Friday, July 04, 2008

Independence Day

Yesterday was Baby S's second birthday. I asked E&R for a referral letter for our adoption. I also found out that E had her third miscarriage and D&C last week. That really sucks. I feel so bad for her. I knew she would get pregnant again before we had a baby, and I'm so, so sorry that she had to have another miscarriage. It's so unfair and it really, really sucks. But I'm also jealous that she was able to even get pregnant. Which is kind of silly, I suppose. She has suffered so much loss too, but she has never endured any ART and has had a live birth. Still it really sucks to have to endure so many losses. I know her son and the lack of ART is no comfort to her in this situation. A loss is a loss no matter what. It's a horrible place to be in. That being said, I'm selfishly kind of sad that they're trying again, though we had discussed it before and I knew it was coming. I thought I would be completely distraught on S's second birthday being still childless with no hope on the horizon yet. I was certain I'd be pregnant, at least by donor sperm by now. And here they are trying for #2. And failing. And having losses as we've had losses. But also having had some success. The whole thing just fucks me up and puts me in a weird place. I hate that everything about all of this stuff makes me unhappy. But it does. I'm not sure how I'm going to take E's second pregnancy. During the first one I was sure I would be pregnant at some point, if in some non-traditional manner. This time I don't have any hope for a healthy pregnancy. I could probably cope okay if we had a baby, but being childless through another pregnancy will probably really hurt.

Yesterday I was so happy and felt so lucky. My name got chosen at random to be let out of work with pay early. As I work in a call center, that is a rare occasion indeed. I never win anything out of luck. Ever. Yes, several people were chosen, but still I was convinced that this was a sign that things were going to go well for us this year and that things were looking up. But now I'm back in a dark and gloomy place.

Hopefully tonights fireworks will make me feel a bit better. I absolutely adore fireworks.

I'll leave you with some more pictures of our trip.

Badlands National Park, South Dakota.

Me on Jackalope. Wall Drug, SD. (Ignore my fat rolls, please.)

Devil's Tower, WY.

Yellowstone National Park, WY


Lollipop Goldstein said...

I think it's all part of the package; that cycle of emotions. And I'm sorry you're in this space today after the high of yesterday. May things keep moving so you're out of this current emotional place soon.

Trace said...

Beautiful scenery!! I'm sooo envious. It looks pretty awesome!

Samantha said...

I hate how IF messes with emotions like that. It's so hard to know how to relate to other's people situations, that even when they suck, you feel jealous. I hope you feel more comfortable about this soon.

luna said...

great pix! sounds like you had a great vacation.

Gumby said...

Ahhhhh... you saw the Jackalope. Pretty freaky, huh?
I think my comment when I finally saw one was "WTF?!"

Anyway, I hope you thoroughly enjoyed your trip!