Saturday, October 07, 2006

Doubtful

This morning I woke up and my b00bs weren't sore, so I'm pretty convinced that I'm not pg. As the day went on they became a little bit sore, but I still think that I'm not pg. I think T wants me to POAS anyway, so I think I might. If for some odd reason it is +, I'm certain it wouldn't last. But I think it will be a -.

We are both getting really down about this situation. I know we have all of this hope in front of us with the IVF coming up and all. But I don't understand why we haven't got pg again. We've been trying for 7 months since my last m/c and nothing. I got pg two months in a row without trying very hard. We've been trying a lot for the last 7 and nothing. I just don't get it. It's making both of us sad.

We saw E & R and baby S this morning. He's getting so big and he's smiling and holding his head up on his own. It's cute. But I feel a distance between us. When there is a baby, everything is centered around the baby, and I just can't deal with it that much right now. I mean, when I'm with him I play with him and talk to him and all that, but as soon as they're gone I get so sad. I just feel like it's awkward between us and I don't really like that. Poor E is working from 6 to 4 four times a week without complaint. I think that's pretty impressive. I don't think I could do that without complaining. She's a real trooper. Maybe she's just trying hard not to complain because she has a baby. I don't know.

We had such a nice day today. We went to an arts festival up almost in NH. T bought me a necklace from a local jewelry artist. I was knitting the second sock with the yarn I bought in Portland while T was driving around. Then we had some fabulous barbecue. The we went to LL Bean and I bought some winter boots. My feet are small, so I'm lucky enough to fit in kids boots. They're way better and way cheaper. So we had this lovely day together. But then we get home and we both feel a little sad. I'm so, so tired of feeling sad. And I worry because things aren't that bad for us. Does that mean we will always be a little sad, no matter what?

We are so happy together as a couple. We both know we were meant to be together. T is so sweet and he tells me this all of the time. But because of this balanced translocation, there is some piece of us that will always feel lost. When I ask T what's wrong when he is feeling sad, he'll sometimes say to me, "I am broken on a fundamental level." It makes me feel so awful when he says this. I want to say something or do something to make him feel better, but I can't. I just tell him that it isn't his fault. He didn't do anything bad to make this happen, and it has nothing to do with him personally. But this doesn't really help him.

So are we doomed to be sad forever? I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but what if the IVF with PGD doesn't work out? There will always be a little part of him that will keep this feeling and there is nothing I can do about it. I just don't know how to cope with this.

It's true that we only feel this way some of the time. We still laugh, have fun and go about our lives. But in the end, this feeling always comes back. How do we make this go away forever?

5 comments:

Hoping said...

There is just no way to make those feelings go away....I am sorry that you are doubtful, I am thinking of you.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

Oh Rachel, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I completely understand what you are going through. Steve and I have been experiencing similar feelings since he was diagnosed. I hope that you get good news very soon. You definitely deserve it after all that you have been through. Big hugs.

Jessica at Bwlchyrhyd said...

I know there's not a lot of logic to this, but maybe you haven't been able to conceive recently because you've been trying so hard -- know what I mean?

UtRus said...

what you write is so... familiar. those thoughts.

it is so painful to feel the anxiety about this. i want to give you one little glimmer:

i never thought things would feel better. but they do. AND i have never even gotten pregnant (yet).

hugs

Angie said...

Just stopping by. Thinking of you!