Thursday, March 20, 2008

Irony. Or not.

I talked to my RE's financial coordinator. She basically said we had pretty much no hope for being covered because a genetic defect is not a qualifier for using donor sperm under the rules of my insurance company. This is ironic because we were so excited to get my insurance so we could move on. I think we may have had coverage with T's insurance (though not at my current RE's office) and we were so eager to switch. We can't even go back to just doing monitored Cl0mid cycles with a trigger because now that our request has opened a can of worms and created a need for a semen analysis, they won't cover anything until they get that SA and T's SA will be normal.

So, we may have T do the SA, get rejected and have a lawyer write a letter. That is our only hope, and it is a slim one since according to the law, we are not infertile.

Or, we may go to another clinic and do a Cl0mid IUI using OPKs and just pay out of pocket.

Or both.

This is really hitting me hard. I kind of expected a rejection, but it's hitting me hard anyway. I am really coming to realize that although I have been pregnant four times, the chances of me ever giving birth to a child is extremely low. I will most likely never bear a child. Ever. Yes, I know that I can parent, but this loss feels huge to me right now. It's almost like finding out about our infertility all over again.

I really feel empty inside today. I am feeling my losses so acutely. I don't have the will to fight anymore.

Last night T and I decided that I am going to go on bcps for one more month because there is no way I can scramble together an IUI in two weeks, and if, by miracle, we get the medicated thing approved I'd be all ready. But I'm not sure if I really should do that because the chances of an approval is so small. I want to stop taking bcps and just try on our own. I mean why not? What difference does it make any more?

I am so sick of making these decisions. I want to be done and have a baby on the way, but that is just not how it's going to be in my life. It is going to be finger prints and FBI checks and home visits and waiting and not knowing and possibility and rejection and more waiting. It's going to be money and more money and waiting and renewing and not knowing.

I just can't think straight anymore. I can't make logical decisions any more. Logic has left me. I am a bitter, angry shell. I'm paralyzed. I literally do not know what to do anymore.


Trace said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy.

Waiting Amy said...

Oh Rachel, I'm so sorry you are stuck in this rotten place. I'm not sure what else to say, except I'm sending hugs -- lots.

Almamay said...

Rachel I was so upset for you when I read your post. I wish you didn't have to go through this. Sending you a hug. Make it a big one.

The Town Criers said...

I think it's such a terrible feeling because you are being let down so hardcore by the system too. You pay your premiums and you have a medical problem and you can't get coverage and help even though you held up your end of the bargain. It shouldn't be like this.

I am so sorry, Rachel. This just absolutely sucks.

ultimatejourney said...

Oh, Rachel, I can't even believe how sucky this is. I hate health insurance companies. (And BS definitions of IF.) I hope you find a way to stick it to the ins co, but I understand why you might be too tired to fight.

I'm really sorry.

Natalie said...

I am just so angry at all this bull you have to deal with... you shouldn't have to. I'm just so sorry Rachel. It's so damn unfair. (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

Sorry to post anonymous - I am having trouble signing in. I am so sorry for you. It is so f-ing unfair and makes no sense at all. Why on earth would one reason for being IF be covered and another reason not? It is ridiculous. I am angry at the whole system on your behalf and hoping that something will happen to change this for you so you get the medical treatment you need.

I know that waiting is so hard when you've already been trying for so long, and it is so hard to imagine having to wait even longer for more treatment or adoption. You have already shown how strong you are, having made it this far without losing your mind (or your marriage). It sounds like you and your husband have alot of love for each other and a true devotion to building a family together. All of that love, with so much longing to share it, will make you incredible parents. Today you may be bitter and paralyzed, but you do have options in front of you, however costly and full of bureaucratic red tape and uncertainty. Somehow you'll find the patience to persist. Somehow you will make it through this! Every agonizing day that you have to wait, and every day that you persevere to fulfill your destiny adds another layer of certainty to that statement.

You will be an amazing mother. You will.

Sorry for going so long, but most of all I am sorry that you are going through this right now. I just...I hope you can find some hope to help you get to the light at the end of the tunnel.

My Reality said...

This is just so unfair. I just don't get it. I am sorry you are having to fight the insurance companies so hard.

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

I don't know what to say...except that I hope you find your way out of this hole....


Katie said...

That is so awful for you.

I think if that happened in the UK the IUI part might be available on the NHS but the couple would have to pay for the donor sperm part.

Delenn said...

I am so sorry. This really sucks. I hope there is some way around these obstacles, and I wish I had some advice.