Friday, May 05, 2006

trials and tribulations

Thank you, Mary Ellen, for being so helpful and supportive and giving me all sorts of information. As we said, it's wonderful and strange to care so much about the fate of someone who's essentially a stranger. But thank you.

What Mary Ellen helped me to figure out is that some insurance coverage is better than others, and we may have to deal with finding the best coverage (or any coverage at all.) It's good to know all of this, but it is completely overwhelming and depressing to think about. But I'm glad we went over all of this so I can be prepared to fight, which we definitely will have to do, and change providers, which we may or may not have to do. What this all boils down to, again, is that IF sucks and is completely unfair.

My friend E, who is pg, has figured out that I'm not talking to her as much as I used to. I didn't deny it. I just told her that all I can think about is IF, and I don't want to bum her out. When I was pg, we talked about how close in age our kids would be. But now I know it will be anywhere from 6 months to 5 years before I have a baby. I know I've said this before, but she had m/cs and a difficult time getting pregnant, so she can relate on some level. But unfortunately her pg is a reminder of mine that isn't (aren't) and it's difficult. But it's not like I'm avoiding her. I saw her last weekend and will see her Sunday too. But I'm usually emailing all over the place, and I'm just not. But there hasn't been as much cool stuff in the news lately.

Only the 63-year-old who is pregnant. And lord knows I don't want to think about that.

Now onto happier subjects. Cuchi Cuchi is dead. Apparently it's very hip and we can't get a reservation. Then we were going to Kashmir. That isn't happening either, so now we're going to Charley's Tavern. I'm drinking.

I'm going to go to the Boston Public Library after work and get some books. I'm almost done with my novel, so I'm going to pick up a new one of those. I think I may also get an IF book.

I also need to get off my ass and call that therapist. I don't know why I'm putting it off. I think I'm waiting for my class to be over so I can feel like I have more time. 3 more weeks. I may also be waiting for our IVF appointment. I guess I still want more info. I want numbers. I doubt it will really help, though.

Both T and I have been having stress dreams. I dreamed that we had to move out of the house immediately, but I wanted to look for a new house. We ended up having to rent. I don't know why we had to move, but we did. I was also in med school (?!?) at the time, so I didn't have time to do anything because of all the shit I needed to do for school.

T dreamed that I left him because of the bt. That makes me so sad. *hugs* to my sweetie.

I even thought for a couple of minutes yesterday that maybe we won't have kids. That's really weird because I know I've wanted kids since I was a teenager. But I thought about it yesterday.

I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of IF.


UtRus said...

my Hubs and I actually had that conversation last night. i said to him, "my worst fear about all this is that if i can never conceive and have a baby, you will leave me for someone who can." he set me straight good and fast. but you see, this is a common thought, a common fear on either or both ends of our relationships.

keep chipping away at the work to be done with insurance and therapist, etc. i know it seems overwhelming, but you will make strides. you can do this. it gets easier. i promise.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

Rachel you are so welcome. I am glad that I could help. I talked to Adria yesterday and she said that it was fine to send you the letter. I am going to send it now. Hugs!