Friday, May 09, 2008

Litany

I am turning 36 on Monday.
Sunday is Mother's Day and I am still not a mother.
This cycle is another failure.
I found out I have low progesterone.
I failed a test at work.
I have had 10 jobs in the last 10 years.
We got our house painted last summer and it is already peeling.
We never went on a honeymoon.
My sisters-in-law don't really get along.
My husband has broken genetics.
I can only lose pregnancies.
My carpoolers annoy me.
In high school, one of my teachers thought I might win a Nobel Prize and now I am a customer support rep in a call center.
I failed at being a teacher.
It will most likely be more than a year before my husband and I will be parents.
My master's degree was apparently a waste of time and money.
IVF didn't work for us.
Even when we used donor sperm, I still miscarried.
To our knowledge, my husband and I have never created a healthy embryo.
Even in the adoption community, I have found it difficult to find many people with a similar experience to ours -- multiple losses and multiple failed cycles.
It is the worst time for adoption in history -- higher demand of adoptive parents and fewer babies that need to be adopted.
The economy is in the tank.
Our kitchen is messy.
I have a completely busy weekend when all I want to do is just stay in bed.
I have to work until 9pm tonight.

I'm still not in a good mood.

14 comments:

Waiting Amy said...

Rachel, I'm so sorry you having a black day. Hang in there. Brighter times are coming.

Sue said...

I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through. I also believe things will get better, but I know that's no comfort to you right now. I wish I lived closer so I could at least come clean your kitchen for you!

Hopeful Mother said...

Rachel, I'm thinking of you and hoping that tomorrow might be a little better. And of course, I'm hoping you will be parents soon - you deserve nothing less!

luna said...

oh rachel, that is quite a list. it sucks to fel the weight of all those things at once, I'm sorry.

I wonder if I'd feel any better if I wrote down the litany of things bothering me. maybe I'll try it.

like the pps, I'm hoping things get better soon. ~luna

niobe said...

I'm sorry. For all the items on your list and for the fact that you even had to make such a list.

JJ said...

Rachel-youve been in my thoughts a lot the past few days. Im sorry to read that you are still having a tough time--I'm praying for better days soon.

beagle said...

I'm right with . . . I turn 40 on Tuesday. Let's hope we get some good material gifts (a baby would be nice), but I'll settle for a nice distraction to get through the next week.

I'm sorry.

xo
B

My Reality said...

Thinking of you.

ultimatejourney said...

Crappy. Just crappy.

Isn't it pretty to think so said...

oh, that's a list. I'm sorry. I know you feel alone...you are not. i'm hoping all of your prayers are answered for the upcoming year!

chicklet said...

I absolutely love that you threw your messy kitchen into that list, cuz that is SOOO something I would do. I'm angry at everything right now, and what do I come home to, but more FUCKING PILES to clean up!

Your cycles suck. My cycles suck. This all f*g sucks. Tonight, I drink. HOpefully you have some bad comfort too.

Samantha said...

I'm sorry you're in the black place. I know it too, probably all too well. My thoughts are with you.

Susan said...

I'm so sorry about all those bad things. I'm sending you lots of {{hugs}} and prayers to make your sun shine again.

B said...

Balanced translocation SUCKS.

So do those other things.

Somedays it all piles on top of you don't it. It just is all a bit too heavy to carry.

I hope not all days are as hard as this one.

Thoughts with you

Barb