of the subcontract that is going to be created between the new institution and the current institution I work for. That would mean that I wouldn't have to change employers. That would mean that everything would remain the same, and I think I would be fine. Plus there is childcare services through my current employer. But that's something to worry about another day.

It was amazing how 'nothing' the conversation I had with her was. She was much more interested in what medications I was taking (she's an MD) and was sympathetic with my emotions when I teared up because she knows how crazy Lu*pron makes folks. She even told me that it has been considered for treatment in autism to calm boys down and decrease testosterone and aggression. Interesting.

After doing some research, I've learned that my estrogen level was a little lower than is hoped for. It's not something where I need an exact number -- what we see on the ultrasound tomorrow and noting how my levels are rising is more important -- but I was a little disappointed by my number. Oh, and I remembered it wrong. It was actually 142. So that's somewhat low. I'm trying not to let it get me too down, because it's early. But in the morning we'll see if we can see any follicles yet.

All of this is making me notice how disappointed I'm going to be if this cycle doesn't work. I keep telling myself that it might not work. I keep trying to remind myself that this is not the smoking gun, that it fails all the time, that there might not be any transferrable embryos. But I can't help but be a little too hopeful and know that I will be crushed if this doesn't work. I know there is a good chance that it won't work -- in fact, it's more likely to not work than to work. But I just know I will be devastated if it doesn't. We will try again if this round doesn't work, and second rounds happen much faster than first rounds, so I'm keeping that in mind. We probably will do a third round, too, unless we have zero transferrable embryos both times. If that happens we will probably move on to discussion adoption or donor sperm. But I can feel myself investing in this process and really hoping for success.

I hope there are a bunch of follicles tomorrow.

first blood test

My estrogen level was 147 today. I have no idea what that means, but I am to stay on my 5 units of Lu*pron and 200 units of Folli*stim. I am to go in again Friday morning and have more blood taken and an ultrasound for (hopefully) a follicle count. It's dildo-cam time for me, I guess.

I think I am starting to feel my ovaries. I feel like this seems soon, but I feel like I can tell something is going on down there. I'm not in pain or even in discomfort. I'm just -- aware. But maybe I'm making all of this up in my head. I have been known to do stranger things.

Things aren't looking good on the FMLA front. I am finding more stories of people where the same thing happened -- and people who lost 5 years or more of seniority due to circumstances similar to mine. So, if I get pg that will be my prize, and if it takes a few more months and I earn enough seniority, then that will be the prize I get for dealing with failure. I just have to deal. But I just can't help but feel like I'm being screwed. And I'm going to tell my boss what this change is costing me.

It's 70 degrees today, so I have to go take a walk. It's not going to stay like this here.

stims

Did my first stim injection last night. It went smoothly, though it bled more than the Lu*pron has, maybe because of the pause before removing the needle? Not sure. It's amazing how immune I am to needles these days. I mean, I was never nervous around needles before, but when I first started I was like, "Two shots in one night!" but it just is really nothing.

I feel really tired, which may have to do with the time change, but maybe the meds too. I have heard other women say that these meds make them tired.

I'm still feeling emotional, though it's difficult to separate stuff in my life from stuff from hormones.

I am paid off of a grant, and the grant is going to be transferred from one institution to another. The new institution is going to consider me a new employee. The three months of seniority I have earned is going to go down the tubes. Since FMLA is not given to employees until they've been employed for a year, if this cycle works, I will not qualify for FMLA anymore. In order to get disability, you have to invoke FMLA, so if we get pregnant, I will not be able to have a (partially) paid maternity leave.

This sucks. I'm lucky in that we could survive this with just T's salary for a while -- probably a long while if we made some simple lifestyle changes -- but it's just frustrating that this is happening outside of what seems reasonable. If I had stayed pregnant with pg #3, I would have missed out, but that would have been my own doing. I got a job and got pregnant immediately. I would have lived with that timing. But this timing is being forced on me and it feels terribly unfair. I need to check the local laws to see if this is actually legal. Any ideas, anyone?

My blood test is still scheduled for Wednesday morning. There's not much else to report.

schedule

I am to decrease my Lu*pron to 5 units starting tonight. No baseline ultrasound for me -- don't know why. Didn't ask. I'm not going to ask for a vaginal ultrasound if they don't think I need one. On Sunday I start stims -- 200 units of Folli*stim. I do that for 3 days and I go in for bloodwork on Wednesday morning. This is when I get my further instructions.

It's funny how time goes by both so quickly and so slowly while this is going on.

she arrives

Late this afternoon, my period arrived. I had hoped it would be on the early side as it doesn't usually take long after I start the pill, but you never know. Happily, I was right! It was too late to call my PGD coordinator, so I'll do that first thing tomorrow morning. Tomorrow is also my mom's birthday.

So looks like I'll be starting stims soon. Don't know if I'll need a baseline ultrasound first or anything. We shall see.

comfort food

I think I'm eating to make myself feel better. I have been eating like shit lately. I mean, it's all been extremely yummy, but extremely bad for me. I'm eating home made shortbread. Oh yeah, I've been baking too. Last night I made a curry with coconut milk. Coconut milk! And I had the leftovers for lunch! (Well, at least it was light coconut milk?) This weekend I made my Nana's special butter cookies. Happily, most of those made it to the freezer to give to my family, but I still had some.

I did elliptical yesterday, but I still think I'm going to bet getting even fatter with all this comforting. I mean, I've gained 15 lbs in the past year with all this being pregnant and then not pregnant and then not losing the weight and then eating more to comfort myself. But I can't stop myself. I'm an eating machine. I feel like I need these foods. I almost feel like I melt on the inside when I take a bite. There's something about these delicious foods that relax me. I'm trying to not eat too much, but I think I am. And I'm not really motivated to stop. I don't want to stop. I want to eat. I don't want to exercise more. I'm still eating fruits and vegetables.

My pants keep getting tighter. What do I do? (I know -- stop eating!)

Hormones

I think the hormones are starting to affect me. My mood swings feel like they're a little bit nuts. I get manic and lovey-dovey and cranky and hyper in a matter of minutes. I had a really stressful week at work, so I'm sure that's contributing factor, but when I got to work yesterday I couldn't focus and felt like I was about to freak out. It's so hard to know.

Tonight I take my last bcp. That means I'll be starting stims within a week.

Last night we went out for super yummy sushi (we hope for the last time in a long time) and knew we'd be out late, so I put my syringe, alcohol wipe and vial of Lu*pron with an ice pack in a little sack and stuck it in my purse. I surreptitiously stuck myself when I had to pee. It was a little bit awkward, but luckily the top of the toilet paper dispenser was flat and I could pile stuff on there so that I could handle all of the stuff. I'm glad I brought it because we didn't get home until about 11:30 and that is way too late for me (my target time is between 9 and 10). I think we're going out again tonight, but this time to someone's house for a party, and I'll have to decide if I need to bring my meds along again. This will be a little bit more difficult, I think. It's easy to bring your purse to the bathroom in a restaurant, but it's more weird at a person's house, I think. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

We'll see how the hormones treat me this weekend. I'm going to make some cookies.

Not much

Things are going fine. The shots are fine. I'm not bruising (thank you, belly fat!) and I'm not feeling any effects. It's fine.

Both T and I are having stressful times at work, but we're coping. I'm exercising a little (but not too hard) and that's helping me with my stress. I'm freaking out about the exercising and I keep looking for articles about IVF and exercise. As far as I can tell, it's just important to not do hard core exercise, and not to exercise more than 4 hours per week. We have an elliptical, and I'm using it lightly for less than half an hour every other day. That should be okay, right? It certainly helps my mood, and I would hate to lose it. I keep meaning to ask someone at the RE's office, but I haven't.

Also, who has those progesterone suppositories. I just saw something from the pharmacy where I got the drugs and it said to take of the plastic wrapping. Well, it looks like a gelcap, and to take off the wrapping would be to extrude goo from the gelcap. What are they talking about? Again, I have plenty of time before I use them and I will ask before I do, but I just don't get it.

I wish I had something more exciting to say, but I don't. My purse is coming along well.

I did it!

I just did 10 units of Lu*pron. T sat next to me and the Oscars were on as a distraction. It didn't hurt at all. Thank you so much to those who left me words of wisdom about the injections. They helped me so much. And it's a good thing I have lots of belly fat because that makes it hurt less. :) I'm trying to keep a positive spin on things, right?

So, now the spot is red and a little itchy. Is that normal?

So I've officially started now. It's really just hard to believe. Somehow, I never thought this would happen.

I took myself to the craft store and bought a whole bunch of yarn. I'm going to make myself this adorable purse, though in different colors. I also bought yarn for a sweater, but I may have to make the pattern up in my head. But, I want it to sort of look like this.

Talked to my mom today, and I mentioned I was starting my injections. She totally doesn't understand this process at all. She asked me, "So how often do you have to do that? Once a month?" I set her straight. She was surprised at how labor intensive this whole process is. And I told her that I have an easy protocol. It's funny how entrenched I am in this whole thing now. It's bizarre to me when people don't get it.

Big Day

Arriving home from work today I found several interesting things in the mail.

1) My meds arrived. I wasn't expecting them until tomorrow, but that's okay. I've seen pictures of other people's meds, and mine don't look like much. Of course, I have progesterone suppositories and not the PIO injections, so maybe that's why. I'm also only doing Lu*pron and Folli*stim injections, so that's not much either. The Lu*pron says it's a 14 day supply, and I think i have to inject that for longer than 14 days, but I'm only doing 10 units and then when I start stims decreasing to 5 units, so I think it should be enough. It came with its own syringes, and I also got a supply of more. Not sure why that happened either. I better figure it out, though.

2) Our approval came. We had some problems with insurance and we had to switch insurance and it took so long for everything to fall into place that our approval expired, but I got a letter in the mail saying we have approval for 3 cycles through August. So that's set.

3) Our reimbursement came. We have to pay for the PGD up front, so we got a nice, fat check for that payment today. That's just such a great thing.

So now I have to wait until Sunday for my first injection.

Scared

I just watched an injection video, and I'm starting to get scared. I know hundreds of women do this daily (not to mention diabetics and the like) and I'm sure once I do it once or twice, I'll be much less scared, but for now I'm scared. It's kind of funny because I'm not afraid of needles in any way. They don't bother me. I am used to being poked with needles, and I used to work in a dialysis unit where there were needles everywhere, all the time. But I jut prefer if it's someone else poking me. T cannot do it. He's a bit afraid. So, I have to do it for myself, and I'm a little scared.

Can you give me hints about injection sites? My instructor told me to only do it in the belly area, but the video says to shift around. What did/do you do? How about when you have more than one injection per day? Advice, ladies?

Spilled the beans

One of the women I work with is a counselor. I had mentioned we were planning to have dinner with my friend S this weekend, and she asked me if S was married. I said yes, and this launched into a discussion of friends who were married and how early or late people got married. This made me think of Margo because we had a similar discussion. Where she is from, people tend to get married and have kids early.

This lead to a discussion about T's bt. She mentioned her sister-in-law had a miscarriage while on vacation. Then, of course, I had to mention my most recent miscarriage in Mexico. I said, 'I had my most recent miscarriage while on vacation,' and she said, 'Most recent?' So I sort of spilled the beans about everything. I told her I had three. She was amazed. I told her about IVF with PGD. I told her I was going to do it (but didn't say exactly when). She said she's a counselor and used to keeping things confidential.

I just can't not talk about this. I just can't keep things inside. If asked, I'm going to spill the beans. I try like hell to shut myself off, but I can't. I need to tell people things. I think it will be okay, and I was sort of planning on bringing it up with my boss at some point, but the cat's out of the bag now.

I hope I don't worry about this. I don't think I will. But I'm spilling my story, slowly, at work.

Schedule

Well, I have a schedule.

I started the pill on 2/11.
I receive my meds in the mail on 2/22.
I start Lu*pron injections on 2/25.
I stop the pill on 3/3.
I should get my period about 3/8 - 3/10.
I reduce the Lu*pron and start the Folli*stim around 3/11.
I have a blood test around 3/14.
I start my ultrasounds around 3/16.
Estimated egg retrieval 3/23.
Estimated embryo transfer (if there are any) 3/28.

So I guess this is real.

Surprise

Without expectation, af arrived today. I was quite taken aback. I expected to have to wait another week. I talked it out with T, and we did determine that today was 28 days from the first spotting from the miscarriage. So, despite my continuing high hCg levels, I must have ovulated when I think I did, and I had a nice, short cycle this time around. Weird. You never know.

So, I'm off to the pharmacy to get bcps and I am starting today. That means that in approximately three weeks, I'm going to start injections.

It's been so long since my injection lesson, it makes me a little nervous. But I feel like I remember enough, and I also know there's a tutorial online from the RE's office. The only thing I remember about the medication, though, is that I'm starting with Lu*pron.

I guess I have to call my PGD coordinator tomorrow.

Same old same old

Things are not very exciting here. Some co-workers of T's got engaged and we went to their 'engagement brunch' this morning. It was nice. Mellow. It's so funny to see how I know that we're old. We talked about alarm systems (T and I just had one installed) and bank accounts. It's crazy how old we are!

A different co-worker of T's who lives around the corner was broken into. Computer stuff and a passport were stolen. The cops told them there has been a rash of robberies in our neighborhood. Several a day. And T and I have seen broken car glass on the ground a lot lately. So, we decided it would be smart to have one installed. So we did. I'm glad. It wasn't too expensive, and it's good piece of mind. That's what I did on my day off Friday.

I worked all last weekend, so I took Friday off. I do autism research and I was being trained on how to diagnose autism (mostly for research purposes). It was interesting and enjoyable. I used to be a teacher, and it was nice to work with actual kids again. It had been a while.

I'm feeling a little sad. Monday morning we have an appointment with our therapist. I think that I'm going to go alone this week. Things have been a little slow during our sessions lately.

I started watching a move with Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd where he's gay and she's pregnant and she tries to get him to raise the baby with her. I didn't really think about it much. Then they hear the baby's heartbeat. I started crying and shut off the movie. How stupid am I? I think that I'm fine. I don't freak out when I see pregnant women the way I used to. But still, I can only take so much. I don't know why I can't remember to protect myself sometimes.

Haven't been talking to E too much lately. We've both been very busy, but it feels like there's something else too. I try to email her so I don't feel like we've lost touch. But I still feel like there's a cavern between us. Baby S is 7 months old already. He's sitting up now.

I'm just glad tomorrow is Sunday.

back to zero

I had another blood test and my hCg was back down to 0. I expected it, as I'm pretty sure I already ovulated, but it's nice to be sure. So, as soon as af comes I can start the pill. I can even switch to the pill I used to be on in order to prevent pregnancy, as if I can remember such a time. So things are moving forward.

I've been working on trying to get reimbursed for the PGD. I was on the phone with the insurance woman for almost an hour. Our insurance changed because my job changed, and I had to get everything straightened out. Some things are on the old insurance, some things are on the new insurance, and some things needed to be transferred. I had to get some things faxed to me and fax some of those things to other people, but I think I finally have it straightened out.

Our approval for 3 IVF cycles lasted 6 months. It runs out on 3/7/2007. By then we will have just started our first cycle. This is taking forever.

Strange stuff

This is a gross post, so if you don't want to read about the disgusting things that go along with fertility signs and miscarriage, don't read this post. You have been warned.

So, my heaviest miscarriage day was on Jan 15. That was two weeks ago. My hCg, as you know, is still elevated. I haven't been bleeding this whole time, but there have been clots and spotting and other things that I don't know what they are since then. But today I think I started getting pre-fertile cervical mucus, but mixed in were these clots or "products of conception" or whatever they are. If my hCg is still around 40, how can my body be getting ready to ovulate? I have no idea what is going on. I think I might start taking my temperature. I am getting frustrated with this. I do not want to get pregnant again, so I am just keeping away from T. But I want to know what is happening.

Maybe I am getting ready to ovulate and this will be close to a 28 day cycle and I can start the pill sooner. That would be a good thing. But I wish I knew what was going on.

Next steps

T and I had a wonderful conversation with the genetic counselor from out PGD company. We expected it to be terrible, but it was the most intelligent and frank conversation we've had with any professional about having a balanced translocation. It's what the conversation with the genetic counselor at the hospital should have been.

She explained how the probe works. We learned that we will not be able to distinguish between balanced embryos and normal embryos. She told us that we should still have CVS or Amnio if I get pregnant just in case. She told us to expect 0, 1 or 2 transferable embryos per IVF cycle.

She said that the number of transferable embryos per cycle tends to remain the same, as the percentage of affected sperm tends to split up the same way over and over again. So, if we have 1 transferable embryo on one cycle, most likely on the next cycle we would also have one. If we have 0 embryos, we should try one more IVF cycle just in case, but if we have two cycles with no embryos, it will be time to move on to other options.

I expected this report, but it sort of threw T for a bit of a loop. PGD is not the be-all end-all for us, but we can have some hope that it might work.

I have a phone consultation with my RE on Tuesday morning to make sure I can start the pill when I have my next period. There is a small chance he'll want me to wait one additional cycle, but I'm going to really push to not do this.

I also had my hCg taken on Thursday and it was still high -- 43. So, I have to have it taken again next week. Some really gross things have happened since then to make me think that it will continue to go down in a speedy fashion.

Nothing is easy.

It hurts

I'm feeling sad. Perhaps it's these hormones lingering in my body. I want to be pregnant. I want to be pregnant so much that it hurts. And I don't mean this fake pregnant that I am now, or the fake pregnant I was this time even before I miscarried. I want to be pregnant where I can talk about it with T and get excited. I want to be able to start making a list of possible baby names and tell T he has no sense of adventure. I want to not cringe every time my friend E talks about what's going on with her baby. I want to not cry when I hear that other people I know are pregnant. I want to be able to tell other people that I am pregnant. I want to throw up. I want to feel tired and have trouble sleeping. I want to think about what I'm eating and to stop drinking. I just want this ordeal to be over. There's too much going on with our lives right now. I want it all to stop and to just be able to enjoy my daily life and not get stressed out and saddened by the world around me. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like things are just starting to turn around and look good for us and then some other thing to bring us down comes up.

Compared to most people, T and I live a comfortable life. We are lucky. We can afford our nice house. We have good health insurance. We have good jobs. If something annoying goes wrong (like my car dying) we can afford to fix it without jeopardizing our ability to make our mortgage payment. Things are good. Or they should be. But with these miscarriages and our inability to stay pregnant, every small thing that goes wrong seems like it's adding to this huge pile of shit that I need to endure.

I try to remind myself that our lives are good. Except for this one thing. This one huge, monster thing. But aside from that we have a good life. But sometimes I just feel such little comfort from this fact. I'm not comforted. I'm sad. I'm so sad and it hurts.

hCg levels still high

I had my blood taken on Friday and my hCg was still up at 86. This sucks. This means that it's going to be more than 3 weeks until I get my period so it's going to be more than 6 weeks before we can start injections. We might be waiting until practically April to start this. This whole process is so frustrating! Going simply by numbers, I'm still technically pregnant. I know it can take a few weeks for the hormones to go away, but I didn't have much of a problem with that when I had my last two miscarriages. When I started bleeding, my numbers went way down. But of course it's not happening this time. Sigh.

I have to have more blood taken at the end of the week. Hurray.

I can't believe I've been pregnant the same number of times that my mother has. She has 3 children.

P. S.

C from AUS, you left a long post asking to email but left no email address. If you click on the 'Email me' button on my blog, you can sent me a msg and let me know your email. Thanks for your wonderful comment.

-Rachel

Back from Cancun

We've returned from our week in Cancun. Though Cancun isn't a place we would choose to go on our own, but it was relaxing and we did some things we had never done before. We went snorkeling at Xel-Ha which was wonderful. We also both got a massage. We ate some wonderful food and drank way too much. When all the alcohol is included, it's sure easy to drink a lot. We also saw a bunch of Mayan ruins. The first was a small site called Tulum, and we went to the huge Mayan enclave of Chichen-Itza which was one of the most amazing things I've seen in my life. It was incredible. So, it was nice to be away for a week, but it is always good to come home.

I started spotting on Thursday and was all out bleeding on Sunday. Monday wasn't a very good day, and of course that's the day we took a cramped (pun intended) 3 hour bus ride to Chichen-Itza. I wasn't happy, but the advil helped. I'm still bleeding a little bit and I'm ready for it to end. It will be about 3 more weeks until I get my period and that's when I'll start the pill. The RE will take it from here.

We have a consultation with the PGD folks on Jan 25. I will call my RE's office after this phone call and inform them about all of this. I haven't told them anything because I just know that they'll want me to have one clean cycle before starting the pill and whatnot.

That's the news for now. T is having minor surgery tomorrow to remove a bump from his wrist. I will stay home with him in the afternoon. I'm not too worried.

Such is life. Onwards and upwards.

No good news

The doctor called. My hCG level on Saturday went down to 83. It went up today, but only to about 98. So, there's really no chance at viability.

We're leaving stupidly early tomorrow morning. Have a good week!

Uncertainty

While driving to have my blood drawn on Thursday morning, my car starting making a horrible noise. I pulled over and shut the car off. I turned the car back on, but the horrible noise didn't go away. I was pissed. I called T. He was crazy busy at work. I called my Dad. He told me to call AAA and take a cab. I cried. I called the mechanic. They could take my car. I called AAA and sat in the car for 40 min waiting for them to tow me to the garage. I called E because she is home with baby S on Thursdays. I lamented what seems to me as my bad luck. E said it was only temporary.

The tow truck came, I took public transportation to have my blood taken, and then I took public transportation to work. I found out my low HcG and the mechanic called to tell me it's going to cost $900 to fix my car. I had just spent $750 on it two months ago. T and I decided it's time to get a new car. Of course, the car was not drivable, so we had to pay to get it fixed anyway.

Friday, it took a while for the doctor to call. I was beginning to freak out. I didn't know what I could do. I didn't want to have a miscarriage on my vacation. I wanted to know if I had to 'act' pregnant or not (read: can I drink margaritas?) But the doctor said though it wasn't likely this was a viable pregnancy, she couldn't say for certain. There was nothing that we could do before I leave on Tuesday morning. The only thing we could do was take more blood and see what the levels were doing. That way I could know how to act on my vacation.

So I had blood taken this morning and will again on Monday morning. I'm assuming it will be going down at this point. The doctor will call me on Monday and she can tell me what to expect based on these numbers. And hopefully I will be able to relax while I'm away.

I will try to post the results from Monday, but as we are leaving at 6 am on Tuesday morning, there's a chance things will be too crazy. But I will try.

Not looking good

My second HcG test was 87. It didn't double.

So, I'm going to have to prepare myself for another miscarriage. No signs as of yet. I'm sad but not terribly surprised. This is what I expected.

I'm mostly sad that I'm going to be on our supposed honeymoon in Mexico while having a miscarriage.

I'm going to talk to the doctor tomorrow to see what we should do. I hope I'll be able to drink while I'm there. I need it.

HcG

My HcG level is 69.

It's on the low side, but I'm definitely pregnant. I would have liked to see something more in the range of 200-400, but 69 it is. I definitely need to go in tomorrow to see if it doubled. They will run the test STAT so the results will be in before the end of the day.

I'm not feeling particularly optimistic, but there is still a chance. I will know more tomorrow.

Another day

Happy New Year everyone.

Last night when I went to sleep my b00bs were hurting a little. I took my bbt this morning and it was reasonably high. But my b00bs seem to have stopped hurting.

I guess I'm in the over analyzing stage. I'll have the blood test tomorrow morning, and I suppose, depending on the results, I'll have another on Thursday. I'm not feeling particularly hopeful about this, especially with the loss of symptoms. I am pretty confident that our IVF will be delayed for a month. And it also seems like I will know what will be going on by the time we leave for Mexico, so I think I made the right decision.

I'm just sort of feeling like all of this sucks. I suppose there's a small chance that everything is okay, but I'm not feeling confident about it right now and it's hard to keep my spirits up.

I guess I can try and look at it that it's good that I can get pregnant which gives us a little more hope for the IVF. We just need to have some healthy embryos when we do it. I'm trying to keep a small bit of hope for this whole thing while we go through all of this.

I have no idea what's going on

The only real life woman who I discuss my pregnancy stuff with is E. She has dealt with difficulty getting pregnant and miscarriage, so she understands this kind of stuff. She is busy with her baby now, but she definitely tries to find time to talk and listen and commiserate. So, I told her about the BFP and then the BFN. She called to ask how I was doing with all this information, and I said I was feeling okay. I was mostly concerned with how this is going to delay the IVF and how that sucked. I knew that there was a chance of delay when we decided to ttc this month, but I figured it would be for more than a chemical.

Then I got to talking about how I hadn't started bleeding yet and how today was 18 dpo. I also have been taking my bbt the past few days and today my temp was the same as yesterday, so I knew I wouldn't be bleeding again today. I told her that if I didn't bleed by Tuesday I would still go in for that HCG blood test so we could figure out what was going on. She thought that was a good idea. We talked about my symptoms (none, really except my b00bs are ever-so-slightly sore) and she asked if there is any way I thought I could be pregnant. I said that I guess the test could have been wrong or something. Then her baby woke up and she hung up.

Then T and I started talking about it more. It was weird that it was 18 dpo and I had a negative pregnancy test but no bleeding. It was weird that I had a negative pregnancy test and my temp was still above the 'cover line'. This whole situation was weird. He asked if I really thought that pregnancy test could have been wrong. I said that if I took it, it should be positive now, since the ones I have are very sensitive. We though about it. Maybe I should take another one, just in case. So we figured, what the hell? I'll just pee on one more stick.

BFP.

You tell me what is going on.
I guess I'm going in for that HCG test on Tuesday.

False alarm

I'm not pregnant. My bbt dropped so I took another test and it came up a bfn. I probably had a chemical. The line was really light, anyway.

I feel so insane!

Is it wrong if I just forget this ever happened? I'm going to start the pill as soon as a bleed. The biggest problem is I called the OB for my blood test already. I told T I wanted to wait until Tuesday! This is exactly why. Argh! It's amazing how much processing my brain can do in just 24 hours.

I guess I can just tell the OB that I was overzealous. It's really not that far off.

I hope all of this doesn't affect the IVF. I don't think it should.

Oy.

Doing betas

T convinced me to have betas. I'm having blood taken on Tuesday and Thursday.

That way I can sort of calm down, or else drink myself into oblivion in Mexico.

I also might pee on another stick.

I'm trying to not be insane, but it doesn't stop. Still feeling twinges. Thought I might feel a little nausea earlier, but I also think I might be making the whole thing up in my head.

I hope this is good, though.

BFP

Well, it's true. I'm pregnant.

I'm in such denial. T wants me to have blood tests to see if my HCG numbers are doubling. I'm afraid to do that. I don't want to have a D&C and I don't want to walk around knowing I've miscarried and waiting for it to take care of itself.

We are going to Mexico on Jan 9. Do I need to do anything before then? Do I have to do anything special while I'm there? I hope I don't have some sort of medical emergency while I'm there.

I'm sort of freaking out about this. Our IVF will definitely be delayed. I know that sounds kind of stupid, but I just feel so sure that this pregnancy won't work out. I know there is a chance that it will, but I just can't have any hope about it right now. I'm kind of in denial about it.

I really don't have many symptoms. I feel some twinges. My b00bs are only very slightly sore. I'm a little more tired than usual, I think. But maybe I'm just making it all up.

I guess I have to call the OB at some point. I figure that by Tuesday I'll be ready to do it. That makes sense, right?

POAS crazy

So I stopped at the pharmacy because the BFN was the last pg test in the house. I went to peeonastick.com to see which was best. I bought the CVS brand 3 pack. Anyway, not being able to wait until morning, I used it. What came up was a very, very faint positive. VERY faint. So I guess I'm going to POAS again in the morning. Why you ask? I must refer you to peeonastick.com.

I'm still not convinced I'm pregnant. I really think this is a chemical and that I will start bleeding soon. I have decided that if I bleed before Tuesday I'm going to pretend that this never happened and start the pill the day I start bleeding so we can go ahead with our IVF protocol as scheduled.

If I don't bleed before Tuesday, I will need to make an appointment with an OB to figure out what's going on.

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas!

Strange stuff

So, I was expecting af Sunday or Monday. I'm not charting, so that may have been on the early side, but I was expecting something. Nothing happened, so I decided to POAS. I have one of those tests that says 'Pregnant' or 'Not Pregnant' and it came up a BFN. But looking at the lines, there was definitely a light second line.

I have no symptoms, save some uterine twinges. I can't imagine that I'm pg. But still no af. I guess it's still a little early. If nothing happens tomorrow I'm going to have to POAS on Thursday.

This is all so weird.

Delays again

In order to proceed with our IVF cycle, we have to have 'genetic counseling' with someone from our PGD lab. The lab closes on Friday until the new year. We are away (yay!) from January 9-January 16. Therefore, the next available phone appointment is on January 25, 2007. Therefore, things are delayed again. I suppose it's only by just over a week, but we have been trying to get this going since October and it feels like forever.

But I'll go on the pill as soon as af comes, and then I'll start the injectibles after this 'counseling' session. The annoying this is, this 45 min phone call is simply going to tell us what PGD does. We *know* what it does, but of course they have to go over this so we can't claim we didn't know that our PGD probe couldn't screen for trisomy 21. Feh.

So, I'm trying to relax knowing we're going to start in just over a month. But me and relaxation don't go together so well. This is why we need a vacation.

Probe is a go

I got a call today from my RE's office that the PGD probe is ready. So, they're ready to check a biopsied embryo. So, we're able to start the IVF. But I'm mid-2ww/waiting for af right now, and we truly won't be able to start until after our vacation. But at least I know we can start right after vacation. I hope I remember everything from my injection lesson. I can have a refresher online, I know. And I hope I understand my protocol. I see all the IFers out there knowing exactly what's going on with their drugs and whatnot, and I feel clueless. I know I'll have a lot of support from my PGD coordinator, but it still seems kinda scary.

Anyway, I have needles to look forward to when we get back from out trip.

I am so looking forward to going away to sun and warmth. Actually, it's been uncharacteristically warm here in New England, but I'm still looking forward to going away.

Time to make dinner.

Ups and Downs

I've started my new job. It's fine. The commute can't be beat, the people are nice, and I'm trusted to do work on my own. The work that we're doing is well respected and beneficial to families and society. These are all good things for me. But I'm having a crisis of faith in myself, I guess. I may have mentioned this before, but I just sometimes feel like I wasted my brain with my work life. If I were still a teacher, I don't think I would feel this way. But I just don't feel like I have a career. I feel like I'm just pushing paper around. The people who were doing the work that I am taking over are just SO excited to get rid of it. I feel like they're dumping all of the shit work on me. When I took this job, I knew I would have to do this work, but I guess I'm just not feeling that good about it or something. T tells me that in a few months after this paperwork is all straightened out that things will be better. Perhaps that is true. But I just kind of feel like shit about the work that I do. I mean, I could have a PhD or a law degree or something. Granted, I didn't want to do these things. I could have stayed with my database work instead of becoming a teacher and be a programmer and moving up on that latter, but I'm not. I didn't want to work in the for-profit world, so I left. I don't regret my teaching. I just regret no longer being a teacher. Why don't I go back? Well, I was miserable when I was a teacher. So I left. I was happy at my last job that was like this one, so maybe I just need to give it some time. I just sort of feel like crap about it. I feel like a glorified secretary. I'm worried that I'm going to have to take meeting minutes. I can't take meeting minutes. I suck at that.

Maybe I'm just lazy and don't want to work hard.

Trying

So, it's about my fertile time already, so I guess we're going to ttc this month. It's weird. I'm not charting, but I have taken my temp a little. It seems weird. But, if it works, then we'll be in a good place. And if it doesn't work, we're in the same place we are now (minus a few thousand dollars that we paid to the PGD clinic which will probably not refunded by our health insurance).

E came over last week with baby S. He's 5 months now and pretty huge. He's a really good baby -- hardly cries and it is easy to figure out what he wants when he's fussy. He doesn't nap particularly well, only about 45 min at a time, but sleeps reasonably well at night if he's swaddled. He rolled over one time, but one time only. As I was talking to him, and I suppose teasing him or asking him in silly baby talk about these things, you know, trying to encourage him to roll over and in a silly voice asking him why he doesn't sleep longer, E seemed to take offense and say, kiddingly, "Hey! Stop judging my kid!" I was shocked. I didn't mean anything by these statements. I didn't feel like I was judging him. But I guess I have to be more careful about what I say. I just was sort of teasing, I guess. I only want what's best for him, and I do think he's a really good baby. This sort of freaked me out. I've decided to ignore it for the most part, but I really don't need to be alienated from them even more. I'm trying really, really hard not to grow apart from them. It's getting more and more difficult for me, and I don't want something like this to drive a wedge between us. So I guess I just have to be more careful. It bums me out a little because there are few people where I really don't feel I need to edit myself, but I guess this isn't the case. E is doing a great job with S, and he is a happy, healthy and really good baby.

E is a little paranoid, though. While I was doing the throw the baby in the air thing (not really throwing, but lifting him up and loosening my grip a little) and little S was squealing with delight and really, really laughing, she said she was worried about shaken baby syndrome. Oy.

I go to work tomorrow. So crazy. It's just orientation, so it really won't tell me anything about whether I'll like my job or not. But at least I'm going to get paid again.

Here comes another 2ww, I suppose.

Stopped the pill

So, since everything is far off from happening, I spoke to my PGD coordinator at our IVF place and we decided together that I should go off the pill for a month. I was sick of the spotting and think it was affecting my moods, so I wanted out. She agreed with me, and the timing wouldn't change at all whether I was on or off the pill. We will not do a cycle until mid-January, and the thought of being on the pill continuously until then sent me into a tizzy. So, I'm off, af came and went, and I am in a much better place. E told me about an acquaintance who is pg, and that made me cry, so I'm not at quite 100%, but I definitely feel better. I think we'll sneak in the ttc stuff this month too. Might as well, right? If it works, we get out of IVF. If it doesn't work at all, things will go forward as planned. If I end up with another mc, it will probably delay things for about 6-12 weeks. I think it might be worth it.

T has been sick for a week. He's been home with me, which is nice, but he's been sick, which sucks. He's slowly getting better, but it can be tough to put up with a sicky for that long. He's also had tons of work to do, so he's been working from home. I've been domestic. I shortened some pants, made a draft stopper that matches our throw pillows and am working on curtains for our bedroom. The sewing machine is getting a workout.

Oh, and I also have a job. I start on Monday the 11th of December. I'm definitely glad to have some place to go -- I'm ready to not be home anymore and to get 'distracted' from all of my over thinking. I think this is a good job. It's doing good works -- research on autistic kids -- and the people there are definitely 'my kind' of people. So, I hope it's a better choice than my last job. It should be. And the commute is amazing. It's driving, but it's less than 10 minutes away, which is incredible. So, I'm not excited about the job per se, but I think it will be good. I hope it will be good. The last thing I need is another crappy job.

I guess I best be getting back to sewing.

Still just waiting

No word from the PGD lab. So, we're officially not starting until after the first of the year. This wait is killing me. I've been on bcps the whole time. I mean, we could have ttc'ed for 1 or 2 more months instead of me being on the pill the whole time. I'm pissed about it a little. And being on the pill continuously for 7 weeks now is messing with me. I'm more cranky than I usually am. And the spotting! I may not have had my period for almost 2 months now, but I'm spotting every day and it's making me nuts. I'm going to call my PGD coordinator today to see if I should just take a week off and bleed already. But I'm really pissed about this whole thing. I should have never gone on the pill yet. Maybe they didn't know that for sure, but I'm still annoyed. I'm sick of waiting to start this.

It was our anniversary this weekend. Poor T is sick as a dog and we didn't do anything to celebrate. We were going to go out to dinner, but he didn't feel well enough to go. So, we've been ttc for 11 months now and nothing. I'm really frustrated that I feel stuck right now. I need to be moving forward. I'm surrounded by babies and children, and it's starting to make me nuts. Alice Domar says that stress doesn't affect fertility, but depression does. I have sort of reduced my stress, but all of this waiting is increasing my depression. I don't want to get depressed, but I just see me getting sadder and sadder.

Well, I'm currently unemployed, so that might not help things. It's the best thing that I'm not at my old job, and I've had a job offer, so maybe I won't be unemployed much longer. We also bought an elliptical for our house as an early holiday present. We need to exercise. I'm hoping that doing exercise will help. And I'm trying to do focused breathing to reduce the stress.

I just feel so helpless and hopeless. I mean, I suppose I have a small amount of hope, but it doesn't feel like it's enough to sustain me until this process actually starts. For my own sanity, I need to be in the process of ttc right now. And I'm not. Not even close.

Waiting, waiting and more waiting

I had my IVF injection lesson on Friday. I'm okay with it. I'm so ready to start that I think sticking myself with needles won't be so bad. The problem? I have no idea when we'll be able to start. I don't think it will be until the end of January.

Our PGD probe probably won't be ready for 3-6 more weeks. The PGD lab closes from Dec 17 through Jan 1. We're going to Mexico in mid-January. So we probably won't start until after then.

Yes, I'm looking forward to Mexico. T's job is going on an office trip (they're a travel company) and they get to bring spouses or significant others. That's me! We never went on a honeymoon, so we're going to extend the trip and use it as our honeymoon trip. We're going here. Nice, no?

I am just so ready to start. I wonder if we can start the drugs while the place is closed in anticipation of egg removal and PGD and transfer between the beginning of the year and going to Mexico. It's a possibility. Still, January feels far. February even further. If we didn't need PGD we'd have started by now.

Oh, did I mention I quit my job? Yup, I had to go. The place I work is bad. I don't have another job yet, but I could no longer associate myself with my place of work. Better to not work at all than work there. I had T's blessing, and I am absolutely sure that it was the right thing for me to do. It's like the weight of the world off of my shoulders.

A Few Words

I don't feel much like talking. Life is keeping me busy right now. I've had a few job interviews last week, and I'm having a bunch more coming up. I'm really hoping to find a better place than the one where I'm working now. I blogged about whether or not to take this new job. In some ways I'm glad I took it -- I haven't been bored. But in others, I wish I hadn't. The culture at my new office is just not a good fit. For example, I was talking to the Executive Director on Thursday about getting my wisdom teeth out. He said to me (not knowing about T and my reproductive situation), "It could be worse. You could be having a baby. Hahaha." I just looked at him and said, "Having a baby isn't bad." His response? "Well, in terms of pain it is." I just didn't say anything else. Of course, the day before was the due date of our second pregnancy. So, I just need to get the hell out of that place. I need to be somewhere where people have an iota of sensitivity and common sense. I hate where I work.

I had my wisdom teeth out on Friday. I'm doing pretty well, but I'm not my regular self quite yet. I'm starting to eat more solid food now, which is good. We have an injection lesson on Friday when I guess I will learn my protocol. I don't know when the probe will be ready for the PGD, so we won't start injecting until then. I assume I'll learn about how to go about getting the medications and whatnot on that day as well.

In one week from now we're having a large part of our upstairs stripped of wallpaper and repainted. Maybe we can be more organized after this. We will finally be able to put things away. My brother and sister-in-law gave us their old kitchen table, which is nice. It looks good in our kitchen. I'm pleased.

So I'm keeping very busy. I hope you all are doing okay as well.

Falling back

I didn't have my job interviews on Thursday. Both interviewers called on the same day saying that they needed to postpone. Luckily, I was able to postpone to Monday for both, and on Thursday another potential job called me and I also have a phone interview on Monday. So I have an informational interview, a phone interview and an actual interview on Monday. No going to work. Then, on Friday, I have my teeth out. I am very nervous about the teeth, but I have pain, so I'm also anxious to have them out. Actually, only one hurts, but all four will come out anyway.

We had an estimate done for our two rooms plus a huge hall closet that we haven't done over since we bought the house. By done over, I mean have the horrible '70s wall paper removed, and have them painted a 'normal' color. We are also having the trim in the hallway done. Happily, they're going to put on some gel stain over the paint and make it look dark, like the stain in the hallway. I didn't think it would be possible to make it dark. I thought we would have to strip all the paint off the door jams and whatnot, which would be incredibly time-consuming (meaning expensive, since we're paying someone else to do it). Happily, during the estimate, the painter told us otherwise. Woo hoo! I'm so excited to get this done. We moved in over a year ago, and we still have boxes of crap lying around these two rooms. It will make me so happy to get this done. I am trying to relieve myself of stress, and I think this will help.

And how's this for typical. I'm beginning to worry about the stress I'm going to feel during the upcoming IVF. I think I have to stop reading blogs for a while. It totally works me up, and I get so worked up so easily that I think I just need to distance myself. I need things from another place and time that are not about getting pregnant or babies. I'm going to stick with my SF and fantasy novels for a bit, I think. I'm knitting like a madwoman and generally trying to keep myself busy, but not too busy. Hopefully I can find an interesting yet flexible job.

I really need the new job to be flexible because of all of the doctors appointments I will have coming up. I told my current boss that I might be undergoing IVF just after I accepted. In retrospect, I sort of regret that decision. Not because I don't want work to know, but because I really don't like my boss and don't like that she has this bit of private information of mine. I feel like it's none of her business. However, I want my lovely co-worker J to be updated with what is going on. Her, I like and trust. The boss-lady, not so much.

It's windy out and I made a lovely sausage-vegie soup for dinner. T is playing his video game as I'm typing this. I'm still just so excited to get these rooms done. I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait!

Very Busy

I feel busy. There's so much stuff going on. I almost feel like I can't breathe. I took today off to make up for some of the extra time I spent on my horrible trip last weekend. It was nice to not go to work today. Tomorrow we're going to a friend's wedding. Sunday is my nephew's 10th birthday party.

I have two interviews next week. One is an informational interview at one of the universities around here. The other is an actual job interview at one of the huge hospitals in the area. I'm very excited at the prospect of getting away from my job. It is definitely a huge source of stress for me. We were assured by the insurance coordinator at the IVF place that if we switched to T being the 'owner' of our insurance, we would not lose out approval since T's company uses the same insurance company. In fact, as I type this I am recalling that I was going to call up the insurance company to make sure this is accurate. I guess I forgot. Too late now. I don't really have enough privacy at work to make those sorts of phone calls. But anyway, I'm excited that I have the ball rolling for a new job.

Next, I'm going to have all four of my wisdom teeth out on November 3rd. Oy. But I need to get this done. I still have jaw pain, and I need to finish this before I start the IVF process. This is good timing as I'm certain I'm not pregnant due to being on the pill. I'm a little nervous about it, but relieved that I will be under general anesthesia.

Lastly, we have an injection lesson scheduled for November 10th. This is when I learn how to stick myself with needles. Soon after this, the whole process will start. We had both of our bloods sent off so that the biotech people can create the probe. We have four huge consent forms to sign in order to get all of this done. I'm also inquiring about doing acupuncture along with the IVF. I need something to help reduce my stress.

So, there's lots of stuff going on. I think working full time is plenty enough. I really need to find a way to calm myself down. It's so cyclical. Thinking about the fact that I'm stressed stresses me out. I just need to breathe away my stress.

Starting anew

I have started birth control pills. I know that's weird for someone who is trying to get pregnant, but as most of you know, that is the first step before starting an IVF cycle. We went to see our RE last week, and since I had af at the time of my visit, he suggested I start bcps in order to stop the creation of the FSH that he wants to control with injections in the near future. So, we're on our way to our first IVF cycle. We need to get all the financial stuff set with the PGD people, and we need to send our blood off to them so they can create the probe in order to test the biopsied cell from our future embryos. (Isn't making babies romantic?)

Anyway, the thing is, we're starting the process. So, no ttc this month for us. Since I'm supposed to have at least one of my wisdom teeth out soon, it's good that I won't be pregnant for it. So I have to make sure to get that done soon. Hurray.

Meanwhile, I had a fiasco of a business trip to Albuquerque, NM this weekend. It was kind of an 'anything that can go wrong, will go wrong' scenario. The most obvious of which was, when I got to my hotel, they didn't have a reservation for me until the next day. It was midnight local time (which was 2 am Boston time). I had to sleep on a cot in the room of a woman I had never met before. Yay. I could go on, but I'm not going to. Suffice it to say, it sucked. I have two comp days coming to me. I think I might take one on Friday, and the other when I get my teeth out.

I can't believe I'm taking birth control pills.

Doubtful

This morning I woke up and my b00bs weren't sore, so I'm pretty convinced that I'm not pg. As the day went on they became a little bit sore, but I still think that I'm not pg. I think T wants me to POAS anyway, so I think I might. If for some odd reason it is +, I'm certain it wouldn't last. But I think it will be a -.

We are both getting really down about this situation. I know we have all of this hope in front of us with the IVF coming up and all. But I don't understand why we haven't got pg again. We've been trying for 7 months since my last m/c and nothing. I got pg two months in a row without trying very hard. We've been trying a lot for the last 7 and nothing. I just don't get it. It's making both of us sad.

We saw E & R and baby S this morning. He's getting so big and he's smiling and holding his head up on his own. It's cute. But I feel a distance between us. When there is a baby, everything is centered around the baby, and I just can't deal with it that much right now. I mean, when I'm with him I play with him and talk to him and all that, but as soon as they're gone I get so sad. I just feel like it's awkward between us and I don't really like that. Poor E is working from 6 to 4 four times a week without complaint. I think that's pretty impressive. I don't think I could do that without complaining. She's a real trooper. Maybe she's just trying hard not to complain because she has a baby. I don't know.

We had such a nice day today. We went to an arts festival up almost in NH. T bought me a necklace from a local jewelry artist. I was knitting the second sock with the yarn I bought in Portland while T was driving around. Then we had some fabulous barbecue. The we went to LL Bean and I bought some winter boots. My feet are small, so I'm lucky enough to fit in kids boots. They're way better and way cheaper. So we had this lovely day together. But then we get home and we both feel a little sad. I'm so, so tired of feeling sad. And I worry because things aren't that bad for us. Does that mean we will always be a little sad, no matter what?

We are so happy together as a couple. We both know we were meant to be together. T is so sweet and he tells me this all of the time. But because of this balanced translocation, there is some piece of us that will always feel lost. When I ask T what's wrong when he is feeling sad, he'll sometimes say to me, "I am broken on a fundamental level." It makes me feel so awful when he says this. I want to say something or do something to make him feel better, but I can't. I just tell him that it isn't his fault. He didn't do anything bad to make this happen, and it has nothing to do with him personally. But this doesn't really help him.

So are we doomed to be sad forever? I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but what if the IVF with PGD doesn't work out? There will always be a little part of him that will keep this feeling and there is nothing I can do about it. I just don't know how to cope with this.

It's true that we only feel this way some of the time. We still laugh, have fun and go about our lives. But in the end, this feeling always comes back. How do we make this go away forever?

Dental News

So, I was nervous all day waiting for the dentist. I hadn't been there before, and I had to fill out a big history sheet. On it it asked if I was pregnant. I answered possibly.

I told him about my pain, and that I thought the broken tooth was my wisdom tooth. All he did was stick a mirror in there to look at it and said, "Yup. It's your wisdom tooth. You need to get that extracted."

And I said, "I'm going to have to do that with general anesthesia." The thought of someone pulling out my tooth with just novocaine makes me have panic attacks.

So he said, "Well, if they're going to put you out anyway, you should get all four of them out. The same thing that's happening with this one will probably happen to the others."

Oy. So I got a referral to some oral surgeons, and I'm going to make an appointment. When I find out whether I'm pg or not, I'll figure something out. Well, if I'm not pg, I gotta get that shit pulled. But if I am, I have to figure out whether or not I can get it done. The dentist said I should be able to get it done, and that it's better to have it pulled while pregnant than have it get infected while pregnant. But we'll have to see.

In 2ww news, my b00bs are finally starting to get sore. It's day 8. That's when they got sore both times I was pg. But we'll see. I'm thinking of PingOAS on Sunday morning. It's really difficult to wait. That would be 12dpo. That's long enough, right? Especially if I do it first thing in the morning. Right?

Dentist

Bad teeth run in my family. My Nana had bad teeth, my Dad has bad teeth, and I have bad teeth. Unlike my Nana and my Dad, however, I have a rabid fear of the dentist. I practically cry just thinking about the fact that I have to go to the dentist. I already have 3 crowns, and I currently have a broken tooth that is sometimes quite painful. After putting off making a dentist appointment for the last 3 or 4 months, I finally have one next week. But, as we are ttc, I'm afraid of what the dentist will have to do with me. I cannot tolerate any procedure without being thoroughly numbed. I cannot have x-rays done until I'm certain I am not pg (I should be able to test on Oct 10). I just don't know what he's going to say or do or what. It's making me crazy. I think it's my wisdom tooth that's broken, though. So, hopefully I can just have it pulled and that should be the end of it. But, in order to have a tooth pulled, I need general anesthesia. I will not endure a tooth pull locally. I will freak out. But if I'm pg, I can't get general anesthesia. So this is my new obsession-- what will happen with the dentist. Sigh.

I'm on cd 5. No sore b00bs, but I feel like I've got extra cm going on down there. But not much to report on the 2ww front. Just more waiting.

Keep your chins up, everybody.

Longer than I thought

I spoke with the PGD embryologist today. In order for the big biotech to be able to do the PGD, we have to fill out the financial packet and send in payment. Then we can have our blood drawn so they can make the 'pattern' in order to perform the PGD. It takes 6-12 weeks from the time they recieve the blood to be ready to perform our specific PGD, so I definitely won't be starting fertility meds soon. It's going to be at least two months.

So, this isn't my last 2ww. If we're not pregnant, we'll have next month to try again.

It's so weird. The NP told me I should be able to start right away, and knew we had to do PGD. I was feeling time pressure because I didn't want to put it off if I didn't have to. I have all these appointments bunched up so I could fit them in before af was due. The NP even told me the people I needed to call. It came as such a shock that it would be so long. If they had just said it can take 2 -3 months until we would be ready for the PGD then I wouldn't feel disappointed, but now I sort of do. It's only a slight sense of disappointment, though, because I felt like things were happening so quickly and I didn't understand anything that was going on. Now I feel like I understand what is going on better. But, I'm still a little disappointed that I was lead to believe this was going to start happening right away.

Still, all and all things are going as well as they can in the trying to make a baby department.

My friend E is returning to work already. Baby S is going to be 3 months. Time goes by so quickly.

The beginning of the beginning

We had an RE appointment in the middle of the day Friday. T had to leave work and drive there, but it's close enough to my work that I can walk. I was planning to be gone about an hour. We hoped the dear doctor wasn't running too far behind. There was one other couple in the waiting room when we got there. It was five minutes before our appointment time when we arrived. Reasonably quickly the other couple was called in, and we were left to ourselves in the waiting room. People started coming in and leaving as we were waiting. About a half an hour after our appointment was supposed to occur, someone comes in to tell us our RE had to be called into the ER and perform emergency surgery, and that we wouldn't be able to see him. After silently wondering what type of surgeries REs perform, we were informed we would be able to see the NP so that our time wouldn't be wasted. We waited about 20 more minutes before we were able to see her.

The NP seemed nice and very capable. She, of course, knew nothing of us personally, but she took some notes to give to the doctor so he can create a protocol for us, and told us who to call and which appointments to make so that we could get all set up and not waste time. I was on day 12, and she didn't see why, if everything went smoothly, I wouldn't be able to start my BCPs on day 1 of my next cycle.

Since I was on cd 12, we asked if we should try this one last time before starting IVF. I was thinking in my head that we should. T agreed with me on that one. Even if we end up miscarrying, I want to know we tried as best we could to conceive the old fashioned way. The NP also said that IVF is such a huge deal, and if there's any way to have a successful pregnancy without it, you should. So, we're going to ttc one last time before starting this journey. Worst case scenario, we have another miscarriage and put off the IVF for three (or so) months. Best case scenario we have a healthy baby in 9 months. Middle scenario, we start IVF next month.

So I guess we'll have one more 2ww. We're beginning our long road, but so far, I feel like things are going our way.

The strangest thing

We're back. It was nice to get away. Portland, OR is such a lovely city. We also took an overnight trip to Bend, OR and toured around central OR. So cool. We drove through Bakeoven, which is one of the smallest towns I've ever seen. We stayed at the Old St. Francis School, which I recommend. McMenamins has a bunch of restaurant/hotel/movie theater places created from former public buildings. They buy them cheap, fix them up, and post information about the history of the place. What a great idea! The food is good and if you stay, you can see movies for free! We saw Cars. It was cute.

So, alas I did not even have to POAS. AF started one day before I expected. That means that I'm convinced I've had at least one chemical pregnancy between now and then. I've been getting so down about this. It's 6 months since the last time we were officially pregnant. I know that's not long in the IF world, but it's coming on the time I would have been due, and it's getting more difficult to remain optimistic. So I've been feeling sad lately.

My cell phone rang at work. It was about 4:45. It was the insurance coordinator at my RE's office. She said, "You've been approved for your IVF cycle." I couldn't believe it! This wasn't even an appeal. This was a first try. We're not supposed to get coverage. So I yelled, "No way!" She insisted that yes, we've been approved. I asked, "For just one cycle?" Those I know in MA with a balanced translocation were covered for only one cycle. Her answer? "For three cycles." My head spins. Three cycles?!?! With no appeal?!?!?

I can't believe it. We're approved for three IVF cycles. Three.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

Gone for a while

I'm leaving tomorrow on business, so I'm not going to be posting for a while. My 2ww will be over by the time I post again. I'm not sure how to read my body. I have sore b00bs, which seems to be the norm at this point. My bbts are not very high, which I think isn't a particularly good sign. But, this time I feel like I've been having some uterine twitches -- menstrual-like cramps, but it's way too early for that. I'm trying like H-E double hockey sticks to not read too much into that, but failing. However, given my low bbts, I feel like I shouldn't keep my hopes up. I'll probably bring a pee stick along with me to the Pacific Northwest. But tomorrow it's just to Baltimore.

I hope everybody has a nice couple of weeks!

Food

Last night we had dinner with my parents, my brother and sister-in-law and my two nieces, and some friends of the family. It was so lovely. We had steak, fresh corn on the cob, and I made a fresh blueberry pie with in-season wild blueberries, and it was super delicious. It was a little bit runny, but I'm told that's how fresh blueberry pies are. It didn't look too pretty, but it was so super yummy. I love blueberries. These were tiny, but so flavorful. Yum.

Today we are going food shopping so that I can have the ingredients I need to feed 6 people on Monday night. I'm going to make homemade mac&cheese with this eggplant/tomato hors d'oeuvre yummy thing and a salad, with peach/mixed berry crisp for dessert. Should be super yummers. I love cooking for people. I don't do it often enough. I've felt to busy lately, anyway. Although, I did cook for E&R recently. Was that last week?

Looking for pg signs, but finding none. It's early yet, but I just can't help myself. For some reason I'm not feeling particularly hopeful right now. But as we all know, I'm a big exaggerator, creator of symptoms, and making nothing into something. I just can't help myself.

We went to see the RE yesterday. T's semen analysis was excellent. I asked about Human Sperm Karotyping, and he didn't know anything about it. T and I are curious about seeing what percentage of sperm carry an unbalanced number of chromosomes and what number are normal. If, say, 95% of his sperm are unbalanced, the chances of us carrying to term is extremely low. But it doesn't seem like this test is well known or performed often, so I don't think it's going to happen.

With our current insurance, our initial appeal will be flat-out rejected. Our second appeal may get us one IVF cycle only. I am feeling saddened and frustrated by this. We have to be unable to conceive for a calendar year in order to get IVF coverage. Right now that means we would have to not be able to get pg until February or March or something. I'm getting discouraged about things these days, so it doesn't seem impossible that this will be true. But I feel so impatient about this. It's taking way too long. I will be 35 in May. Ugh. Just writing that down is freaking me out. If we don't have a baby until I'm like 36, how are we ever going to be able to have a second one? I'm feeling pretty negative right now. I'm afraid that we will get one IVF cycle and we'll get a BFN or there will be no 'normal' (for lack of a better work) embryos. I'm afraid of passing this bt on to my children and them having to go though this. I'm afraid of getting pregnant and miscarrying again, which will put off having additional insurance. I'm also afraid of not ttc anymore because there are people with bt who have healthy babies through persistence. This whole thing sucks, and it's rearing its ugly head in our lives again.

Good thing out next two weeks are totally chaotic.

Just a regular Wednesday

Same old same old here. I'm entering my 2ww. My ovulation has been kind of weird lately. My bbts are rising gradually and sometimes I can't figure out my cm situation. Like this morning I had some fertile cm even though my bbt had gone way up. But it was just in the morning, so maybe it was leftover? I don't know. I feel like when I first started this whole ttc thing I could read my signs better than I can now. I mean, I suppose things could have changed a bit, but I thought individuals were more consistent than that. I don't really know.

I have a lot of stuff coming up to fill up my 2ww. First it's the holiday weekend. Then I got to Baltimore for work on the 6th and 7th. It's back to work on the 8th, but I'm leaving early to go to a concert with T. And then we leave for Oregon early on the 9th. I'm still trying to decide whether to bring a pg test to Oregon. We'll be staying with T's mom, so I feel kind of weird about it. But it's not like she doesn't know what's going on with us. I could wait til we get back and it would be about 16dpo, so that could work okay. And if AF arrives, then I'll know my answer anyway. I just decided last cycle to POAS on day 14 every month now, and this is a deviation from that, but I probably can live with it. I guess I can decide based on my symptoms. And I could always bring it and not use it. We'll see.

Friday's our appt with the RE, and we'll work on insurance stuff at that point. Time keeps marching on. It's almost September.

HSG is done

I had my HSG today. The actual test kind of sucked. It's never great to have people shoving stuff all up in my business, and when they inserted the contrast medium a huge air bubble formed which made the doctor shift the catheter thingy around. That hurt like hell, but I didn't really cramp much afterward. The good news is that my RE said that everything looked normal. That's what we expected since I have been able to get pregnant before, so it wasn't like this was a big relief, but it was good to get confirmation that everything looks okay. He didn't have the results of my FSH or T's SA yet, but we have an appointment next week to go over everything and start the insurance process, so we'll learn all about it soon. It's better to get those answers when it all can be explained anyway.

Tonight T and I brought a letter of recommendation to a former co-worker of his. They were grilling in the yard and spontaneously invited us in for some wine and to share their dinner with him. After much hesitation, we finally agreed and had a wonderful time. We had fun talking and T and J did much gossiping and reminiscing about people at T's place of work. We had so much fun. They live in this cute little house in this cute little suburban neighborhood across the street from a park with a pond. It was so quiet -- so different from where T and I live. It was really nice. We need to make sure to invite them over. These are people we could be friendly with. We need more friends.

On Saturday E&R are coming over our house with baby S. This will be their first attempt to have the baby for an extended period at someone else's house. As E said, if there's anybody for them to try this out with, it's us. I think it should go well. R's still having a bit of trouble adjusting to life with baby. I hope he finds whatever it is he needs to adjust soon.

I hope this HSG isn't too close to my fertile time. Today is cd10. I just saw the start of sticky cm before my appointment. I don't know if the hostile environment of the iodine and contrast medium will delay ovulation a bit, or if things will continue as normal. If things do continue as normal, is it too close to ovulation time and has made my uterus not a nice place to live? I didn't ask the RE that question. I did ask the question about improving our chances of getting pregnant within the next few months after the HSG. He said that older literature said that this was true, but he's not sure about more current literature. But he did say, "It definitely can't hurt." So that's what I'm living with.

I'm ready for this to happen.

Sunday night

There's not much going on here at Henry Street this week. I made a yummy dinner -- we bought fresh fusilli from the pasta place down the street and I made some wonderful meat sauce to go with it. Our neighbor gave us some tomatoes from her garden and I put them in there. I have to say it was quite delicious. I also made some chocolate/peanut butter/oat cookies which were super yummy, and we drank some Chianti, so it was a lovely dinner. I haven't spent the day making things in the kitchen for a long time. I found it relaxing and enjoyable.

Yesterday we went to our favorite fireworks festival. In the morning we went to a local 'maple barn' for brunch. I had some delicious blueberry pancakes. They served the maple syrup warm, and it was quite lovely. We even got a maple shake to go as we walked around and checked out the sugar shack. The fireworks were incredible, as usual. This year it was a little more mellow than before, and they had a piece with bits of recorded material from people whose husbands or fathers were in the Army in Iraq. I have to say that made me quite sad, and I imagined that many people at the festival had relatives in Iraq, and I can't imagine enjoying the fireworks as much as they might have had they been not reminded of the danger their loved ones faced. I don't know anybody in Iraq personally, but that piece made me cry, and with all of the slow songs afterward, it made the fireworks a little bit difficult to appreciate in the ecstatic way that I usually do with fireworks, but I enjoyed it just the same. The fireworks at this event are the most wonderful fireworks I've ever seen in my life, though. They are so well choreographed and focused on color, and we are able to sit right underneath them. They had these huge fireballs where you could feel the heat when they went off. It was amazing. We read about a week long fireworks festival in Spain that we would love to go to someday. We never went on a honeymoon, so we are considering trying to go to that sometime. It would be incredible. I adore fireworks.

T did his semen analysis last week, and he said it was awful. My blood draw wasn't too bad. She had to poke me twice, though, probably because I drank the night before and had coffee that morning. Dehydration doesn't do good things for the veins. My HSG or whatever it is that I'm having is on Thursday and our doctor's appointment with the RE is September 1st. I expect that my fertile time will be this coming weekend (right after the test) and we will ttc as usual. Hopefully this test will do good things for us, but we'll see. I'm feeling pretty skeptical right now, but I'm sure I will convince myself I'm pregnant again, as I always do.

Our roof is all finished, and the squirrel seems to be gone. It looks really good. The leak in the attic is no longer there. We should have a new fridge by next week (we will call on Friday), so things seem to be moving forward in all sorts of ways. It's weird how that despite all of that, I still feel kind of stuck.

Trying to move forward

I've been wallowing for the past few days. I don't know how people try every month for an entire year with no results. It's excruciating. This cycle will be our 8th cycle with 2 pregnancies and 2 detectable losses. My pregnancies feel like they were so long ago. I was always sad when I miscarried, especially with the second one, (devistated, really) but I felt like I was able to move on. I'm finding myself thinking about how the due dates of my miscarriages are coming up and it makes me feel so empty. I was IMing with E this morning, and just thinking about her home with baby S made me sad. I just feel like I don't know what we're going to do, and that it can take so many years to have a baby happen and I just don't have that much time.

So, between talking to our therapist and needing to do something, I've set up appointments. T has his semen analysis on Thursday, which is the same day I will have my day 3 blood tests. On the 24th I am having some sort of uterine cavity x-ray with contrast dye. I don't know the name of this test, but I was told to take 3 ibuprophen 1 hour before the test, so I don't much like the way that sounds. If anybody knows anything about this, please let me know. ME, is this the "blow the cobwebs out" test you mentioned to me the other day?

Anyway, we then have a follow up appointment with our RE on September 1 to set up a protocol and start fighting with the insurance company. I know it will take some time and effort, but we should be able to eventually get some coverage. I think by the time we get through all of this and get to approval it will be time for us to try the IVF with PGD. So I guess we've taken our first solid steps toward that goal. In the meantime we can keep ttc, and if we get and remain pg between now and then, bonus for us. If not, we have our first attempt all set up.

I'm feeling okay about all of this for the most part. I guess I was convinced that it would be easy for us to get pg again, but that doesn't seem the case unless I'm having a m/c before a pg is even detectable. I know, I'm a crazy woman for thinking this, but I just can't help it. We got pg two times in a row the first two times we tried, and now -- nothing. But I suppose that's all irrelavent. I simply want to have a healthy pg as soon as possible.

Nope

BFN. My bbt dropped for the last two days, so I wasn't expecting anything else. Sigh.

I'm obsessed with my chest

Do you know what it's like to be obsessed with your own b00bs? I'm sure many of you do out there, but let me tell you, it's ridiculous. I think about my b00bs all day. This morning my bbt dipped, so I was sad all morning. I thought my b00bs stopped hurting, so I was even more sad. I touch them every time I pee. I think about them when I'm walking. I contemplate them when I'm sitting. But right now, I can honestly say they hurt. We'll see what my temp looks like in the morning. Tomorrow is 10dpo. I will not POAS before Sunday. I won't.

Still sore

Three quick things. 1) I think my b00bs are more sore than they were last two cycles. 2) My temp went up again, so I have a triphasic cycle so far. We'll see what happens tomorrow. 3) I feel like I shouldn't get hopeful or excited or anything about all of this, but I can't help it. I do it every time with every cycle. Good thing we're going to our therapist tomorrow.

Mid 2ww

I ovulated on August 1, so if you want to count along on our 2ww, just check the date. If I feel the need, I can POAS one week from today (next Sunday). I, of course, think I'm a bit symptomatic with sore bre@sts, but I have also convinced myself that all this is meaningless and I always think I'm symptomatic so I can't put any faith in what I think I'm feeling. I think I project symptoms onto myself in hopes that this thing will work out for itself. In somewhat related news, my referral went through for the IVF place, but we still haven't managed to call to schedule T's SA or my FSH. It's really difficult to schedule these things when one is busy at work all day and when one cannot shut the door to get some privacy. But we're working on it.

The weather this weekend has been amazing! Yesterday we worked on the yard and bought a bunch of groceries. It's so nice to be outside when it is nice outside. Last night we went to E&R's house to see them and the baby. We were their first houseguests for dinner, and though we brought the majority of the food, I think it was good for them to realize it's possible to have guests over even with the baby. R is having some stress troubles with the new arrival. It's hard on him to give up his independence, I guess. E seems to be doing well. Baby S is adorable, and such a good baby too. I haven't seen him scream once, though I'm sure he does it from time to time. He's gaining weight nicely, and tracking with his eyes, and his neck muscles are strengthening nicely too. He's over a month at this point already! I only had one moment of sadness while there. We were just chatting, and we were discussing how messy things are in our houses -- E&R made a mad rush to clean of the dining room table so we had a place to eat. I mentioned how we just have a hard time keeping things neat in general, and R said, "Wait 'til you have a kid!" and it just stabbed me. I don't know why that stung so much, but I could feel it inside my chest. It managed to subside pretty quickly, but I can still remember the feeling.

Today I weeded the garden and we went to the store. I'm off to go back outside to put all the weeds into lawn bags.

I guess we all just have to keep our chins up. Good luck, folks. I'm wishing all of you the best.