Friday, July 12, 2013

I talk to my mom every morning. When I talk to her, I try not to sound too sad, but inevitably she says, "You sound sad." I am sad. I tell her I am sad. I will be sad for a while. I am okay, but I am sad.

I know she loves me and she doesn't want me to be sad. Being a parent makes me understand this more than I used to. But I need room to be sad. It's completely appropriate for me to be sad. I am allowed. It's only been a couple of weeks since all of this happened. Just let me be sad.

I ran in to a friend of a friend the other day. She asked how I was. I was honest. She lost her husband about 10 years ago, way too young and with a young child. How devastated she must have been. I can only imagine. But she is remarried and has a second child with her new husband. Seeing her doing well was a little helpful. She had a great, sudden loss but she has been able to move on. That has been the most helpful thing for me so far.

I have the appointment with the RE this afternoon. I still haven't looked for some embryos. I guess I want a kind of a timeline and a cost estimate first. Part of me really doesn't want to do this. I think I'm sort of hoping a baby materializes out of nowhere and then I won't have to go do this. But I have this sneaking suspicion that won't happen and we will try this. I am very hesitant, but just waiting and doing nothing feels awful right now. Either way, a baby a year from now is probably the quickest thing.

How did you start healing from your personal tragedies?

1 comment:

thatcamelwoman said...

It's a cliche, but time. I lost twin daughters (born premature and both died) over 20 years ago. I spent about 10 years waiting to 'get over it'. The real healing began when I realized that I would never, in fact, get over it. But, that I could live with it. It's possible to survive great traumas and in time, go on to be very happy again. Some sadness always stays, but very few of us get through life without some great sadness. Acceptance is key. I wish you well and send you love x