Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Is anything ever easy?

The therapist that we were hoping to see doesn't take our insurance. She has almost 30 years experience dealing with infertile couples. I was hoping to meet with someone like that. I feel like it is way more difficult than it should be to find someone to talk to about all of this. It should be easy. All of the literature says that going through IF is as stressful as having chronic pain or cancer or some other severe illness. And yes, we are near Boston where Dr. Domar has all of her wonderful workshops, but it would cost $1000 for the both of us to go. With the prospects of all the things we're going to have to pay ahead of us, I'm reluctant to shell out that kind of cash for something that insurance really should cover. Though some insurance companies do cover part of Dr. Domar's program. Still, it shouldn't be this hard. And we need to do something.

T and I almost had a fight, sort of, last night. It was about all of this infertility stuff. Now, to many people they will read that and think, "So what!" but for T and me, this is a big deal. We don't fight. We just don't. We discuss. We're animated. We make fun of each other in good fun. But we don't fight. I have even learned how to compromise a little bit sometimes. (T remains the true compromiser.) But still. I am worried. T is getting more and more sad as time goes on rather than time healing his wounds. We need help.

I have gone to the library and looked at a few books about infertility. I made the mistake of taking out a book called Preventing Miscarriage and looking up 'chromosomal abnormalities' in the index. On that page, of course, it says something to the effect of, "Sometimes miscarriage is caused by chromosomal abnormalities in one of parents. Unfortunately, in this circumstance, there is nothing that can be done about it." I promptly started to cry right there in public. I closed the book and didn't open it again. Not what I'm looking for. I know there's nothing we can do about T's bt. I was dumb to think there might be something insightful in there.

But this is our problem. Much of the traditional infertility stuff doesn't really apply to us. I'm not infertile. I can get pregnant. T's not infertile. He can get me pregnant. We just have this really high chance of miscarriage, and possibly having an unbalanced fetus that will not live for long outside of the womb, or perhaps will just be really, really, really ill. It didn't take us long to figure this out. I got pregnant the first time we tried. The second time we weren't really even trying! I mean, I knew I was in my fertile time, but it was just one time. (Dude, that sounds like an ABC after school special.) We've only been ttc for 5 months. It's just that I had 2 miscarriages in a very short time and we got diagnosed quickly.

So, in some ways we skipped a big part of IF. The, 'is this weird?' part, the waiting a whole year with no results part never happened for us. We thought things were going well, and

Things really aren't so good. When I'm reading these 'how to cope with infertility' books, a lot of it isn't applicable. I'm not even sure that whole 'mind-body' thing applies to us. We can get pregnant. We just don't know if we can get pregnant with something that can be healthy.

I think T is convinced it will never work. He is really down. He tells me that we simply don't have enough information to know one way or another. Personally, I don't think this visit at Boston IVF is going to answer enough questions for him. And since it's going to take a whole bunch of crap and jumping through hoops to get coverage for IVF and PGD, I don't see why we shouldn't just ttc in the mean time. This idea, however, terrifies T in a way I've never seen. I know that ttc is risky. It may cause additional heartbreak. But making a family will be heartbreaking for us. I'm willing to take a little more risk in order to ttc without needles. T thinks having failed IVFs would hurt less than miscarriages. Plus, and I can't argue with this, he says it decreases the risk of having an unbalanced fetus.

What this all boils down to, is we need help. We need to meet with someone who can help us come to an agreement about what to do. We need to adjust. We need to come to terms with this. I don't think this is something we can do by ourselves. This is obvious. So why is it so difficult to find a therapist to help us?

1 comment:

Brooke said...

I know what you are going through, it is a very long and difficult process...keep positive!