Saturday, March 08, 2008

Insurance freak out

I'm really worried that we are going to be denied coverage for our IUIs. If that happens I'm ready to sic lawyers on them, though, because we have previously been approved to have an injectable dIUI cycle with this insurance company (right before my most recent miscarriage) and because I'm certain they would approve and IUI with T's sperm and their expenses aren't any different from that scenario because we aren't asking them to pay for the donated sperm. I'm just worried about the time it will take and my emotional state if we do get rejected.

I know I shouldn't worry about this stuff and worry just makes things worse, but I am a natural worrier by nature and I just can't help it. I try to stop myself when I find myself freaking out about it, but so many things I do at home allow for a lot of internal reflection, and I just think and worry. Sewing, knitting, cooking and cleaning all allow for a racing mind.

We better watch a movie.

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I'm feeling sad. I feel like I'm surrounded by people who are pregnant and having babies, both infertile and not. I feel so left behind in the process of starting a family. We are no further along than we were over two years ago, and we still have a year or two more to go before we could possibly even begin to have a family.

And I mailed something to my niece and I guess I didn't seal the envelope properly and I guess the thing fell out of it or someone took it. I don't know why this bothers me so much, but it just feels like another way I've failed. I understand that this is pretty stupid, but it's a card for an old digital camera, and we're not sure if those cards are available anymore and because of my stupidity and carelessness, my niece may never be able to use the camera we gave her.

I just feel so useless sometimes.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I feel like you do too! I am surrounded by babies/children. I work as an early intervention specialist. I love the kids, but it gets harder and harder to do this. Everyday the fact that I have no kids and probably never will have kids gets slapped in my face. My husband (53 y/o) (I am 44 y/o with PCOS) really has no interest in our having kids which absolutely BREAKS my heart! You might say why did you marry him then? He had agreed to "try" when we were dating and then 3 years later - AFTER we get married, he changed his mind and failed to tell me. Life sucks! I'm happy for people who have babies, but nobody seems to reach out to me and quite honestly, it makes me feel like a big LOSER.

Shel said...

I'm just visiting your blog for the first time... and what a sad post! I just wanted to say hi and let you know you're not alone in this. It's really really hard. I hope things turn around for you soon!

My Reality said...

I know the feelings of being left behind so well. You aren't alone.

Almamay said...

Sadly you are not alone. There are tons of us. People I went to high school with are grandparents. I'm THAT old.

I am cheering you on. x

Evil Stepmonster said...

I know how you feel. After a failed cycle, I feel like every little failure or problem just snowballs to prove I am the most pathetic person in the world. Thankfully these feelings don't last forever.

Anonymous said...

you are not alone.... i truly feel the same way- that i do not know anyone who is now not a mother, even though i began trying before ALL of them...

it sucks...