Thursday, April 02, 2009

Not much

I tried to think about talking to my boss about her inappropriate comment, but the meeting I had turned into something bad, so I didn't. Because I misunderstood a procedure, I felt like I was being accused of trying to get out of completing my work or working hard enough or something. Anyway, I just couldn't bring it up, so that's that. Between her comment, some other comments she has made, and this encounter of feeling accused of not working hard, I'm not currently feeling so great about my boss. But it is what it is.

I'm trying to take this as something good so that when we get placed with a baby I won't mind quitting work and staying home. Isn't that funny?

Not too much is going on. We're feeling sad today. A colleague of T's has been ill and passed away at a too young age. T doesn't deal with loss particularly well. It's all very, very sad.

Saturday we are doing the MS Walk if anybody wants to donate.

I'm having second thoughts about our facilitator again. I think I want to work with an agency. We have to make a decision and fill out an application and commit before my pottery class starts. We're currently just wasting time and spinning our wheels. Why can't I move forward with this?

I heard this piece about grief on the radio today. This woman had lost her husband. I just couldn't help but think about myself in this situation, only the person (people) that I lost never actually existed. They were just concepts -- perhaps multiple cells. But the thing that has died is the person that would have been created had my DNA been able to successfully combine with T's DNA, and any of the thousands or millions of possible outcomes of that combination simply never will be. I really think they should have spoken with people who have failed all fertility treatments for that study.

My parents are going to be back from Florida today and I will see them this weekend. And despite all of this shit, I'm happy that baseball season is starting even though my fantasy team kind of sucks.

I'm glad tomorrow's Friday.


Kelly said...

I have been doing the same thing at work lately - taking every bad thing and making mental note about how easy it will be to leave my job when we finally have a child! As for the grief and loss - you have had very significant losses. They're just not the kind that many people can relate to. But they are very real.

craptastic_mail said...

I would encourage you to go with an agency. I can't imagine using a facilitator.

The agency does it all (or should!) including counseling for YOU and for the BIRTHMOM which I think is SO important.

Parenthood For Me said...

Throughout my IF and adoption process I have learned a lot about grief. I learned that it comes in all shapes sizes. The grief of not have a biological child is very real. I grieve for the children that my husband I may never create.