Wednesday, January 09, 2008

still fake pregnant

My hcg today was 90. Going in the right direction (well, under the circumstances) but not as low as I was hoping. Still bleeding. I have to go in a week from Friday for another blood test.

I sent off for some adoption information. We're going to a Domestic Infant Adoption information meeting on Jan 23rd so we can understand more about the process and start thinking about an agency. I guess I need to feel like I'm moving forward in some way.

The biggest bummer about moving on to adoption is that when you decide to jump off the ART roller coaster, you don't just get to go to a peaceful place. You simply jump on to another roller coaster: Home Inspections, paperwork, profile, waiting to get chosen. I don't want to be on any roller coaster any more. I want to go to a peaceful place. But I guess a peaceful place will never exist for me. If I do get pg again, I'm sure I'll be pretty paranoid, though in an ideal world the second trimester should be a pretty peaceful time. If I don't get pregnant, we'll be on an adoption roller coaster until we get a referral, then there's all the other waiting for all the legal forms to be signed and for custody and finalization, plus follow up visits. And lord knows having an infant isn't peaceful (though in a much better way than having multiple miscarriages isn't peaceful). The whole process is so huge, crazy, overwhelming and expensive. I look at the literature and I freak. I can't absorb it all.

I have been feeling slightly less down lately, though. Slightly. My boobs definitely hurt less. I spent the day with my parents today. Still haven't heard about that job.

Vegas is coming up very soon, and I am starting to look forward to getting out of the house and just being somewhere else. We should have a pretty good time despite all of this shit.

12 comments:

My Reality said...

You said it well - about the rollercoasters. I just want to have my family without all the bullshit ups and downs.

90 is headed in the right direction.

Stacie said...

I am glad you are feeling better, even if it is a little bit. Sending hugs...

Delenn said...

I wish you more ease on the rollercoasters!

Thinking of you...

Anonymous said...

Hi Rachel,
I am a lurker (dh also has a bt). I have some questions for you - if you wouldn't mind me asking. Could you email me? karenpince@msn.com
Karen

Schatzi said...

I am so sorry about your miscarriage. You describe very well what it feels like to go from ART to considering adoption. I find it all very overwhelming.

I'm hoping you have a great time in Vegas!

Evil Stepmonster said...

I'm so very very sorry this is happening to you.
I hope it's all over soon.
Take care

Samantha said...

I'm pretty tired of rollercoasters too. You're right, they're always there. I guess we'll have to start enjoying the thrill, but sometimes it makes me feel like throwing up!

singletracey said...

Just been thinking of you. I am glad you are figuring out your forward progression and your feeling better... even if it is just a little bit.

Trace said...

Once the paperwork is complete you just wait knowing you WILL become a parent in the future. If you can afford it, you could always continue doing DI while you wait. I would have done that in a heartbeat if our agency didn't charge quarterly payments. Some agencies have you pay a fee at the beginning and don't ask for more money until you get selected by a birth mother (THAT is the set up we will switch to if we don't get pregnant).

Susan said...

I'm sending hugs and I hope you feel better soon.

ultimatejourney said...

I hope you can get off the roller coaster soon. I really believe that good things are going to happen for you.

Lori said...

Hope you win big in Vegas, and that it is just a taste of all the success you have in 2008.

I'm sorry for your loss.