We didn't

We didn't have the baby making sex a second time. I still have no idea when I ovulated. I'll start the progesterone tonight as I must have ovulated by now. My b00bs have definitely been sore for the past several days.

Alas, this is the way of things.

Going to a bbq today even though it's supposed to rain. My parents are coming over tomorrow with a 'surprise' that is supposed to make the two of us 'very excited.' I have no idea.

Fertile time

Well, I had more fertile cm today, so now we have to see if T and I can manage to get down to business again. Ah, to remember a time when it didn't seem so daunting to do these things. The other night was great, but today we are tired and T had a headache all day and I went out with some former co-workers and we both went to bed too late last night and on and on. I'll be shocked if we can make it. But there is the egg white staring at me, taunting.

Damn this process.

Just damn it.

Progesterone

Because I'm so anti-cycle these days, I'm not doing very good in terms of tracking my ovulation. I do check my cm, but that's about it. Yesterday was peak fertile cm, I think. Today is cd 13. I normally ovulate on cd 13 or 14, though I have ovulated later. Hubby and I managed to get it on yesterday, so I know the timing isn't too bad. I haven't seen any fertile cm today. But I'm not temping. Have I ovulated yet?

Why do I need to know whether I've ovulated? Not for counting purposes, no. Because I have fucking low progesterone and I need to take progesterone supplements. And if I take progesterone before ovulating, I probably won't ovulate. Sigh.

I wish I could ignore all of this crap.

So, I guess I can start the supplements tomorrow? I was thinking of starting tonight, but I'm worried. Is tomorrow okay? Help?

I'm not taking one tonight, just in case. I'll decide about tomorrow later. Gotta go pee and check for cm.

Sigh. I'm never away from cycling. Never.

Thoughts on not cycling

For some reason, I don't think we're going to do a dIUI this month. I am on cd 11, but I've had pre-fertile cm since Saturday. That just seemed so early to me, but now that I'm counting days on my fingers, maybe it's not so early. I suppose I could call tomorrow morning and schedule to have T pick it up either later that day or on Wednesday. But actually we bought a car this weekend and T is picking it up on Tuesday after work. (We needed a new one because we're giving the old one to MIL.) So picking up the vial tomorrow won't really work. So, we could pick it up Wednesday. But I just don't have a good feeling about the timing of this cycle.

I'm not sure what's going on with me and why I just don't want to do an IUI this cycle, but I don't. I think I'd be lying if I said it had nothing at all to do with the work issues regarding the note, etc that I'm simply trying to avoid dealing with. I got a letter last week saying my PCP is changing practices, so I need to set up an appointment with a new PCP and have an initial visit, etc. I know which doctor I'm going to switch to, but involves taking more time off work and stuff like that. Actually, I'm thinking of setting up an appointment with him for the day after we come back from OR because we took one extra day off. That way I don't have to switch shifts or take time off to change my PCP.

I guess I just feel like enough crap is going on right now and I just don't want to cycle. I don't. I hate it. I don't want to go and have this stupid insemination with the stupid donor sperm. Fuck it. I could perhaps cycle by (gasp) having sex with my husband, but I think that's about where I am right now. We need to focus on getting that damn adoption application completed and budgeting for the new car and preparing our delightful road trip across the country. No cycling with donor sperm until we get back. I have decided it.

T, of course, supports any decision I make because he is just wonderful like that. I thank my stars for my wonderful husband every day. As awful as this road has been, I know how lucky I am that he has been along side me for its entirety and we really have never been far apart in the decision making process. As unlucky as we have been in the infertility world, we are equally lucky that we were able to find each other. I know that's cheesy, but it's also completely true. I have the best husband in the world.

Ok. So no dIUI #7 until we come back from our road trip, which means July. We will probably try on our own and we NEED to finish that application that is like an albatross around our necks. We're really, really close and I know we can do it. We have paid for storage for the sperm for about another whole year, so we don't need to be in a rush to finish it up, except for the whole mentally moving on thing. But I know we need to fill out an adoption application anyway because I can't imagine a scenario where we will never adopt. (Actually, in my deepest thoughts I sort of can imagine it, but I know it's dumb fantasy with no basis in reality so I'm trying really hard to ignore it.)

I'm going to work on the application RIGHT NOW. I will also do some yard work and do some grilling later today. The weather is wonderful and we have the day off.

And not to be forgotten: the fallen soldiers who have given their lives to defend this country. No matter how this government got into the messes -- right or wrong -- the bravery and sacrifice of our soldiers should never be forgotten.

One month from today

One month from today T and I will be leaving on a road trip. We are driving out to Oregon to give my MIL T's old car. We will take a week to drive out there and are hoping to stop by some fun roadside attractions. We are also planning on going to Yellowstone for a day. Recommendations of places to visit are welcome!

Today work completely sucked. I'll leave it at that. I almost broke down in tears, but I didn't. It was bad. I'm so glad today is over. I just ate ice cream and later I will have a beer. I hate crap days at work.

I just can't wait to go away. I'm a little nervous about so much driving time, but I've always wanted to drive across the country and now is the right time to do it. My MIL needs a new car, and the car is a hybrid so it will save her gas money. We will have a long-needed vacation and we will see things we've never seen. I will go to some states I have never been to before. We will not have to go to work. I'm excited about it -- a little nervous too, but really excited. I can't wait to just go away and leave everything behind.

Why

Why do I feel as if each weekday I wake up on the wrong side of the bed? I had a cranky week last week with Mother's Day and my birthday and all. I was hoping this week would be better. But we went to bed a little too late. I woke up this morning to exercise, and I am still feeling pretty cranky. I don't want to be cranky any more.

Well

Possible TMI to follow.

I suppose AF is here, though it's not usually like this for me. I had a full 24 hours of light spotting followed by a light flow. However, this light flow is extremely brown indicating what we like to call "old blood." We'll see how things proceed today. I expect to keep bleeding, but what does it mean that this cycle has been so weird.

I know it's paranoid and this has only happened once to me, but because I'm such a poor responder to injectables, I'm paranoid about early menopause. Could I be peri-menopausal? I realize that it's doubtful (and it probably doesn't matter since we're moving on to adoption) but I guess that after all that has happened I'm always expecting the worst.

Again, I know this is just paranoia on my part. I just can't help being paranoid. But AF is here, even if it's in an odd sort of way, and we are going to start thinking about dIUI #7 with only one more to go.

I put together my job history for the adoption application. Now I need to get T to do his biography and for me to finish mine. We're going to do this by the end of June. It will be done then. I demand this of ourselves.

Our friends (and T's colleagues) M&M are getting married in July. They've been engaged forever. I know they're going to start trying to have kids immediately after they get married. I've been adamant that we will have kids before they do, but I'm starting to get scared that this won't happen.

Why does infertility have to make everything so damn hard?

Still nothing

Ok, so I still have no AF. I'm usually pretty regular. I know when I ovulated. At least, I think I do. I had an LH surge on Sunday the 27 of April. I had an IUI on Monday the 28th. I ovulated on that Monday or possibly on Tuesday the 29th. Today is 14 or 15dpo. Nothing doing. I did POAS yesterday afternoon and it was totally and completely negative. As someone who can see a second line when there isn't one, I can promise you that test didn't show a hint of hcg. I have absolutely no symptoms what-so-ever. I am clearly not pregnant.

And yet still no AF.

I'm going to pee on another internet cheapie in the morning. I really don't think I'm pregnant, but where the hell is AF? I haven't taken any progesterone for 2 days. Should I start up again? I think I'll use some tonight. I know it's fooling myself, but I don't know what to do. I'm so freaking confused. I wish I would just bleed and be over with this already!

(un) happy birthday

Today is my birthday. I will drink. It is 14dpo and I have had 3 negative pee sticks but no AF as of yet. Cramps? Yes. Blood? No.

I will drink anyway. The pee sticks do not lie.

Litany

I am turning 36 on Monday.
Sunday is Mother's Day and I am still not a mother.
This cycle is another failure.
I found out I have low progesterone.
I failed a test at work.
I have had 10 jobs in the last 10 years.
We got our house painted last summer and it is already peeling.
We never went on a honeymoon.
My sisters-in-law don't really get along.
My husband has broken genetics.
I can only lose pregnancies.
My carpoolers annoy me.
In high school, one of my teachers thought I might win a Nobel Prize and now I am a customer support rep in a call center.
I failed at being a teacher.
It will most likely be more than a year before my husband and I will be parents.
My master's degree was apparently a waste of time and money.
IVF didn't work for us.
Even when we used donor sperm, I still miscarried.
To our knowledge, my husband and I have never created a healthy embryo.
Even in the adoption community, I have found it difficult to find many people with a similar experience to ours -- multiple losses and multiple failed cycles.
It is the worst time for adoption in history -- higher demand of adoptive parents and fewer babies that need to be adopted.
The economy is in the tank.
Our kitchen is messy.
I have a completely busy weekend when all I want to do is just stay in bed.
I have to work until 9pm tonight.

I'm still not in a good mood.

Things get better (not)

On Friday, which was 4dpo I went to have a blood test to check my luteal progesterone level. I called on Monday to find out the results. The Midwives place called me back but didn't give a result -- only a phone number to call back. I didn't call for a couple of days, but I called again today to get the result. I asked that they leave the actual results and whether it was normal or not as the message.

After a frustrating day at work where I had a very animated discussion with my carpoolers about politics and taking a test at work that I felt like I didn't do very well on, they left the message.

Apparently, my progesterone level is low and I should be taking supplements. My level on 4 dpo was 9.5. Does anybody know anything about this? I don't normally have a short luteal phase.

I have some progesterone from my cycles, which though it is starting to get old still has not expired. And I can get a new prescription from them. But starting on 9dpo with the progesterone is just too late. It should be earlier.

How did we not test this until now? We have been having fertility problems for two and a half years, people. I have had FOUR miscarriages including one with non-genetically problematic sperm. Why did we not know this? To say that I am incredibly frustrated by this is an understatement.

You know how some things just make you want to lie down and just completely give up? That is how I'm feeling today. I'm just so exhausted by all of this stuff. Could this be the straw that breaks the camel's back? We still have 2 more vials of donor sperm and we still will use them up. And next time I will start the progesterone immediately. I will pee on a stick on Friday. But what the hell. Sometimes I just feel like we cannot get a break of any kind.

Symptom Watch

As it is every 7th dpo, I am now on symptom watch. I am very wary as I know my symptoms always point to positive, even though most often it is a negative. I am very aware of this fact about myself. Still, I do find myself checking myself out, symptom-wise. Last month I had extremely tender breasts but no positive, so I'm dismissing even that sign. (I do have minor breast tenderness, if you care. Which probably no one does, but alas that is why I have my blog, to get out these inner thoughts of mine.)

Aaaanyway, I'm very skeptical of any symptom I may have, as I know it is meaningless. I've had symptoms and not been pregnant, just like I've been pregnant when I haven't had any. I wish I didn't check, but I just can't seem to help myself. I don't have much in the way of excited feelings if I seem to have a hint of a symptom. I know that is simply too dangerous. But here I am, sitting in symptom watch, noticing every twinge, bit of soreness or tenderness, or any other feeling I have in my body.

It's amazing how aware of my body I am during the final week of my cycle. I notice every tiny change or any slight anything that may be out of the ordinary. If I were a regular person doing regular things, I'm sure none of these symptoms would even exist to me. I am simply making them up because I want them to be there. Sure, some of these things may actually be happening in my body, but symptom watch makes me hyper aware of each and every one of them.

I wish I could let go and forget and let my week pass as it may. But I'm way too far into this thing.

Did I mention that 14 dpo is my 36th birthday?

Oh yeah. Really. It is. It's going to be a looooong week.