Friday, January 25, 2008

Starting Over

My hcg today was 4, which is low enough to be considered negative. I am to start bcps today. On Monday I am to have the SIS and a bunch of blood tests. I'm not sure whether I want everything to be normal with these tests or if I want there to be a diagnosis so that we have a plan for the next time I get pregnant which will help make it stick. I guess either way I still have a few more cycles ahead of me.

The adoption seminar was quite informative. I am still not mentally ready to proceed with adoption, but I can tell it is the right thing for me to learn more about it. The longer I sit with it, the more ready I will be to follow that route.

The scariest part of actual adoption, especially for T, is openness. Birth parents often want some sort of communication with a child. Now, meeting with a birth mother (and father) before a baby is born and a match is made makes a lot of sense. I can see how that would be comforting when choosing a match. It could make things feel right -- or to know they are wrong. T and I both like that idea. But T is terrified of face to face visits after birth. He is afraid of 'sharing' our baby and scared to have an adult suddenly become a part of our lives.

I can't say that I'm enamored with the idea, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately and depending on the situation, I think I could live with some type of openness. Thinking about being an adoptee or a birth parent, I can understand needing some sort of knowledge of my biological family. I mean, I don't think I could meet face to face several times a year, but I do think I could do regular written communication and some sort of sporadic face to face meet.

It's amazing to me how different adoption feels than donor gametes. With DI, we have chosen the specific donor and we have chosen to bring the child into the world. Adoption is just feels so different to me. I'm feeling all of the anger and frustration that I felt with the donor sperm all over again. Only more so.

T says he doesn't feel angry anymore. He felt angry for a long time, but he mostly just feels sad.

I wish I knew how to let go of my anger. I think I can live with a lack of biological connection. I even think I could live without ever staying pregnant long enough to give birth, though I think I will always be sad about that one. But I just can't stop being angry about how much time, effort and money we've had to put in to creating our family. I can't stop being angry about all of the loss we've had to go through. I am still really pissed that after more than two years and four miscarriages, once we decide to adopt we will have to fork over tons of money and then wait up to two more years in order to have a baby. I am just so furious about this. I've waited. I've done my time. I've suffered my losses. How can I be patient waiting for a match? I just don't know how to do that part.


Samantha said...

I have carried a lot of anger too, over the "having to go through all of this." I will also say that I've been thinking about adoption on a more serious level for about six months on and off, and while I still don't know how/when I might pursue it, I think having that time to consider will be helpful for me in the future. It takes a while to digest all of the ideas, and sometimes I feel more positive about it than others.

Waiting Amy said...

I'm sorry it feels like starting all over again. I imagine that is the toughest part. Hang in there. Thinking of you.

Tray said...

The birth parent question is a big one. Now I'm comfortable with it, but it took a long time and my husband isn't nearly and comfortable as I am. At first I wanted international adoption because there wouldn't be much (if any) contact w/the birth parents, but we both want a caucasion child and I want a newborn. I didn't want to bring a 9 or 10 month old child into my life. It sounds horrible to say, but I didn't want to 'miss out' on a single part of motherhood. Even the crappy no sleeping, spit up part. So, how did I come to terms w/it? I realized that I am perfectly capable of loving more than one mother so why wouldn't my child? For example, I love my step grandmother and my bio grandmother. They are different and one does not eclipse the other. For me, putting it in those terms made sense.

Not all adoptions are totally open. It depends on what the birth mother wants (she holds ALL the cards). Some want a closed adoption. Others want a semi-open adoption (my preferred) which is when you agree to send pics, letters, etc. on a regular basis. The adoption agency acts and a mediary.

I don't know how I feel about the sort of open adoptions where the bio mom is at Christmas dinner and that sort of thing, but I'm cool w/regular visits.

So, give yourself time to grive and adjust to the idea. It's a lot to take in and a totally different mind set. It's NOT second best just different.

Good luck w/everything. BTW, if we're not successful w/DI we'll return to the adoption world.

My Reality said...

I don't know how I will wait for a match or deal with the being 'chosen' part. It is all a huge mindfuck.

I am glad T has let go of some of the anger, I hope you can, too.

I hope this is the last time you will have to start over.

Susan said...

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Some of the paths to parenthood are more difficult than others. I don't know why some of us are picked to go the more difficult route. I'm sending {{{hugs}}} and good thoughts your way.

K77 said...

I'm sorry things aren't working out the way they're supposed to.

Shelli over at did an open adoption and has some face to face contact with her daughter's birthmother.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I totally feel your anger! It is hard to get past the anger when you see how easy it is for others. None of this will ever be fair to any of us and getting over it is too tough to do.