New Things

I started my job. I have three weeks of intensive training which is going well. I have played with our product a bit, so I know a little bit how it works so today the training was a little slow. I did learn a few things, but I'm ready for the pace to pick up a little. But I like the people and I like the atmosphere, so things after the end of day 2 are going pretty well.

I also spoke with my RE. Basically, all my tests came out normal. The miscarriage with donor sperm was a fluke. I think I kind of figured that was the case, but there it is. There aren't any female factor issues in this miscarriage thing. They did find that I have a mutation that means I don't absorb folic acid properly, so I will need to start taking a mega dose of it. It does increase the chances of birth defects, I guess, especially since I'm 35. But otherwise, things are normal.

So I guess I'm cycling again in March. We are going to do a micro-dose Lupr0n IUI. I am both a little excited and dreading it. I am starting the pill again on Friday, and in a couple of weeks I will be injecting again. I guess I'll just have to work something out with my new job. I'm still worried about that, but it is what it is. This is my priority right now.

And there's something else that's bothering me. My new company offers a pre-tax account for adoption (like an FSA for health costs) where you can put in a bunch of money that you are going to use for an adoption. But the thing is, you have to use all of that money within that calendar year, or you lose it. I have to decide how much to put in the account within 30 days of hire. And the thing with domestic adoption is, unless you are working with a flat fee agency, the fee schedule is kind of unpredictable. And we don't even know if we are going to go forward with it at this point -- we still have these treatments. So we don't know if we can utilize this benefit. Being pre-tax is a big savings, especially when you're talking about the large amount of money involved with adoption, but I'm not sure we are going to be able to take advantage of it due to all the uncertainty involved in our situation (and all adoption situations, really). The HR woman announced to the entire new hire class that no one has ever used that benefit. There are now over 300 people in the company. That felt -- I don't know -- it sort of made me feel a little bit like a freak. And on the life insurance form it asked if any of my listed children had been adopted. And I notice these things now because maybe some day I will have to check that box. Why would they want to know that? I'm not sure if the company even realizes the difficulty of using that adoption benefit. I may go talk to the HR woman privately about it, but I'm not sure. It just kind of felt a little bit crappy.

So that's it for now. The house is still wonderfully clean. I've been cleaning the kitchen before going to bed. Trash won't be collected until Saturday morning, so things won't be perfect until this weekend as we have a lot of recycling to bring out and nowhere to put it, but it feels pretty freeing to de-clutter. I recommend it if you can get to it.

So many things, so little time

Our friend S came over the weekend and we started a deep clean. Yesterday morning we gave about 5 boxes and 4 bags of clothes and stuff to the Vietnam Veterans of America. They pick up. We got rid of lots of old paper and cleaned up bunches of clutter. It was good. We still have a ways to go, but we made definite improvements. I'm hoping to get some more done this week while I'm home, but I'm again finding it difficult to motivate by myself. But I'm really going to try.

We had a meeting with a social worker at an adoption agency. We got an application and can start filling it out at any time. We can start our home study before we stop our attempts at getting pregnant. I have asked people out there how difficult it is to do that, and the replies have all been, "Very difficult." So, I'm not sure we'll be able to do it, but we may try. We aren't deciding anything, though, until I talk to the doctor in a week. We need to know the results of my tests before we decide on our next step.

I saw my therapist yesterday and she said that we are in one of the most difficult times in our journey. We are finishing up treatments and realizing that they most likely aren't going to work. We're doing emotional work to start the adoption process. We are just starting that process and there is a lot ahead of us. We are at a place where we are not seeing any benefits and only liabilities. It is a crap place to be.

T and I don't argue or bicker very often. At least, not when it's not in a playful way. But we had a small argument this morning and it's getting me down. It was over coffee. I didn't make any for him this morning and he got upset. He says that the coffee I make is much, much better than the coffee he makes. I tell him what the beans to water ratio should be, so I think it's in his head. But I've been making coffee for him while I haven't been working and he was disappointed that I didn't this morning. But I say he can't be mad at me for not making coffee because he's not broken and can make it for himself. He says that he's mad that I keep changing the rules and doesn't know whether I will make it or not. But neither do I. I didn't want coffee this morning, so I didn't make it. It's that simple.

He did apologize, but I know he still feels disappointed. I'm trying to not feel bad because he feels disappointed. He should be able to make his own coffee.

I know that this is petty and stupid and if this is the only kind of argument that we have then we are in a very good place. I agree with that. I know it's true. I just don't like arguing.

I guess this just reinforces the fact that it's really time for me to go back to work.

I feel like there is so much going on while at the same time there is nothing going on. It's making me a little batty. I want to feel like I'm making progress, and I'm not sure that I am. We want to meet a couple of more social workers from different adoption agencies, but with my new job I can't take any time off from my training for three weeks and I'm not sure of the flexibility after that, so it's on hold for at least a month. I'm really nervous about the lack of flexibility with the new job (I know I've mentioned that) and I just think I'm going to have to tell a supervisor what's going on with me and I just want to keep things quiet for a while.

I'm sick of everything being so damn complicated.

S and her husband are coming this weekend to help finish cleaning up, so that's good. It really does feel refreshing to de-clutter the house. Perhaps now we can hire someone to come once or twice a month to do the cleaning that I just never get around to. And we can keep our house clean.

February cleaning

We have an appointment at an adoption agency on Monday morning for an initial visit.

I have finished my penicillin, but unfortunately my throat still hurts. I had been coughing a lot, but I had a pretty good sleep last night without too much coughing. The good sleep felt really good. The only issue is I got up to pee at about 3 and I couldn't go to sleep for a while and the theme song to H@nnah Montan@ was going through my head. Don't ask why I know the theme to H@nnah Montan@ -- it's something about being a former middle school teacher and being very interested in popular culture -- but needless to say it is a sign that I really need to start my new job. Aaaanyway, I'm just concerned because my throat really, really hurt again last night. Swallowing was not fun. I can't see any white patches in my throat; it is simply red down there. And the pain is further down in my throat than before. Should I go back to the doctor?

I'm still feeling pretty calm, though I was feeling a little bit sad yesterday. I spent some time with E and little S yesterday, and that is always slightly dangerous, especially with that ultrasound picture they have that is up on their refrigerator. That thing just kills me. S was a little cranky, and we went to a restaurant and he did a lot of screaming. He is really exhausting poor E, and her hubby doesn't quite appreciate the energy she spends chasing him around. But he did fall asleep on the way back, and that was nice. I helped E plan to redecorate her living room, and we moved some furniture around.

Now I await the arrival of S to help us clean the house. I hope I feel well enough to get a lot done. But I need to do a bunch of cleaning to prepare for more cleaning. Ironic, eh? I hope we're able to get rid of a lot of shit. I brought some packing peanuts to a store yesterday, and someone came to pick up our broken exercise bike the other day. Getting rid of stuff is good.

Less clutter is better!