Sunday, May 21, 2006

Best of times? Worst of times?

Generally, it was a good weekend. I, of course, spent time in the garden. I always like doing that. I planted three different types of flowers. I have no idea what kind they are, but they are blue, purple and red. I hope they take! I decided to give up on the seeds because I think either birds ate them or they were washed away in the 10 inches of rain we got last weekend. We bought a dehumidifier for the basement to help finish drying that out and we got a push mower for our tiny bit of lawn. T mowed, and even though our lawn is only weeds, it looks so much better. I had been feeling like it was time to prop a broken car up on cinder blocks. Now, we look much more manicured.

Today I needed to do my extra credit assignment, and I of course needed some help. And who do I get stats help from? That's right, my pregnant friend E. Last time I saw E, I really felt okay. I was worried that I wouldn't but I was fine. Today wasn't quite as good. While I got there, some friends A&A were at E's house. A&A have also been having fertility problems. (I'm not sure why everyone I know is having problems. But that's another story. E, of course, thinks it's her.) So, E let A know about our diagnosis. A said that she was really sorry. We had a short discussion, but A, her husband, had to go somewhere so they had to leave. We did have a short discussion about how all the male perspective infertility stuff kind of sucks. T has been quite disappointed with it. Oh, and on the way to E's house there was some sort of concert thing with all sorts of traffic that I found horribly annoying. So I was kind of grumpy anyway.

Then she showed me some of the stuff she got at her work baby shower. It was these little plush vegies, which were so cute. They were perfect because she's vegetarian, and they just totally suited her personality. They were in the baby's room, and there was the little stand she got to be the changing table. It had little drawers and in the little drawers were all of the baby's clothes. I almost lost it right there. It was bad.

So we did some stats and it didn't take that long. She did really help me. She's helped me a bunch with my stats work. I'm totally grateful. But then we were talking and we ended up talking about teaching kids to drive. And I made sort of a snarky comment about not knowing whether we were going to even have kids or if we did whether they'd even have the ability to drive. She didn't freak out or anything, but now I feel a little bad about it. I just sent her a somewhat apologetic email, but I'm crying while I'm writing it, and I don't even know what to say. I said something. I'm really, really afraid that I'm not going to be able to deal when the baby is born, unless I am pregnant. I do not want to lose this friendship, but I'm so afraid that I'm not going to be able to deal. I'm not sure what to do.

When she told me she was pregnant, I was so happy and I thought how that if I was still single I totally wouldn't have been able to deal with her pregnancy because I would be so jealous. I was so glad that wasn't the situation. And now it's almost as if I'm back in that same place where I'm having trouble dealing. Life is so strange.

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