Sunday, April 08, 2007

lots of thinking

Still feeling lazy and unmotivated. T and I had a kind of explosion of emotion on Saturday night about the IF thing. We saw this movie, Pan's Labyrinth, and was just so dark and stirred up such emotion that we ended up letting it all out, I guess. We went out for a nice dinner beforehand, but both of us got a little sad during dinner too. This journey is just so difficult, and it's so difficult for us to hold out any hope. The more I look at the statistics, the more convinced I am that our attempts at treatment won't work. I've said before that I know that they could work -- that's why we're trying. But I'm really not hopeful about it. That being said, while I'm going through treatment there might be times that I have hope. And that doesn't make the failures any less disappointing. Trust me, if these cycles fail I will be extremely disappointed. But the logical place in my head is telling me to be prepared for it.

T and I haven't talked much about what we're going to do if these cycles fail. Personally, I would like to try donor insemination first. It is less expensive than adoption, and you have more control over the genetics of your baby. Plus I would get to experience pregnancy, etc. Since I have been pregnant three times, I have no reason to believe that this alternative wouldn't work for us.

But T feels extremely left out of that process. He feels the loss of the biological connection to his potential children quite acutely. I just don't know how he will handle it. And he doesn't want to try to work through these feelings until we actually are facing it as reality. I need to think about these things in advance, but he doesn't want to deal until they are happening. This leaves me feeling a lot of anxiety.

When we found out about T's bt, he asked me if I resented him for it. Of course I don't because he had no control over this. He didn't choose to have a bt. I said that the only thing I would resent is never having children. I want to raise children. I have known this for as long as I can remember. Before I met T, I was planning on having children on my own if I never got married. Having a family is the most important thing to me.

When I met T, I thought we were all set with this. I had thought through adopting or artificial insemination while still single. But when we got married I thought, as most people do, that we would move forward the old fashioned way, which we thought actually worked at first. Two miscarriages and a diagnosis later, we realized it wouldn't be so easy. But now that we've had another miscarriage and a failed IVF cycle since the diagnosis, things feel different. I have thought about having a child without a biological connection to me. I have thought it through that I want to raise a child no matter what. I'm not sure T has done that. T is an only child and his father is gone. He feels a great loss over this and I don't know what it's going to take for him to overcome it.

I know that he wants to have children no matter what. I know that he loves me and wants me to be happy. He knows that kids no matter what is what I need and he will support that. But there are emotions that go along with it, and I worry that he won't be able to work through all of them before we take steps. My 35th birthday is in one month, and I don't think we should wait before moving forward. I would like to have 2 kids someday.

It's just so much to handle, emotionally. The fertile world is everywhere. Animals have babies, other people have babies, commercials feature families and children. The films we see have pregnant women and children in them. A stupid TV show I watched one day had a pregnancy 'scare'. Everything I do and everything I see reminds me of what I feel like I cannot have. I know all you if-ers out there feel exactly the same way I do about this. It is inevitable if you are struggling to have a child. It's just frustrating that it feels so impossible to get away from it. I need a vacation from this. I just don't know how to find it.

I have been on bcps for a week. I have a follow-up appointment on Tuesday, and am supposedly supposed to start Lu*pron on Saturday or so. So I'm going to have to go through that most difficult part again -- well, aside from the failure part that is. All these feelings are worse on the hormones.

I know I just have to keep my chin up and know that some day, some way we will have a family. But it can be so difficult to keep that goal in mind when everything around you reminds you of what is not. I am trying to relax and keep myself somewhat busy, but I don't find it that helpful. My therapist wants me to join and IF mind/body group, but it meets at a bad time, far away. Maybe I should just get some acupuncture or something. I don't know.

Stop the world, I want to get off.


Jamie said...

Hang in there. Many of us have been at the crossroads you are at right now. So many days it is so hard to go on. So hard to have hope. So hard to think that maybe it will eventually go your way. And then even when it does go your way there are miscarriages and other issues to worry about. IF, unfortunately, is a never-ending cycle. Something that is impossible to escape from once you are in the midst of it. You just have to hold your head high, express your emotions to your therapist, your blog, and your husband, and keep trying to get through life. Somedays that seems impossible, I know.

I wish I had the magic solution to make it all go away, and make it all better. All I can tell you is to hang on. This journey sucks but a lot of us are in it together.

Also, I think that you have your priorities in order and your husband will come around to whatever you eventually decide to do. When you realize that parenting a child is the most important thing you are making progress through the journey and you are headed in the right direction -- no matter what curve balls are thrown in your direction.

Hang in there.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I wish I had something that I could say to somehow make it better. This road is so hard, but I know that you and T will make it through, and you will be parents one way or another. I am hoping very hard that this cycle is it. Thinking of you.

AshPash said...

Rachel: THanks for checking in at my blog. How I understand your emotions. I got off this ride ten years ago when I all I wanted to be was a mom...we adopted instead. It has been a awesome ten years without the ups and downs of IF. That's not to say that I have not mourned my fertility...I have. A friend of mine pursued IVF when we were adopting from China seven years ago. She followed the path that her heart was led down and I respected that. We are both moms now. My heart was drawn in a different direction. At this point in my life, I am trying IVF before I get too old and regret it's a "carpe diem" thing I guess. My life is full with my two girls but this is somethng I need to mark off my list. A decade later, I remember all too well the anxiety and pain of each disappointment and am a little scared to be doing this again. Good luck on this difficult journey. Many good wishes that this cycle is THE ONE!

Jessica at Bwlchyrhyd said...

Random thought -- if you adopted rather than having donor insemination, would that make T feel any better as then you would both be evens as it were on the biological connection front?

Sarah said...

it's so hard. like you, i just wanted to be a mother, how i got there wasn't the point. we had a very hard time reconciling my preference for adoption with his strong need for a biological connection. it doesn't help that men just process things differently, and seem to prefer the "let's cross that bridge when we come to it" approach. you're smart to prepare yourself and think about plan B, although i will continue to hope you never need it. best wishes as you work through all this.

DG said...

I'm sorry you're feeling low. I know that when me don't want to plan steps B-Z it leaves us feeling nervous about what's going to happen next.

I hope your plan A works for you this time round.


Mel said...

It so hard. I don't know how my DH would handle it. I know when I was faced with the possibility of using donor eggs I was pretty shaken. While I was upset I wouldn't be having my own biological child I just wanted a child and would do anything for that.
I appreciate your comments on my blog while you are going through this, thankyou
Take care

Bea said...

Men. They won't play "what if". Or at least our two won't. Wishing you a good 2008 so you don't have to play "what if" many more times.


Jen said...

Thanks for writing this. You really captured a lot of what I have been feeling.

Kathy V said...

I came here via the creme. I have had several explosions of emotion. afterward things seem ok. Then several weeks or months go by and I feel like we are faced with a new obstacle. It would be so much easier if emotions didn't have to be such a big part of it but then we wouldn't care or want it as much. The emotions make us who we are. I am hoping things go well for you in the future.