Tuesday, February 09, 2010

All Mixed Up

Sometimes my emotions are so mixed up.

Henry's nap schedule is solidifying, which is great. But he isn't so great at napping outside the house and being home for his nap schedule and feedings makes it nearly impossible to ever leave. That makes me crazy. I am starting to figure out how to make it possible for him to do some good napping while at the same time allows me to go somewhere from time to time.

This is interfering with the dog's schedule a bit, which means every time I get up he jumps up as if he's going to get fed or go for a walk. This is a bit crazy making as well. I love the dog and have lost 17 lbs since getting him. Without him I wouldn't exercise nearly as much. But I wish I could make him understand the concept of, "Sorry, not right now. Every day is different." That's not really a dog's way. We're trying, though.

I need to figure out a way to do more 'me' stuff while Henry is napping. I find I just end up doing nothing on the computer while he naps and I don't like it. I'm working on knitting a sweater for Henry, but for whatever reason I don't pick it up. I think of reading a grown-up book, but I don't pick one up. I do sometimes do laundry or dishes during nap time, but I want to do something for ME and I'm not sure why I can't get inspired to do so.

I'm still thinking of my bitterness and how to work on it. I'm not feeling bitter right now; more sad. My friend who is pregnant just announced it on the evil FB. She has had major troubles and never thought this baby would ever happen, so my happiness for her is ENORMOUS. However, last time I saw her I freaked a little at her pregnant appearance. I just feel so much loss sometimes.

Maybe I I should try to remember announcing Henry's arrival and how shocked people were. That was kind of fun.

Not believing in 'destiny' or that things are 'meant to be' also slows the healing process, I think. I love Henry and I think our match with his birth parents is perfect. I can't picture us having a different set of birth parents or being the parents of any of the other babies in our adoptive families play group. None of those matches were the right match for us. Henry definitely was it. Still, I'm not one of those people who wouldn't change everything if I could go back in time. I know that if we had a genetic baby we would have loved it as much as we love Henry now.

Still, my love for little Henry sometimes overwhelms me. I just hope he never feels unloved or abandoned around his adoption. I think part of my sadness comes from wanting to protect him from the difficult feelings adoptees sometimes have. Of course it's natural for him to feel this way and I should allow him to feel what he needs to feel, but we all want to protect our children from hurt, even though that's impossible to do for a lifetime.

I'm also starting to think about home study #2.

My head is swirling today. Henry woke me up at 5:30. He went back to sleep, but then the cat woke me up at 6. Then the dog woke me up at 6:30. I'm feeling a little tired.

A tooth broke through!

Also, teenagers are scary. (My niece is freaking me out a little.)


Kelly said...

I hope you are able to find some "me time" soon and also the inspiration. I often think about things I would like to do but I then I just don't do them. I'm not sure what the problem is, but I understand. I'm excited to hear you talking about home study #2 already! Yay for that!

Robin said...

Wow! Homestudy #2! That's awesome..

I think the thoughts and feelings you are having is normal. Of course Motherhood is an adjustment no matter how it happens to you.

But "Me Time" is huge and very healthy. Maybe if you can't get it during the day you can get it at night or on the weekend?

ultimatejourney said...

I remember that stage with the napping and eating. Soon he'll be able to do finger foods and it will be easier to have a lunch or coffee date while he eats.

I've never gotten good at doing "me" things during nap time. Hopefully you can master it better than I have.

Wow, home study #2! That's wonderful.

Congrats on the tooth! A was/is a late teether. I just spotted #13 this morning :)

Natalie said...

My SIL has the same problem with my neice's naps - she only sleeps at home, which makes scheduling things very difficult!

I hope you figure out how to re-connect with yourself during your down times.

And yes, Teenagers are very scary.

Sue said...

Good luck with homestudy #2 - that's very exciting!

I think it's really hard to find much me time when you have a small child. I'm starting to do a little, but it's mostly at night and on the weekends. It will get better with time - really!

niobe said...

I think it's hard to do much while a baby is napping since you're always listening with one ear in case he wakes. At least that's the way it is for me.

And on the issue of bitterness: I realize my situation is not the same as yours. But I've decided that, for me, the best thing to do is to realize that there's always going to be some residual bitterness and that trying to force myself to get over it just makes it worse, since I end up being angry at myself for not getting over it. If that makes sense.

heatherhollars said...

hi! delurking here! i read a fantastic blog where they adopted and their son is now about 18 months old, she has beautifull posts about her feelings towards adoption and her feelings post ivf. check her out she might help!http://bohophotography.blogspot.com/2010/02/kindred-souls.html