Tuesday, February 12, 2008

So many things, so little time

Our friend S came over the weekend and we started a deep clean. Yesterday morning we gave about 5 boxes and 4 bags of clothes and stuff to the Vietnam Veterans of America. They pick up. We got rid of lots of old paper and cleaned up bunches of clutter. It was good. We still have a ways to go, but we made definite improvements. I'm hoping to get some more done this week while I'm home, but I'm again finding it difficult to motivate by myself. But I'm really going to try.

We had a meeting with a social worker at an adoption agency. We got an application and can start filling it out at any time. We can start our home study before we stop our attempts at getting pregnant. I have asked people out there how difficult it is to do that, and the replies have all been, "Very difficult." So, I'm not sure we'll be able to do it, but we may try. We aren't deciding anything, though, until I talk to the doctor in a week. We need to know the results of my tests before we decide on our next step.

I saw my therapist yesterday and she said that we are in one of the most difficult times in our journey. We are finishing up treatments and realizing that they most likely aren't going to work. We're doing emotional work to start the adoption process. We are just starting that process and there is a lot ahead of us. We are at a place where we are not seeing any benefits and only liabilities. It is a crap place to be.

T and I don't argue or bicker very often. At least, not when it's not in a playful way. But we had a small argument this morning and it's getting me down. It was over coffee. I didn't make any for him this morning and he got upset. He says that the coffee I make is much, much better than the coffee he makes. I tell him what the beans to water ratio should be, so I think it's in his head. But I've been making coffee for him while I haven't been working and he was disappointed that I didn't this morning. But I say he can't be mad at me for not making coffee because he's not broken and can make it for himself. He says that he's mad that I keep changing the rules and doesn't know whether I will make it or not. But neither do I. I didn't want coffee this morning, so I didn't make it. It's that simple.

He did apologize, but I know he still feels disappointed. I'm trying to not feel bad because he feels disappointed. He should be able to make his own coffee.

I know that this is petty and stupid and if this is the only kind of argument that we have then we are in a very good place. I agree with that. I know it's true. I just don't like arguing.

I guess this just reinforces the fact that it's really time for me to go back to work.

I feel like there is so much going on while at the same time there is nothing going on. It's making me a little batty. I want to feel like I'm making progress, and I'm not sure that I am. We want to meet a couple of more social workers from different adoption agencies, but with my new job I can't take any time off from my training for three weeks and I'm not sure of the flexibility after that, so it's on hold for at least a month. I'm really nervous about the lack of flexibility with the new job (I know I've mentioned that) and I just think I'm going to have to tell a supervisor what's going on with me and I just want to keep things quiet for a while.

I'm sick of everything being so damn complicated.

S and her husband are coming this weekend to help finish cleaning up, so that's good. It really does feel refreshing to de-clutter the house. Perhaps now we can hire someone to come once or twice a month to do the cleaning that I just never get around to. And we can keep our house clean.


Jessica at Bwlchyrhyd said...

I think I have probably said this before in a different context, but I don't think the fight is really about the coffee. Of course T is capable of making his own coffee. There's something else though that's bothering him that he doesn't feel like he can express for whatever reason, so this is how it came out...

Samantha said...

"I feel like there is so much going on while at the same time there is nothing going on"--I hear where you're coming from. It feels like a lot to do, but it's all really preliminary to what you want to be doing. Maybe that's why T felt a little upset about the coffee, just because it's something small to focus on, with so much other change going on.

Susan said...

I wish I could make things easier for you. I agree that this is one of the hardest times in your life. To be pursuing treatments without knowing if they'll work and beginning adoption--that is a lot to handle right now. Maybe you should take a day or two off and spend time together doing. Sometimes taking time and spending it together away from home can help. I think it's great that you are cleaning your house. It makes me feel good to get rid of stuff and clean. The more cluttered my house is the nuttier I get. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

kp said...

That's a really good way of explaining it - so much going on, while at the same time nothing is going on. I never thought of it that way, but it is so true!
Good luck with the cleaning. I always feel great after I get rid of stuff and clean!