Saturday, March 29, 2008

eating

I love to eat. I find food comforting. I love good food. I enjoy fancy restaurants with well prepared meals and selective ingredients. I love "bad" food too -- doughnuts and fried clams and onion rings and cookies and greasy Chinese food. Lately, I have been eating a lot. Too much, in fact. I have been exercising regularly, but I have not lost any weight. It's been over a month now. But I find my desire for food has greatly increased. I don't think it's hunger. I think I eat to feed some inner emptiness I have. Whenever I feel unsettled, I want to eat. I generally allow myself to eat what I feel like eating. I know I need to stop -- I am eating too much and food that is bad for me and when I'm not even hungry. I suppose that what I eat concerns me a little bit less than how much I eat. If I only ate when I was truly hungry, I'd probably be okay. But that is just not how it goes these days.

I eat when I'm hungry. I eat when I'm not hungry. I eat because it tastes good. I eat because it relaxes me. I eat because I'm bored. I eat because I feel unsettled. I eat because I want a baby. I eat because I want to be pregnant. I eat because I don't have a baby. I eat because I know I'm probably not going to be pregnant. I eat because I have been pregnant and I lost those pregnancies. I eat to fill some sort of emptiness inside of me.

I can't make it go away. I know I do it, but I don't know how to stop. I have gained so much weight and I don't feel good about myself. Exercising is making me feel better, but I am just not losing the weight. I feel like I am denied so much in my life that I don't want to deny myself food. But I do want to find some way to stop eating when I'm not hungry. How do I do that? What can I do?

8 comments:

luna said...

me too. let me know if you find an answer... ~luna

chonaschaka said...

Your post was like a poem.

On another note, have you had your thyroid checked? You could be hypothyroid.

Or, just a foodie.

The Town Criers said...

It is so hard to stop once you've started filling yourself up this way. Weight Watchers did help me to break this cycle at one point, but then you stop doing it and in order to start, you have to get over the hump again. And it is so hard.

Trace said...

As town criers said the cycle is really hard to stop. I just wouldn't let myself and drank lots and lots of water (sort of helps to fill me up) or chew gum. I also kept a food journal (www.sparkpeople.com has a nice electronic journal so you can get a good idea of the amount of calories your eating). However, my mom is a comfort eater and I've heard her say similar things to me. I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time right now.

DrSpouse said...

I broke the cycle and lost quite a bit of weight with a calorie counting site (Weight Loss Resources). But I can't really see it as a long term solution - I haven't been putting on too much extra but I was yo-yoing a few pounds instead of losing more so I am now more into the Paul McKenna/Intuitive Eating thing. But I think for me I may have needed the WLR period to get my body working out what hungry felt like, how much it needed to be full etc.

Emily said...

I'm the same way. Food IS comfort for me. A way to make me feel full so as to feel "satisfied." Can't seem to break the cycle either, so if you find a solution ... let me in on the secret.

Bean said...

You said it! I sure wish I had the answer, if I did I'd be 20 lbs lighter and actually fit into 90 percent of the clotes in my closet! For at least 9 months I start every week with a pledge to eat healthier and work out more often -- never seems to take.

I'm frustrated, but not ready to declare defeat yet. Those clothes are just waiting for me. I have also had some luck with Weight Watchers, it is a hard cycle to break.

Good luck to you.

Bake Me A Cake! said...

I am a fellow food lover so I feel your pain! LOVED YOUR POST!! Best wishes to you...