Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Home Study Visit #1

I cried. During and after.

I feel so empty and alone. And I don't feel one bit of hope at this point. Even though intellectually I know it will work out in the end, I cannot bring myself to truly believe that will happen. And we have been warned and know that it will take a long time, so I have to steel myself for that wait. It will most likely take more than a year. Probably closer to a year and a half. A year and a half ago I thought that IVF with PGD would work for us. A year and a half is a damn long time.

The interview was informal and went generally well. She could see my sadness and I couldn't keep it in. She said that she could tell we weren't feeling hopeful. I hope that's not bad.

I know we are moving forward. I know that we will write a dear birthparent letter and make a book and it will be shown to people and some day, someone will choose us to parent the child that they created.

But it doesn't feel real. The concept that this possibility exists doesn't make me feel any better. It doesn't make me feel like I might be a mom someday.

I only feel pain and failure and misery. I just feel like I've missed out on what so many people take for granted. I see only empty time left where we wait and wait and wait some more.

Haven't we already done this? Yes, there were differences. I do not have to inject myself with hormones or spread my legs for some doctor or midwife. But it's still all of this fake "trying" while nothing happens and we just get disappointed.

Why, why, why do we have to do it again?

8 comments:

Samantha said...

I'm sorry you feel so without hope, Rachel. I have heard that the home study can cause you to relive a lot of the negative emotions of infertility. I think you are taking steps forward, I only wish it could go faster for you.

My Reality said...

I am glad the process is moving along. I fear the home study.

Just keep remembering that you don't have to rely on your body to do this. This may be a long road, but there is a baby at the end of it.

Dramalish said...

I don't know why it has to be so hard, sometimes.
I too, am doing those things we do when we want to have hope, but just can't seem to muster it.

It will happen. We must hold on to that.
Hugs,
-D.

Natalie said...

I'm so sorry you feel so much sorrow. This is truly the worst part of the process - whether adopting or doing IVF or just waiting and trying... it's the not knowing. When we hit the point where we don't think it's ever going to happen... well it's a dark, dark hole. And I hope you can find light in there someday, hopefully someday soon. I have so much hope for you still. You will make a WONDERFUL parent and I really really hope they see that. But just going through the process has to be so frustrating, so demeaning in some ways... being judged, being weighed and considered. It's so unfair, all of it. :(

luna said...

it's so hard embarking on a new process, with all the uncertainty and unknown, the new timeline, the new things that will be beyond our control. I waver between feeling hopeful and exhausted by it all, and our home study hasn't even begun.

I'm glad you made it through the first visit. but this process brings to the surface so many issues. our facilitator seemed pretty adamant about undergoing some counseling to help resolve infertility issues and loss, since adoption has its whole own set of emotions too...

hope you are doing something good to pass the time in the meantime...

Mountain Girl said...

I feel the "no hope" feelings too. It's even harder because I work with children and see some numbskulled parents who keep popping babies out and they can NOT take care of them. It hurts so badly. I hope your adoption journey goes quickly to a baby. I'm not sure that my husband is convinced to adopt so...Hang in there! I'm pulling for you!

B said...

A year and a half is a very very long time.

I struggle with learning how to live instead of just "waiting". Waiting, waiting, waiting.

And so desperate when you have no idea how long till the end is in sight!

Waiting with you - if that counts for anything.

Barbs

niobe said...

Since you've tried so many different avenues and had so many different kinds of losses, it must be awfully hard to imagine that anything will actually work out the way you want it to.

And I wish I had something more comforting to say.