Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Still down

I've had a sad week. I'm not exactly sure what's going on with me, but I can't seem to get out of this funk. I'm going back to talk to my old therapist on Friday to see if that will help.

I'm in such a funk that I actually looked up jobs in the city in Hawai'i where I fantasize about moving. There is a branch of University of Hawai'i there, so I fantasize about working there. I looked at flights, but I didn't look at housing. Housing in Hawai'i is expensive. I'm not sure why I'm in this 'giving up' mode, but I am.

I haven't been cooking. I let T buy a couple of toys. I have been spending a lot of time playing on our Wii. I haven't been cleaning -- though I did manage to empty and fill the dishwasher today, finally. I just don't have strong opinions about anything. I'm not particularly worried about anything because I just don't care.

Though this brings us to the weird part because I am worried about the fact that I don't care. T thinks it's a good thing. He says I'm letting go and just going with the flow. We are lucky that financially we don't have things to worry about (especially in this economy) but it isn't like me to step back and consider and just worry about how things are going to go. But I don't care.

I am still exercising a little bit. It's only twice a week so far, though I'm trying for three. I should do more, but it's better than nothing. But I just don't care. I haven't been knitting or crocheting or reading. I've just been watching DVDs and playing on the Wii. I don't feel interested in much. I feel like things are not okay.

Though, I am trying to sign up to take a pottery class tomorrow. I've always wanted to make clay things on the wheel, so I'm going to try and sign up and do pottery once or twice a week. Hopefully that will kick me in the butt.

I emailed the agency today and they think that previous situation with Bruce and his daughter is a long shot. They think we should sign on with the facilitator. That is a big chunk of money, but I think we're going to go ahead and do it. That will solidify the fact that we will not give up and move to Hawai'i because once we give her this money, we'd better get an adoption to happen. It's not refundable and it's a lot.

But as I type this, I don't feel much of anything. I really feel like I don't care about anything. I know this cannot wholly be true, but I just can't seem to have an opinion about anything. This is strange as someone who always uses 'opinionated' as the one word to describe herself.

Should I be worried?


craptastic_mail said...

You shouldn't be worried, but you should be aware of your feelings. And it sounds like you are!

You are experiencing many of the same emotions I had. So I'd say you're normal!

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Honestly, a little worried? Enough to go talk to a counselor and get their gut opinion?

I'm just sending a hug.

Kelly said...

I think you should be aware of how you're feeling, and it sounds like you are. I'm glad you're going to talk with the therapist. That's a great thing to do when you're a little worried about how you're feeling. What you describe is exactly how I've been feeling lately, and I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one. Hang in there!

niobe said...

Mmmm...obviously, you know yourself best, so you might try seeing what you feel might make you feel a little bit better (since a good chunk of it is probably situational, I would probably try shooting for a little bit better, rather than a lot better, but maybe that's just me).

It sounds like you're already looking into some options that might help. Though sometimes (and, again, maybe it's just me) I've found that, no matter how hard I tried, I had to just wait those sad, empty feelings out -- that the only thing that really helped was time. But I'm hoping that's not the case for you.

hope548 said...

It sounds like self preservation to me. A few years back I went completely numb and didn't worry about anything. It's a relief not to worry, but you don't want to completely disconnect. I hope you feel happier soon.

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

Ahhh a girl after my own heart.

I too am an opinionated gal and when I lose that ability to be opinionated, thats when I know all is not right with me.

I don't think you should be overly worried, maybe talking to someone on the "outside" would help but don't beat yourself up too much, it's perfectly normal what you're feeling!


Anonymous said...

Honestly? I thimk you've been very depressed for a long time. it's not the kind of depression that most people notice, because you go to work, you pay your bills, you laugh at stupid stuff, you enjoy yourself - except that it often feels like you're living in someone else's body, no? Wondering why they're laughing...

...the inside looking out, if you will. I think it would not be a bad idea to see a counselor - one who deals with fertility issues.