Wednesday, November 18, 2009


A friend told me that she and her husband are going to start trying to have a baby. Her husband has said for 40 years (he's over 40) that he didn't want kids, but she decided she did and in order for them to stay together he changed his mind.

I'm trying to figure out how I can remain friends with her if/when she gets pregnant. I'm really not sure I can take it.

I feel like them having kids is a disaster.

Of course it's none of my business and I haven't said anything to her. I'm not sure she'll understand my difficulty around this now that we have Henry. Henry is the best thing that has ever happened to me (aside from marrying T) but I still will have a very difficult time with the fact that my friend's husband will most likely have a biological child after speaking out and fighting against that idea for over 40 years.

Edited to clarify:
Husband is over 40 years old. They have not been married 40 years. He's just "always known" he's never wanted kids for his entire life. Wife was undecided. Until now.


Kelly said...

I just know this stuff will never fully go away. It's tough - especially after they have resisted for 40 years. (I'm not quite sure how people who have been married for 40 years can have a biological baby, but apparently they can?) To me, it doesn't seem like I would want to have a child with someone who was so opposed to it for so long - it just doesn't seem healthy, relationship-wise.

Sue said...

It sounds like your friend very much wants to have a baby, so surely you can relate to that. I would try not to judge their situation too harshly, but if you need to distance yourself, go ahead. Not all babies are born into perfect circumstances, but it doesn't necessarily mean they won't be loved.

Almamay said...

It's a p*sser isn't it? I'm having trouble dealing with the mums who are still not sure if they want the baby in their arms! I sometimes wonder if they know how they got pg. I hope if they do have a child it is transformative for them. Every child should be loved and wanted as uch as our sons are.

ultimatejourney said...

I have a friend who's about to start TTC #2 even though she's not ready. Because she's getting pressure from her husband. It's all I can do to bite my tongue.

I am a firm believer that both parties should really want to be parents before bringing a child into the family. I've expressed this viewpoint to my friend over the past year or so when the subject has come up. But now that she's going for it, I think it's time to step back and support her.

Parenting is HARD and I really can't imagine what it would be like for someone who never really even wanted it.

But I'm preaching to the choir. I guess I'm trying to say that I understand your frustration.

Robin said...

Oh jeez. If I were in that situtation, it would be so hard for me to not be jealous and bitter that I can totally relate to what you're going through. We have friends that even went through infertility (for 6 months, anyway) and now are TTC #2 and I know they will get pregnant just as fast again. Here I am two years in and just feel like I'm drifting along.

It does seem weird that she would basically force him to try and have kids. Doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship.

K77 said...

I'd stay away. You just know they'll get pg immediately :(