Almost go time

Spoke to N today. She reassured me that she would not be changing her mind. She wants me in the delivery room and she wants to see us a few times before we leave for home. She definitely wants to keep in touch, which is more than ok by me.

She says the baby has dropped and she's feeling contractions in her back. She thinks it's only going to be a couple of days before she goes into labor. She has a monitoring appointment tomorrow. She may call for the appointment so I can hear.

There has always been a question of paternity for this baby. She really thought it was B but now that she thinks she might be going into labor, she is unsure. Because B has been there for her throughout her pregnancy, he considers himself the birth father.

This is freaking me out a little bit. The other potential father is African American, so I guess we will figure it out eventually. We have known this all along, and it obviously has pretty huge implications for our family. We may not even know when the baby is born, as complexion changes over time. T and I have discussed this and we know if the baby is biracial then we will have to make some extra effort in our lives that we would not if the baby is white. We are willing to do this. We understand its implications.

But we don't know when to bring this up with our families. We have not mentioned this as a possibility to them, and we don't really want to unless it is necessary.

So, more freaking out by me. N is 37 weeks, according to dates by ultrasound. We think she would be 41 weeks if B is not the father, but who really knows. Dates are difficult to remember about these things.

School Troubles

Henry has been having real trouble in school. He was asked to reduce the number of days he attends because other parents are complaining about his behavior and he is disrupting the entire class.

This morning when I dropped him off, we talked about making good choices. He should do 2 things.

1) Listen to the teachers
2) Keep his hands to himself

As he talked about making good choices at school while we were still in the car, his eyes started to well up with tears.

This is the first time I've seen signs from him that he wants to make good choices but is having a difficult time doing so. I asked him if it was difficult and he said no. I was hoping he might say yes, but he could just be afraid to say that.

I ask him all the time how we can help him make good choices, but he always says he doesn't know.

My poor boy is really struggling and I don't know how to help him. I don't want him to feel bad about himself. He is truly a wonderful kid. He is doing great in the integrated special ed school. This school where he is having trouble is just not set up for a kid like him.

I am at a crossroads and I don't know what to do.

Still waiting for the glasses to come in.

We haven't filled out the paperwork for the new adoption attorney. I just don't have time with all that is going on with Henry.

I am exhausted.

Sad again

This episode has made me sad again. I am so ready for a baby *right now* that I'm just not sure how to proceed.  I have no particular interest in experiencing pregnancy. I am much more interested in expediency. I'm just not sure which route will be faster.

I mean, if we do this embryo donation thing, which I'm not even sure is likely because the potential west coast donor has not been particularly communicative with us unless we're being really forward, then it's going to be a year before a baby. Without question.

If we just wait, there is the possibility that a baby could come sooner. But it's also possible it would take even longer than a year.

All I know is that this really sucks and I'm sad. And the check engine light on my car came on this morning and I'm kind of pissed about it. And I still miss my dog a lot (even though I have to admit life is much easier without him here). But I just miss him.

I feel so lonely all of the time. Staying at home can be such a challenge sometimes because I am extremely extroverted, and talking with other adults helps me unwind and relax. I don't get to do that particularly often. I find myself jealous when people post on "Face Space" that they have a meeting. Meetings suck -- I remember well -- but I just wish I could be in a room with adults only for an hour and talk about something that doesn't involve going to the bathroom or making a mess.

Hoo boy, I am a mess right now. And I don't even have PMS.

Blah.