I love to eat. I find food comforting. I love good food. I enjoy fancy restaurants with well prepared meals and selective ingredients. I love "bad" food too -- doughnuts and fried clams and onion rings and cookies and greasy Chinese food. Lately, I have been eating a lot. Too much, in fact. I have been exercising regularly, but I have not lost any weight. It's been over a month now. But I find my desire for food has greatly increased. I don't think it's hunger. I think I eat to feed some inner emptiness I have. Whenever I feel unsettled, I want to eat. I generally allow myself to eat what I feel like eating. I know I need to stop -- I am eating too much and food that is bad for me and when I'm not even hungry. I suppose that what I eat concerns me a little bit less than how much I eat. If I only ate when I was truly hungry, I'd probably be okay. But that is just not how it goes these days.
I eat when I'm hungry. I eat when I'm not hungry. I eat because it tastes good. I eat because it relaxes me. I eat because I'm bored. I eat because I feel unsettled. I eat because I want a baby. I eat because I want to be pregnant. I eat because I don't have a baby. I eat because I know I'm probably not going to be pregnant. I eat because I have been pregnant and I lost those pregnancies. I eat to fill some sort of emptiness inside of me.
I can't make it go away. I know I do it, but I don't know how to stop. I have gained so much weight and I don't feel good about myself. Exercising is making me feel better, but I am just not losing the weight. I feel like I am denied so much in my life that I don't want to deny myself food. But I do want to find some way to stop eating when I'm not hungry. How do I do that? What can I do?