a lot

We did a deep, deep clean of our house. It's kind of disconcerting, but it's definitely wonderful.

I start my new job tomorrow. Eeep!

I wrote this long, long explanation of my journey for Mel, and because I spent so much time on it I feel compelled to put it up here. So here it is. I didn't proofread this, so forgive my errors.

And remember, it's long.


We have been down multiple paths in our quest to be parents. I
believe that each step we have taken has been a logical progression,
but each step was agonizing.

We started out charting and having timed intercourse. I got pregnant.
I lost the pregnancies. After losing two pregnancies we were tested
to look for a reason and my husband was diagnosed with a balanced
translocation. The OB that called me with these results told me not
to worry about it too much. There was this really great procedure
called PGD that they could perform along with IVF and she was sure I
would be back seeing her in the summer (the diagnosis was in April)
with my happy and healthy pregnancy. That was two years ago. While I
am sure that news of my husband's translocation was a difficult one to
give, I am extremely resentful of this woman to give me such a happy
prognosis and to give me hope that things would go smoothly for us.
It did not prepare me in any way for the agony that was ahead of us.

I didn't want to do IVF. I hated the idea. Looking back now, that
seems extraordinarily silly, but that's where I was at the time. I
just wanted to make our baby the old fashioned way. We are lucky
enough to live in a mandated state, so while we were applying for
insurance coverage we tried the old fashioned way one more time and
needless to say we got pregnant and had a third miscarriage. I knew
that I would have to move on after our third loss. I was angry and I
was resistant, but I was also impatient and I wanted to do what would
give us the best chance. My husband was loathe to see me go through
another miscarriage. He hated the emotional trauma it caused me. It
hurt him to see me hurt. So IVF with PGD it was.

We did IVF with PGD three times. Even though I was able to get
pregnant pretty easily, I was an extremely poor responder to
medication. Our first IVF only produced 2 eggs. Without a
chromosomal disorder, you can hope for a miracle with 2 eggs that one
or both might fertilize and one or both might be strong and become a
baby. But when a balanced translocation is involved, only
approximately one in 8 fertilized eggs will be healthy after PGD, so
we knew it was hopeless. We went ahead with the PGD anyway and had no
embryo transfer. There was no explanation as to why I responded so
poorly. My FSH wasn't extraordinarily high. No one knew.

I clearly needed a new protocol to get more eggs. I was immediately
put on a poor responder protocol. This went smoothly without
questioning. There are poor responder protocols that work better for
some women. Everybody responds to the medications differently. We
did an antagonist protocol. This time we got 4 eggs. All fertilized,
3 made it to biopsy and none were healthy. We again had no embryo
transfer.

While 4 eggs was better, it clearly wasn't enough. I was ready to not
do IVF anymore. I knew it was futile -- I do not produce enough eggs.
The procedures are incredibly invasive and I didn't think there was a
snowball's chance in hell that this would work for us. My husband was
not ready to give up, though. He felt like it was his only chance at
having a biological child. How could I not give this chance to him?
I was very skeptical, but I had to do this last cycle for my husband.

We decided to go with a different poor responder protocol. This also
went smoothly without questioning. We simply needed more eggs if this
was to work for us. We would try anything at this point. Microdose
Lupron it was. We got 5 eggs. 3 fertilized and made it to biopsy.
One of the biopsied cells had no nucleus so its result was
inconclusive. We got a call in the car as we were driving to the
transfer. We fully expected for this transfer to be cancelled, but
there it was. An undiagnosed embryo. Should we transfer it? My
husband and I talked it over during the 10 minutes left of our drive
to the clinic. This was agony. What do we do? Risk another
miscarriage? But how could we not transfer it? What if that was our
embryo? We discussed things with the doctor once we got there. He
said it was up to us, but he saw no reason not to take the risk. What
if? So after agonizing over the decision and marveling over our bad
luck, we transferred. I didn't get pregnant.

We were out of insurance. We felt IVF was futile. I seemed to get
pregnant easily enough, but my husband's sperm was the X factor. So,
we decided to try donor sperm. We agonized over finding a donor.
Nobody was good enough because nobody was my husband. We knew we had
to choose whether personality or looks were more important. We
decided on personality. My husband wanted a computer geek donor
because my husband is a computer geek. We found a few. We read. We
discussed. We disagreed. We slept on it. We only found a couple of
appropriate donors. We whittled it down to a few. We chose. We
slept on it again. I woke up crying -- this was not the right donor
for us. I had a bad feeling about him. I didn't want to use him. My
husband said it was okay, that we didn't need to choose that donor.
We didn't know how we could find a new one because it had been nearly
impossible to find the one I decided I didn't like.

We started our search again. We expanded our criteria a little. We
found someone else. He fit. He was on the skinny side, but otherwise
he fit. We decided. I didn't cry. We slept on it. We ordered 4
vials.

We did 4 IUIs. The first one was natural. The second through fourth
we used Clomid and a trigger shot. We didn't want to risk the timing.
Donor sperm is expensive. Luckily insurance paid for the IUIs. I
didn't get pregnant.

I wasn't getting pregnant now. We thought it might be the donor. We
decided to switch donors on both our decision and our RE's advice. We
thought it would be smart. This wasn't a hard decision. Finding a
new donor was much easier this time around. I guess we were used to
the idea that the donor wasn't my husband and we were more open to
certain differences. We still needed to find a geeky guy who was good
at math. It would be nice to find someone who was a big guy like my
husband is. But we were okay with other differences. So we chose and
it was easier. We bought 4 vials again.

Our 5th IUI with Clomid and a trigger shot worked. I had taken an hpt
and it was negative on day 13, so I was sure it would be a negative.
My beta was 13. I was shocked. Second beta was 88. It more than
doubled. Third beta was 168. Not looking good. Fourth beta was 144.
It was time for my fourth miscarriage.

Now that the translocation factor had been removed, we were afraid
that there might be a female factor reason for this miscarriage. We
knew it just could be because miscarriages happen and it could be bad
luck. I'm 35. Miscarriages happen in women 35 and over pretty
frequently. But I demanded more testing and my RE agreed. We need to
make sure there's nothing going on on my end. I had the testing done
and I will get the results this week.

We are tired. We feel like we have tried everything without success.
We want to be parents. We want this whole thing to be over. I am
tired of cycling. I am just tired. We needed to start thinking about
adoption. Since my husband let go of his genetic connection a year
ago, this was not difficult for him. It was slightly more difficult
for me. I feel a little bit like it's less the genetic connection and
more about never being pregnant long enough to have a child. And I'm
afraid of not being able to choose the biology. At least with donor
gametes you get to choose the biology on some level. But I don't want
to cycle. I want a sure thing, and that's what adoption is.

We went to seminars. We are adjusting to the idea. We think we will
utilize adoption to grow our family. It is a difficult decision, but
it is one we feel is inevitable. We are still adjusting to this idea.
We are still working through this decision. But we know we will move
forward with it.

We own three more vials of donor sperm. They cost us about $1500. If
my testing comes back normal, we will use them. We may use
injectables again for a couple of cycles if our RE thinks it's
appropriate. Since I got pregnant with the Clomid last time around,
I'm not sure right now. We will consider doing IVF one more time with
donor sperm. We are unsure whether we want to do this or not. We are
still deciding. Yes, we are tired, but we need to make sure we have
done everything we can. We do not want to leave any 'what if's'
behind. We need to do everything we can.

We are still in an unstable place with these final decisions, but we
know we have no choice. Even though the choices are limitless, it
feels like the next step is prescribed. But we are close to getting
off this train and to enter an entirely new one.

The worst part of leaving ART behind and entering the adoption
rollercoaster is that you don't really get new relief. It can still
be years before you get a baby. You just leave one form of torture to
endure another.

But what can we do? We want to be parents.

Feeling down today

Today sucks. It snowed a little last night, and now it's pouring rain which leaves about an inch of slush in standing water on the sidewalks. It's cloudy and dark.

I made shortbread cookies, but I ate so many I'm starting to feel a little ill.

I'm feeling sad. Yesterday T and I kind of didn't get along, and that never happens. And today I'm just feeling sad about IF stuff. I'm sad that this has been so hard. I'm sad that we've had so many losses. I'm sad that we won't know anything about 50% to 100% of our child's genes. I'm sad that our child may possibly have had poor prenatal care and drugs or some other substance(s) that I never would have exposed myself to while it was in-utero.

Sometimes I wish I could live child free. I wish I didn't have this strong, compelling need to raise children. I wish I could just do the "if it happens it happens and if it doesn't it doesn't" attitude. I wish I could just let all of this crap go and just live with the cards we were dealt and just move forward.

But I know that I can't do that. I know that I will regret living child free. I have a lot of regrets in my life, and few of them are for doing something I shouldn't have. They are mostly made up of things I never did. And I know that this would be my biggest regret if I didn't do it.

I am just tired of all the hurt and all of the sadness and all of the ups and downs. I just want to live my life and in the space that we are in right now, I just don't feel like that's possible. There's too much going on (while nothing is going on, as I mentioned yesterday.)

I guess I just feel tired. I am so, so tired.

So many things, so little time

Our friend S came over the weekend and we started a deep clean. Yesterday morning we gave about 5 boxes and 4 bags of clothes and stuff to the Vietnam Veterans of America. They pick up. We got rid of lots of old paper and cleaned up bunches of clutter. It was good. We still have a ways to go, but we made definite improvements. I'm hoping to get some more done this week while I'm home, but I'm again finding it difficult to motivate by myself. But I'm really going to try.

We had a meeting with a social worker at an adoption agency. We got an application and can start filling it out at any time. We can start our home study before we stop our attempts at getting pregnant. I have asked people out there how difficult it is to do that, and the replies have all been, "Very difficult." So, I'm not sure we'll be able to do it, but we may try. We aren't deciding anything, though, until I talk to the doctor in a week. We need to know the results of my tests before we decide on our next step.

I saw my therapist yesterday and she said that we are in one of the most difficult times in our journey. We are finishing up treatments and realizing that they most likely aren't going to work. We're doing emotional work to start the adoption process. We are just starting that process and there is a lot ahead of us. We are at a place where we are not seeing any benefits and only liabilities. It is a crap place to be.

T and I don't argue or bicker very often. At least, not when it's not in a playful way. But we had a small argument this morning and it's getting me down. It was over coffee. I didn't make any for him this morning and he got upset. He says that the coffee I make is much, much better than the coffee he makes. I tell him what the beans to water ratio should be, so I think it's in his head. But I've been making coffee for him while I haven't been working and he was disappointed that I didn't this morning. But I say he can't be mad at me for not making coffee because he's not broken and can make it for himself. He says that he's mad that I keep changing the rules and doesn't know whether I will make it or not. But neither do I. I didn't want coffee this morning, so I didn't make it. It's that simple.

He did apologize, but I know he still feels disappointed. I'm trying to not feel bad because he feels disappointed. He should be able to make his own coffee.

I know that this is petty and stupid and if this is the only kind of argument that we have then we are in a very good place. I agree with that. I know it's true. I just don't like arguing.

I guess this just reinforces the fact that it's really time for me to go back to work.

I feel like there is so much going on while at the same time there is nothing going on. It's making me a little batty. I want to feel like I'm making progress, and I'm not sure that I am. We want to meet a couple of more social workers from different adoption agencies, but with my new job I can't take any time off from my training for three weeks and I'm not sure of the flexibility after that, so it's on hold for at least a month. I'm really nervous about the lack of flexibility with the new job (I know I've mentioned that) and I just think I'm going to have to tell a supervisor what's going on with me and I just want to keep things quiet for a while.

I'm sick of everything being so damn complicated.

S and her husband are coming this weekend to help finish cleaning up, so that's good. It really does feel refreshing to de-clutter the house. Perhaps now we can hire someone to come once or twice a month to do the cleaning that I just never get around to. And we can keep our house clean.

Oprah

I am going to blog about the Oprah show today where they discuss donor conceived children.

The pediatrician at the beginning of the show had a really good attitude about sperm donation. The second donor, not quite so much. He is enjoying playing "father" to his "children." But he's not horrible.

The donor conceived children's stories were.... mostly unhappy. It seemed like they were either children of SMCs or from a long time ago when donation wasn't open. In my opinion, these children are the ones most likely to feel angry about their conceptions.

I see another donor who has the good attitude. I will talk if a donor conceived child if he or she wants, but I'm not going to force myself on a child.

One dc woman does have a dad. She calls her donor Dad and her father Dad. She thinks of herself as having two fathers. This is making me feel pretty ambivalent.

Granted the reasons for conception are different, but I imagine an adopted child would feel similarly about his or her biological parents. I understand the curiosity and the need to meet the donor. I believe in open donors. Our current donor isn't open, but isn't open for the right reason. And has a family member that is donor conceived and I think if we express an interest down the road, I think he would understand.

The pediatrician's wife is also a pediatrician. I like them. They're good. They understand the idea of donor conception well. They don't over condemn, and they don't idealize.

This part is about donor siblings meeting. They are both only children of SMCs. I totally understand these people and why they have a need to meet each other.

So the siblings are talking about a void in their lives being conceived this way. That she, as an only child, was amazed at being able to look into someone else's face and see herself. Well, we have lost this, too. And donor sperm is how we are trying to allow ourselves to have a child, even if that child can't see himself in my husbands face, or we can't see my husband's face in our children.

All I want to say is, the hurt goes both ways, folks.

The pediatrician talked about regulation of the industry. It needs to be regulated better. No argument from me. He also talked about being paid for donation -- how blood donors are not paid (Is that 100% true? They used to get paid.) so why should sperm donors. This is something I think about, too. And I know that other countries do not allow payment for donating gametes. It's a valid point to bring up, though I am not expressing an opinion about that one.

Why were all the dc children women, except for the male reunion sibling? And why aren't egg donors discussed?

They leave with info about the DSR.

All and all, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. The choice of dc people was not quite as diverse as I would have hoped. It would have been nice if they had an adult who, while certainly curious about the donor, doesn't think of the donor as a father and thinks of his or her FATHER as his or her father. I know they exist. I have emailed a couple of them. I have a friend who was donor conceived and didn't find out until she was an adult who feels that way.

But all and all, it could definitely have been worse.

February cleaning

We have an appointment at an adoption agency on Monday morning for an initial visit.

I have finished my penicillin, but unfortunately my throat still hurts. I had been coughing a lot, but I had a pretty good sleep last night without too much coughing. The good sleep felt really good. The only issue is I got up to pee at about 3 and I couldn't go to sleep for a while and the theme song to H@nnah Montan@ was going through my head. Don't ask why I know the theme to H@nnah Montan@ -- it's something about being a former middle school teacher and being very interested in popular culture -- but needless to say it is a sign that I really need to start my new job. Aaaanyway, I'm just concerned because my throat really, really hurt again last night. Swallowing was not fun. I can't see any white patches in my throat; it is simply red down there. And the pain is further down in my throat than before. Should I go back to the doctor?

I'm still feeling pretty calm, though I was feeling a little bit sad yesterday. I spent some time with E and little S yesterday, and that is always slightly dangerous, especially with that ultrasound picture they have that is up on their refrigerator. That thing just kills me. S was a little cranky, and we went to a restaurant and he did a lot of screaming. He is really exhausting poor E, and her hubby doesn't quite appreciate the energy she spends chasing him around. But he did fall asleep on the way back, and that was nice. I helped E plan to redecorate her living room, and we moved some furniture around.

Now I await the arrival of S to help us clean the house. I hope I feel well enough to get a lot done. But I need to do a bunch of cleaning to prepare for more cleaning. Ironic, eh? I hope we're able to get rid of a lot of shit. I brought some packing peanuts to a store yesterday, and someone came to pick up our broken exercise bike the other day. Getting rid of stuff is good.

Less clutter is better!

Calm

I'm feeling a little better still. I still have a bit of a cough, but I'm definitely doing better.

I'm also enjoying my new found peace. I don't know how it came about so all-of-the-sudden, but I just feel different. I feel calm. I don't feel desperate. I just sort of feel okay with whatever the future brings.

Maybe it's the time off from cycling?

Maybe it is. Part of me wants to just stop cycling all together and do the adoption thing. Now. I have emailed the social worker from the agency that we think we are going to use and asked if there was a policy about treatment and starting the adoption process.

But I know we should do those final few cycles. I don't want to ever look back and think, "What if?" But I also want to start the home study. If any of those cycles worked, we'd put the adoption process on hold.

Oh, and the social worker that we liked from the agency we liked is the same social worker that did my therapist's adoptions. How crazy is that?!?

I just sort of feel like a different person. I didn't care that the Pats lost. I mean, I was disappointed, but I just felt like, "Whatever. It's only a game." And I got my hair cut today -- chopped, kind of. What do you think?


You can see my messy living room. I've been living on that couch all week because I've been so sick. Got bunches of knitting done. Speaking of which, here are the things I made my nieces. L is on the left and E is on the right. I just can't get over how grown up they are. L is going to be 11 this month.


Speaking of L, have I mentioned how incredibly talented she is? Check this out. She painted this.


Yes, really. She did. And yes, really. She's not even 11 yet. It's a friend of the family's dog, Buster. Words cannot explain how proud of her I am. She's done at least 4 pictures that are this good and they all have totally blown us away. She sketched my parents for my mom's 70th and it is perfect. I can't tell you how much it looks just like them. Incredible.

Okay, enough bragging.

In the meantime, it's election day. We're going to make pizza and watch the results on tv. T is a politics junkie.

I start my job two weeks from today. I can't wait. It's weird to me to feel this content, but I will enjoy it for now. We'll never know how long it will last. But for now, it feels pretty good.

More adoption info

Today, T and I went to an all day adoption seminar. The first part was about taking the step to decide to adopt. There were two adoptive moms and a social worker from an adoption agency. Actually, it was one of the social workers that was at the other adoption seminar we went to a couple of weeks ago.

The second part was about domestic adoption. There were three social workers from different agencies, each of which goes about adoptions in a different way. We talked about the home study and birthmoms and family.

Then there was the international adoption section. This was more boring and completely validated our decision to go with domestic. That is absolutely the right decision for us.

Then a panel of adoptive moms just talked about their journeys to their children.

It was wonderful. It really took a lot of the scariness out of this process for me. It also made T feel a little bit better about openness.

I know it was just one day, but I was talking to my mom and she asked me about the costs involved, and I heard myself saying that yes, it usually costs somewhere around $30,000, but with T's $5,000 adoption benefit through work and the $10,000 tax deduction, it ends up not being too bad. I mean, yes it's a lot of money, but T and I are lucky that we can find ways to finance the costs. I was shocked that I said this. I must be losing a little bit of my anger.

It must have been those moms talking about how they knew they found the child for them. Each of them said this in their own ways. Each of their stories resonated with each other. Each of them spoke with such love of their children. And I think there were 8 of them right there.

I know we are not done with our fertility treatments yet. We have no idea what my test results will say. No matter what the results of the tests are, the treatments may not work. They may work. We don't know. We still want to do injectables or whatever my RE recommends after the testing as well as one IVF with my eggs if necessary before we move on. I ams starting to accept the moving on part a little bit more. We do hope the treatments work. But even if it does, I do foresee us most likely adopting our second. And I really think I'm starting to be okay with that.

At least today. The adoptive moms said it is a roller coaster, not unlike IF, but once you start feeling better about it, it starts to keep feeling more and more right.

----------------------
As a health update, my throat is mostly better, but I definitely caught some sort of virus too, and now I have a respiratory thing. I cough a lot at night and have trouble sleeping. I feel better, but I also still feel a little bit like crap, especially at night. And now T says his throat is getting sore. Great.

Tomorrow is the Superb0wl. Go Pats! 19-0!

----------------------
My deepest condolences to Mary Ellen and Steve for losing their three little girls, Sylvia, Claire and Lucy. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling now. My thoughts are with you. I also hope Mary Ellen recovers well.

Thoughts on adoption

I've been thinking to myself that if a newborn (or a birthmom) were presented to us, we'd say, "Absolutely!" without hesitation.

But on a bboard, I just saw someone post that she knows a birthmom who wants to find a family. My heart skipped a beat. Would we be open to this idea?

Turns out, the birth parents are mixed-race, and they want a mixed-race family. Clearly T and I do not fit that bill. It's not the situation for us.

But it got me thinking about a baby. I do want a baby. I do want a baby right now. But am I ready to adopt -- to say yes to an adopted baby right now? I don't know. I think I'm still attached to some sort of ART working. Even donor egg with donor sperm makes me feel less scared than adoption right now.

I feel so confused. I want to be able to let go, but I can't yet. We are going to an all day adoption seminar on Saturday. (Ironically, we'll have to miss my cousin's baby's bris because of this. This is the second cousin baby in about a month.) But something about adoption doesn't sit well with me. This is so weird because my niece L is so great and that adoption has worked so well so far at age 11. Why can't I shake my scared feelings?

I know a bunch of successful adoption stories that last until adulthood. But I also know scary adoption stories of children no longer talking to their parents. I don't want that. But then again, I know fully biological children that as adults don't really talk to their parents.

The thing is, I feel like the not talking thing is different for the biological families than for the adoptive families. Maybe that's me throwing my baggage onto it, but that's what I feel like. Of course, thinking on it, it's not 100% true. Mental illness is probably the #1 reason for the not talking thing. I can think of 2 mental illness not talking situations off the top of my head. One of them is an adoptive child and one of them is a biological one. I know that adoption agencies try their best to screen for a family history of mental illness. And honestly, I'm not sure if we know whether or not our donor has a family history of mental illness. We don't think so, but do we know for sure? Another not talking situation is just because the son, now an adult, just didn't quite keep up with his sister (biological to the parents) and the parents (both professors). I get the feeling that he didn't feel like he fit in, especially intellectually. That's the one that really scares me. I'm afraid of our kid not fitting in with T and me.

I know there is nothing certain in the world. Anything can go wrong in any situation. Things can go wrong, biology or no biology. So why am I so uncomfortable with this whole adoption thing? Why? I don't want to be anymore.

Maybe it's because I got pregnant with donor #2 and I know we have 3 more vials left. Maybe it's because I know there's a chance that I could get pregnant, and with that chance right there, I can't mentally move on yet. Maybe it's because T and I decided we would definitely do IVF one more time with my eggs and donor sperm (with insurance coverage) before moving on.

I want to be able to process more than one thing at a time, but I'm not sure I can.

We also want to think about donor eggs and donor sperm if I don't get pregnant with my eggs. Both T and I thought we we would never think about that route, but we're finding out that our feelings are changing. At least we feel like we can have a little input on our child's biology with donor gametes.

Of course, we need the results of my tests first. If there's nothing wrong with my eggs, then donor eggs won't solve our problem.

I guess I just want all the answers instantly, and that's not possible. Writing this down made me smile a little. T tells me that I am extremely impatient, and I know it's true. Well, infertility sure forces patience on a person.

---------------
In other news, the penicillin is definitely helping as my throat feels much better, but I'm still not feeling really well. Perhaps I caught a virus along with the evil throat thing. I haven't been this sick in a long, long time. Happily, though, I am slowly recovering.

The world is out to get me

I hate feeling like the world is out to get me, but that's how I feel most of the time. I just found out that we aren't covered for my current RE under T's insurance. At all. We're going to have to pay for my SIS yesterday out of pocket.

We were told that the new insurance didn't have a contract with our insurance, but the second time we asked we were told it was fine. So we thought it was fine.

I am getting new insurance in three weeks with my new job. If I knew I wouldn't be covered I would have waited.

Now, it's not so much the cost that pisses me off. I mean, it's $500 that could be saved for something else, but that's not the real point here. It's just that feeling that no matter how mundane something is, it just never works for us. Something always fucks up.

I know that I am super lucky to have T. I do truly appreciate him and that we were able to find each other. That is one thing that is not fucked up and makes sense and the one thing I know is right. And we're lucky that way.

But I just feel like when it comes to everything else we are constantly getting screwed.

More tests

I had my SIS today. My uterus looks normal. The doc also looked at my ovaries and I had like 15 or 18 antral follicles, which means my fertility is fine. He has no idea why I don't respond to medication. He says that he has had other patients who seem to have normal fertility and do not respond to gonadotropins, but it is pretty rare.

I also had a butt-load of blood taken. They're doing the clotting panels and an insulin thingy, and a bunch of other things that I don't know what they are. It takes a couple of weeks for the results to come back, so I'll have a phone call with the good doctor on Feb 20 to discuss all of the results.

The test wasn't too bad except how weird it felt for the saline to slowly drip out of my uterus. That was a really weird sensation.

In other news, I'm on penicillin because I think I have strep. I went to my PCP today and the NP looked at my throat and was horrified. She swabbed me and gave me a prescription. My throat, meanwhile, feels like knives cutting my throat every time I swallow. I feel like hell in general, but sleeping is difficult with the swallowing problem. Hopefully the penicillin will work quickly.

I'm also just so ready for my job to start.

Starting Over

My hcg today was 4, which is low enough to be considered negative. I am to start bcps today. On Monday I am to have the SIS and a bunch of blood tests. I'm not sure whether I want everything to be normal with these tests or if I want there to be a diagnosis so that we have a plan for the next time I get pregnant which will help make it stick. I guess either way I still have a few more cycles ahead of me.

The adoption seminar was quite informative. I am still not mentally ready to proceed with adoption, but I can tell it is the right thing for me to learn more about it. The longer I sit with it, the more ready I will be to follow that route.

The scariest part of actual adoption, especially for T, is openness. Birth parents often want some sort of communication with a child. Now, meeting with a birth mother (and father) before a baby is born and a match is made makes a lot of sense. I can see how that would be comforting when choosing a match. It could make things feel right -- or to know they are wrong. T and I both like that idea. But T is terrified of face to face visits after birth. He is afraid of 'sharing' our baby and scared to have an adult suddenly become a part of our lives.

I can't say that I'm enamored with the idea, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately and depending on the situation, I think I could live with some type of openness. Thinking about being an adoptee or a birth parent, I can understand needing some sort of knowledge of my biological family. I mean, I don't think I could meet face to face several times a year, but I do think I could do regular written communication and some sort of sporadic face to face meet.

It's amazing to me how different adoption feels than donor gametes. With DI, we have chosen the specific donor and we have chosen to bring the child into the world. Adoption is just feels so different to me. I'm feeling all of the anger and frustration that I felt with the donor sperm all over again. Only more so.

T says he doesn't feel angry anymore. He felt angry for a long time, but he mostly just feels sad.

I wish I knew how to let go of my anger. I think I can live with a lack of biological connection. I even think I could live without ever staying pregnant long enough to give birth, though I think I will always be sad about that one. But I just can't stop being angry about how much time, effort and money we've had to put in to creating our family. I can't stop being angry about all of the loss we've had to go through. I am still really pissed that after more than two years and four miscarriages, once we decide to adopt we will have to fork over tons of money and then wait up to two more years in order to have a baby. I am just so furious about this. I've waited. I've done my time. I've suffered my losses. How can I be patient waiting for a match? I just don't know how to do that part.

Thoughts on yarn, food and adoption

Why do M&Ms of non-traditional colors seem to taste better than traditionally colored M&Ms? We bought weird colored M&Ms in Vegas and I just love them. Well, loved them as now they are all gone. Goodbye teal and maroon chocolate candies.

The hat I made my niece is apparently very fashionable and all the 5th graders want to know where she got it. Who knew I could be a hip tween designer?

I bought two more skeins of yarn today because my nephew wants a hat and another one of my nieces wants a hat like L's. I'm knitting up a storm.

Read this article (referred by Sarah) about eating and fertility. I've been thinking about changing our diet a lot lately, and I'm trying to be inspired by the article. Now, I don't seem to have ovulatory problems. I'm not even sure I have poor quality eggs, though perhaps I do. But I figure, if eating less animal protein, more milk fat and higher quality carbs will help with ovulation issues, then I will just try it and see if it helps with egg quality, too. Or I just might see if it helps me be more healthy in general. I was thinking of going with the reduced simple carbohydrates and more complex carbohydrates route anyway, and this seems like a similar idea. Combined with exercise and increased water consumption, maybe I (and T) can shed a few pounds. If anybody can glean more about eating habits from this article, please send them my way. I sort of only skimmed it.

I walked a little today. Yesterday I used the elliptical.

Tonight we are going to a domestic infant adoption seminar given by ACONE. I think I just need as much time as I can possibly get to digest this whole adoption thing. When we first started doing the donor thing I was absolutely certain that I would get and stay pregnant successfully, but I am getting further and further from believing that anymore. And even if I do manage to stay pregnant one time, I just find it so hard to believe that I would be able to do it again in a few years from now. I just think it's nearly impossible that we will not end up adopting at least one child at some point in time.

Though I don't think I can mentally cope with doing infertility treatment and adoption at the same time, I think it's important to start thinking about all of the adoption paperwork and the process so that when we are ready, we will know what we are getting into. Each of these processes are exhausting, so I want to give myself enough time to be able to process each of these huge decisions we are about to make. Ending treatments is a huge decision. Adoption is also a huge decision. There's just so much to wrap our heads around.

I've also been thinking a lot more about not choosing interracial adoption. I know I've mentioned before that the fact that I don't want to do an interracial adoption makes me feel racist. There was a piece on This American Life this weekend (on the Matchmaker episode) about a woman who is hired as an actress to work in this realistic doll department at FAO Schwartz. She acts as a nurse who gets the little girls to 'adopt' these very realistic baby dolls. They sign 'adoption papers' and pay an 'adoption fee' in order to bring the dolls home. She is not allowed to break the illusion of this being an adoption process. They have a sample doll that they are supposed to tend to when there are no customers around. This doll is white, but it is a sample because its head is too heavy and its fingers are webbed and it is just an irregular doll. They called him Nubbins. Well, people came in and 'adopted' all of the white babies first. Then there were only dolls of color and Nubbins. Little girls would come and play with the dolls of color and the mothers would ask if there were dolls that "looked more like Sally does," obviously asking if there were any white dolls. When this woman said no, some left and some did buy dolls of color. The Asian babies went first. The Latino babies went next. Finally, all that were left were Nubbins and the Black babies. This one mother and her daughter came in for a doll, and the mother not even trying to be subtle asks where are the white babies. The woman says there are none. The mother asks about Nubbins. The woman shows the mother Nubbins and his head flops weirdly and his webbed hands do odd things, and the mother wants Nubbins anyway. So, Nubbins, the defective white doll, was adopted before the Black babies were adopted.

I feel like one of those mothers. It makes me feel awful. It makes me feel like a bad person. I think that story is terrible, and I feel like I am one of them.

But dolls aren't children. Dolls don't learn. Dolls don't have feelings. Dolls don't need to learn how to live in a racist world. Dolls don't understand that they don't look like their parents. Dolls are inanimate objects. Children are not.

And then I get angry at myself. Infertility sucks. Knowing that you may never, ever stay pregnant long enough to have a baby sucks. Knowing that you may have to decide to stop trying to have a baby sucks. Knowing that you have to go through this huge process and pay tens of thousands of dollars to be able to have a family sucks. It is a painful process. It is wrought with emotional trauma. And I'm making myself feel bad because I don't want my child to have to ask me why he or she has different skin color than mommy and daddy. I'm making myself feel bad because I just want to have my family find some way to be "average," whatever that is.

I feel like that we will have enough to deal with, whether it be educating our child about adoption, navigating T's and my differing views on religion, or having a donor conceived child. I don't want to add an additional layer of seeking out a place in another culture for our child so that he or she doesn't feel alienated? And I've just read so many stories of these children being caught in the middle. Too white to identify with whatever their ethnicity is and too ethnic to be white. I just don't feel equipped to handle that in addition to everything else. I admire those who are able to do that. It is a wonderful thing if you can do it. I just don't think I can. My energy has been spent getting to where I am now.

I just can't stop feeling bad about it, though.

Not low enough

My hcg yesterday was 12.5, so I'm going to have to go in again. It was so close. I was expecting to have to go in again, but I really thought the number would be in the 20s or so -- not this low. So, it is a slight pain to have to go in again, but I'm confident that I will be near or at 0 by next Friday.

Today we are having a big family get together. We are honoring the memory of one of my Nanas -- my father's mother -- by making her special cookies and blintzes. My brother is going to make ribs in his new smoker and we will watch football. My parents are leaving for FL for two months and this will be our last get together before they go. My mom will turn 70 in March, but will still be in FL on her birthday. We were hoping to go down and visit them in FL, but with my new job it looks like it's not going to happen. I'm a little disappointed, but it's definitely better for me to have a job.

T has a cold so he is snoring like a madman. I use earplugs to block out his snoring, but his cold makes it so bad that it wakes me up even with the earplugs in. Not good.

Back

I'm back from Vegas. It was so nice to get away, and I enjoyed that city more than I thought that I would. I even gambled a little. So did T. Of course we lost, but not too much, so we can just write off the loss as 'entertainment.' We saw two shows, Le Reve and David Copperfield. The former was just incredible -- it's amazing what humans can do with their bodies, and the latter was impressive, if not what I was expecting. David Copperfield was geeky and self-deprecating where I expected him to be over-serious and egotistic. It's like he was aware of his reputation as taking himself too seriously and decided to make fun of himself. He reminded us of Bob Saget (but less dirty -- which if you didn't know he was dirty you should check out his HBO special or The Aristocrats). We had a really great time and it felt so good to just get away and relax and not think about things. Oh, and the two best things were the Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay and the Star Trek Experience at the Hilton. I am such a geek!

I bled pretty much the whole time, but the worst of it was over before I left. I was supposed to have a blood test this morning, but it snowed while we were away and we had to dig out the driveway this morning and I didn't make it, so I'll have to go tomorrow. I spoke to my RE while I was away, and we both agreed that we need to do extensive testing to make sure there are no female factor issues. We know my chromosomes are okay, but we haven't done a blood clotting test and he wants to do a hysterosonogram (the thing with the saline and the ultrasound) which is apparently more detailed than the HSG I've already had. He also wants to take other bloods for other tests that I don't remember because he wants to be exhaustive. So, I will have additional testing done once my pregnancy test comes back negative. And I will start the pill right away once I get the negative test, too.

I was only really sad once during the trip. T's boss, the former owner of the company (which basically means he's loaded) talked about how he had won a goodly amount of money gambling and since his wife was home with their baby that he felt obligated to go buy them presents. Then I went to find T to hear that he just lost a bunch of money at the blackjack table. This just made me feel so completely unlucky that I couldn't take it any more. I hid among the slot machines and just lost it. I tried to make myself feel better by thinking how lucky I am to have a wonderful husband such as T and that he could lose a little bit of money at the blackjack table and that it wouldn't affect us adversely, but it just didn't work. I just felt robbed of any sort of luck when the boss (and the other trillion people in the office who are pregnant or just had babies) had what they had. But we went off to a little party and I eventually felt a little better. Plus I bought some funny colored M&Ms.

The bleeding has really slowed, so I'm hopeful that the blood test tomorrow will come back negative. It's impossible to know, though. It may take another week or so, and I am prepared for that. I am sorry to return to some really sad news in the blog world. I am thinking off all of you in these difficult times.

Oh, and what's up with Las Vegas being a family destination? I saw so many babies and toddlers while we were there. I just don't understand! What are these people exposing these children to? I'll tell you what -- porn, gambling and excessive drinking. Oh, and cigarette smoke. No one under age 21 should even be allowed to go near the strip. Not in my world anyway.

Wow, good things can happen

I got a job offer yesterday. Though I was expecting it, I'm still kind of floored; I always expect things to not work out for me. I am accepting. The commute isn't the best, and the job itself is just doing technical support, but it is a growing tech company with plenty of room for advancement. I am of course terrified that I am making the wrong decision because the position itself isn't that exciting and my last two jobs, which were both completely horrible, I had some hesitations. But I don't have hesitations about the company itself, which is good, and the position is a good one for learning their product back and forth. Plus I get my old insurance back, which means I'll be covered for IVF again. Since I will be answering calls, it's a pretty strict schedule and I'm not sure how they cope with doctors' appointments, I'm not sure how easy it will be to make my myriad appointments. But the RE clinic is in the same town as my new office, so I'm sure I can mostly figure it out -- at least for the next 6 months or so. And we won't be doing IVF sooner than 6 months, if we do it at all.

We are leaving for Las Vegas before 7am tomorrow morning. I hope that it is a good get away. I am looking forward to just being away from home and from Boston for a while. We are going with people from T's work and I get along with them really well, so it should be a good time, as long as people don't constantly talk about their new babies. I probably won't post until I get back.

My next blood test is a week from today and I am still bleeding.

Go Pats! (I know most people hate them and want them to lose, but I'm a native New Englander! 19-0!)

still fake pregnant

My hcg today was 90. Going in the right direction (well, under the circumstances) but not as low as I was hoping. Still bleeding. I have to go in a week from Friday for another blood test.

I sent off for some adoption information. We're going to a Domestic Infant Adoption information meeting on Jan 23rd so we can understand more about the process and start thinking about an agency. I guess I need to feel like I'm moving forward in some way.

The biggest bummer about moving on to adoption is that when you decide to jump off the ART roller coaster, you don't just get to go to a peaceful place. You simply jump on to another roller coaster: Home Inspections, paperwork, profile, waiting to get chosen. I don't want to be on any roller coaster any more. I want to go to a peaceful place. But I guess a peaceful place will never exist for me. If I do get pg again, I'm sure I'll be pretty paranoid, though in an ideal world the second trimester should be a pretty peaceful time. If I don't get pregnant, we'll be on an adoption roller coaster until we get a referral, then there's all the other waiting for all the legal forms to be signed and for custody and finalization, plus follow up visits. And lord knows having an infant isn't peaceful (though in a much better way than having multiple miscarriages isn't peaceful). The whole process is so huge, crazy, overwhelming and expensive. I look at the literature and I freak. I can't absorb it all.

I have been feeling slightly less down lately, though. Slightly. My boobs definitely hurt less. I spent the day with my parents today. Still haven't heard about that job.

Vegas is coming up very soon, and I am starting to look forward to getting out of the house and just being somewhere else. We should have a pretty good time despite all of this shit.

more fun with a miscarriage

Still bleeding. Last night was a particularly crampy one. Not fun. Took some ibuprophen and sat with the heating pad. Then I went to sleep. I feel much better this morning. B00bs don't really hurt any more. All of this points toward a pretty low number tomorrow, so that's good. After my blood test I'm going to spend the day with my parents. They are leaving for Florida in a couple of weeks, so they're happy I'm going to stop by.

I have therapy today. I guess that's a good thing. There is a RESOLVE support group tonight that I sort of feel like going to, but also don't. I mean, I'd like to go to a support group, but that one is usually full of newbies, and I just don't feel like being the veteran bitter person in a group of wide-eyed hopeful newbies. I don't want to receive that, "Oh my god, that is so awful I'm terrified of her bad luck," look from people. I wish there were a veterans group. There is an occasional miscarriage support group, but I think the same issue would exist there.

We're also looking into finally going to some adoption information seminars. We need to get more information on how it works. Luckily my therapist knows a lot about that, too. So, we shall see.

Still feeling lame and self pity-ing. I hate this person I have become in some ways, but I just don't feel ready to pull myself out of it. I need to wallow a little bit longer. Somehow I will find a way to be strong again, but I guess I'm just not ready yet.

Here

I've been feeling pretty down lately. The bleeding started, but it seems kind of light, so I'm worried it isn't enough. I have another blood draw on Wednesday, so I'll know more then. I am just worried that it's going to take months for my hcg levels to go down below 5. I know I said that I sort of needed a break from all this ttc stuff, but this isn't how I pictured that break. I'll see how the bleeding goes over the next couple of days.

I'm starting to really think about adoption a lot. I am very close to saying FUCK THIS to the ART roller coaster and just sucking it up and going in to debt to do domestic adoption. I can't get past the infant thing -- I still want a newborn baby. And I still have mixed feelings about interracial adoption. I don't think interracial adoption is wrong. I definitely think it is a great thing for people who want it. I'm just not sure that's what I (or we) want. Between having interfaith parents and being adopted, how many more layers of complication can I handle layering on our child? I haven't completely ruled it out, but I still think I want a baby where, when we walk down the street, people won't necessarily know our family history without ever speaking to us. Sometimes I feel that's selfish, but I guess having a baby at all is selfish, so I am entitled to a last vestige of selfishness in what has turned into a long, horrible and painful process.

I had a really great job interview on Thursday. The job itself isn't that exciting, but it is a great company that is growing rapidly, and they do a lot of promotion from within starting in the department where I would work. The woman in HR gave me very positive vibes. I would have our old heath insurance again starting on my first day of work, so I think if I'm offered this job I will take it. It is a job that involves telephone support, so I am a bit worried about doctors appointments, etc, but I really need a job and I really need insurance, so I can't picture myself turning it down. They also have some sort of adoption benefit, though I'm not exactly sure of the details.

Tonight I am hanging out with E for a girls' night out. She's leaving baby S home with R. We went to their house for New Years and it was fine, but I'm really having a difficult time doing anything but feel sorry for myself lately, so I hope I don't act like an ass. I am thinking about Samantha's resolution to act with grace and poise this year. I admire her courage to do so. Maybe soon I can be in a place where I can try to do that, but right now I'm kind of wallowing in the depths of my own hell.

Nothing to do

My hcg levels are too low for misoprostol or a D&C so there's nothing I can do but wait.

Update:
I think I'm starting to spot! I never thought this would be uplifting, but I think things may be starting soon. Please, please please.

It went up

My hcg level this time was 144. It went up a little. No wonder my b00bs still hurt. This just sucks. I asked the nurse to ask the doctor if there was anything we could do to speed this along. I want this miscarriage to be over by the time I get to Las Vegas.

I'm feeling pretty empty. Usually I find solace in my knitting, but it doesn't seem to be doing much for me right now. I mean, I enjoy it and I keep making things, but I just don't feel fulfilled. I just feel like there is an empty pit in the middle of my body.

Maybe part of the reason is because I'm not working. I may have a job starting next Monday, but they have to see if they can make it so that it's not a problem that I'm not coming in the week we're going to Vegas. I do hope the job works out, though. I'm nervous about working full time again, but I think it's better to be busy and to have somewhere to go where I'm doing things than it is to make myself busy at home. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty I could do while I'm at home, but my motivation is pretty limited. And though I take care of some things, I'm not doing all I could do. I just find it really hard to reach inside myself and take care of big projects.

I hope I can get some sort of pill and empty out my uterus. This limbo is the worst.

Nothing yet

I'm not bleeding yet and my b00bs still hurt. I've been sleeping 9 hours per night or more lately. This really sucks. I have another blood test on Wednesday. I don't know how long this is going to take. It seems like an eternity.

Last year around this time we went to Mexico with T's office and I had a miscarriage while there. This year the trip is to Las Vegas. We leave on the 12th. I was hoping to be done with this miscarriage by then. I realize it's still a couple weeks away, but I'm starting to worry that I'm going to be bleeding for this trip as well. I really hate these trips now, as every time I've gone on one it's been associated with a miscarriage. At least it's the last year they're doing these trips so we won't be having another miscarriage, I mean trip, at this time next year.

I read or hear that many people are glad that 2007 is over and that a new year is starting and that it will hopefully be better. I wish I could be this optimistic. All I see with the changing of years is the passing of time. More time has passed and it seems like I'm even further from all of my goals than I ever have been. I have no job, I'm not interested in any particular vocation and I'm still not any closer to having a baby.

I started and finished this year with a miscarriage. But the year itself doesn't have much meaning for me. I've always found NYE to be pretty arbitrary and I don't enjoy the countdown or any of that silly stuff. We are going to have dinner with E&R and see baby S. I believe we spend last NYE with them. I'm feeling a little ambivalent about it, but I'm doing it anyway. Mailing off the bunny I crocheted for a cousin's baby shower made me sadder than I feel I will be tonight. But I didn't want to stay home and I want to stay friends with them despite what is happening.

I'm still feeling pretty sad and angry. I'm starting to worry that I have a progesterone deficiency, or perhaps a clotting issue. I have a phone appointment with my RE on the fourteenth. I will ask if I was tested for any of these things. I know this probably just happened and there's probably no real reason for it. With the low number to begin with, it seems likely it wasn't viable to begin with, even with the initial doubling that did happen. Maybe I'm just paranoid.

I just don't know what to do with myself until March. Actually, I'm slightly contemplating another Cl0mid cycle so I only have to wait two months before cycling again. I'm also thinking that it's stupid to do that and I should just wait the extra four damn weeks and do the injectables.

Stop this roller coaster! I want to get off!

Oh yeah. And have a happy new year, for whatever that's worth.

Comfort

A couple of people (IRL) have said that at least this miscarriage isn't due to the BT. Or I haven't been pregnant in a while, so at least I know I can still get pregnant. Or that since the BT factor is gone, I must be getting close soon. I don't want an unhealthy baby. Since this is my first miscarriage with donor sperm, it's kind of like it's my first miscarriage.

The people who have said this to me have had some fertility problems of their own.

T tells me that people want to try to look on the better side of things. That when there is something that is so completely crappy, people try to find something good in it. T says that's what the people who say these things are doing.

But to me, that sounds like a pregnancy is something not to be taken seriously. A pregnancy loss is a step along the way. A pregnancy loss is a good start. I can forget about my other three losses because I know why they occurred, and now that we've changed a variable I am starting fresh.

Don't people have a difficult time with one loss? Aren't people devastated when they have one miscarriage? Don't they feel like they've lost a child? Don't they have trouble moving on? Don't they need safety and support to get through it? Aren't other people sorry for their loss?

Just because I have been through this before doesn't mean I've gotten used to it. Just because I had a reasonable expectation that this would happen doesn't mean I'm not bowled over by it.

I have been pregnant four times in the last two years and I have no children. I have injected myself with hormones and gone through surgery, and not once did it result in a healthy response. My husband and I have let go of a genetic connection between my husband and our child. My husband sits next to me and holds my hand while another man's sperm is injected into my body. We pay hundreds of dollars for this privilege. Each time it doesn't work, it hurts. And when we get a small indication that it may work and it doesn't, it hurts even more. Especially when it involves cramping and bleeding and feeling every moment what we are losing.

I feel each of my losses acutely. I don't want anybody to try to get me to look at the bright side of things. There is no bright side of this. This is hell. This is crap. This is being robbed and cheated of something that most people barely even think about. We've had an incredibly difficult time of it, and it sucks. I just want people to say that. Say that it sucks and that you're sorry.

I know that it sucks for me and that I am sorry.

Update:
I just found out that I have to wait a whole cycle before starting the pill for my injectible cycle. It will be almost 3 months until I can have another IUI.

Miscarriage number four, now with donor sperm

My level today was 122. I will definitely be having my fourth miscarriage.

I don't have anything much else to say except for self pitying things, so I will spare you. Thanks for trying to hope for us.

Xmas

Still no bleeding.

My MIL has kind of stopped cleaning things. We drove her around last night looking at Christmas lights and playing Christmas carols in the car. She seemed to really enjoy that.

My parents and one brother's family are coming over for dinner today. It should be yummy, and I'm looking forward to it. It will be nice to have someone else around aside from just MIL. She is a lovely person and wants the best for T and me, but it's just tough to have her living here. She really drives me a bit nuts. She drives T a little nuts too, but he is much more used to her than I am. She is just opposite how my family is and that makes her a little hard to understand and relate to. I see ways that T is like her, but mostly he seems really different than her. I just don't get it. I feel like I am much more like my parents that T is like his. Having never met his dad (he died before we met) I guess I only know 50%, but still. I think in some ways he strives to be different.

She's obsessed with FlyLady and is constantly telling us how we have a 'hotspot' there and need to do something here to clean up our house. Personally, I've been too emotionally (and physically) exhausted lately to care about cleaning. I've tried to tell her that, but she thinks she's being helpful by giving us 'pointers.' She once told us she and her husband tried for 7 years to have a baby and she had just about given up by the time she got pregnant with T. I don't get any inkling that she remembers the pain of that time. I can't imagine it didn't hurt her to think that she would never have a baby, but she doesn't seem to have any recollection of how it affected her life. Maybe it was too long ago to remember. Or maybe it was different before all of this technology we have know. We know so much more about things these days. Maybe it's because she grew up as a toughened farm girl, and she is just incredibly stoic. I know she's sorry about our troubles, but I wish she could just let some of this stuff go.

Tomorrow is the big blood test. I'm trying hard not to hold out any hope, as I thing there isn't much hope there, but I still can't help hoping a little. My b00bs still hurt and as I said there has still been no bleeding. But I know the chances of this ending well is so, so slim. I have been looking at betabase and there have only been a handful of heartbeats with levels like mine. People's hcg at 16 dpo are generally 100 points higher than mine was at 20.

I just don't understand why this has to be so difficult for us. There are others I see online who have been through so, so much as well and it breaks my heart. But I'm at the point where I'm getting jealous of people whose second or third IVFs seem to work. That just seems like such a cake walk to me at this point, even though I know even getting to that place where you need to do IVF is so difficult. I understand that the pain of infertility is strong and is there for everyone. I am just so angry and bitter that I most likely am having my fourth pregnancy loss, even after doing 3 unsuccessful IVF procedures and deciding to sacrifice my husband's genetic connection to our child. I mean, what the hell? This most recent IUI being a flat out failure would have been so much easier than this.

I guess we'll know more on Wednesday.

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate. And peace to everyone.

As if things weren't bad enough

Today is T's birthday. He's not very happy about it. In fact, he's feeling quite sad. And we woke up this morning to his mother cleaning up our kitchen. She put dishes in the dishwasher and turned it on. While I wish she would just let me take care of things, this is not that bad. She washed my dish drying rack (and ended up breaking it) and then she was cleaning my counters with the poisonous cleaner that the old owners left behind. Then she started scraping an old sponge holder that I've been planning on throwing away with one of my good food knives.

It makes me feel like complete shit when she cleans my kitchen. It makes me feel like she thinks I can't take care of her son. It makes me feel like I am a bad house keeper. Okay, I am kind of a shitty house keeper and I know it, but I don't want her cleaning my house. I can't stand it. I work, I have blood tests, I have been trying to make a baby for 2 years and I am most likely staring my fourth miscarriage in the face. I wish she would just leave my house the fuck alone.

Not looking good

It came in at 168. That's not even doubling in 72 hours. This is not going to end well.

Now we have to go pick up my MIL at the airport tonight as she's staying with us for a week.

I have another blood test on Wednesday. I don't know what I expect for that test, but I do not expect anything with indications of a healthy pregnancy.

Better

Thanks for all of the supportive comments. I'm feeling much better today. I didn't even POAS this morning. I've had slight symptoms all day and I'm feeling strong and confident. I'm feeling like I will get a good number tomorrow.

I am still holding my breath, though. Waiting for that call is going to be excruciating. My confidence is so high right now that I don't know what I'll do if the number is no good.

I may just go POAS now.

Please, please, please let this work out. Please. I am ready.

Paranoia

Fear is an amazing thing. Yesterday I was feeling so great. I got a number that was higher than I had ever expected. I was over the moon. I felt for the first time in a long time that something might go right for us. My b00bs were a little bit sore and I was having a little bit of cramping. It was a sign that something was going on in there.

And then I went to sleep.

When I woke up, my b00bs no longer felt as sore as they had the day before. The cramping had stopped. I suddenly remembered the day during my second pregnancy where I thought to myself my symptoms were clearly not what they had been. Then I dismissed it with delusions of paranoia from losing my first pregnancy. Then an hour later I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding.

The fear of this not working out will not go away. The numbers are comforting, and I still POAS every morning. It still makes a second line and that line seems to be getting a little bit darker every day. Still, if I feel myself up and I'm not sore, I freak out.

I am trying to push this fear out of my mind. Freaking out will neither help nor hurt the situation. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. So far, things seem to be working out in a positive manner. I am trying to breathe and not fret. I am also trying to not feel myself up too much lest I freak out.

I am happy to say, however, that the soreness and some cramping did return by the afternoon, so I am feeling much better than I was this morning.

All I can do is hope for a good number on Friday. I need to take things one day at a time. So far, things seem to be okay. And if they turn out not to be okay, it's nothing that I did. I've done all that I can. Breathe. Breathe.

Beta

Well, it was 88!

I can't believe it! When the nurse told me I started shaking and almost crying, but I couldn't because I was at my temp job where no one knows my story. She told me I should be cautiously optimistic. I go in for another blood test on Friday. On Friday my level needs to be at least 360 for me to not begin to freak out. Actually, I'll probably freak out no matter what.

I'm extraordinarily happy about this. Thrilled, in fact. But the truth in this is that I started with very low numbers, and we just don't know yet. But things are good for now, and I will be cautiously optimistic.

On a completely different note, a placement agency sent me to a company to take a grammar test. They will not interview people who do not pass this test. So, I went and took it, and was told that I failed. We went over the answers, and one of the answers the guy who gave me the test said was wrong was actually correct. The test was wrong. I began to try to explain this to him and I started to get really frustrated. I missed passing the test by one answer, and one answer they marked as wrong was correct. I don't mind legitimately failing, but saying I didn't pass when they are wrong just drove me crazy. Anyway, I went into teacher mode trying to explain how I was right and it was wrong. The guy didn't get it. So, in my frustration I basically said that it didn't matter anyway since I failed, and thank you anyway. I left and called the placement agency telling him the story. While I was on the phone, the guy from the placement agency put me on hold and came back telling me the guy who gave me the test called to apologize and that I passed the test and that he was really sorry.

So it's been quite a day.

Anyway, thank you for all your support. It has meant the world to me these past few days.

(88!)

tested again

I've been using internet cheapies. Today when I came home from work I used a FRED. It was clearly positive right away - I am stunned. I'm not sure if you can see in the picture. I still can't imagine that a beta of 13 will turn into a healthy pregnancy, but it does look like the numbers are going up.

The blood test tomorrow will tell us more, but even if it doubles I don't think I will truly believe.

This is not how I pictured this.

A second line

So, when the beta came back "positive," I figured I'd POAS again to see what's going on. Yesterday there was a darkening where the second line was supposed to be, but the test was definitely negative. T couldn't see it until I pointed it out to him, and he kind of chuckled and said, "Yeah, okay."

Today there were two lines. The second one was very faint, but it was there and it was pink.

What do I make of this?
Should I be worried about an ectopic?

Chemical

My beta was 13.2. Dammit, that's not what I was expecting. I feel like I'd rather have a flat out negative. But oh, well. Now I simply need to be bothered to go in for another damn blood test on Tuesday morning. I also drank 2 margaritas last night and got pretty happy. I'm sure it doesn't matter, but it makes me freak out a little none-the-less.

So, this is something that is a first on our journey. Something new. A chemical pregnancy. I just hope it's below 5 on Tuesday. Maybe that's why they're having me come in on Tuesday, in the hopes that I won't have to come back if on Monday it's still over 5. Sigh. 13.2.

Not to be

Two negative hpts so far. 2007 just wasn't my year. I'll keep testing, though I'm sure it's futile. Beta is on Saturday.

Let the obsessing begin

I've reached the point in the cycle of obsessing. I'm feeling myself up a lot. I'm slightly tender, but nothing to write home about. It is only 8 days post IUI, so it's early yet. Last cycle on this day my b00bs were incredibly sore -- hugely so. But the soreness got less and less after that day, so we'll see if that's what happens this time, too. I'm thinking of doing the POAS thing tomorrow, even though it's really early. I'm also thinking about not doing it tomorrow and waiting until Tuesday. We'll see how much will power I have. Buying internet cheapies really reduces my willpower, though. It's just the prospect of one line holding me back.

I'm really worried that this cycle didn't work and I'm going to have to go on the pill and wait for at least a month before trying again. I know I said we were planning some time off anyway, but I haven't had a cycle off in a really, really long time. I'm just not sure how not cycling is going to sit with me. But I guess, for now, all I can do is just wait and see. T is constantly telling me that I have no control over it and to just let it go. But of course, we all know how impossible that is.

I really have no inkling as to whether or not this cycle worked. I can make myself believe I'm pregnant very easily, but I force myself to stop in order to lessen the disappointment if I'm not. But of course, this is futile too. I will be very upset, if not surprised, if I am not pregnant.

Another person in T's office has delivered a baby -- one that was conceived well after our last pregnancy ended. I'm so tired of this. So tired.

I like my RE

My RE is a good guy. I like him. He acknowledges the crappiness of our situation. He really, truly wants me to be pregnant. He actually said to me, "I can't wait to send you guys off to the OB." He told me not less than four times that he hopes I'm pregnant right now.

We settled on an injectable protocol if I'm not pregnant this cycle. It's a micro-dose Lupr0n flare protocol. That was the cycle that got me 5 eggs on our final IVF. They were mostly all the same size, too, which is the most important. I have a tendency to have one huge lead follicle with a bunch of smaller ones.

The bad news? What would cycling news from me be without some bad news? Come on, you know you were expecting it. Anyway, the bad news is that we can't squeeze it in before our insurance changes. So... we may take that break earlier than we had planned. Though, we will probably find a way to do a cycle by the end of January. With our new insurance it looks like we'll have to pay out of pocket and then get reimbursed. Yes, yes, that's much better than nothing. And we're paying more for the policy that covers 100% (we think). So, we'll be able to get a couple of cycles in while I hunt for a job that provides insurance with IVF coverage.

But of course, I might be pregnant right now!
(hahahahahahahahaha!)

I'm not temping this cycle. I'm trying not to think about it much. I'm trying to be lighthearted. Not sure if it's working. I am feeling myself up already, though. Nothin'.

Anyway, it was a fruitful meeting. I'm planning on POAS on Monday. Oh, and a second line did show up eventually on that test I took after trigger. And my RE convinced me with LH levels and E2 levels that my big follicle didn't ovulate early. He said follicles can grow up to 23 mm (about -- I forget the exact number, but it was big) with Cl0mid before ovulating.

So this is where we are. This month marks 2 years since I was pregnant the first time. I need this to be over.

hopeless already

I'm just already convinced it didn't work. I'm convinced that my large follicle ovulated too early and the smaller ones ovulated with immature eggs.

I peed on an internet cheapie just to be reminded what two lines look like and it came up with one line. Does this mean I didn't even trigger properly?

I cannot have hope that this might work anymore. IVF, maybe, but not this.

And I have to get a job so that I can have the insurance to do IVF. I have two interviews next week, one with a place from a placement agency and one at the place where I'm temping. Just like I can't imagine treatments working, I can't imagine being hired. I have had too many jobs in too short of a time to be desirable. Even though there are reasonably good explanations why I left each job, nobody wants someone who jumps around in the workforce and that's what my resume looks like.

I'm trying to remember that T and I are comfortable and we live good lives, but it's just so difficult to find comfort in this under these circumstances. I just feel constantly desperate. I am desperate. I am desperate for some comfort.

dIUI #5 Complete

We had the IUI this morning. I think my cervix and uterus are getting used to that catheter because the last to IUIs have been pain and cramp free. 25 million sperm with 85% motility for the new donor guy. Smaller count, but much better motility. I'm hoping that's a winner.

We asked about our new insurance, and it looks like once we switch over, we will have to pay out of pocket for the procedure and then get reimbursed. I think the meds will still be covered, though, since we will order through a mail-order pharmacy.

I'm hopeful that we can sneak one more cycle in (yes, yes, only if we need to) before we switch insurance. This will mean doing injections and monitoring while my mother-in-law is staying with us for Christmas and T's birthday. She is arriving on December 21. This will all be discussed at my appointment with the RE on Thursday.

T and I are talking about taking a break from treatments for a month in January. We are both worn out from this. I am not ready to stop for next month since it will be our last cycle with the good insurance, at least for a while, but if I'm not pregnant after that cycle, I think we may take a month off. We are going to Las Vegas in the middle of January, and we just need to not think about all of this stuff a little bit. I mean, we have a routine on our IUI days. A routine. This is how we know we've been doing it too much. I don't want to take a break, but I'm not sure my mind can take this for much longer. Of course, we will go back and do injectable cycles and then on to IVF again. But we are just desperate for a break from all of this, and January just seems like the right time.

Please let this one work so I don't have to think about this anymore.

The things people say

At work today, I was complaining about how much I pee. I mean, I pee a lot. Especially when I'm drinking tea and water. And today I woke up not feeling great, so I drank more fluids than I usually do. So I peed a lot. And I mean a lot. Once every hour or two. And the other night I peed four times in one night. FOUR TIMES. So, I was telling the 70 year old woman about this. And she said, "You better be glad you're not pregnant!"

I almost let something slip. I almost said, "Yeah, I remember from when I was pregnant," or something to that extent. But I didn't. I stopped myself. I managed something like, "Tell me about it," or something.

But I'm not glad I'm not pregnant. And how does she know I'm not? I could be pregnant and she wouldn't know. I think she knows that something is up with me about fertility stuff. I don't know why I think she suspects, but I do.

This woman had natural triplets 45 years ago.

Sigh.

The meeting about the job placement stuff was good. Trigger is tonight.

Monitoring

I had monitoring this morning. The good news? There were 4 (yes, 4!) measurable follicles. The bad news? One was over 20 mm, two were in the 15 mm range and one was more like 10mm so they were not all the same size. In the hopes that the two 15ish get bigger so they can produce a mature egg, we are waiting to trigger until tomorrow night. IUI will be on Saturday morning. I picked up the sperm this afternoon.

I was actually excited and happy after the nurse called and told me that we were going to wait until tomorrow for trigger. I sort of freaked out that I was happy and excited, but I decided to go with it for a while. I'm trying to convince myself that *this* is the cycle.

I have an appointment with the RE next Thursday to discuss the injectable cycle. I'm really wondering about it. I mean, my Cl0mid response is almost as good as my injectable response, so does it even make sense to do them? I guess we'll figure that out next Thursday.

I have a couple of appointments with job placement agencies this week. We'll see how that goes.

Here we go again on the roller coaster.

Oh, and dinner was incredibly amazingly wonderful. If you ever go to Cambridge, eat there. Delicious. The kind of meal where you sit and you eat and you enjoy. Just fabulous.

Anniversary

Today is our 2nd anniversary. We have reservations at a lovely restaurant called Oleana in Cambridge. We went there after our friends S&G got married. It was one of the five finest meals I've ever had -- up there with Blue Ginger. I hope it will be similarly magnificent this evening.

We were going to see a movie too, but the one we wanted to see is only playing in downtown Boston, so I'm not sure we're going to make it. Perhaps we will see a different one. Perhaps not. We did go see a movie on Friday. We hadn't been for a while. We thought the movie was excellent. It was the Coen Brothers' new movie, No Country for Old Men. Depressing as hell, but well acted, well done, and there wasn't a single baby or mention of a baby or pregnancy during the entire film. We considered it a win.

Thanksgiving was fine. It was nice to have the days off, and the food was delicious. Has some slight inter-family quibbling, which is annoying, but what can you do? Sometimes my two sisters-in-law butt heads a little. And they both talk to me about the other. I don't like it.

Last night I went to see E&R and little S by myself. T was too sad after hanging all weekend with my nieces and nephew. It is so cute how much some of my nieces love T. They head-butt his belly, they sit on his lap, the giggle while he teases them. T doesn't have much experience with kids, so it's nice that they get along so well. It's too bad that it makes him sad, though. But anyway, little S is such a toddler now. He's walking and talking and completely knows exactly what he wants at all times. He throws little tantrums when he's frustrated. I find it funny. Is that cruel of me? I always think little kids tantrums are funny. They are so easy to see through. I know it's frustrating when you have to deal with them all of the time, but until then I guess it will make me smile.

I've started crocheting a purse/bag for my niece for Chanukah. We draw names, and I drew hers. I hope she likes it. I'm going to make one similar for myself at some point. It's nice to craft again, though my finger is still numb.

I have a cousin that may have a job for me that is only 2 miles from my house. Not bad.

I have one more dose of Cl0mid and my first (and most likely only) monitoring is Wednesday. That puts me on track for a Friday IUI.

No decision

Because I started bleeding on a Saturday and today is CD3, I cannot do injectables this month. It takes longer than a day to get the insurance approval and I'm supposed to start meds on CD3. So no injectables for me.

I was really disappointed at first, but in the end, I think I'm okay with it. I can still do Cl0mid with monitoring and a trigger shot. Since I'm so oddly paranoid about multiples and we don't know what the 'action' with this donor is like, I'm happy to try one cycle without the injectables. I had two nice sized follicles with the Cl0mid, so that's a good start.

We will set everything up to make sure that if this cycle doesn't work that I will be able to do injectables for the next one. If that one falls through, I will truly be angry.

I can't believe that we're doing this for the 5th time.

New day, New donor

Blood test is out of the way. We are on to a new donor.

We weren't as picky this time around. We still believe that personality is more important that looks, but this donor is a big guy, just like my T is a big guy. He is strong in math, just like my sweetie is. He reported that he is stubborn, and my dear T has a stubborn streak, himself. He has at least one reported pregnancy, which our last donor did not. He had a family member who suffered from infertility and has a niece who was born via a donor, and that's when he decided to donate himself. He is not an open donor, but we are just going to live with that. His reason for not being open was that the parents that raise the child are the baby's real parents, and he doesn't think he should get involved. I can respect that. Though, if this works out and we would contact him one day, I hope he would be amenable.

Choosing was easier and much faster than I had anticipated. Our last stab at it was long and painful. I guess it's easier the second time around. We bought 4 vials.

I am still planning on using injectables. I'm terrified of multiples, but that feels sort of silly. I really don't want to have multiples. I know a lot of women think twins are great, but I don't. If I ended up with twins, I'd be okay with it, even though it wouldn't be my first choice. But I am completely and utterly terrified of more than that. I guess I shouldn't worry about it since I'm such a poor responder to injectables anyway.

Here's hoping that this guy works.

What is, and what I hope will be

I kept thinking how I would word the blog post that my negative was just an early false negative and that -- surprise, surprise -- I'm actually pregnant. I couldn't believe that this process wouldn't work for us yet again. When I woke up this morning, I contemplated taking another hpt, but I wasn't ready to see one line again. My bbt had dropped by a few points, and that was enough of a sign for me. And yet, here I am, still thinking that maybe it has just dipped, and if tomorrow my bbt is up, I will certainly pee on another stick. Is this a sickness? Have I lost all signs of sanity? Is it possible to go about normally in a normal world when this is how you think? Intellectually, I know that I am not pregnant. It's just, without any signs of bleeding or a blood test, I cannot completely let go. Why can I not let go?

I am thinking about letting go a lot. When is it time to let go of this quest to be pregnant and birth a live child? How much emotional energy must we spend? When do I know it is time to move on?

I am not ready to move on now. I'm giving myself about 6 more months. But in 6 months, I'm not sure I'll be able to do this any more.

I think about adoption all the time. Right now, I am too angry at the world to pursue it. Why should we have to spend our entire life savings to get what people make accidentally? Why, in order to save some money, do I have to not be able to raise my child from infancy? Why, when we got pregnant three times without any trouble can I not get pregnant now?

I have grieved infertility from the male side, but I guess I haven't grieved my side of it yet. It's funny, it's not the genetics that are getting me. It's the experience of seeing a child grow from nothing into something ready to exist outside its mother's body, to welcoming it to the world. I want to be part of that, and I'm not ready to give that up.

This is how I know that we will find some way to try IVF with the few eggs we get from me when we do IVF. Without the 1 in 10 chance of the translocation, it's possible that our few embryos will work. If that fails, maybe the expense of donor embryo is worth it for us, even if it's spending money for only a chance at something.

All of this is so damn hard. I can't believe that all of this shit has happened to us. The unfairness of it all overwhelms me.

Meanwhile, I'm still trying to make myself believe that I'm truly and honestly not pregnant.

Negative

Took a test this morning. Of course, it was negative.

I'm not sure how much longer I can keep doing this. We will find a new donor, probably do three rounds of IUI with injectibles, and then I don't know what. We found that one of the insurance options for T covers a total of 6 IUIs with ovulation induction (lifetime). So, at least we can do a couple of those on T's new insurance policy.

Should I find a new job to get coverage for IVF? That could work. Or should we move forward with one of our adoption options. Honestly, I think we will probably do both.

Meanwhile, we are again, just sad.

Crazy

This is the part of the 2ww where I go crazy. I'm constantly feeling myself up. Sometimes I feel quite sore, and this makes me happy. Other times, I feel almost nothing and this makes me convinced that I'm not pregnant. Again.

I also constantly think about the quality of the soreness. Soreness on the insides of my breasts is just premenstrual cramping and it isn't hope inspiring. Soreness on the outsides of my breasts inspires hope. Soreness when I move them up and down is a good thing. The lighter the touch and the more the soreness, the happier I am.

I think I was more sore yesterday than I am today. That is not a good sign. Yesterday I was feeling pretty hopeful, but I am feeling much less hopeful today. I know there is just no way to know. I know that I will know soon. T has tried to forbid me from feeling myself up, but there's no real way he can do that.

I'm still planning on waiting until Tuesday to test.

I feel like I get more and more insane with each cycle.

Getting dark early

It's just after 4 and it's really starting to get dark. Winter is on its way.

It's one week since the dIUI. B00bs are the same. Slightly sore, but nothing notable. Not much going on in the uterine area. I do feel tender, sometimes, when I sit, but that is most likely leftover swelling from the Cl0mid. I am still hoping to hold out on the pee stick until Tuesday. I'm not very hopeful. But there's a tiny part of me that is. I hate waiting.

I haven't done much in the searching for what we're going to do if this cycle fails. We really need to go over donors to pick a new one, but we haven't even looked again at the finalists from last time around. I did read some adoption brochures. They made me cry.

Embryo donation is more expensive than I anticipated. It looks like it's close to $3000 just to get the embryos. Then we'd have to pay for meds and for the transfer. So, I'm guessing that the final total will be in the neighborhood of $7000 - $10,000. I'm not sure it's that much less expensive than IVF with my own eggs, so... I don't know. We're still in the beginning stages of all of this. I don't know how much FET meds are. No stims, I guess, so maybe it would be cheaper than the overall total I've mentioned, but I'm not sure. Needless to say, it isn't sounding that great at this time. But it's still on our radar.

I'm thinking of cleaning the kitchen and then making cookies. Oatmeal Scotchies, I think.

Nothing doing

I'm already feeling myself up to see if my b00bs are sore. It's only 5dpIUI.

Of course I think they might be a little sore. Of course I think I feel things in my uterus. I feel these things every time. If you look back at my blog, you'll see I'm convinced I'm pregnant every single cycle. Even when I'm not. Sometimes even after I start bleeding.

Right now, I'm hoping to wait until Tuesday before I POAS.

We've starting thinking about adoption. I still like the idea of using a donated embryo, but being very pro-choice (even after all of the crap I've been through) and I just can't stand the idea of giving money to an anti-choice organization. I have barely done any research, but I am hopeful that some of the organizations are about making families and not about 'saving babies.' Anyway, we are looking into domestic adoption. I'm not ready to start pursuing it yet, but I feel like we need to start thinking about it. If not for our first child, then maybe for our second. And maybe for both. And maybe not. I just hate how uncertain everything is. It's all so ambiguous.

I feel like our entire situation is ambiguous. Nothing has been decided for us. We don't have to use donor sperm. We could try on our own and possibly get pregnant. People with balanced translocations do it all the time. Granted, they have tons of miscarriages, but they have children, too. So, we could try on our own. We thought the donor thing would be faster. But I know T grieves the loss of passing on his genes. And though I have been pregnant three times from having s3x, I just can't seem to get pregnant from these dIUIs. At least not so far. Maybe my fertility has become quite compromised in the last year or so. We don't know. We have every possibility in front of us. I realize that everybody going through this has choices to make, but sometimes things are decided for you. I feel like nothing has been decided for us. It's all just up to us and what we think we want to do. We have to guess at what will be the best (and quickest) thing for us.

T is in a bad way. He's just so sad again. Almost despondent, really. I'm not sure what causes his ups and downs. Talking about adoption in therapy made me cry. Maybe that was part of it. He's just been sad for the past few days aside from that, though. Last night he asked what if having a baby doesn't make things better for us. He's worried that our sadness will stay around no matter what. We've been sad our entire married lives. I got pregnant for the first time one month after we were married. I miscarried at 5 weeks. We've been struggling ever since. He just can't imagine that once we have a baby we will feel better. He feels like we've put all our eggs in one basket (so to speak). He's afraid that having a baby won't fix that ache he has in his heart. I told him I really thought it would be better, but I can't promise that. I don't really know for sure. I imagine it is true. I can't imagine that things won't be better once we finally get a baby some day. Other things will move in to bring us troubles -- things will never be perfect. But I think they will be better. I wish I could get him to believe that. I really don't think he does. It makes me so sad to know how sad he is. I'm still trying to not be too sad. It's not working as well as it did last cycle.

It's all just too much.

Nothing and Everything

I sometimes still read blogs, but I honestly have dropped off in that area. I check in on a few, but I rarely comment anymore. And because I don't really participate anymore, I realize that not as many people will participate in my blog. I am fine with that. It's only fair. If other people's blogs make me sad, it only comes to reason that my blog probably makes other people sad. I do appreciate every comment that everyone leaves for me. Thank you for that.

Other people's blogs make me pretty sad these days. There are only a small handful of people who were in the thick of things when I first started that aren't pregnant. This makes me incredibly sad. I wish I could be a bigger person and be happy for all of the people for whom fertility treatments have worked. And in a way, I am happy for people. I often say I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy. And it's true. I am so glad when people are able to achieve pregnancy (or adopt) and can get out of this hell hole of infertility. But that doesn't mean that it's easy for me to hear about other's pregnancies. I certainly don't want anything bad to happen to people. It has happened to me, and I absolutely do not want anybody to have to go through that. But again, I still find it difficult to read about heartbeats and milestones and symptoms and preparing for baby. I just can't deal.

Honestly, I also often feel resentful of people who are able to achieve pregnancies where there is a full genetic connection with both parents. I get jealous very easily these days. I know it's wrong, but I just can't help feeling that way. I know it will ease once I finally find my way out of this hell.

I know some day that all of this will be over for me, whether it is achieving pregnancy somehow or adopting. And I expect this blog to change when that happens. But it is difficult for me to imagine that day happening. And until then, this is all that remains.

dIUI #4 complete

We had the IUI this morning. The sperm count, as usual, was excellent. 38 million, 59% motility, moving in the right direction. The timing should be good, so am I allowed to hope this time? I know I hope every time, but I feel like it is with a good bunch of skepticism. We shall see.

In the meantime, we will pick out a new donor for next cycle, should we need it. My mother also got the name of an adoption agency from a friend of the family. If this cycle doesn't work, I think we may just get some paperwork done so that, if we decide on adoption, we can have paperwork done ahead of time. This friend had a domestic adoption. I really, really want an infant, so it would have to be domestic adoption for us, if that's what we want. I also need to start doing embryo adoption research. Does anybody know anything about it? I thought our RE's office had a program, but they don't. I'm just worried that an embryo adoption place will just be full of fundie freakiness. I don't want to have anything to do with that. And yet, I would be happy to adopt someone's leftover frozen embryos. Why not? Oy.

Has anyone seen the maxi pad commercial with the pad on a mechanical bull? T saw me watching that commercial and just started laughing at the look on my face. What the hell is that about? So, so stupid. Clearly written by men.