I have to say, I surprised myself this weekend. I've slowly noticed things changing for me, but it really struck me on Saturday.
We joined a playspace coop nearby for the winter. It's afternoons only and I knew I'd be going stir crazy if I didn't have somewhere to go with H after nap. I'd heard from neighbors that it was a good place to go and there was an open house there this past Saturday. I decided to take H there to check it out and to sign up.
It was great there! It was pretty crowded and of course full of kids. And of course TONS of the moms there were visibly pregnant. And you know what? I didn't care. I really, truly didn't. I wasn't jealous. I didn't get sad. I didn't feel much of anything at all.
I guess I've finally, finally come to accept that I will never be pregnant and give birth to a child. I don't have a lot of choice in the matter, and this is just how it is. Being angry and jealous isn't going to change that. I have H, and we will get another child, and they will be my family and that's how it is.
I will never say that on some level I wish that my children didn't have to have two sets of parents or that they could have been biologically related to me. I will never say that I'm thankful to have gone through infertility. But I have come to accept that this is my life. I have a wonderful son, we will have another child, and that will be that.
I don't think I'll ever be ebullient upon a pregnancy announcement. I will never enjoy seeing a F@ceb00k ultrasound.
But I am okay with never being pregnant and experiencing child birth, and I don't feel particularly jealous of people around that anymore.