Tuesday, January 23, 2007

It hurts

I'm feeling sad. Perhaps it's these hormones lingering in my body. I want to be pregnant. I want to be pregnant so much that it hurts. And I don't mean this fake pregnant that I am now, or the fake pregnant I was this time even before I miscarried. I want to be pregnant where I can talk about it with T and get excited. I want to be able to start making a list of possible baby names and tell T he has no sense of adventure. I want to not cringe every time my friend E talks about what's going on with her baby. I want to not cry when I hear that other people I know are pregnant. I want to be able to tell other people that I am pregnant. I want to throw up. I want to feel tired and have trouble sleeping. I want to think about what I'm eating and to stop drinking. I just want this ordeal to be over. There's too much going on with our lives right now. I want it all to stop and to just be able to enjoy my daily life and not get stressed out and saddened by the world around me. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like things are just starting to turn around and look good for us and then some other thing to bring us down comes up.

Compared to most people, T and I live a comfortable life. We are lucky. We can afford our nice house. We have good health insurance. We have good jobs. If something annoying goes wrong (like my car dying) we can afford to fix it without jeopardizing our ability to make our mortgage payment. Things are good. Or they should be. But with these miscarriages and our inability to stay pregnant, every small thing that goes wrong seems like it's adding to this huge pile of shit that I need to endure.

I try to remind myself that our lives are good. Except for this one thing. This one huge, monster thing. But aside from that we have a good life. But sometimes I just feel such little comfort from this fact. I'm not comforted. I'm sad. I'm so sad and it hurts.

4 comments:

Heather said...

I'm sorry Sweetie.

I hope it happens for you soon.

Clare said...

Oh Rachel, it brought tears to my eyes to read your post. Damn hormones and everything else. I feel your pain. So much to be grateful for but at times it seems insignificant when the thing you want most evades you and all the while being taunted by the excitement of being pregnant only to have it taken away. It's all about perspective and I have everything crossed for you that one day you get to enjoy the perspective of looking back on all of this with a huge big smile because you'll have what you desire most. A healthy baby. Then and only then will it all be worth it. Until then get lots of hugs from T and take heart in the fact that you are doing what you can and that whether it be March or April that you start your first cycle it's a positive step towards doing everything you can to increase your chances of getting there sooner. Hang in there.

Hoping said...

you have every right to feel this way no matter how good of jobs you guys have or how good your health care is. Yes you are more lucky than most in that aspect but wanting to be pregnant is something in the heart and totally different from material things.

Thinking of you.

UtRus said...

hi Rachel. i'm really sorry you're feeling so sad. hang in there - you've been through so much. are you still seeing the therapist that you mentioned a few months ago? I go every week (yeah, even now while pregnant - surprisingly it doesn't just "fix" everything) and it's a giant help. i send you big hugs