Monday, August 24, 2009

still a blow

Even though Henry is home and we are doing really, really well, I'm not sure I feel like a Mommy yet. It just doesn't feel real, somehow, despite me knowing that it is. I guess my emotions haven't caught up with what's actually going on.

Then I login to F@ceb00k and see an announcement and an ultrasound.

It still slams me. I do know that I'd be way much more of a mess about it if we didn't have our beautiful Henry at home, but it's still a kick in the stomach. Especially those f*cking ultrasounds. I hate that people share those. Should I post the CT scan of my diverticulitis?

Henry will be about 6 months when this baby is born. I'm guessing that by then I will really feel like a mommy.

18 comments:

Meg said...

I'm sure it'll take some time to get used to all of this. But, I'm confident you will. And, even though he didn't grow inside you, Henry is still yours. I'm sorry those ultrasounds still hurt. It's the constant reminder of what you lost out on. I hope it gets easier for you. I'm sure smiles from Henry in a matter of weeks will make it a little easier. :)
Just be gentle with yourself and go at your own pace.

ultimatejourney said...

It didn't feel real for me right away either; I felt like an impostor pretending to have a baby. I don't remember exactly when it started to feel real, but I'd say it was within a month or so. Before you know it, you won't remember what it was like *not* to have a child in tow.

BTW, if you need any suggestions for local mom resources, etc. feel free to drop me a line.

My Reality said...

I would be interested in seeing a CT of diverticulitis. You know, if you want to share.

The announcements will always sting.

loveyoualready said...

Hi - just wanted to let you know I, too, hate those bejeezless Facebook announcements and especially the ultrasound photos. In fact they fill me with rage. In my darkest moments I've actually fantasized about posting our miscarried baby's ultrasound pic just to freak people out, only to come back a day later and say "SURPRISE! This is the baby we LOST 3 years ago...but thanks for the well wishes."


On a brighter note, I've followed your blog off and on for a long time and was so excited to see your "Henry" - congratulations!!

E said...

Everything happened so fast. It will take time for adjustments. I still can't believe it. He is so precious.

Just think, when people are posting pictures of their stupid ultrasounds, you will be posting pictures of your beautiful baby!

There will always be a part of you that hurts.

DrSpouse said...

I thought I was the only sick person who had thought of doing what loveyoualready suggests.

serenity said...

Yes, I felt the same way that Ultimatejourney did too. O was born in March, and I remember distinctly feeling like a HUGE fraud on my first Mother's Day.

It took me a while to really FEEL like a mom - for me it was a couple of months.

The FB posts will always sting, but it does get better with time. (More like a mosquito bite versus a cut.)

xxx

Somewhat Ordinary said...

Everything happened so fast I'm sure it will take sometime for it all to sink in. M is almost 18 months and I still hate FB pregnancy annoncements - especially the super fertile people that do cutesie shit on FB to annoiunce their 3rd pregnancy when they weren't even married when we started TTC. Bitter, me never!!

Almamay said...

I think that just because you are a mohter now doesn't make you immune to stupid, thoughtless people posting scan photos on FB.

AshPash said...

Yeah, the pregnancies of friends never really stops hurting. Sigh. The good news is that you WILL feel like a mommy and not a fraud...I promise! Enjoy this time as you get into a routine and bond with your boy!

hope548 said...

It does take a while to truly start feeling like a Mommy. I think it took me a few months, but trust me, you will, and the announcements will barely even sting after a while!

hope548 said...

I also meant to say that the nursery looks beautiful! Welcome home.

Kristina said...

It takes a while to actual feel like a mom no matter how you came about it. When he gives you that first smile and your heart melts into a puddle of butter, you will know that you are his mom, the apple of his eye.

Deborah said...

I agree with all of what Serenity said. It took me awhile to feel like a mommy, and I gave birth to my son. One day when he was a few weeks old, I was at a gathering of lots of moms and babies, and I looked around and realized one of them was MY baby, and the others were not. And then I felt like a mom.

Sue said...

The bonding isn't necessarily instant, no matter how your baby comes to you, so don't worry. I was warned about this ahead of time by a few mothers, so I was prepared. It didn't even bother me that I didn't get to hold my own baby for his first 36 hours because he was taken immediately to the intensive care nursery. Now I look at photos of other people holding their babies in the hospital and it makes me teary that I wasn't able to hold mine. So don't worry - you will feel more and more like a mom every day, and hopefully over time that will help you heal.

niobe said...

My older son is almost 18 (years, *not* months) and I still sometimes feel like a bit of a fraud.

Lin said...

I just found your blog from Mel's "Funny People and MFI" post. Congrats on bringing Henry home...and, I completely hear you on the ultrasounds on FB. I don't get it at all! (((HUGS)))

Kelly said...

I doubt it ever goes away, but I bet the pain will dull over time, especially as you become more accustomed to being a mommy.