My hcg today was 4, which is low enough to be considered negative. I am to start bcps today. On Monday I am to have the SIS and a bunch of blood tests. I'm not sure whether I want everything to be normal with these tests or if I want there to be a diagnosis so that we have a plan for the next time I get pregnant which will help make it stick. I guess either way I still have a few more cycles ahead of me.
The adoption seminar was quite informative. I am still not mentally ready to proceed with adoption, but I can tell it is the right thing for me to learn more about it. The longer I sit with it, the more ready I will be to follow that route.
The scariest part of actual adoption, especially for T, is openness. Birth parents often want some sort of communication with a child. Now, meeting with a birth mother (and father) before a baby is born and a match is made makes a lot of sense. I can see how that would be comforting when choosing a match. It could make things feel right -- or to know they are wrong. T and I both like that idea. But T is terrified of face to face visits after birth. He is afraid of 'sharing' our baby and scared to have an adult suddenly become a part of our lives.
I can't say that I'm enamored with the idea, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately and depending on the situation, I think I could live with some type of openness. Thinking about being an adoptee or a birth parent, I can understand needing some sort of knowledge of my biological family. I mean, I don't think I could meet face to face several times a year, but I do think I could do regular written communication and some sort of sporadic face to face meet.
It's amazing to me how different adoption feels than donor gametes. With DI, we have chosen the specific donor and we have chosen to bring the child into the world. Adoption is just feels so different to me. I'm feeling all of the anger and frustration that I felt with the donor sperm all over again. Only more so.
T says he doesn't feel angry anymore. He felt angry for a long time, but he mostly just feels sad.
I wish I knew how to let go of my anger. I think I can live with a lack of biological connection. I even think I could live without ever staying pregnant long enough to give birth, though I think I will always be sad about that one. But I just can't stop being angry about how much time, effort and money we've had to put in to creating our family. I can't stop being angry about all of the loss we've had to go through. I am still really pissed that after more than two years and four miscarriages, once we decide to adopt we will have to fork over tons of money and then wait up to two more years in order to have a baby. I am just so furious about this. I've waited. I've done my time. I've suffered my losses. How can I be patient waiting for a match? I just don't know how to do that part.