301

Apparently, my previous post was my 300th post. Wow. I had no idea. That's a lot of posting. I sort of can't believe it.

So, T and I had a reasonably heated argument about these upcoming cycles and adoption all because of this stupid adoption "benefit" thing through my company. He was saying that he wants to put money into the account because he believes that there is no hope that any of these cycles will work. This, of course, made me ask why, if he had no hope, were we even bothering to do them. I said in order to do the cycles, I had to have a little bit of hope that they might work. T then replied that I had done a complete 180 from where I was a few weeks ago at our adoption seminar, and then I had said that I doubted that the cycles would work. This, as you can imagine, escalated to a not so very great place.

Then I stopped the discussion/argument. If it weren't for this stupid adoption "benefit" we wouldn't be having that argument. We both were feeling sad, hurt and frustrated about our situation all over again. All of our wounds were rubbed with salt, all because of something that was supposed to help us. We were both so angry.

We still haven't decided what we should do. I still think we shouldn't risk it and we shouldn't put any money in there. T still thinks we should put at least half the home study money plus the application fee in there. I just don't want to do that because if, by some strange circumstance, I get and remain pregnant, I'm just not going to want to do a home study. T is arguing that even if we do get and stay pregnant, which he really doubts will happen, we should do the home study because of how long the adoption process takes and since we will probably adopt our second child, if not both, we should get the process going anyway.

This is so hard. How can we do family planning under these circumstances? It is impossible to guess what is going to happen next. We are not getting any younger, and we are hoping to have our second child before T is 45. But how can we even begin to plan this? It is just not in the cards. We're just going to have to take risks and understand that we are going to be older parents.

This terrifies T because his father died at age 60, and T is afraid he is not going to be around to see our children's later milestones.

We're going to discuss whether or not to use this so-called "benefit" with our therapist next week. Hopefully she can help us get some perspective.

Work and things

So, things are going okay. Thank you so much for letting me know I'm not alone. I know I am not, but it's amazing how comments like that can send me spiraling downward. You are right that the HR woman should not have said what she did. But I guess I will chalk it up to ignorance and try to move on.

Work is generally good. It's good to be busy and I'm learning things and everybody seems to be very nice. Of course someone in my training class's wife is pregnant and someone else has a 1 1/2 year old and the person sitting diagonally from me has pictures of his baby son on the walls and there is a bunch of baby talk, but I am mostly taking it in stride. And I like having somewhere to go. I don't like commuting, even though the drive I have could be way, way worse. I just hate it. But it's only about 30 minutes, so I know I shouldn't complain.

I've decided to do exercise, so I'm waking up about 30 min early and either using our elliptical or doing a yoga DVD. I've only done it for two days, but so far so good. I'm planning on alternating. Today was elliptical so tomorrow is yoga. I hope I can keep it up and maybe I'll be slightly less depressed and will lose a little weight.

We're going to another adoption seminar in the beginning of April. I feel like I need to keep going to these things because when I stop I start getting down about it. It is through ACONE and looks like it will be really informative. We are able to choose which programs we want to go to, and there's even one separate for men and women, which I think is great. I so want T to be able to talk with a bunch of other men about all of this.

I'm managing to keep the house in pretty good shape after the big clean up. That feels pretty good. I made some new curtains. I'm only partially done, but this is what it looks like so far. I'm pretty pleased with them. I feel like they've really changed the way the kitchen looks. I'm going to make a curtain for the top, too. And we have a door with a window and I'm working on a curtain for that too -- with another fabric on the other side so it looks good from the outside. I don't love sewing like I love knitting, but I do feel accomplished when I'm done. I was hoping to make the curtains a little longer, but this is how they came out, so it is what it is. I still think it looks good.

I am waiting on insurance approval for our upcoming cycle, so I don't have any news in that area. T and I still haven't decided whether to try to utilize that adoption benefit. I'm of the mind to not use it since if I do get pregnant on one of these cycles, I won't want to do the home study right then. If we put money in and don't use it, we'll lose it, so the less risky thing to do is to not put money in. Using the money post tax is less loss than losing the entire home study amount we put in there.

I always feel like I should make some sort of closing statement in these posts, but I don't really have one, so I'm going to just stop writing. I need to go make dinner anyway.

The freak in the corner

Another one of T's employees' wives is pregnant. She was drinking when we were in Las Vegas (5 weeks ago), so how pregnant can she be?

I wish this news didn't hurt so much. They're like 25 years old. And they got married after us.

I mentioned to the HR woman how the adoption benefit, while good in theory, doesn't work out so great. And maybe that's why no one has used it. But she said, no -- no one in the entire company has ever adopted. She would have known about it because they would have to talk to her about maternity/paternity leave.

And the cheese stands alone.

How we tell

From Mel:
If you have told anyone, how did you broach the conversation? Did you wait for an opening or create it yourself (and if you created it, how)? Do you tell more than one person at a time or do you like to find private moments where you can talk about it one-on-one? Do you prefer to tell people in a written medium--email, letter--or face-to-face? Why did you tell them and how did they react? Were you disappointed or grateful, and did the telling make a difference in your life the day after and the day after that (in other words, did the telling do anything to change your daily existence either positively or negatively)?

Of all of the infertility questions, I think this one is the most difficult for me to answer. I think this may be because it is about other people. I can talk about how I process things with ease, but telling others involves the processing of other people, and it's difficult for me to explain. Maybe because I only get half of the experience.

Basically, telling people about our situation is mostly awkward. I don't know how to bring it up and people generally don't know how to react.

The first thing we had to tell the general public was about my husband's diagnosis. When the diagnosis is a balanced translocation, this is not such an easy thing. Talking about genes and chromosomes and meiosis which are all the things you need to talk about when explaining a balanced translocation. I also had to say that we had had two miscarriages which is what lead to the diagnosis. We were choosy about who we told. We told our family. We told a handful of our closest friends. I just called people up, found a break in the conversation and dove right in. I don't like telling people things like that in writing. I didn't know how else to do it. I just needed to dive in and say my piece. My husband is incredibly introverted, so I knew he couldn't tell people. The only person he told was his mother. I told everybody else.

Reactions varied. It's so long ago now that I don't remember very vividly, but everybody was generally understanding and supportive. My husband's mother was worried she had done something bad during her pregnancy to cause the translocation, so we had to assure her that this wasn't the case. She had a difficult time getting pregnant and finally had by husband after trying for 7 years. We think he inherited the translocation from her, but we never confirmed it with blood tests. We didn't see the point. But everyone understood that we would try IVF with PGD and that hopefully things would work out. Everyone had lots of hope.

I ended up only telling a few people about the third miscarriage. I didn't even tell my brothers and their family at the time. I was tired of sharing so much bad news.

People were curious how the treatments were going, but understood we wanted privacy about exactly where we were in a cycle and how things are going. IVF is weird in that people want to know exactly what's going on when. I didn't ask my friends whether or not they had sex the day before while they were ttc, so I didn't want to tell people the details. I just wanted to let them know if it worked or not.

As it started to become evident that IVF with PGD would not be successful for us, things started to become more difficult and awkward. If asked, I would say that things weren't going well.

When IVF was over and it was time to move on to donor sperm, I felt like I had to tell people again. We want to be pretty open about the donor gametes and we wanted the people close to us to know. Again, how do you bring this up? I called up my brother's families and told them again. I didn't get much of a response from them this time. I think they really didn't know what to say. I was a little disappointed at this. I wanted some sort of confirmation that they knew this transition must be a difficult one for us. At this point it was obvious that our situation was really pretty grim in some ways, though since I had been pregnant three times, there was some hope.

I told a couple of more people. Again, I just brought it up out of nowhere. No one says to me, so... how's your reproductive life? Most people just say something like, 'Oh, Rachel. How horrible," and look awkward and want to change the subject.

After all of the failed donor IUIs, I just sort of gave up hiding it, for the most part. Except at work. I want to hide all of this from work as much as possible.

At this point, telling people at a Resolve support group our story is awkward and inspires sidelong glances and the feeling that the are thinking, "Jeez, that can't happen to me, can it?"

Now that we've had another miscarriage, this time with donor sperm, and we're exploring adoption, we have to do another telling. We have to start telling people we're thinking of adopting. We're not quite there yet, and only a couple of people know we are thinking of moving on. I talk much more openly about all of this with people now. I can talk about the ridiculousness of our situation and how little hope I have that anything will work out. I know that deep down inside my hope still lives, but it's almost impossible for me to deal with talking about hope with other people. I guess I feel like other people don't understand how much hope can hurt. I don't want people to tell me to hope.

I like to be free to talk about our troubles and my miscarriages in front of other people. I like to be able to say, "When I was pregnant," and people to not bat an eye. So telling people has been good that way. I have had some disappointment in some people's reactions. But I think that happens with everything that you tell someone else. True empathy is very difficult. People who haven't dealt with loss on our level can't truly understand. They can know it sucks, but they can't quite get it. I find myself wanting to mostly hang out with or read the adoption blogs or people who have had three or more failed IVFs because I feel like we can relate to one another.

The telling is difficult. That's one of the reasons I have this blog. I feel like I can tell anything to this blog. It is a great listener. Unless I think about the commenting, it never disappoints me. I say what I need to say, I tell what I need to tell and it never disappoints. And this way I know everything I say is captured somewhere.

New Things

I started my job. I have three weeks of intensive training which is going well. I have played with our product a bit, so I know a little bit how it works so today the training was a little slow. I did learn a few things, but I'm ready for the pace to pick up a little. But I like the people and I like the atmosphere, so things after the end of day 2 are going pretty well.

I also spoke with my RE. Basically, all my tests came out normal. The miscarriage with donor sperm was a fluke. I think I kind of figured that was the case, but there it is. There aren't any female factor issues in this miscarriage thing. They did find that I have a mutation that means I don't absorb folic acid properly, so I will need to start taking a mega dose of it. It does increase the chances of birth defects, I guess, especially since I'm 35. But otherwise, things are normal.

So I guess I'm cycling again in March. We are going to do a micro-dose Lupr0n IUI. I am both a little excited and dreading it. I am starting the pill again on Friday, and in a couple of weeks I will be injecting again. I guess I'll just have to work something out with my new job. I'm still worried about that, but it is what it is. This is my priority right now.

And there's something else that's bothering me. My new company offers a pre-tax account for adoption (like an FSA for health costs) where you can put in a bunch of money that you are going to use for an adoption. But the thing is, you have to use all of that money within that calendar year, or you lose it. I have to decide how much to put in the account within 30 days of hire. And the thing with domestic adoption is, unless you are working with a flat fee agency, the fee schedule is kind of unpredictable. And we don't even know if we are going to go forward with it at this point -- we still have these treatments. So we don't know if we can utilize this benefit. Being pre-tax is a big savings, especially when you're talking about the large amount of money involved with adoption, but I'm not sure we are going to be able to take advantage of it due to all the uncertainty involved in our situation (and all adoption situations, really). The HR woman announced to the entire new hire class that no one has ever used that benefit. There are now over 300 people in the company. That felt -- I don't know -- it sort of made me feel a little bit like a freak. And on the life insurance form it asked if any of my listed children had been adopted. And I notice these things now because maybe some day I will have to check that box. Why would they want to know that? I'm not sure if the company even realizes the difficulty of using that adoption benefit. I may go talk to the HR woman privately about it, but I'm not sure. It just kind of felt a little bit crappy.

So that's it for now. The house is still wonderfully clean. I've been cleaning the kitchen before going to bed. Trash won't be collected until Saturday morning, so things won't be perfect until this weekend as we have a lot of recycling to bring out and nowhere to put it, but it feels pretty freeing to de-clutter. I recommend it if you can get to it.

a lot

We did a deep, deep clean of our house. It's kind of disconcerting, but it's definitely wonderful.

I start my new job tomorrow. Eeep!

I wrote this long, long explanation of my journey for Mel, and because I spent so much time on it I feel compelled to put it up here. So here it is. I didn't proofread this, so forgive my errors.

And remember, it's long.


We have been down multiple paths in our quest to be parents. I
believe that each step we have taken has been a logical progression,
but each step was agonizing.

We started out charting and having timed intercourse. I got pregnant.
I lost the pregnancies. After losing two pregnancies we were tested
to look for a reason and my husband was diagnosed with a balanced
translocation. The OB that called me with these results told me not
to worry about it too much. There was this really great procedure
called PGD that they could perform along with IVF and she was sure I
would be back seeing her in the summer (the diagnosis was in April)
with my happy and healthy pregnancy. That was two years ago. While I
am sure that news of my husband's translocation was a difficult one to
give, I am extremely resentful of this woman to give me such a happy
prognosis and to give me hope that things would go smoothly for us.
It did not prepare me in any way for the agony that was ahead of us.

I didn't want to do IVF. I hated the idea. Looking back now, that
seems extraordinarily silly, but that's where I was at the time. I
just wanted to make our baby the old fashioned way. We are lucky
enough to live in a mandated state, so while we were applying for
insurance coverage we tried the old fashioned way one more time and
needless to say we got pregnant and had a third miscarriage. I knew
that I would have to move on after our third loss. I was angry and I
was resistant, but I was also impatient and I wanted to do what would
give us the best chance. My husband was loathe to see me go through
another miscarriage. He hated the emotional trauma it caused me. It
hurt him to see me hurt. So IVF with PGD it was.

We did IVF with PGD three times. Even though I was able to get
pregnant pretty easily, I was an extremely poor responder to
medication. Our first IVF only produced 2 eggs. Without a
chromosomal disorder, you can hope for a miracle with 2 eggs that one
or both might fertilize and one or both might be strong and become a
baby. But when a balanced translocation is involved, only
approximately one in 8 fertilized eggs will be healthy after PGD, so
we knew it was hopeless. We went ahead with the PGD anyway and had no
embryo transfer. There was no explanation as to why I responded so
poorly. My FSH wasn't extraordinarily high. No one knew.

I clearly needed a new protocol to get more eggs. I was immediately
put on a poor responder protocol. This went smoothly without
questioning. There are poor responder protocols that work better for
some women. Everybody responds to the medications differently. We
did an antagonist protocol. This time we got 4 eggs. All fertilized,
3 made it to biopsy and none were healthy. We again had no embryo
transfer.

While 4 eggs was better, it clearly wasn't enough. I was ready to not
do IVF anymore. I knew it was futile -- I do not produce enough eggs.
The procedures are incredibly invasive and I didn't think there was a
snowball's chance in hell that this would work for us. My husband was
not ready to give up, though. He felt like it was his only chance at
having a biological child. How could I not give this chance to him?
I was very skeptical, but I had to do this last cycle for my husband.

We decided to go with a different poor responder protocol. This also
went smoothly without questioning. We simply needed more eggs if this
was to work for us. We would try anything at this point. Microdose
Lupron it was. We got 5 eggs. 3 fertilized and made it to biopsy.
One of the biopsied cells had no nucleus so its result was
inconclusive. We got a call in the car as we were driving to the
transfer. We fully expected for this transfer to be cancelled, but
there it was. An undiagnosed embryo. Should we transfer it? My
husband and I talked it over during the 10 minutes left of our drive
to the clinic. This was agony. What do we do? Risk another
miscarriage? But how could we not transfer it? What if that was our
embryo? We discussed things with the doctor once we got there. He
said it was up to us, but he saw no reason not to take the risk. What
if? So after agonizing over the decision and marveling over our bad
luck, we transferred. I didn't get pregnant.

We were out of insurance. We felt IVF was futile. I seemed to get
pregnant easily enough, but my husband's sperm was the X factor. So,
we decided to try donor sperm. We agonized over finding a donor.
Nobody was good enough because nobody was my husband. We knew we had
to choose whether personality or looks were more important. We
decided on personality. My husband wanted a computer geek donor
because my husband is a computer geek. We found a few. We read. We
discussed. We disagreed. We slept on it. We only found a couple of
appropriate donors. We whittled it down to a few. We chose. We
slept on it again. I woke up crying -- this was not the right donor
for us. I had a bad feeling about him. I didn't want to use him. My
husband said it was okay, that we didn't need to choose that donor.
We didn't know how we could find a new one because it had been nearly
impossible to find the one I decided I didn't like.

We started our search again. We expanded our criteria a little. We
found someone else. He fit. He was on the skinny side, but otherwise
he fit. We decided. I didn't cry. We slept on it. We ordered 4
vials.

We did 4 IUIs. The first one was natural. The second through fourth
we used Clomid and a trigger shot. We didn't want to risk the timing.
Donor sperm is expensive. Luckily insurance paid for the IUIs. I
didn't get pregnant.

I wasn't getting pregnant now. We thought it might be the donor. We
decided to switch donors on both our decision and our RE's advice. We
thought it would be smart. This wasn't a hard decision. Finding a
new donor was much easier this time around. I guess we were used to
the idea that the donor wasn't my husband and we were more open to
certain differences. We still needed to find a geeky guy who was good
at math. It would be nice to find someone who was a big guy like my
husband is. But we were okay with other differences. So we chose and
it was easier. We bought 4 vials again.

Our 5th IUI with Clomid and a trigger shot worked. I had taken an hpt
and it was negative on day 13, so I was sure it would be a negative.
My beta was 13. I was shocked. Second beta was 88. It more than
doubled. Third beta was 168. Not looking good. Fourth beta was 144.
It was time for my fourth miscarriage.

Now that the translocation factor had been removed, we were afraid
that there might be a female factor reason for this miscarriage. We
knew it just could be because miscarriages happen and it could be bad
luck. I'm 35. Miscarriages happen in women 35 and over pretty
frequently. But I demanded more testing and my RE agreed. We need to
make sure there's nothing going on on my end. I had the testing done
and I will get the results this week.

We are tired. We feel like we have tried everything without success.
We want to be parents. We want this whole thing to be over. I am
tired of cycling. I am just tired. We needed to start thinking about
adoption. Since my husband let go of his genetic connection a year
ago, this was not difficult for him. It was slightly more difficult
for me. I feel a little bit like it's less the genetic connection and
more about never being pregnant long enough to have a child. And I'm
afraid of not being able to choose the biology. At least with donor
gametes you get to choose the biology on some level. But I don't want
to cycle. I want a sure thing, and that's what adoption is.

We went to seminars. We are adjusting to the idea. We think we will
utilize adoption to grow our family. It is a difficult decision, but
it is one we feel is inevitable. We are still adjusting to this idea.
We are still working through this decision. But we know we will move
forward with it.

We own three more vials of donor sperm. They cost us about $1500. If
my testing comes back normal, we will use them. We may use
injectables again for a couple of cycles if our RE thinks it's
appropriate. Since I got pregnant with the Clomid last time around,
I'm not sure right now. We will consider doing IVF one more time with
donor sperm. We are unsure whether we want to do this or not. We are
still deciding. Yes, we are tired, but we need to make sure we have
done everything we can. We do not want to leave any 'what if's'
behind. We need to do everything we can.

We are still in an unstable place with these final decisions, but we
know we have no choice. Even though the choices are limitless, it
feels like the next step is prescribed. But we are close to getting
off this train and to enter an entirely new one.

The worst part of leaving ART behind and entering the adoption
rollercoaster is that you don't really get new relief. It can still
be years before you get a baby. You just leave one form of torture to
endure another.

But what can we do? We want to be parents.

Feeling down today

Today sucks. It snowed a little last night, and now it's pouring rain which leaves about an inch of slush in standing water on the sidewalks. It's cloudy and dark.

I made shortbread cookies, but I ate so many I'm starting to feel a little ill.

I'm feeling sad. Yesterday T and I kind of didn't get along, and that never happens. And today I'm just feeling sad about IF stuff. I'm sad that this has been so hard. I'm sad that we've had so many losses. I'm sad that we won't know anything about 50% to 100% of our child's genes. I'm sad that our child may possibly have had poor prenatal care and drugs or some other substance(s) that I never would have exposed myself to while it was in-utero.

Sometimes I wish I could live child free. I wish I didn't have this strong, compelling need to raise children. I wish I could just do the "if it happens it happens and if it doesn't it doesn't" attitude. I wish I could just let all of this crap go and just live with the cards we were dealt and just move forward.

But I know that I can't do that. I know that I will regret living child free. I have a lot of regrets in my life, and few of them are for doing something I shouldn't have. They are mostly made up of things I never did. And I know that this would be my biggest regret if I didn't do it.

I am just tired of all the hurt and all of the sadness and all of the ups and downs. I just want to live my life and in the space that we are in right now, I just don't feel like that's possible. There's too much going on (while nothing is going on, as I mentioned yesterday.)

I guess I just feel tired. I am so, so tired.

So many things, so little time

Our friend S came over the weekend and we started a deep clean. Yesterday morning we gave about 5 boxes and 4 bags of clothes and stuff to the Vietnam Veterans of America. They pick up. We got rid of lots of old paper and cleaned up bunches of clutter. It was good. We still have a ways to go, but we made definite improvements. I'm hoping to get some more done this week while I'm home, but I'm again finding it difficult to motivate by myself. But I'm really going to try.

We had a meeting with a social worker at an adoption agency. We got an application and can start filling it out at any time. We can start our home study before we stop our attempts at getting pregnant. I have asked people out there how difficult it is to do that, and the replies have all been, "Very difficult." So, I'm not sure we'll be able to do it, but we may try. We aren't deciding anything, though, until I talk to the doctor in a week. We need to know the results of my tests before we decide on our next step.

I saw my therapist yesterday and she said that we are in one of the most difficult times in our journey. We are finishing up treatments and realizing that they most likely aren't going to work. We're doing emotional work to start the adoption process. We are just starting that process and there is a lot ahead of us. We are at a place where we are not seeing any benefits and only liabilities. It is a crap place to be.

T and I don't argue or bicker very often. At least, not when it's not in a playful way. But we had a small argument this morning and it's getting me down. It was over coffee. I didn't make any for him this morning and he got upset. He says that the coffee I make is much, much better than the coffee he makes. I tell him what the beans to water ratio should be, so I think it's in his head. But I've been making coffee for him while I haven't been working and he was disappointed that I didn't this morning. But I say he can't be mad at me for not making coffee because he's not broken and can make it for himself. He says that he's mad that I keep changing the rules and doesn't know whether I will make it or not. But neither do I. I didn't want coffee this morning, so I didn't make it. It's that simple.

He did apologize, but I know he still feels disappointed. I'm trying to not feel bad because he feels disappointed. He should be able to make his own coffee.

I know that this is petty and stupid and if this is the only kind of argument that we have then we are in a very good place. I agree with that. I know it's true. I just don't like arguing.

I guess this just reinforces the fact that it's really time for me to go back to work.

I feel like there is so much going on while at the same time there is nothing going on. It's making me a little batty. I want to feel like I'm making progress, and I'm not sure that I am. We want to meet a couple of more social workers from different adoption agencies, but with my new job I can't take any time off from my training for three weeks and I'm not sure of the flexibility after that, so it's on hold for at least a month. I'm really nervous about the lack of flexibility with the new job (I know I've mentioned that) and I just think I'm going to have to tell a supervisor what's going on with me and I just want to keep things quiet for a while.

I'm sick of everything being so damn complicated.

S and her husband are coming this weekend to help finish cleaning up, so that's good. It really does feel refreshing to de-clutter the house. Perhaps now we can hire someone to come once or twice a month to do the cleaning that I just never get around to. And we can keep our house clean.

Oprah

I am going to blog about the Oprah show today where they discuss donor conceived children.

The pediatrician at the beginning of the show had a really good attitude about sperm donation. The second donor, not quite so much. He is enjoying playing "father" to his "children." But he's not horrible.

The donor conceived children's stories were.... mostly unhappy. It seemed like they were either children of SMCs or from a long time ago when donation wasn't open. In my opinion, these children are the ones most likely to feel angry about their conceptions.

I see another donor who has the good attitude. I will talk if a donor conceived child if he or she wants, but I'm not going to force myself on a child.

One dc woman does have a dad. She calls her donor Dad and her father Dad. She thinks of herself as having two fathers. This is making me feel pretty ambivalent.

Granted the reasons for conception are different, but I imagine an adopted child would feel similarly about his or her biological parents. I understand the curiosity and the need to meet the donor. I believe in open donors. Our current donor isn't open, but isn't open for the right reason. And has a family member that is donor conceived and I think if we express an interest down the road, I think he would understand.

The pediatrician's wife is also a pediatrician. I like them. They're good. They understand the idea of donor conception well. They don't over condemn, and they don't idealize.

This part is about donor siblings meeting. They are both only children of SMCs. I totally understand these people and why they have a need to meet each other.

So the siblings are talking about a void in their lives being conceived this way. That she, as an only child, was amazed at being able to look into someone else's face and see herself. Well, we have lost this, too. And donor sperm is how we are trying to allow ourselves to have a child, even if that child can't see himself in my husbands face, or we can't see my husband's face in our children.

All I want to say is, the hurt goes both ways, folks.

The pediatrician talked about regulation of the industry. It needs to be regulated better. No argument from me. He also talked about being paid for donation -- how blood donors are not paid (Is that 100% true? They used to get paid.) so why should sperm donors. This is something I think about, too. And I know that other countries do not allow payment for donating gametes. It's a valid point to bring up, though I am not expressing an opinion about that one.

Why were all the dc children women, except for the male reunion sibling? And why aren't egg donors discussed?

They leave with info about the DSR.

All and all, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. The choice of dc people was not quite as diverse as I would have hoped. It would have been nice if they had an adult who, while certainly curious about the donor, doesn't think of the donor as a father and thinks of his or her FATHER as his or her father. I know they exist. I have emailed a couple of them. I have a friend who was donor conceived and didn't find out until she was an adult who feels that way.

But all and all, it could definitely have been worse.

February cleaning

We have an appointment at an adoption agency on Monday morning for an initial visit.

I have finished my penicillin, but unfortunately my throat still hurts. I had been coughing a lot, but I had a pretty good sleep last night without too much coughing. The good sleep felt really good. The only issue is I got up to pee at about 3 and I couldn't go to sleep for a while and the theme song to H@nnah Montan@ was going through my head. Don't ask why I know the theme to H@nnah Montan@ -- it's something about being a former middle school teacher and being very interested in popular culture -- but needless to say it is a sign that I really need to start my new job. Aaaanyway, I'm just concerned because my throat really, really hurt again last night. Swallowing was not fun. I can't see any white patches in my throat; it is simply red down there. And the pain is further down in my throat than before. Should I go back to the doctor?

I'm still feeling pretty calm, though I was feeling a little bit sad yesterday. I spent some time with E and little S yesterday, and that is always slightly dangerous, especially with that ultrasound picture they have that is up on their refrigerator. That thing just kills me. S was a little cranky, and we went to a restaurant and he did a lot of screaming. He is really exhausting poor E, and her hubby doesn't quite appreciate the energy she spends chasing him around. But he did fall asleep on the way back, and that was nice. I helped E plan to redecorate her living room, and we moved some furniture around.

Now I await the arrival of S to help us clean the house. I hope I feel well enough to get a lot done. But I need to do a bunch of cleaning to prepare for more cleaning. Ironic, eh? I hope we're able to get rid of a lot of shit. I brought some packing peanuts to a store yesterday, and someone came to pick up our broken exercise bike the other day. Getting rid of stuff is good.

Less clutter is better!

Calm

I'm feeling a little better still. I still have a bit of a cough, but I'm definitely doing better.

I'm also enjoying my new found peace. I don't know how it came about so all-of-the-sudden, but I just feel different. I feel calm. I don't feel desperate. I just sort of feel okay with whatever the future brings.

Maybe it's the time off from cycling?

Maybe it is. Part of me wants to just stop cycling all together and do the adoption thing. Now. I have emailed the social worker from the agency that we think we are going to use and asked if there was a policy about treatment and starting the adoption process.

But I know we should do those final few cycles. I don't want to ever look back and think, "What if?" But I also want to start the home study. If any of those cycles worked, we'd put the adoption process on hold.

Oh, and the social worker that we liked from the agency we liked is the same social worker that did my therapist's adoptions. How crazy is that?!?

I just sort of feel like a different person. I didn't care that the Pats lost. I mean, I was disappointed, but I just felt like, "Whatever. It's only a game." And I got my hair cut today -- chopped, kind of. What do you think?


You can see my messy living room. I've been living on that couch all week because I've been so sick. Got bunches of knitting done. Speaking of which, here are the things I made my nieces. L is on the left and E is on the right. I just can't get over how grown up they are. L is going to be 11 this month.


Speaking of L, have I mentioned how incredibly talented she is? Check this out. She painted this.


Yes, really. She did. And yes, really. She's not even 11 yet. It's a friend of the family's dog, Buster. Words cannot explain how proud of her I am. She's done at least 4 pictures that are this good and they all have totally blown us away. She sketched my parents for my mom's 70th and it is perfect. I can't tell you how much it looks just like them. Incredible.

Okay, enough bragging.

In the meantime, it's election day. We're going to make pizza and watch the results on tv. T is a politics junkie.

I start my job two weeks from today. I can't wait. It's weird to me to feel this content, but I will enjoy it for now. We'll never know how long it will last. But for now, it feels pretty good.

More adoption info

Today, T and I went to an all day adoption seminar. The first part was about taking the step to decide to adopt. There were two adoptive moms and a social worker from an adoption agency. Actually, it was one of the social workers that was at the other adoption seminar we went to a couple of weeks ago.

The second part was about domestic adoption. There were three social workers from different agencies, each of which goes about adoptions in a different way. We talked about the home study and birthmoms and family.

Then there was the international adoption section. This was more boring and completely validated our decision to go with domestic. That is absolutely the right decision for us.

Then a panel of adoptive moms just talked about their journeys to their children.

It was wonderful. It really took a lot of the scariness out of this process for me. It also made T feel a little bit better about openness.

I know it was just one day, but I was talking to my mom and she asked me about the costs involved, and I heard myself saying that yes, it usually costs somewhere around $30,000, but with T's $5,000 adoption benefit through work and the $10,000 tax deduction, it ends up not being too bad. I mean, yes it's a lot of money, but T and I are lucky that we can find ways to finance the costs. I was shocked that I said this. I must be losing a little bit of my anger.

It must have been those moms talking about how they knew they found the child for them. Each of them said this in their own ways. Each of their stories resonated with each other. Each of them spoke with such love of their children. And I think there were 8 of them right there.

I know we are not done with our fertility treatments yet. We have no idea what my test results will say. No matter what the results of the tests are, the treatments may not work. They may work. We don't know. We still want to do injectables or whatever my RE recommends after the testing as well as one IVF with my eggs if necessary before we move on. I ams starting to accept the moving on part a little bit more. We do hope the treatments work. But even if it does, I do foresee us most likely adopting our second. And I really think I'm starting to be okay with that.

At least today. The adoptive moms said it is a roller coaster, not unlike IF, but once you start feeling better about it, it starts to keep feeling more and more right.

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As a health update, my throat is mostly better, but I definitely caught some sort of virus too, and now I have a respiratory thing. I cough a lot at night and have trouble sleeping. I feel better, but I also still feel a little bit like crap, especially at night. And now T says his throat is getting sore. Great.

Tomorrow is the Superb0wl. Go Pats! 19-0!

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My deepest condolences to Mary Ellen and Steve for losing their three little girls, Sylvia, Claire and Lucy. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling now. My thoughts are with you. I also hope Mary Ellen recovers well.

Thoughts on adoption

I've been thinking to myself that if a newborn (or a birthmom) were presented to us, we'd say, "Absolutely!" without hesitation.

But on a bboard, I just saw someone post that she knows a birthmom who wants to find a family. My heart skipped a beat. Would we be open to this idea?

Turns out, the birth parents are mixed-race, and they want a mixed-race family. Clearly T and I do not fit that bill. It's not the situation for us.

But it got me thinking about a baby. I do want a baby. I do want a baby right now. But am I ready to adopt -- to say yes to an adopted baby right now? I don't know. I think I'm still attached to some sort of ART working. Even donor egg with donor sperm makes me feel less scared than adoption right now.

I feel so confused. I want to be able to let go, but I can't yet. We are going to an all day adoption seminar on Saturday. (Ironically, we'll have to miss my cousin's baby's bris because of this. This is the second cousin baby in about a month.) But something about adoption doesn't sit well with me. This is so weird because my niece L is so great and that adoption has worked so well so far at age 11. Why can't I shake my scared feelings?

I know a bunch of successful adoption stories that last until adulthood. But I also know scary adoption stories of children no longer talking to their parents. I don't want that. But then again, I know fully biological children that as adults don't really talk to their parents.

The thing is, I feel like the not talking thing is different for the biological families than for the adoptive families. Maybe that's me throwing my baggage onto it, but that's what I feel like. Of course, thinking on it, it's not 100% true. Mental illness is probably the #1 reason for the not talking thing. I can think of 2 mental illness not talking situations off the top of my head. One of them is an adoptive child and one of them is a biological one. I know that adoption agencies try their best to screen for a family history of mental illness. And honestly, I'm not sure if we know whether or not our donor has a family history of mental illness. We don't think so, but do we know for sure? Another not talking situation is just because the son, now an adult, just didn't quite keep up with his sister (biological to the parents) and the parents (both professors). I get the feeling that he didn't feel like he fit in, especially intellectually. That's the one that really scares me. I'm afraid of our kid not fitting in with T and me.

I know there is nothing certain in the world. Anything can go wrong in any situation. Things can go wrong, biology or no biology. So why am I so uncomfortable with this whole adoption thing? Why? I don't want to be anymore.

Maybe it's because I got pregnant with donor #2 and I know we have 3 more vials left. Maybe it's because I know there's a chance that I could get pregnant, and with that chance right there, I can't mentally move on yet. Maybe it's because T and I decided we would definitely do IVF one more time with my eggs and donor sperm (with insurance coverage) before moving on.

I want to be able to process more than one thing at a time, but I'm not sure I can.

We also want to think about donor eggs and donor sperm if I don't get pregnant with my eggs. Both T and I thought we we would never think about that route, but we're finding out that our feelings are changing. At least we feel like we can have a little input on our child's biology with donor gametes.

Of course, we need the results of my tests first. If there's nothing wrong with my eggs, then donor eggs won't solve our problem.

I guess I just want all the answers instantly, and that's not possible. Writing this down made me smile a little. T tells me that I am extremely impatient, and I know it's true. Well, infertility sure forces patience on a person.

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In other news, the penicillin is definitely helping as my throat feels much better, but I'm still not feeling really well. Perhaps I caught a virus along with the evil throat thing. I haven't been this sick in a long, long time. Happily, though, I am slowly recovering.

The world is out to get me

I hate feeling like the world is out to get me, but that's how I feel most of the time. I just found out that we aren't covered for my current RE under T's insurance. At all. We're going to have to pay for my SIS yesterday out of pocket.

We were told that the new insurance didn't have a contract with our insurance, but the second time we asked we were told it was fine. So we thought it was fine.

I am getting new insurance in three weeks with my new job. If I knew I wouldn't be covered I would have waited.

Now, it's not so much the cost that pisses me off. I mean, it's $500 that could be saved for something else, but that's not the real point here. It's just that feeling that no matter how mundane something is, it just never works for us. Something always fucks up.

I know that I am super lucky to have T. I do truly appreciate him and that we were able to find each other. That is one thing that is not fucked up and makes sense and the one thing I know is right. And we're lucky that way.

But I just feel like when it comes to everything else we are constantly getting screwed.

More tests

I had my SIS today. My uterus looks normal. The doc also looked at my ovaries and I had like 15 or 18 antral follicles, which means my fertility is fine. He has no idea why I don't respond to medication. He says that he has had other patients who seem to have normal fertility and do not respond to gonadotropins, but it is pretty rare.

I also had a butt-load of blood taken. They're doing the clotting panels and an insulin thingy, and a bunch of other things that I don't know what they are. It takes a couple of weeks for the results to come back, so I'll have a phone call with the good doctor on Feb 20 to discuss all of the results.

The test wasn't too bad except how weird it felt for the saline to slowly drip out of my uterus. That was a really weird sensation.

In other news, I'm on penicillin because I think I have strep. I went to my PCP today and the NP looked at my throat and was horrified. She swabbed me and gave me a prescription. My throat, meanwhile, feels like knives cutting my throat every time I swallow. I feel like hell in general, but sleeping is difficult with the swallowing problem. Hopefully the penicillin will work quickly.

I'm also just so ready for my job to start.

Starting Over

My hcg today was 4, which is low enough to be considered negative. I am to start bcps today. On Monday I am to have the SIS and a bunch of blood tests. I'm not sure whether I want everything to be normal with these tests or if I want there to be a diagnosis so that we have a plan for the next time I get pregnant which will help make it stick. I guess either way I still have a few more cycles ahead of me.

The adoption seminar was quite informative. I am still not mentally ready to proceed with adoption, but I can tell it is the right thing for me to learn more about it. The longer I sit with it, the more ready I will be to follow that route.

The scariest part of actual adoption, especially for T, is openness. Birth parents often want some sort of communication with a child. Now, meeting with a birth mother (and father) before a baby is born and a match is made makes a lot of sense. I can see how that would be comforting when choosing a match. It could make things feel right -- or to know they are wrong. T and I both like that idea. But T is terrified of face to face visits after birth. He is afraid of 'sharing' our baby and scared to have an adult suddenly become a part of our lives.

I can't say that I'm enamored with the idea, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately and depending on the situation, I think I could live with some type of openness. Thinking about being an adoptee or a birth parent, I can understand needing some sort of knowledge of my biological family. I mean, I don't think I could meet face to face several times a year, but I do think I could do regular written communication and some sort of sporadic face to face meet.

It's amazing to me how different adoption feels than donor gametes. With DI, we have chosen the specific donor and we have chosen to bring the child into the world. Adoption is just feels so different to me. I'm feeling all of the anger and frustration that I felt with the donor sperm all over again. Only more so.

T says he doesn't feel angry anymore. He felt angry for a long time, but he mostly just feels sad.

I wish I knew how to let go of my anger. I think I can live with a lack of biological connection. I even think I could live without ever staying pregnant long enough to give birth, though I think I will always be sad about that one. But I just can't stop being angry about how much time, effort and money we've had to put in to creating our family. I can't stop being angry about all of the loss we've had to go through. I am still really pissed that after more than two years and four miscarriages, once we decide to adopt we will have to fork over tons of money and then wait up to two more years in order to have a baby. I am just so furious about this. I've waited. I've done my time. I've suffered my losses. How can I be patient waiting for a match? I just don't know how to do that part.

Thoughts on yarn, food and adoption

Why do M&Ms of non-traditional colors seem to taste better than traditionally colored M&Ms? We bought weird colored M&Ms in Vegas and I just love them. Well, loved them as now they are all gone. Goodbye teal and maroon chocolate candies.

The hat I made my niece is apparently very fashionable and all the 5th graders want to know where she got it. Who knew I could be a hip tween designer?

I bought two more skeins of yarn today because my nephew wants a hat and another one of my nieces wants a hat like L's. I'm knitting up a storm.

Read this article (referred by Sarah) about eating and fertility. I've been thinking about changing our diet a lot lately, and I'm trying to be inspired by the article. Now, I don't seem to have ovulatory problems. I'm not even sure I have poor quality eggs, though perhaps I do. But I figure, if eating less animal protein, more milk fat and higher quality carbs will help with ovulation issues, then I will just try it and see if it helps with egg quality, too. Or I just might see if it helps me be more healthy in general. I was thinking of going with the reduced simple carbohydrates and more complex carbohydrates route anyway, and this seems like a similar idea. Combined with exercise and increased water consumption, maybe I (and T) can shed a few pounds. If anybody can glean more about eating habits from this article, please send them my way. I sort of only skimmed it.

I walked a little today. Yesterday I used the elliptical.

Tonight we are going to a domestic infant adoption seminar given by ACONE. I think I just need as much time as I can possibly get to digest this whole adoption thing. When we first started doing the donor thing I was absolutely certain that I would get and stay pregnant successfully, but I am getting further and further from believing that anymore. And even if I do manage to stay pregnant one time, I just find it so hard to believe that I would be able to do it again in a few years from now. I just think it's nearly impossible that we will not end up adopting at least one child at some point in time.

Though I don't think I can mentally cope with doing infertility treatment and adoption at the same time, I think it's important to start thinking about all of the adoption paperwork and the process so that when we are ready, we will know what we are getting into. Each of these processes are exhausting, so I want to give myself enough time to be able to process each of these huge decisions we are about to make. Ending treatments is a huge decision. Adoption is also a huge decision. There's just so much to wrap our heads around.

I've also been thinking a lot more about not choosing interracial adoption. I know I've mentioned before that the fact that I don't want to do an interracial adoption makes me feel racist. There was a piece on This American Life this weekend (on the Matchmaker episode) about a woman who is hired as an actress to work in this realistic doll department at FAO Schwartz. She acts as a nurse who gets the little girls to 'adopt' these very realistic baby dolls. They sign 'adoption papers' and pay an 'adoption fee' in order to bring the dolls home. She is not allowed to break the illusion of this being an adoption process. They have a sample doll that they are supposed to tend to when there are no customers around. This doll is white, but it is a sample because its head is too heavy and its fingers are webbed and it is just an irregular doll. They called him Nubbins. Well, people came in and 'adopted' all of the white babies first. Then there were only dolls of color and Nubbins. Little girls would come and play with the dolls of color and the mothers would ask if there were dolls that "looked more like Sally does," obviously asking if there were any white dolls. When this woman said no, some left and some did buy dolls of color. The Asian babies went first. The Latino babies went next. Finally, all that were left were Nubbins and the Black babies. This one mother and her daughter came in for a doll, and the mother not even trying to be subtle asks where are the white babies. The woman says there are none. The mother asks about Nubbins. The woman shows the mother Nubbins and his head flops weirdly and his webbed hands do odd things, and the mother wants Nubbins anyway. So, Nubbins, the defective white doll, was adopted before the Black babies were adopted.

I feel like one of those mothers. It makes me feel awful. It makes me feel like a bad person. I think that story is terrible, and I feel like I am one of them.

But dolls aren't children. Dolls don't learn. Dolls don't have feelings. Dolls don't need to learn how to live in a racist world. Dolls don't understand that they don't look like their parents. Dolls are inanimate objects. Children are not.

And then I get angry at myself. Infertility sucks. Knowing that you may never, ever stay pregnant long enough to have a baby sucks. Knowing that you may have to decide to stop trying to have a baby sucks. Knowing that you have to go through this huge process and pay tens of thousands of dollars to be able to have a family sucks. It is a painful process. It is wrought with emotional trauma. And I'm making myself feel bad because I don't want my child to have to ask me why he or she has different skin color than mommy and daddy. I'm making myself feel bad because I just want to have my family find some way to be "average," whatever that is.

I feel like that we will have enough to deal with, whether it be educating our child about adoption, navigating T's and my differing views on religion, or having a donor conceived child. I don't want to add an additional layer of seeking out a place in another culture for our child so that he or she doesn't feel alienated? And I've just read so many stories of these children being caught in the middle. Too white to identify with whatever their ethnicity is and too ethnic to be white. I just don't feel equipped to handle that in addition to everything else. I admire those who are able to do that. It is a wonderful thing if you can do it. I just don't think I can. My energy has been spent getting to where I am now.

I just can't stop feeling bad about it, though.

Not low enough

My hcg yesterday was 12.5, so I'm going to have to go in again. It was so close. I was expecting to have to go in again, but I really thought the number would be in the 20s or so -- not this low. So, it is a slight pain to have to go in again, but I'm confident that I will be near or at 0 by next Friday.

Today we are having a big family get together. We are honoring the memory of one of my Nanas -- my father's mother -- by making her special cookies and blintzes. My brother is going to make ribs in his new smoker and we will watch football. My parents are leaving for FL for two months and this will be our last get together before they go. My mom will turn 70 in March, but will still be in FL on her birthday. We were hoping to go down and visit them in FL, but with my new job it looks like it's not going to happen. I'm a little disappointed, but it's definitely better for me to have a job.

T has a cold so he is snoring like a madman. I use earplugs to block out his snoring, but his cold makes it so bad that it wakes me up even with the earplugs in. Not good.

Back

I'm back from Vegas. It was so nice to get away, and I enjoyed that city more than I thought that I would. I even gambled a little. So did T. Of course we lost, but not too much, so we can just write off the loss as 'entertainment.' We saw two shows, Le Reve and David Copperfield. The former was just incredible -- it's amazing what humans can do with their bodies, and the latter was impressive, if not what I was expecting. David Copperfield was geeky and self-deprecating where I expected him to be over-serious and egotistic. It's like he was aware of his reputation as taking himself too seriously and decided to make fun of himself. He reminded us of Bob Saget (but less dirty -- which if you didn't know he was dirty you should check out his HBO special or The Aristocrats). We had a really great time and it felt so good to just get away and relax and not think about things. Oh, and the two best things were the Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay and the Star Trek Experience at the Hilton. I am such a geek!

I bled pretty much the whole time, but the worst of it was over before I left. I was supposed to have a blood test this morning, but it snowed while we were away and we had to dig out the driveway this morning and I didn't make it, so I'll have to go tomorrow. I spoke to my RE while I was away, and we both agreed that we need to do extensive testing to make sure there are no female factor issues. We know my chromosomes are okay, but we haven't done a blood clotting test and he wants to do a hysterosonogram (the thing with the saline and the ultrasound) which is apparently more detailed than the HSG I've already had. He also wants to take other bloods for other tests that I don't remember because he wants to be exhaustive. So, I will have additional testing done once my pregnancy test comes back negative. And I will start the pill right away once I get the negative test, too.

I was only really sad once during the trip. T's boss, the former owner of the company (which basically means he's loaded) talked about how he had won a goodly amount of money gambling and since his wife was home with their baby that he felt obligated to go buy them presents. Then I went to find T to hear that he just lost a bunch of money at the blackjack table. This just made me feel so completely unlucky that I couldn't take it any more. I hid among the slot machines and just lost it. I tried to make myself feel better by thinking how lucky I am to have a wonderful husband such as T and that he could lose a little bit of money at the blackjack table and that it wouldn't affect us adversely, but it just didn't work. I just felt robbed of any sort of luck when the boss (and the other trillion people in the office who are pregnant or just had babies) had what they had. But we went off to a little party and I eventually felt a little better. Plus I bought some funny colored M&Ms.

The bleeding has really slowed, so I'm hopeful that the blood test tomorrow will come back negative. It's impossible to know, though. It may take another week or so, and I am prepared for that. I am sorry to return to some really sad news in the blog world. I am thinking off all of you in these difficult times.

Oh, and what's up with Las Vegas being a family destination? I saw so many babies and toddlers while we were there. I just don't understand! What are these people exposing these children to? I'll tell you what -- porn, gambling and excessive drinking. Oh, and cigarette smoke. No one under age 21 should even be allowed to go near the strip. Not in my world anyway.

Wow, good things can happen

I got a job offer yesterday. Though I was expecting it, I'm still kind of floored; I always expect things to not work out for me. I am accepting. The commute isn't the best, and the job itself is just doing technical support, but it is a growing tech company with plenty of room for advancement. I am of course terrified that I am making the wrong decision because the position itself isn't that exciting and my last two jobs, which were both completely horrible, I had some hesitations. But I don't have hesitations about the company itself, which is good, and the position is a good one for learning their product back and forth. Plus I get my old insurance back, which means I'll be covered for IVF again. Since I will be answering calls, it's a pretty strict schedule and I'm not sure how they cope with doctors' appointments, I'm not sure how easy it will be to make my myriad appointments. But the RE clinic is in the same town as my new office, so I'm sure I can mostly figure it out -- at least for the next 6 months or so. And we won't be doing IVF sooner than 6 months, if we do it at all.

We are leaving for Las Vegas before 7am tomorrow morning. I hope that it is a good get away. I am looking forward to just being away from home and from Boston for a while. We are going with people from T's work and I get along with them really well, so it should be a good time, as long as people don't constantly talk about their new babies. I probably won't post until I get back.

My next blood test is a week from today and I am still bleeding.

Go Pats! (I know most people hate them and want them to lose, but I'm a native New Englander! 19-0!)

still fake pregnant

My hcg today was 90. Going in the right direction (well, under the circumstances) but not as low as I was hoping. Still bleeding. I have to go in a week from Friday for another blood test.

I sent off for some adoption information. We're going to a Domestic Infant Adoption information meeting on Jan 23rd so we can understand more about the process and start thinking about an agency. I guess I need to feel like I'm moving forward in some way.

The biggest bummer about moving on to adoption is that when you decide to jump off the ART roller coaster, you don't just get to go to a peaceful place. You simply jump on to another roller coaster: Home Inspections, paperwork, profile, waiting to get chosen. I don't want to be on any roller coaster any more. I want to go to a peaceful place. But I guess a peaceful place will never exist for me. If I do get pg again, I'm sure I'll be pretty paranoid, though in an ideal world the second trimester should be a pretty peaceful time. If I don't get pregnant, we'll be on an adoption roller coaster until we get a referral, then there's all the other waiting for all the legal forms to be signed and for custody and finalization, plus follow up visits. And lord knows having an infant isn't peaceful (though in a much better way than having multiple miscarriages isn't peaceful). The whole process is so huge, crazy, overwhelming and expensive. I look at the literature and I freak. I can't absorb it all.

I have been feeling slightly less down lately, though. Slightly. My boobs definitely hurt less. I spent the day with my parents today. Still haven't heard about that job.

Vegas is coming up very soon, and I am starting to look forward to getting out of the house and just being somewhere else. We should have a pretty good time despite all of this shit.

more fun with a miscarriage

Still bleeding. Last night was a particularly crampy one. Not fun. Took some ibuprophen and sat with the heating pad. Then I went to sleep. I feel much better this morning. B00bs don't really hurt any more. All of this points toward a pretty low number tomorrow, so that's good. After my blood test I'm going to spend the day with my parents. They are leaving for Florida in a couple of weeks, so they're happy I'm going to stop by.

I have therapy today. I guess that's a good thing. There is a RESOLVE support group tonight that I sort of feel like going to, but also don't. I mean, I'd like to go to a support group, but that one is usually full of newbies, and I just don't feel like being the veteran bitter person in a group of wide-eyed hopeful newbies. I don't want to receive that, "Oh my god, that is so awful I'm terrified of her bad luck," look from people. I wish there were a veterans group. There is an occasional miscarriage support group, but I think the same issue would exist there.

We're also looking into finally going to some adoption information seminars. We need to get more information on how it works. Luckily my therapist knows a lot about that, too. So, we shall see.

Still feeling lame and self pity-ing. I hate this person I have become in some ways, but I just don't feel ready to pull myself out of it. I need to wallow a little bit longer. Somehow I will find a way to be strong again, but I guess I'm just not ready yet.

Here

I've been feeling pretty down lately. The bleeding started, but it seems kind of light, so I'm worried it isn't enough. I have another blood draw on Wednesday, so I'll know more then. I am just worried that it's going to take months for my hcg levels to go down below 5. I know I said that I sort of needed a break from all this ttc stuff, but this isn't how I pictured that break. I'll see how the bleeding goes over the next couple of days.

I'm starting to really think about adoption a lot. I am very close to saying FUCK THIS to the ART roller coaster and just sucking it up and going in to debt to do domestic adoption. I can't get past the infant thing -- I still want a newborn baby. And I still have mixed feelings about interracial adoption. I don't think interracial adoption is wrong. I definitely think it is a great thing for people who want it. I'm just not sure that's what I (or we) want. Between having interfaith parents and being adopted, how many more layers of complication can I handle layering on our child? I haven't completely ruled it out, but I still think I want a baby where, when we walk down the street, people won't necessarily know our family history without ever speaking to us. Sometimes I feel that's selfish, but I guess having a baby at all is selfish, so I am entitled to a last vestige of selfishness in what has turned into a long, horrible and painful process.

I had a really great job interview on Thursday. The job itself isn't that exciting, but it is a great company that is growing rapidly, and they do a lot of promotion from within starting in the department where I would work. The woman in HR gave me very positive vibes. I would have our old heath insurance again starting on my first day of work, so I think if I'm offered this job I will take it. It is a job that involves telephone support, so I am a bit worried about doctors appointments, etc, but I really need a job and I really need insurance, so I can't picture myself turning it down. They also have some sort of adoption benefit, though I'm not exactly sure of the details.

Tonight I am hanging out with E for a girls' night out. She's leaving baby S home with R. We went to their house for New Years and it was fine, but I'm really having a difficult time doing anything but feel sorry for myself lately, so I hope I don't act like an ass. I am thinking about Samantha's resolution to act with grace and poise this year. I admire her courage to do so. Maybe soon I can be in a place where I can try to do that, but right now I'm kind of wallowing in the depths of my own hell.

Nothing to do

My hcg levels are too low for misoprostol or a D&C so there's nothing I can do but wait.

Update:
I think I'm starting to spot! I never thought this would be uplifting, but I think things may be starting soon. Please, please please.

It went up

My hcg level this time was 144. It went up a little. No wonder my b00bs still hurt. This just sucks. I asked the nurse to ask the doctor if there was anything we could do to speed this along. I want this miscarriage to be over by the time I get to Las Vegas.

I'm feeling pretty empty. Usually I find solace in my knitting, but it doesn't seem to be doing much for me right now. I mean, I enjoy it and I keep making things, but I just don't feel fulfilled. I just feel like there is an empty pit in the middle of my body.

Maybe part of the reason is because I'm not working. I may have a job starting next Monday, but they have to see if they can make it so that it's not a problem that I'm not coming in the week we're going to Vegas. I do hope the job works out, though. I'm nervous about working full time again, but I think it's better to be busy and to have somewhere to go where I'm doing things than it is to make myself busy at home. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty I could do while I'm at home, but my motivation is pretty limited. And though I take care of some things, I'm not doing all I could do. I just find it really hard to reach inside myself and take care of big projects.

I hope I can get some sort of pill and empty out my uterus. This limbo is the worst.

Nothing yet

I'm not bleeding yet and my b00bs still hurt. I've been sleeping 9 hours per night or more lately. This really sucks. I have another blood test on Wednesday. I don't know how long this is going to take. It seems like an eternity.

Last year around this time we went to Mexico with T's office and I had a miscarriage while there. This year the trip is to Las Vegas. We leave on the 12th. I was hoping to be done with this miscarriage by then. I realize it's still a couple weeks away, but I'm starting to worry that I'm going to be bleeding for this trip as well. I really hate these trips now, as every time I've gone on one it's been associated with a miscarriage. At least it's the last year they're doing these trips so we won't be having another miscarriage, I mean trip, at this time next year.

I read or hear that many people are glad that 2007 is over and that a new year is starting and that it will hopefully be better. I wish I could be this optimistic. All I see with the changing of years is the passing of time. More time has passed and it seems like I'm even further from all of my goals than I ever have been. I have no job, I'm not interested in any particular vocation and I'm still not any closer to having a baby.

I started and finished this year with a miscarriage. But the year itself doesn't have much meaning for me. I've always found NYE to be pretty arbitrary and I don't enjoy the countdown or any of that silly stuff. We are going to have dinner with E&R and see baby S. I believe we spend last NYE with them. I'm feeling a little ambivalent about it, but I'm doing it anyway. Mailing off the bunny I crocheted for a cousin's baby shower made me sadder than I feel I will be tonight. But I didn't want to stay home and I want to stay friends with them despite what is happening.

I'm still feeling pretty sad and angry. I'm starting to worry that I have a progesterone deficiency, or perhaps a clotting issue. I have a phone appointment with my RE on the fourteenth. I will ask if I was tested for any of these things. I know this probably just happened and there's probably no real reason for it. With the low number to begin with, it seems likely it wasn't viable to begin with, even with the initial doubling that did happen. Maybe I'm just paranoid.

I just don't know what to do with myself until March. Actually, I'm slightly contemplating another Cl0mid cycle so I only have to wait two months before cycling again. I'm also thinking that it's stupid to do that and I should just wait the extra four damn weeks and do the injectables.

Stop this roller coaster! I want to get off!

Oh yeah. And have a happy new year, for whatever that's worth.

Comfort

A couple of people (IRL) have said that at least this miscarriage isn't due to the BT. Or I haven't been pregnant in a while, so at least I know I can still get pregnant. Or that since the BT factor is gone, I must be getting close soon. I don't want an unhealthy baby. Since this is my first miscarriage with donor sperm, it's kind of like it's my first miscarriage.

The people who have said this to me have had some fertility problems of their own.

T tells me that people want to try to look on the better side of things. That when there is something that is so completely crappy, people try to find something good in it. T says that's what the people who say these things are doing.

But to me, that sounds like a pregnancy is something not to be taken seriously. A pregnancy loss is a step along the way. A pregnancy loss is a good start. I can forget about my other three losses because I know why they occurred, and now that we've changed a variable I am starting fresh.

Don't people have a difficult time with one loss? Aren't people devastated when they have one miscarriage? Don't they feel like they've lost a child? Don't they have trouble moving on? Don't they need safety and support to get through it? Aren't other people sorry for their loss?

Just because I have been through this before doesn't mean I've gotten used to it. Just because I had a reasonable expectation that this would happen doesn't mean I'm not bowled over by it.

I have been pregnant four times in the last two years and I have no children. I have injected myself with hormones and gone through surgery, and not once did it result in a healthy response. My husband and I have let go of a genetic connection between my husband and our child. My husband sits next to me and holds my hand while another man's sperm is injected into my body. We pay hundreds of dollars for this privilege. Each time it doesn't work, it hurts. And when we get a small indication that it may work and it doesn't, it hurts even more. Especially when it involves cramping and bleeding and feeling every moment what we are losing.

I feel each of my losses acutely. I don't want anybody to try to get me to look at the bright side of things. There is no bright side of this. This is hell. This is crap. This is being robbed and cheated of something that most people barely even think about. We've had an incredibly difficult time of it, and it sucks. I just want people to say that. Say that it sucks and that you're sorry.

I know that it sucks for me and that I am sorry.

Update:
I just found out that I have to wait a whole cycle before starting the pill for my injectible cycle. It will be almost 3 months until I can have another IUI.

Miscarriage number four, now with donor sperm

My level today was 122. I will definitely be having my fourth miscarriage.

I don't have anything much else to say except for self pitying things, so I will spare you. Thanks for trying to hope for us.

Xmas

Still no bleeding.

My MIL has kind of stopped cleaning things. We drove her around last night looking at Christmas lights and playing Christmas carols in the car. She seemed to really enjoy that.

My parents and one brother's family are coming over for dinner today. It should be yummy, and I'm looking forward to it. It will be nice to have someone else around aside from just MIL. She is a lovely person and wants the best for T and me, but it's just tough to have her living here. She really drives me a bit nuts. She drives T a little nuts too, but he is much more used to her than I am. She is just opposite how my family is and that makes her a little hard to understand and relate to. I see ways that T is like her, but mostly he seems really different than her. I just don't get it. I feel like I am much more like my parents that T is like his. Having never met his dad (he died before we met) I guess I only know 50%, but still. I think in some ways he strives to be different.

She's obsessed with FlyLady and is constantly telling us how we have a 'hotspot' there and need to do something here to clean up our house. Personally, I've been too emotionally (and physically) exhausted lately to care about cleaning. I've tried to tell her that, but she thinks she's being helpful by giving us 'pointers.' She once told us she and her husband tried for 7 years to have a baby and she had just about given up by the time she got pregnant with T. I don't get any inkling that she remembers the pain of that time. I can't imagine it didn't hurt her to think that she would never have a baby, but she doesn't seem to have any recollection of how it affected her life. Maybe it was too long ago to remember. Or maybe it was different before all of this technology we have know. We know so much more about things these days. Maybe it's because she grew up as a toughened farm girl, and she is just incredibly stoic. I know she's sorry about our troubles, but I wish she could just let some of this stuff go.

Tomorrow is the big blood test. I'm trying hard not to hold out any hope, as I thing there isn't much hope there, but I still can't help hoping a little. My b00bs still hurt and as I said there has still been no bleeding. But I know the chances of this ending well is so, so slim. I have been looking at betabase and there have only been a handful of heartbeats with levels like mine. People's hcg at 16 dpo are generally 100 points higher than mine was at 20.

I just don't understand why this has to be so difficult for us. There are others I see online who have been through so, so much as well and it breaks my heart. But I'm at the point where I'm getting jealous of people whose second or third IVFs seem to work. That just seems like such a cake walk to me at this point, even though I know even getting to that place where you need to do IVF is so difficult. I understand that the pain of infertility is strong and is there for everyone. I am just so angry and bitter that I most likely am having my fourth pregnancy loss, even after doing 3 unsuccessful IVF procedures and deciding to sacrifice my husband's genetic connection to our child. I mean, what the hell? This most recent IUI being a flat out failure would have been so much easier than this.

I guess we'll know more on Wednesday.

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate. And peace to everyone.

As if things weren't bad enough

Today is T's birthday. He's not very happy about it. In fact, he's feeling quite sad. And we woke up this morning to his mother cleaning up our kitchen. She put dishes in the dishwasher and turned it on. While I wish she would just let me take care of things, this is not that bad. She washed my dish drying rack (and ended up breaking it) and then she was cleaning my counters with the poisonous cleaner that the old owners left behind. Then she started scraping an old sponge holder that I've been planning on throwing away with one of my good food knives.

It makes me feel like complete shit when she cleans my kitchen. It makes me feel like she thinks I can't take care of her son. It makes me feel like I am a bad house keeper. Okay, I am kind of a shitty house keeper and I know it, but I don't want her cleaning my house. I can't stand it. I work, I have blood tests, I have been trying to make a baby for 2 years and I am most likely staring my fourth miscarriage in the face. I wish she would just leave my house the fuck alone.

Not looking good

It came in at 168. That's not even doubling in 72 hours. This is not going to end well.

Now we have to go pick up my MIL at the airport tonight as she's staying with us for a week.

I have another blood test on Wednesday. I don't know what I expect for that test, but I do not expect anything with indications of a healthy pregnancy.

Better

Thanks for all of the supportive comments. I'm feeling much better today. I didn't even POAS this morning. I've had slight symptoms all day and I'm feeling strong and confident. I'm feeling like I will get a good number tomorrow.

I am still holding my breath, though. Waiting for that call is going to be excruciating. My confidence is so high right now that I don't know what I'll do if the number is no good.

I may just go POAS now.

Please, please, please let this work out. Please. I am ready.

Paranoia

Fear is an amazing thing. Yesterday I was feeling so great. I got a number that was higher than I had ever expected. I was over the moon. I felt for the first time in a long time that something might go right for us. My b00bs were a little bit sore and I was having a little bit of cramping. It was a sign that something was going on in there.

And then I went to sleep.

When I woke up, my b00bs no longer felt as sore as they had the day before. The cramping had stopped. I suddenly remembered the day during my second pregnancy where I thought to myself my symptoms were clearly not what they had been. Then I dismissed it with delusions of paranoia from losing my first pregnancy. Then an hour later I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding.

The fear of this not working out will not go away. The numbers are comforting, and I still POAS every morning. It still makes a second line and that line seems to be getting a little bit darker every day. Still, if I feel myself up and I'm not sore, I freak out.

I am trying to push this fear out of my mind. Freaking out will neither help nor hurt the situation. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. So far, things seem to be working out in a positive manner. I am trying to breathe and not fret. I am also trying to not feel myself up too much lest I freak out.

I am happy to say, however, that the soreness and some cramping did return by the afternoon, so I am feeling much better than I was this morning.

All I can do is hope for a good number on Friday. I need to take things one day at a time. So far, things seem to be okay. And if they turn out not to be okay, it's nothing that I did. I've done all that I can. Breathe. Breathe.

Beta

Well, it was 88!

I can't believe it! When the nurse told me I started shaking and almost crying, but I couldn't because I was at my temp job where no one knows my story. She told me I should be cautiously optimistic. I go in for another blood test on Friday. On Friday my level needs to be at least 360 for me to not begin to freak out. Actually, I'll probably freak out no matter what.

I'm extraordinarily happy about this. Thrilled, in fact. But the truth in this is that I started with very low numbers, and we just don't know yet. But things are good for now, and I will be cautiously optimistic.

On a completely different note, a placement agency sent me to a company to take a grammar test. They will not interview people who do not pass this test. So, I went and took it, and was told that I failed. We went over the answers, and one of the answers the guy who gave me the test said was wrong was actually correct. The test was wrong. I began to try to explain this to him and I started to get really frustrated. I missed passing the test by one answer, and one answer they marked as wrong was correct. I don't mind legitimately failing, but saying I didn't pass when they are wrong just drove me crazy. Anyway, I went into teacher mode trying to explain how I was right and it was wrong. The guy didn't get it. So, in my frustration I basically said that it didn't matter anyway since I failed, and thank you anyway. I left and called the placement agency telling him the story. While I was on the phone, the guy from the placement agency put me on hold and came back telling me the guy who gave me the test called to apologize and that I passed the test and that he was really sorry.

So it's been quite a day.

Anyway, thank you for all your support. It has meant the world to me these past few days.

(88!)

tested again

I've been using internet cheapies. Today when I came home from work I used a FRED. It was clearly positive right away - I am stunned. I'm not sure if you can see in the picture. I still can't imagine that a beta of 13 will turn into a healthy pregnancy, but it does look like the numbers are going up.

The blood test tomorrow will tell us more, but even if it doubles I don't think I will truly believe.

This is not how I pictured this.

A second line

So, when the beta came back "positive," I figured I'd POAS again to see what's going on. Yesterday there was a darkening where the second line was supposed to be, but the test was definitely negative. T couldn't see it until I pointed it out to him, and he kind of chuckled and said, "Yeah, okay."

Today there were two lines. The second one was very faint, but it was there and it was pink.

What do I make of this?
Should I be worried about an ectopic?

Chemical

My beta was 13.2. Dammit, that's not what I was expecting. I feel like I'd rather have a flat out negative. But oh, well. Now I simply need to be bothered to go in for another damn blood test on Tuesday morning. I also drank 2 margaritas last night and got pretty happy. I'm sure it doesn't matter, but it makes me freak out a little none-the-less.

So, this is something that is a first on our journey. Something new. A chemical pregnancy. I just hope it's below 5 on Tuesday. Maybe that's why they're having me come in on Tuesday, in the hopes that I won't have to come back if on Monday it's still over 5. Sigh. 13.2.

Not to be

Two negative hpts so far. 2007 just wasn't my year. I'll keep testing, though I'm sure it's futile. Beta is on Saturday.

Let the obsessing begin

I've reached the point in the cycle of obsessing. I'm feeling myself up a lot. I'm slightly tender, but nothing to write home about. It is only 8 days post IUI, so it's early yet. Last cycle on this day my b00bs were incredibly sore -- hugely so. But the soreness got less and less after that day, so we'll see if that's what happens this time, too. I'm thinking of doing the POAS thing tomorrow, even though it's really early. I'm also thinking about not doing it tomorrow and waiting until Tuesday. We'll see how much will power I have. Buying internet cheapies really reduces my willpower, though. It's just the prospect of one line holding me back.

I'm really worried that this cycle didn't work and I'm going to have to go on the pill and wait for at least a month before trying again. I know I said we were planning some time off anyway, but I haven't had a cycle off in a really, really long time. I'm just not sure how not cycling is going to sit with me. But I guess, for now, all I can do is just wait and see. T is constantly telling me that I have no control over it and to just let it go. But of course, we all know how impossible that is.

I really have no inkling as to whether or not this cycle worked. I can make myself believe I'm pregnant very easily, but I force myself to stop in order to lessen the disappointment if I'm not. But of course, this is futile too. I will be very upset, if not surprised, if I am not pregnant.

Another person in T's office has delivered a baby -- one that was conceived well after our last pregnancy ended. I'm so tired of this. So tired.

I like my RE

My RE is a good guy. I like him. He acknowledges the crappiness of our situation. He really, truly wants me to be pregnant. He actually said to me, "I can't wait to send you guys off to the OB." He told me not less than four times that he hopes I'm pregnant right now.

We settled on an injectable protocol if I'm not pregnant this cycle. It's a micro-dose Lupr0n flare protocol. That was the cycle that got me 5 eggs on our final IVF. They were mostly all the same size, too, which is the most important. I have a tendency to have one huge lead follicle with a bunch of smaller ones.

The bad news? What would cycling news from me be without some bad news? Come on, you know you were expecting it. Anyway, the bad news is that we can't squeeze it in before our insurance changes. So... we may take that break earlier than we had planned. Though, we will probably find a way to do a cycle by the end of January. With our new insurance it looks like we'll have to pay out of pocket and then get reimbursed. Yes, yes, that's much better than nothing. And we're paying more for the policy that covers 100% (we think). So, we'll be able to get a couple of cycles in while I hunt for a job that provides insurance with IVF coverage.

But of course, I might be pregnant right now!
(hahahahahahahahaha!)

I'm not temping this cycle. I'm trying not to think about it much. I'm trying to be lighthearted. Not sure if it's working. I am feeling myself up already, though. Nothin'.

Anyway, it was a fruitful meeting. I'm planning on POAS on Monday. Oh, and a second line did show up eventually on that test I took after trigger. And my RE convinced me with LH levels and E2 levels that my big follicle didn't ovulate early. He said follicles can grow up to 23 mm (about -- I forget the exact number, but it was big) with Cl0mid before ovulating.

So this is where we are. This month marks 2 years since I was pregnant the first time. I need this to be over.

hopeless already

I'm just already convinced it didn't work. I'm convinced that my large follicle ovulated too early and the smaller ones ovulated with immature eggs.

I peed on an internet cheapie just to be reminded what two lines look like and it came up with one line. Does this mean I didn't even trigger properly?

I cannot have hope that this might work anymore. IVF, maybe, but not this.

And I have to get a job so that I can have the insurance to do IVF. I have two interviews next week, one with a place from a placement agency and one at the place where I'm temping. Just like I can't imagine treatments working, I can't imagine being hired. I have had too many jobs in too short of a time to be desirable. Even though there are reasonably good explanations why I left each job, nobody wants someone who jumps around in the workforce and that's what my resume looks like.

I'm trying to remember that T and I are comfortable and we live good lives, but it's just so difficult to find comfort in this under these circumstances. I just feel constantly desperate. I am desperate. I am desperate for some comfort.

dIUI #5 Complete

We had the IUI this morning. I think my cervix and uterus are getting used to that catheter because the last to IUIs have been pain and cramp free. 25 million sperm with 85% motility for the new donor guy. Smaller count, but much better motility. I'm hoping that's a winner.

We asked about our new insurance, and it looks like once we switch over, we will have to pay out of pocket for the procedure and then get reimbursed. I think the meds will still be covered, though, since we will order through a mail-order pharmacy.

I'm hopeful that we can sneak one more cycle in (yes, yes, only if we need to) before we switch insurance. This will mean doing injections and monitoring while my mother-in-law is staying with us for Christmas and T's birthday. She is arriving on December 21. This will all be discussed at my appointment with the RE on Thursday.

T and I are talking about taking a break from treatments for a month in January. We are both worn out from this. I am not ready to stop for next month since it will be our last cycle with the good insurance, at least for a while, but if I'm not pregnant after that cycle, I think we may take a month off. We are going to Las Vegas in the middle of January, and we just need to not think about all of this stuff a little bit. I mean, we have a routine on our IUI days. A routine. This is how we know we've been doing it too much. I don't want to take a break, but I'm not sure my mind can take this for much longer. Of course, we will go back and do injectable cycles and then on to IVF again. But we are just desperate for a break from all of this, and January just seems like the right time.

Please let this one work so I don't have to think about this anymore.