It's been a dramatic couple of days. Yesterday I was trying to work out things with E. I'm feeling bad about feeling bad. We sent a few emails back and forth. I appologized for being snarky. E said I wasn't being snarky, and that it just sucks that my being around her makes me sad. I agree. E's my closest friend in the area, and I would feel crappy without her being around a lot. So, I'm at work and I'm crying while writing these emails. Tears are everywhere. Crying and crying. In fact, I'm about to cry just thinking about it. Why does this have to suck? Why can't I just be happy for them? It took 2 miscarriages and a year and a half for them to get to having a pregnancy that worked. I am happy for them, but I feel like it's more of a theoretical happy rather than an actual happy. I want to be excited to see and hold the baby, to smell its head. I want to go gaga over the cute little baby clothes and toys. But I can't. That stuff just hurts and makes me want to cry. It sucks.
So I had a job interview today. It went well. I think they liked me. They're interviewing some more people, and they'll bring in a few candidates for another round in a couple of weeks. The job sounds really interesting and a step up from what I'm doing now. I'm ambivalent about switching jobs, though, because we're now ttc. I don't know if I can swich insurance while I'm pg. (If I'm pg.) Maybe taking this job will depend on whether or not I'm pg. I bet it will take long enough for me to pee on a stick, but not long enough to make sure I won't miscarry.
Such is life. It's good that I don't feel pressure to take this job. I have a solid, if boring one at present moment. I'm working from home today to study for my exam. I just need a break. We're going to the Sox-Yankees game tonight. The weather looks only mediocre. But games are always fun and include hotdogs. I love hotdogs.