Saturday, January 05, 2008

Here

I've been feeling pretty down lately. The bleeding started, but it seems kind of light, so I'm worried it isn't enough. I have another blood draw on Wednesday, so I'll know more then. I am just worried that it's going to take months for my hcg levels to go down below 5. I know I said that I sort of needed a break from all this ttc stuff, but this isn't how I pictured that break. I'll see how the bleeding goes over the next couple of days.

I'm starting to really think about adoption a lot. I am very close to saying FUCK THIS to the ART roller coaster and just sucking it up and going in to debt to do domestic adoption. I can't get past the infant thing -- I still want a newborn baby. And I still have mixed feelings about interracial adoption. I don't think interracial adoption is wrong. I definitely think it is a great thing for people who want it. I'm just not sure that's what I (or we) want. Between having interfaith parents and being adopted, how many more layers of complication can I handle layering on our child? I haven't completely ruled it out, but I still think I want a baby where, when we walk down the street, people won't necessarily know our family history without ever speaking to us. Sometimes I feel that's selfish, but I guess having a baby at all is selfish, so I am entitled to a last vestige of selfishness in what has turned into a long, horrible and painful process.

I had a really great job interview on Thursday. The job itself isn't that exciting, but it is a great company that is growing rapidly, and they do a lot of promotion from within starting in the department where I would work. The woman in HR gave me very positive vibes. I would have our old heath insurance again starting on my first day of work, so I think if I'm offered this job I will take it. It is a job that involves telephone support, so I am a bit worried about doctors appointments, etc, but I really need a job and I really need insurance, so I can't picture myself turning it down. They also have some sort of adoption benefit, though I'm not exactly sure of the details.

Tonight I am hanging out with E for a girls' night out. She's leaving baby S home with R. We went to their house for New Years and it was fine, but I'm really having a difficult time doing anything but feel sorry for myself lately, so I hope I don't act like an ass. I am thinking about Samantha's resolution to act with grace and poise this year. I admire her courage to do so. Maybe soon I can be in a place where I can try to do that, but right now I'm kind of wallowing in the depths of my own hell.

11 comments:

My Reality said...

We have taken the adoption plunge and actually went into the 'free' agency. I felt a huge sense of relief that I could actually have a family. It is a long process, it takes at least 6 months to even get to the waiting list, but we are going to give it a go.

I had my heart set on an infant, but when the option of a sibling set was presented, it was kind of like 'wow' here is a whole family. We have a lot of thinking to do about what we would accept. It is tough to make the choices.

I hope this is all over soon, the miscarriage and the childlessness.

Almamay said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. (((hug))). Good luck with the job. It's hard knowing how to pace treatments because with IF yesterday is not soon enough.

Trace said...

It is a huge decision. It's one we went directly to. I could really care less about the bio link and I just wanted to be a mom. I don't really have any advice for you and all I can do is share my feelings. It is expensive, but will be so worth it when you have a child. Your insurance covers ART treatments in MA, and you are lucky, but really adoption isn't too expensive (home equity loans are wonderful thing). It does take away the emotional ups and downs that go along w/fertility stuff. After you do all the paperwork you just wait knowing that at the end you will be chosen. As for the mixed race thing. I too didn't think I was comfortable w/it, but as time passed I became more used to the idea (especially knowing you will get chosen a lot faster because there are more children available). It wouldn't bother me at all, however my husband is not quite as relaxed about it. He has the same opinion that you do and told me that he wanted it to be our childs story to tell who he felt comfortable with. Aside from the money, is a bio link, being pregnant, or being a parent most important to you. It is NOT second best just a different way to form a family. I hope I don't sound preachy because I don't mean it that way. If we aren't successful we WILL return to the adoption world.

Good luck w/the job and hopefully the miscarriage will resolve itself soon.

niobe said...

It shouldn't have to be so difficult. Thinking of you.

Samantha said...

I know my feelings go up and down all over the place! D and I have also discussed the whole issue of bringing a child into our family who comes from a different culture. We are also an inter-religious family. So it becomes a lot of traditions to think about juggling! Perhaps it really won't be a bad thing, but it is a lot to think about.

This is definitely a sucky way to take a break. I hope that the next test shows that things have cleared out of your system (as sad as that sounds).

ultimatejourney said...

You've been through a lot of ART and I can see why you're fed up with it. Obviously only the two of you know when it is the right time to change tacks. I think you will make wonderful parents no matter how it all works out.

FWIW, I think any 'layers of complication' in your child's life will feel normal to them since it is the only thing they will know, and since I anticipate that you will do a good job of talking to them about everything and making it feel normal.

Stacie said...

I am new to your blog. I just wanted to say that I am sending hugs your way.

Miscarriages suck. That is all there is to it. And I am sorry it is happening.

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

I know that you are down and certainly your feelings are 110% valid. But to me this post sounds much less depressed. You are making plans - the new job sounds like a great opportunity as it would fulfill some of your needs, like insurance - and considering adoption. I honestly think that ART can be a soul-killer and, if you feel it is time to walk away, then no one should question it. In fact, I was beginning to get REALLY worried about the hole this entire process has put you in and am relieved to hear that you are considering pursuing other opportunities.

Of course, I am here to support you no matter what you decide!!!

noswimmers said...

I'm so sorry you've having a tough time *HUGS*. The decision to adopt is a tough one--I've considered it, but not willing to completely go for it yet. Your heart will know when/if its time.

Good luck with the job. If nothing else, a big change will help keep your mind off things.

Mands said...

Hi Rachel, I had an early m/c after my 1st IVF. The bleeding took forever and when it did it was very light and strange. My boobs stayed sore for a while as well. I was told that this is normal. I am so sorry you are going through this again. It is an emptiness that's hard to put into words.
Thinking of you, and hoping it is over soon.
(((Hugs)))
Mands

Sarah said...

oh shit rachel, i'm so sorry about the miscarriage.

there are so many things to think through with adoption, i think it's great that you know how you feel about interracial adoption. if you don't feel it's for you there's no reason to fret about the decision. there are enough other things to work through (as if you haven't already had your share).