More searching

I called a new attorney in FL to expand our search. It's more money on top of all the money we lost on our failed match. But as my husband says, it's just money and we are very lucky that we can do this without jeopardizing our financial security.

I am so tired of waiting and getting older. I fear that H and his sibling will be too far apart in age to enjoy each other.

I want this all to have happened yesterday. I am impatient.

So, we will throw more money at this problem and hope that it settles quickly. But just calling this new attorney sent me to tears. I hope I can do this.

On the inside

On the outside, I am doing fine.

On hold

T and I have decided to put this whole embryo donation thing on hold. Our west coast donors haven't been responsive. I don't have a strong desire to be pregnant. Things are crazy busy. We are hopeful a traditional adoption will come through within the next year. For now we are putting the embryo donation process on hold.

Sad again

This episode has made me sad again. I am so ready for a baby *right now* that I'm just not sure how to proceed.  I have no particular interest in experiencing pregnancy. I am much more interested in expediency. I'm just not sure which route will be faster.

I mean, if we do this embryo donation thing, which I'm not even sure is likely because the potential west coast donor has not been particularly communicative with us unless we're being really forward, then it's going to be a year before a baby. Without question.

If we just wait, there is the possibility that a baby could come sooner. But it's also possible it would take even longer than a year.

All I know is that this really sucks and I'm sad. And the check engine light on my car came on this morning and I'm kind of pissed about it. And I still miss my dog a lot (even though I have to admit life is much easier without him here). But I just miss him.

I feel so lonely all of the time. Staying at home can be such a challenge sometimes because I am extremely extroverted, and talking with other adults helps me unwind and relax. I don't get to do that particularly often. I find myself jealous when people post on "Face Space" that they have a meeting. Meetings suck -- I remember well -- but I just wish I could be in a room with adults only for an hour and talk about something that doesn't involve going to the bathroom or making a mess.

Hoo boy, I am a mess right now. And I don't even have PMS.

Blah.

Not happening

I just heard from the adoption agency. The expectant mom is no longer returning their phone calls. This whole thing was possibly a ruse to do something about the relationship between expectant mom and expectant dad.

Sigh.

Oh well.

We cancelled a bunch of embryo donation meetings in the hope that this thing might work out. Now I am again re-thinking the whole embryo donation thing.

I am so confused about what to do next.

And another thing

Just got a call from the adoption agency about an expectant mom with a baby due in two weeks.

There is virtually no information, but we are potentially interested. We are awaiting more medical information about mom and baby.

This is crazy. I have no idea where this is going to go. My head is spinning. I'm not sure whether or not to be excited.

But we are going to be presented to an expectant mom who is due very soon. Not having a long match would be so ideal at this point.

We will see where this wave takes us.

Sent

I just sent an email to the west coast people asking if they think they would move forward with us. I feel like I am in limbo and I can't stand it. I hope I wasn't too pushy. We hadn't heard from them in a while and I'm PMSy and not in a good place today and I felt like I had to do something.

We have a meeting with a lawyer next week and a social worker regarding using donor gametes and my cycle is going to come to an end and I want to know if we might be committed to this.

If they don't want to donate to us that's fine, but I just want to KNOW.

So, I sent the email. I had T read it and he thought it was well written and not too pushy but asking to move forward. And as he said, if this email makes them not want to donate to us then they probably weren't the right match to begin with.

I just want to *do* something.

And then there was one

I just got an email from the local embryo donor possibility. She used donor gametes and her contract with the donor states she cannot donate them to another person for birthing. So, now I have to hope the west coast people want to donate to us.

I have to admit I am thrown for a loop and sad.

But now we don't have to make a decision. The decision will be made for us.

I hope the west coast people choose us. I hope I want them. They seem kind of high maintenance, but maybe that's just me.  We talked to them via skype this past weekend and I truly liked them as people.

I'm back to freaking out about this. But I guess I can cancel my appointment with the RE where the local embryos were stored.

Decisions

How do I go about making these decisions?

I'm not even sure the west coast people want to give us the embryos. They are highly committed to a very open relationship. We are fine with that, but it will definitely be some work.  Their embryos are older, but are frozen in separate straws and there are five.

The other person would definitely give her embryos to us. There are only three of them and I believe they are all in one straw. But they are much newer and I could have the FET at the original clinic where they were frozen.

I still have a million more appointments at clinics and my HSG tomorrow and I have to find a lawyer. But we don't really know how to decide.

Another Nibble

I just got an email from someone else who is interested in donating embryos to us. They are local. The other nibble is all the way on the west coast.

The west coast people had been matched and rejected previously.

But it would be SO MUCH EASIER to do it locally.

Ack. We haven't had an "official" match with the west coast couple but I would hate for them to feel abandoned again.

But if we could go ahead with a local donation, we could possibly do a cycle sooner.

Yikes. I didn't anticipate this being an issue.

Nibble

I had planned to write a post this morning about how I knew it was going to be difficult to find an embryo but I had greatly underestimated how difficult it would in fact be. Finding a donated embryo is really a challenge.  But I got a nibble this morning.

No match has been made, but there is someone who just may be interested in donating embryos to us. Nothing for sure. Trying to not keep my hopes up too high. And of course, the FET could be a failure and all of this will have been for naught.

But we will see where this goes.

My god going back into a fertility clinic sucks.

I'm doing day 3 & 10 blood testing and an HSG again.  Hurray. (NOT)

I talk to my mom every morning. When I talk to her, I try not to sound too sad, but inevitably she says, "You sound sad." I am sad. I tell her I am sad. I will be sad for a while. I am okay, but I am sad.

I know she loves me and she doesn't want me to be sad. Being a parent makes me understand this more than I used to. But I need room to be sad. It's completely appropriate for me to be sad. I am allowed. It's only been a couple of weeks since all of this happened. Just let me be sad.

I ran in to a friend of a friend the other day. She asked how I was. I was honest. She lost her husband about 10 years ago, way too young and with a young child. How devastated she must have been. I can only imagine. But she is remarried and has a second child with her new husband. Seeing her doing well was a little helpful. She had a great, sudden loss but she has been able to move on. That has been the most helpful thing for me so far.

I have the appointment with the RE this afternoon. I still haven't looked for some embryos. I guess I want a kind of a timeline and a cost estimate first. Part of me really doesn't want to do this. I think I'm sort of hoping a baby materializes out of nowhere and then I won't have to go do this. But I have this sneaking suspicion that won't happen and we will try this. I am very hesitant, but just waiting and doing nothing feels awful right now. Either way, a baby a year from now is probably the quickest thing.

How did you start healing from your personal tragedies?

Trying new things

Over the long weekend T and I implemented a new chart system for Henry and it started off really well. His behavior got SO MUCH better. It's only been a couple of days and we've had some rocky times, but we are going to continue with this new system.

Henry is very difficult to motivate. Sometimes he cares about pleasing and about getting stickers, but sometimes he truly does not. This makes consistency difficult.

T also made me find a new therapist. I loved my old therapist but I think it's time for me to find a new one. I haven't seen the old one for a while and I love her and would recommend her to anyone and everyone, I just feel the need to move on. I found a new one and she had a cancellation today. I will be leaving to meet her shortly.

We have an appointment with an RE on Friday to talk about a donor embryo cycle. I guess I need to find some donor embryos. I guess we might try this? I haven't really done much about searching for embryos yet. I suppose I will figure it out next week after this appointment.

I really miss my dog. A lot. I think having a baby would have distracted me more from the dog being gone, but since there is no baby and there is no dog, I am lonely. Henry is going to school during the summer part time and I am here, trying to get things done, alone in my house.

I feel empty inside.

I am getting through my days and getting things done. I talk to people and I act fine. But when I am alone in my house or in my bed trying to sleep, all I can do is cry.

I hope I can find some comfort somewhere.

Losing it

I feel like I am losing my shit.

All this emotion is really hitting me hard right now. I think I am PMS-y which makes it worse. Henry's behavior has gone downhill and he is being really challenging right now.

My job is to parent my son and I feel like I am failing at it right now.

I feel like I have lost control of him. I don't know if he's feeling all the emotions from the past couple of weeks and he is acting out because of it. He has been having behavior issues all along and we've recently been getting some more interventions. He switched schools for the summer so maybe it's just all the changes that have been going on lately, but he has been so much worse and so out of control.

I am lost in a sea of misery right now.

Discussion

So, the director of our adoption agency called yesterday. She felt really bad about the adoption falling through and told me she is going to make a few phone calls on our behalf and has put us at the top of her priority list in terms of finding a match. I thought that was really nice.

All things being equal, I think I'd rather an adoption match work out. I will explore embryo donation, and I would do it too, but the idea of going back to the RE and the IVF operating rooms just freaks me out. Also, as someone who has come to terms with never gestating a live child, to go back is really difficult emotionally. Some people might be super excited at the prospect, I suppose, but I guess I had just completely given up on it that the idea of going back to hoping is just terrifying.

We want to do whatever is fastest, so I guess for now we are technically going down both roads. I have no idea what is going to happen.

On board

T is on board with exploring the donated embryo option. His biggest concern is FET success rates. They seem to be under 40%, even with donor gametes.

I'm not sure I could do more than one try, but I kind of want to try it just the once.

I'm trying to schedule some consults to see if we can get things ironed out.

I never thought this would happen.

So

So now that this match failed, it's got me thinking about embryo adoption again. Sigh. Not sure that it's what we're going to to, but I've found myself googling and emailing about it.

I don't think T is on board with it, especially given the nature of the embryo donation agencies. But it's a tiny thought in the back of my mind now.

We are back active on the list with the attorney in FL.

Not great

I feel like my family has been ripped apart. I am empty inside. I miss my dog. It's difficult to walk by the empty room with the baby stuff in it. I want to scream, but I don't know what I want to say.

I am sad.

My  life looked so different last week.

There will be no baby

She decided to parent.

All I can think is, "I should have known."

I don't know how I am going to make Henry understand this.