Today I am feeling sad. I was sitting at my desk at work this morning, and a co-worker asked if I was okay and I lost it. Tears. Lots of tears. She asked if I wanted to talk, and I didn't really. I'm just so sad about everything, plus I hate my job. I don't know what to do.
My job is completely chaotic. Infertility is completely chaotic. I just want something that's steady in my life. I just want a job where I can not feel like everything I do is futile and things get accomplished. Nothing gets accomplished at my job. I've tried to talk to my boss about it, but she just doesn't quite get it. Also, it's quite hard to articulate what exactly the problem is. They are like children. They have all this interesting ideas and they try to do everything, and nothing gets done. It's extremely frustrating.
Plus, I'm a glorified secretary. I agreed to do some paperwork and administrative stuff in order to be able to do database stuff. However, I have yet to do anything database related. They keep changing their minds about how they want to record the data. They keep changing their minds about how they're going to do everything! We are going to be booted out of our offices soon, and there's nowhere for us to move! I can't take the stress. I have enough stress at home. Ireally want to quit.
I had acupuncture, and I feel a little bit better. My acupuncturist told me not to quit my job because my mind is so clouded right now. It's not a good time to make big decisions like that. She's right. I've told myself this before and I want to try and stick with it, but it's really, really hard. Taking time off was supposed to help, but I feel like it's almost made things worse!
I'm so tired of being sad all the time. I've cried at least three times today. T still isn't home yet, and dinner's going to be ready. At least tomorrow's Friday. We are going to have dinner with ulltimatejourney and her hubby. I'm looking forward to that.
Saturday I am hanging out with E, but no baby. I haven't seen her in ages, so that's good, but I'm afraid I'm just going to be a mess the whole time. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal. She is sensitive to the 'mommy' issue and said she'd understand if I wasn't up to hanging out right now. I wanted to try. God, I am such a mess right now. Maybe I'm going through the grieving I put off while MIL was here. I'm not sure. But it's intense.
Thank god I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow.
Life as an adoptive family.
My Story
- Rachel
- 4 miscarriages, 3 failed IVFs with PGD, 2 different sperm donors, 1 diagnosis of balanced translocation. Now we are the proud parents of a boy via domestic infant semi-open adoption. We had a failed match for kid #2 and are now matched again.
7 comments:
i'm so sorry rachel. sending you lots of virtual hugs and well wishes. your theory about putting off thegrieving until now sounds about right to me, and if so, it's a good thing you're getting it out of the way. i hope it passes soon.
Reading this, I physically feel your pain because it is in many ways similar to what I was feeling last week. The ups and downs of IF are enough to drive you mad. I hope you have a good therapy session and things start to turn around soon. We can talk more tonight.
I'm thinking of you hon, hoping that the grey lifts soon.
Hugs and love to you.
I'm sorry you're feeling so down, and hope that the weekend will help - just let it all out and don't be afraid to say how you're feeling. E may understand more than you think.
Hugs to you, Rachel.
I'm sorry you're feeling bad, I certainly understand about the tears. That's how I was this past weekend.
I hope feel better.
I am sorry today was a sad day. I know what it is like to be stuck in a job you don't really like and dealing with all of the infertility crap on top of it all.
I hope you have a good weekend and have a chance to recharge yourself.
I'm so sorry that you're feeling so down. It is so hard to deal with IF AND job probems at the same time. I've been there, and it absolutely stinks. I really hope that you feel better soon.
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