Apparently, my previous post was my 300th post. Wow. I had no idea. That's a lot of posting. I sort of can't believe it.
So, T and I had a reasonably heated argument about these upcoming cycles and adoption all because of this stupid adoption "benefit" thing through my company. He was saying that he wants to put money into the account because he believes that there is no hope that any of these cycles will work. This, of course, made me ask why, if he had no hope, were we even bothering to do them. I said in order to do the cycles, I had to have a little bit of hope that they might work. T then replied that I had done a complete 180 from where I was a few weeks ago at our adoption seminar, and then I had said that I doubted that the cycles would work. This, as you can imagine, escalated to a not so very great place.
Then I stopped the discussion/argument. If it weren't for this stupid adoption "benefit" we wouldn't be having that argument. We both were feeling sad, hurt and frustrated about our situation all over again. All of our wounds were rubbed with salt, all because of something that was supposed to help us. We were both so angry.
We still haven't decided what we should do. I still think we shouldn't risk it and we shouldn't put any money in there. T still thinks we should put at least half the home study money plus the application fee in there. I just don't want to do that because if, by some strange circumstance, I get and remain pregnant, I'm just not going to want to do a home study. T is arguing that even if we do get and stay pregnant, which he really doubts will happen, we should do the home study because of how long the adoption process takes and since we will probably adopt our second child, if not both, we should get the process going anyway.
This is so hard. How can we do family planning under these circumstances? It is impossible to guess what is going to happen next. We are not getting any younger, and we are hoping to have our second child before T is 45. But how can we even begin to plan this? It is just not in the cards. We're just going to have to take risks and understand that we are going to be older parents.
This terrifies T because his father died at age 60, and T is afraid he is not going to be around to see our children's later milestones.
We're going to discuss whether or not to use this so-called "benefit" with our therapist next week. Hopefully she can help us get some perspective.