I'm feeling sad. Perhaps it's these hormones lingering in my body. I want to be pregnant. I want to be pregnant so much that it hurts. And I don't mean this fake pregnant that I am now, or the fake pregnant I was this time even before I miscarried. I want to be pregnant where I can talk about it with T and get excited. I want to be able to start making a list of possible baby names and tell T he has no sense of adventure. I want to not cringe every time my friend E talks about what's going on with her baby. I want to not cry when I hear that other people I know are pregnant. I want to be able to tell other people that I am pregnant. I want to throw up. I want to feel tired and have trouble sleeping. I want to think about what I'm eating and to stop drinking. I just want this ordeal to be over. There's too much going on with our lives right now. I want it all to stop and to just be able to enjoy my daily life and not get stressed out and saddened by the world around me. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like things are just starting to turn around and look good for us and then some other thing to bring us down comes up.
Compared to most people, T and I live a comfortable life. We are lucky. We can afford our nice house. We have good health insurance. We have good jobs. If something annoying goes wrong (like my car dying) we can afford to fix it without jeopardizing our ability to make our mortgage payment. Things are good. Or they should be. But with these miscarriages and our inability to stay pregnant, every small thing that goes wrong seems like it's adding to this huge pile of shit that I need to endure.
I try to remind myself that our lives are good. Except for this one thing. This one huge, monster thing. But aside from that we have a good life. But sometimes I just feel such little comfort from this fact. I'm not comforted. I'm sad. I'm so sad and it hurts.