The weather has been incredibly warm this weekend. Perfect, really, for a long weekend. Thursday evening I went to have a drink with my friend S. It was nice to hang out, just us women. We talked about this new job of mine, about whether she and her husband R will buy a condo or move out of their current apartment, and about me and me and E. My friend S is a therapist by trade, so she's good at making me feel like it's okay to have the emotions I have. It's so funny because I don't want to 'use' her like a therapist. She's my friend. But she loves being a therapist so much that she will sometimes prompt me to process. She is encouraging me to find a therapist for both me and T. I do want to do that. I've just been putting it off for other things, lately. But she told me to not feel bad about feeling sad sometimes when I'm around E, and to not blame myself for not being able to be really excited for the baby to come. I've heard all of that before, and I know that those feelings are normal, but I still can't help feeling bad that I can't get excited. I want to be excited about the baby, and it sucks that I just can't be.
Anyway, last night we went out to a super yummy dinner with my parents and my brother and sister-in-law's exchange student from Poland. She's a good kid. Since my brother's family lives in NH, just over the border, she was grateful to be in the city for a little bit. I had rack of lamb stuffed with cheese, olives, sun dried tomatoes and mushrooms with porcini ravioli. It was super delicious.
Today E is having a birthday cookout for herself. I've made potato salad and we bought the fixins for raspberry lime rickeys (with raspberry Stoli for those who want to indulge). I'm also going to make rice crispy squares since they're so easy and everybody loves them. Her friend L and her daughter M are going to be there. L's husband died suddenly a little over a year ago. I've only met her a couple of times, but it just makes me so sad to think of it. It's weird that because of her great loss, the concept of her daughter doesn't make me as sad as it might ordinarily do. My only worry is that when we all hang out that the only thing that people are going to be able to talk about is baby stuff, and that will definitely bum me out. I just don't have anything to contribute to those conversations. E and I are supposed to hang out with another friend and her fiance next weekend, and I worry about the baby discussions when that happens, too. I guess I'll just have to deal.
T and I talked about the new job more last night. It looks like I'm going to take it. It will make my days longer with the longer commute, but it's better than being totally bored and alone all day in my windowless office. I still need to look at the benefits, but I can't imagine they'll be so bad that I won't take the job. I'm excited but very nervous.
Also, I'm supposed to be fertile this weekend, but I totally haven't been. I don't know what's going on. Maybe all the stress from last week pushed me forward a bit. But I'm nervous that I'm going to miss it and we're going to miss our window of opportunity this month. But that's probably me just being paranoid. Still, I'm not seeing any signs that I'm fertile at present moment.
Ah, rolling with the punches. I kind of suck at that.