Monday, May 26, 2008

Thoughts on not cycling

For some reason, I don't think we're going to do a dIUI this month. I am on cd 11, but I've had pre-fertile cm since Saturday. That just seemed so early to me, but now that I'm counting days on my fingers, maybe it's not so early. I suppose I could call tomorrow morning and schedule to have T pick it up either later that day or on Wednesday. But actually we bought a car this weekend and T is picking it up on Tuesday after work. (We needed a new one because we're giving the old one to MIL.) So picking up the vial tomorrow won't really work. So, we could pick it up Wednesday. But I just don't have a good feeling about the timing of this cycle.

I'm not sure what's going on with me and why I just don't want to do an IUI this cycle, but I don't. I think I'd be lying if I said it had nothing at all to do with the work issues regarding the note, etc that I'm simply trying to avoid dealing with. I got a letter last week saying my PCP is changing practices, so I need to set up an appointment with a new PCP and have an initial visit, etc. I know which doctor I'm going to switch to, but involves taking more time off work and stuff like that. Actually, I'm thinking of setting up an appointment with him for the day after we come back from OR because we took one extra day off. That way I don't have to switch shifts or take time off to change my PCP.

I guess I just feel like enough crap is going on right now and I just don't want to cycle. I don't. I hate it. I don't want to go and have this stupid insemination with the stupid donor sperm. Fuck it. I could perhaps cycle by (gasp) having sex with my husband, but I think that's about where I am right now. We need to focus on getting that damn adoption application completed and budgeting for the new car and preparing our delightful road trip across the country. No cycling with donor sperm until we get back. I have decided it.

T, of course, supports any decision I make because he is just wonderful like that. I thank my stars for my wonderful husband every day. As awful as this road has been, I know how lucky I am that he has been along side me for its entirety and we really have never been far apart in the decision making process. As unlucky as we have been in the infertility world, we are equally lucky that we were able to find each other. I know that's cheesy, but it's also completely true. I have the best husband in the world.

Ok. So no dIUI #7 until we come back from our road trip, which means July. We will probably try on our own and we NEED to finish that application that is like an albatross around our necks. We're really, really close and I know we can do it. We have paid for storage for the sperm for about another whole year, so we don't need to be in a rush to finish it up, except for the whole mentally moving on thing. But I know we need to fill out an adoption application anyway because I can't imagine a scenario where we will never adopt. (Actually, in my deepest thoughts I sort of can imagine it, but I know it's dumb fantasy with no basis in reality so I'm trying really hard to ignore it.)

I'm going to work on the application RIGHT NOW. I will also do some yard work and do some grilling later today. The weather is wonderful and we have the day off.

And not to be forgotten: the fallen soldiers who have given their lives to defend this country. No matter how this government got into the messes -- right or wrong -- the bravery and sacrifice of our soldiers should never be forgotten.


Samantha said...

I hope this month will be a much-needed break for you. Sometimes that's the best thing to do.

Natalie said...

*hugs* I hope not actively cycling will allow you to focus on the other things going on in your life right now.

luna said...

I know I've said this before, but I just wish this was easier. it sucks that we can't just get pg easily the old fashioned way! it's hard to cycle when you're focused on other things in your life. hoping it calms down a bit for you. and of course that you enjoy your vacation.

B said...

And fair enough that you feel like that. You have been through the wringer.

Take some time to heal- a road trip is good for that.

thinking of you