Thursday, February 28, 2008


Apparently, my previous post was my 300th post. Wow. I had no idea. That's a lot of posting. I sort of can't believe it.

So, T and I had a reasonably heated argument about these upcoming cycles and adoption all because of this stupid adoption "benefit" thing through my company. He was saying that he wants to put money into the account because he believes that there is no hope that any of these cycles will work. This, of course, made me ask why, if he had no hope, were we even bothering to do them. I said in order to do the cycles, I had to have a little bit of hope that they might work. T then replied that I had done a complete 180 from where I was a few weeks ago at our adoption seminar, and then I had said that I doubted that the cycles would work. This, as you can imagine, escalated to a not so very great place.

Then I stopped the discussion/argument. If it weren't for this stupid adoption "benefit" we wouldn't be having that argument. We both were feeling sad, hurt and frustrated about our situation all over again. All of our wounds were rubbed with salt, all because of something that was supposed to help us. We were both so angry.

We still haven't decided what we should do. I still think we shouldn't risk it and we shouldn't put any money in there. T still thinks we should put at least half the home study money plus the application fee in there. I just don't want to do that because if, by some strange circumstance, I get and remain pregnant, I'm just not going to want to do a home study. T is arguing that even if we do get and stay pregnant, which he really doubts will happen, we should do the home study because of how long the adoption process takes and since we will probably adopt our second child, if not both, we should get the process going anyway.

This is so hard. How can we do family planning under these circumstances? It is impossible to guess what is going to happen next. We are not getting any younger, and we are hoping to have our second child before T is 45. But how can we even begin to plan this? It is just not in the cards. We're just going to have to take risks and understand that we are going to be older parents.

This terrifies T because his father died at age 60, and T is afraid he is not going to be around to see our children's later milestones.

We're going to discuss whether or not to use this so-called "benefit" with our therapist next week. Hopefully she can help us get some perspective.


Almamay said...

It's a hard one. I'm a big "Plan B" girl, actually if truth be told I have B, C and D plans. I have faith in Plan A, I wouldn't be going down that route if I didn't. I have hope that Plan A will eventually work but I allow myself to be a bit pessimistic (realistic?) as well. When my DH is being negative I have to remind myself that he's allowed to feel pessimistic as well. I just wish we would have the same emotions at the same time.

Why do two of the most difficult subjects in the world (money and IF) get in the way of starting our families?

Amy & Ryan said...

Oh have I been here! We actually were going to adopt a little girl that was born stillborn 1 week before I found out I was pregnant. I know, sounds crazy to do both adoption and fertility treatments, but we didn't know the adoption would fall into place so fast for us. Our Dh's are wired different and it is hard for me to remember that. My advice to you, don't rush into anything that you aren't comfortable with and make sure that Dh can feel he has contributed to the idea. I didn't do that, and that put our baby plans on hold for a longtime.

Good luck!

Beagle said...

"How can we do family planning under these circumstances? It is impossible to guess what is going to happen next."

You are so right!
It is so hard.

Having an impartial person to discuss it with might help.

My Reality said...

It is such a tough decision to make. I think the part that made it easier for us was thinking about having kids in our house. We would both give our right arms for that. I am terrified by adoption for so many reasons. It isn't an easy decision to make. I don't have much faith in my own body. I don't know that I could carry a pregnancy. I don't know how I can go through a domestic adoption with the uncertainty of it all. I guess what I am saying, is it all sucks. We just want a family. And if adoption brings us closer to that, we have to try and find the positives in the situation. If you want to talk about any of this, feel free to shout at me by email. I am sure this comment probably would scare anyone away from my thoughts, but if you need a sounding board, I am all eyes.

ultimatejourney said...

You clearly both very much want to be parents. I know you know that, but I still think it's an important point to keep in mind as you negotiate this difficult situation.

You didn't ask for assvice, but here it comes anyway. I think I would put some money in as T is suggesting. If you get/stay pregnant, there will be a period of time that you're through the first trimester, but will probably still be feeling somewhat uncertain about the pregnancy. Doing a homestudy at that point might help you to feel like you're doing everything you can toward having a family, even though in that scenario you'd really be getting a leg up on baby #2.

Good luck with your decision.

niobe said...

I'm not sure I understand the details of the benefit -- namely what happens if you don't use the money within the calendar year. Do you have to pay back taxes on it or do you lose it altogether? For me, I'd want to weigh the total possible loss against the total potential gain.

I'm confused by the whole adoption benefit anyway, since everyone knows that adoption is not always a smooth, linear process and that it may involve delays. How do they expect people are supposed to use this supposed benefit under such conditions of uncertainity?

Almamay said...

I've tagged you on my blog, hope you don't mind.