Today sucks. It snowed a little last night, and now it's pouring rain which leaves about an inch of slush in standing water on the sidewalks. It's cloudy and dark.
I made shortbread cookies, but I ate so many I'm starting to feel a little ill.
I'm feeling sad. Yesterday T and I kind of didn't get along, and that never happens. And today I'm just feeling sad about IF stuff. I'm sad that this has been so hard. I'm sad that we've had so many losses. I'm sad that we won't know anything about 50% to 100% of our child's genes. I'm sad that our child may possibly have had poor prenatal care and drugs or some other substance(s) that I never would have exposed myself to while it was in-utero.
Sometimes I wish I could live child free. I wish I didn't have this strong, compelling need to raise children. I wish I could just do the "if it happens it happens and if it doesn't it doesn't" attitude. I wish I could just let all of this crap go and just live with the cards we were dealt and just move forward.
But I know that I can't do that. I know that I will regret living child free. I have a lot of regrets in my life, and few of them are for doing something I shouldn't have. They are mostly made up of things I never did. And I know that this would be my biggest regret if I didn't do it.
I am just tired of all the hurt and all of the sadness and all of the ups and downs. I just want to live my life and in the space that we are in right now, I just don't feel like that's possible. There's too much going on (while nothing is going on, as I mentioned yesterday.)
I guess I just feel tired. I am so, so tired.