Thursday, March 05, 2009

Freaked out

So yesterday morning I sent an email to the birth mother counselor at our agency, just to find out what the next step might be. I got the following email (changes have been made to protect privacy):

I just left you a voice message. Just to recap, I just put a call into Bruce today, the BM’s father, who said that he was very impressed with your album and the information that I sent about Our Adoption Agency but he has not seen his daughter or been in touch as she is out of state and she is having cell phone problems. He intends to share everything with her when he sees her. He said that “Joanne said that you were open to adopting both boys”. I am assuming that this is something that you have talked about with your contact person -apparently this BM has another toddler who is presently living with his other grandparents.

Let us know what you are thinking about.


I have in no way talked to anyone about adopting a sibling or a toddler or ANYTHING. I flipped. And "Joanne" is my cousin's wife's mother, who is someone I met briefly once at their wedding and haven't talked to since. That was five years ago. How could someone who does not know us offer for us to parent a toddler that we didn't know needed a family?

The BM counselor calmed me down. It could be due to some miscommunication. Bruce could have asked if we were interested in the toddler and Joanne could have said, "I don't know, possibly," and he took that as a yes. Plus, we have no information about the BM at all. We only know Bruce is interested in making an adoption plan with us, we have no idea how on board she is with this. We know she's thinking about it, but we don't know what she's thinking about. We don't have any medical information yet -- we don't even know if it's a sitiuation that could possibly work out. If it does look like a good situation, the BM counselor told me that she knows how to approach that situation. There are all sorts of ways to talk to the BM about only being able to parent the one child as our first.

But she did say that I should contact my cousin's wife to make sure that her mother knows she shouldn't be talking to Bruce about the prospects or possibilities of an adoption happening with us. He should only be talking to our agency.

But boy howdy did that freak me out. And I'm still concerned that if she learns we are not prepared to parent her toddler that she won't want to place with us. But I guess if that's the case then it was not meant to be.

I still have to call my cousin's wife. I'm slightly nervous, but now that I've calmed down I feel I can approach it without being accusing. These people did me a great favor by making this connection, even if it ends up not working out.

I'm trying to remember to breathe.


Michelle said...

Destiny maybe?

Kelly said...

Oh, wow. I would have freaked out, too! Take a deep breath and hang in there.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I imagine it would freak me out too! Are you guys open to the idea?

niobe said...

Wow. Are you definite about not being prepared to parent the older boy?

It certainly makes sense that you'd be prepared for just one infant right now (and, obviously, there are so many ifs and you have no idea if the situation with the baby is one that might possibly work out), but I was just curious if adopting both boys was something you might possibly consider.

Go ahead and slap me if I'm being too nosy.

Rachel said...

We are not open to adopting a toddler at this point. We want a newborn/infant for our first adoption. A toddler is not the right situation for us at this time.

DrSpouse said...

My understanding is it's really unusual for toddlers to be relinquished in the US, isn't it? I have certainly seen several agency websites saying "we do not place children older than newborns" and it's only "waiting children" sites that place toddlers.

Rachel said...

I think it really depends. Most placements of older children go through the state, but in my state an agency still must be involved. If the child is available for adoption (which we are not sure about) and we were willing to adopt a toddler (which we are not) it could happen.

beagle said...

Wow, so much to think about! Fingers crossed here!

And FWIW, (since a few of your readers asked) we also were asked to consider a toddler at one point. I think the gist was that the mother had contacted our agency at the time of birth, then decided to parent, then for various reasons when the girl was about aged 2, was again considering placing the child. So it does happen in the US and through agencies, but not *usually*, that's for sure.

Nancy said...

Strange. Obviously, I know nothing about this birthmother and am in no position to judge, but I have to wonder why she would want to give up a child she's already been involved in raising. I don't know if you're planning an open adoption, but if you are, the birthparents are kind of a package deal. You need to feel good about them as well. I hope this is all a misunderstanding. Or perhaps she's just in a very difficult predicament and feels she can't be a good parent to any children. I imagine she's pretty emotional right now. Best of luck to you, but I would advise you find out as much as you can about this woman's situation so you know what you may be getting yourself into.

Natalie said...

Oh wow.... I would have flipped out!! I hope you are able to clarify all of this.... how crazy. :( Not what you need right now!!

Rachel said...

Nancy -- It is my understanding that she is not parenting that child right now. I believe he is with is paternal grandparents, but I really have no details about anything.

Our agency will give this situation a thorough investigation. I have 100% confidence in them as an organization.

ultimatejourney said...

I feel a little overwhelmed just reading about all this. I can't even imagine what it's like for you! I hope the agency is able to get to the bottom of this ASAP so you have a better idea if this situation will work out for you.

B said...

That's quite a bizarre story.

How did it go? And how are you going?