Off

We leave for vacation tomorrow morning. We're going off the grid. No cell phones, no computers, just books and trees and each other. (And the dog.)

I'm really looking forward to it.

August is just about here. We keep talking about preparing for this possible arrival. People expect me to be excited about it. I don't feel the least bit excited right now. I do feel a little nervous, but I guess I don't really think it's going to work out. Something somewhere is going to go wrong. This has been our story for so long that I can't imagine it being any different.

Expectant mom seems to not want to talk about 'it' very much. We've talked a few times and she's happy to talk about her life and what's going on, but not about what's supposed to happen.

We don't know how much to communicate with them. We call because we want them to know we think about them, but we don't want to bother them.

So we wait. We get away. I really hope I can relax during this vacation and not worry too much. I seem to always find something to worry about. I was worried about work this morning, but now that I'm away from work I'm not worried about it. So I find things to worry about. I worry that things are not going to work out.

500th post & pediatrician

Here's my 500th post. 3 1/2 years of blogging later and I finally might be a mom in a few weeks. It's pretty weird to imagine.

We went to visit a pediatrician today. We liked him. He was very soft spoken and laid back. The nurse in the waiting room asked noted I must not be due for a while (we were there without a child) and so I had to explain.

The doctor said he sees a lot of adopted babies. We reviewed the health history of the birth parents and he said that unless the expectant mom was drinking heavily or doing hard core drugs, then there was really no significance in it. He thought things sounded good.

We picked out some crib sheets that we like and think will go with the room. My mom is going to buy them for us.

We have to move the bed and a bookshelf out of that room. We have to organize the garage a bit because it's too crowded in there.

I'm leaving for the Boca area on Sunday for work until Tuesday. I work Wednesday through Friday. Saturday we're going on vacation to Vermont away from cell phone coverage and internet. We plan to read and knit a lot. Well, I plan to knit. T is just going to read. And walk and hike and sleep and generally laze about. I'm looking forward to it very much.

When we come back it will be August 8. That leaves about a week until the due date.

cranky

I'm feeling cranky today. Nothing quite worked out right. It was one of those days when I wanted a do-over.

People are pissing me off. The comments that people are making regarding things that are happening in the news is pissing me off. Sometimes this country drives me crazy. I try really hard to respect people and their varying opinions, but sometimes I just feel sad when people interpret certain things in certain ways. I am sure other people feel the same way about my thoughts, though. They're sad for me because of the way I interpret certain things. I suppose I can see how to agree to disagree, at least on some level, but I don't see how we can compromise, and that makes me feel like I don't understand how we can elect a government that will make decisions that will represent our beliefs.

I know I'm being really vague here, but I don't feel like getting into specifics. I just sometimes get upset about the way things are™.

We have a company outing tomorrow. On Sunday I go to Florida for work for a couple of days. Then I work 3 days and then is our vacation. I simply cannot wait for our vacation. I need a vacation so desperately. My ability to focus and accomplish things is highly compromised, though when we come back the baby will be due any minute so I don't know how things will be any better. We have so much crap to do.

I'm so exhausted.

Oh, and my next post will be my 500th.

expectant dad

We spoke with expectant dad on the phone this evening. He was great. He's a little more reluctant about the adoption plan, but he knows it's best for them. We could just hear in his voice how much he wished he could parent this boy and it's just so hard.

We assured him this child would know how much he loves him. We assured him that we would let him know how this boy is doing on a regular basis. We said to him that we could possibly meet face to face at some point. We created an email address just for them to send us emails.

He told us he definitely knows that this is the right thing for his child -- he wants this child to have what he knows he cannot give the boy. But it so clearly hurts that he cannot provide this to the boy.

He asked if we were nervous and excited. We told him we were. We are.

But we are also sad for their loss.

Done

MIL went back home. It's funny -- it's sad to see her go, but I'm so glad she's gone. It would be nice if she could live closer, but both T and I tried to bring it up and she has no interest in moving out here.

After we dropped MIL off at the airport, we went to buy dog food. There is a Bab1es.R.U$ in the same mall, and we actually went in there and looked at car seats. I only had a couple of mini-panics, but I didn't even come close to tears. We learned some stuff and we need to do some more research.

We also walked over the the furniture department. Yikes. My parents wanted to buy us a crib. Everything looked so HUGE to me.

Since we were on a roll, I called my brother and SIL asking if we could come by and see their old furniture. I honestly liked what they had much more than anything in the store. I think we may use all of that and just buy a new mattress, pads, etc.

I've also been looking into eco-diapering. We're thinking about doing these new-fangled cloth diapers or g.D1apers. With disposables when necessary.

We didn't buy anything or bring anything home. All this will be done when we know things are truly going to happen. But I allowed myself to think about all of these things.

Intellectually I know this may happen and I'm letting myself plan a little, but I don't truly feel it inside. I don't feel hopeful or excited or optimistic. I just want to prepare as much as I can. And I know that despite holding back hope and excitement that if things fall through, I'm going to be devastated. But I'm not sure I'll be surprised.

Out at work

I told my boss and HR today.

I was really scared. I cried a little while telling them. But it does feel like a monkey off of my back.

They were supportive and happy for me. I mentioned the caution and how I didn't want people to know until papers were signed, just in case we left and I came back a few days later without a baby. They seemed to get it.

The HR woman had a friend who was matched and the birth mother decided to parent after the baby was born. So I feel she does get it a little bit.

My boss has a crazy family story, but is pretty open about it. I'm more worried about her saying something. She said that she'd say, 'Family issues' or 'Personal issues' when she was informing people that they may have to take over some of my work. I think she's going to consult me before she decides how she's going to split up my responsibilities and maybe I'll have some control over it, but we'll see.

But I do feel some relief that I came clean.

Now I just have to worry about whether I will indeed come home with a baby or not. And a bunch of other stuff.

Exhausted

I'm just so tired. Can't write paragraphs.

• B-dog did terrible where we boarded him. He broke a window screen and whined and peed in the house.
  
• MIL is having fun but driving me a little batty. Ok, a lot batty.
  
• Car appointment Friday.
• Visiting two new boarding places for B-dog this weekend.
• Pediatrician visit next Thursday.
• Telling work next week. I can tell HR at the beginning of the week, but don't think I'll have time to tell my boss until Friday. Is that bad? My boss has such a big mouth. I'm totally nervous.
  
• Office outing Thursday.
• Still can't really think.
• The dog is still waking up super early. I'm not getting enough sleep.
• B-dog is super clingy after being boarded for one night. I'm worried about what it's going to be like when we're gone for almost two weeks.
• Work is getting busy and I can't focus. It sucks.
• TOO MUCH GOING ON!
  

MIL is here

My MIL is here from Oregon. We're taking her to Martha's Vineyard tomorrow for one night. We're boarding B-dog for the first time. It's only one night, but I hope he does okay. I think he might miss us, but he doesn't suffer from any separation anxiety, so I think he'll be okay. We went over to visit the house of the person he'll stay with and he totally peed in her house twice. I felt *really* bad about that. :( But she has dogs everywhere and he's never really been in anybody else's house. Still, it's a bad precident.

I think I've pinched something in my hip. I'm having a hard time standing up for more than 5 minutes. When I sit I'm fine, but standing up I get pain and numbness all the way down to my ankle. I need to get this fixed. I went to the chiropractor today, but it didn't really make a difference.

T's been having migraines lately. We wonder if it's stress from all this adoption stuff. They're really bad and it sucks.

MIL is a lovely lady, but we don't have much to talk about and she tends to not want to sit in silence and just talks and talks to fill in the lulls.

I'm supposed to talk with expectant mom again this evening. I called during the day, but she was napping. She asked that I call later tonight, so I will. She had a doctor's appointment on Friday. She said that everything is good, and she is having a 3 hour glucose test on Monday.

Time is going both incredibly quickly and incredibly slowly. I guess I will tell work that I plan to return, even though I think I probably won't. I'm going to tell them the week of the 20th. We'll switch to T's insurance just in case. If I don't return, they'd make us pay the premium and I don't want to get stuck with that. I still am not sure I even want to return, but if they'll take me back part time, I guess I'd consider it. I can ask them if they'll consider that about a month before my 'return' date.

I think we're putting off thinking about more baby stuff until MIL goes home next Saturday.

Still freaking out.
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ETA:
Spoke with expectant mom again. Less awkward this time. This woman really expects that we are going to parent her child. I just can't wrap my mind around it. She was giving me mommy advice!

1. Have a rocking chair in the baby's room.
2. Have a good nightlight so at night you don't have to turn on a bright overhead for diaper changes or feedings.
3. A bit of information regarding formula. (Not divulged here for privacy reasons.)

She wants T to give expectant dad a call so they can talk 'guy stuff.' Told her maybe next week because MIL is here. I'll have to help with that phone call, but I think it's important to talk to him.

Also, she thinks she might have ultra-sound pictures on a disk and offered to send them over to us. She said there were some good shots. I'm not sure I can look at them, but I do want her to send them over.

I can't believe that this is actually real.

Freak out

I just looked at our employee handbook. You're supposed to give 30 days notice for FMLA. I'm supposed to give, in writing, my intention to return to work. I don't know if I'm going to return to work or not. How do I decide this?!?

I've said out loud that I'm going to ask if I can come back part time, but I'm not sure if I really want to do that or not. But the whole thing is, what if we go to Florida and come home without a baby? Then I will need this job.

I'm so scared of all of this.

I'm not sure when to tell work. I was thinking I would tell after my work trip to Florida on 7/27, but I think I have to do it earlier.

We need a pediatrician. We're going on vacation for a week on August 1st. I need to get a tune up on my car. We need to get the dog a check-up.

I have an appointment for a 'meet and greet' with a pediatrician on July 23. We haven't even seen the expectant parents' medical records yet.

I keep having appointments and missing work for sorting all this stuff out. I'm so stressed. I can't calm down. I was freaking out about organizing all the baby stuff, but it turns out that's the easy part. I feel so stressed for time! And I feel like I'm pushing the limits of missing work for all these appointments.

My MIL is coming to stay for a week. She arrives tomorrow.

I'm FREAKING OUT.
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ETA: Oh, and we can't agree on a name, either.

Can't think

I seem to not be able to do anything. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I'm not sad -- just kind of frantic and overwhelmed. I can't think straight.

The adoption attorney's paralegal said to me this morning, "In about a month, you're going to be a mom."

How am I supposed to get anything done?

Telling

We've told a few people. My parents. My brothers and their families. T should be calling his mom tonight to tell her. I told one friend because she was making plans to come to Boston around the time the baby is due (!) and normally stays with us, and I had to tell her that this probably wouldn't work out this time.

Telling is really difficult. The fourth tell was the easiest so far. I just said it. "We were matched with a potential birth mother."

There are lots of questions about her. I'm trying to answer as few of them as possible. I explain that it's our child's story and we're erring on the side of caution with keeping the information private.

I won't believe in this until it actually happens, but conversation does turn to cribs and planning and organizing the baby's room, especially from my mother. I try to push it back. Nothing is sure until it is sure. The only thing we're really thinking about buying at this time is a car seat. Everything else we would need we can get later.

We went to a fireworks show. There were, of course, tons of children there. It didn't bother us so much this time.

But it's still weird to tell. I still feel like this is all a big secret. In fact, our story is not a big secret except at work. So maybe this will feel secret until I tell someone at work, which I have decided I'm not going to do until we come back from our vacation.

I just don't want many people to know until it has really happened. This feels weird.

Sent

We just sent in all of the paperwork. They should receive it on Monday. All of our bureaucratic registry forms were sent in too. I royally messed up the fingerprints, though. Hopefully it can be straightened out, but we may have to do that over again.

I know this might actually happen, but I feel strangely unattached from this. T says I'm just protecting myself. That's probably true, but I keep thinking how what I'm currently doing will have to work differently not so long from now. Maybe.

But the paperwork is in and we'll soon be on record as the prospective adoptive parents of a baby.

We have to find a name....

Lambda Legal

Honor or Memorial Gift:	Yes
Honor/Memorial Gift Type:	In Honor of
Name(s):	Those in FL denied adoption

Parts of this don't feel good

The state where the expectant mother and father live is one of those states that created laws that bars gay people from adopting. During this journey I have not wanted to use an agency from that state, even though there are a large number of birth mothers that want to place their children who live in that state.

This situation came to us, but on the paperwork we have to fill out we both have to assert that we are not gay or bisexual.

I'm having a difficult time with this form and asserting these things. It's not right and it's not fair. At the same time, I don't know that I can walk away from these expectant parents that want to make a plan for their yet unborn son.

This is weighing heavy on me, but unfortunately I think I will make the assertion on paper. Then maybe I can make another donation to Lambda Legal. That seems so lame.
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ETA: I had to look at our financials for this state application, and though we had an almost 10% down payment and have been paying our mortgage for 4 years, we officially owe more on our house than it is now worth. The value of our home has gone down by about 25% since we bought it. Keep in mind that the median home value for a home like ours at the time we bought it was something like $375,000. That's almost $100,000.

Breathing

We are doing paperwork. CORI checks, s.ex offender registry, Dept of Children and Families, FBI fingerprints. Remember that pesky renewal packet I was complaining about a month ago? I ignored it. Now we need to step on it and get everything in so that paperwork won't be the reason that this doesn't happen.

We have to fill out applications, sign contracts, send in money.

But for now, we kind of have a match.