fat

My fat pants are too tight.

I've never been one to obsess over weight too much. I've always been bit overweight. But I would exercise a little and eat sweets and good stuff and it balanced out in its own particular way. I would exercise more and my pants would get looser. I was never what you would call thin, but I was me. And it was fine.

Then I got pregnant. Being pregnant makes you hungry. Being hungry makes you eat. I ate everything. Then I lost the pregnancy, but I didn't lose the couple of pounds I gained.

Then I got pregnant again. It was a longer pregnancy, so I was even hungrier. I bought pants that I could grow into. I gained weight. Then I lost that pregnancy, but not the weight.

Then we were diagnosed with T's balanced translocation. We knew we would have big problems. It was difficult to deal with. When I'm stressed and sad, I comfort myself with eating good food. The weight remained.

Then we went a few months without conceiving. Then we got pregnant and lost another pregnancy. I drank. I ate. I gained a couple more pounds.

Now I've had a failed IVF and have been labeled a poor responder. I turn 35 on Saturday. It's the day before Mother's Day. I eat to comfort myself. I don't exercise enough because I'm too sad to force myself to go. I exercise a little bit, but I eat more. Eating calms me. It's enjoyable. It makes me feel good. But it makes my pants too small.

I think it's too much to force myself to try to eat well while I'm going through all this stress, but most of my clothes are too tight and it makes me feel like crap. Should I go to a hypnotist or something? Gaining this much weight makes me even more depressed. I've gained almost 20 lbs since my first pregnancy.

Ah, infertility, you really know how to beat a girl down.