Waiting

We received a health report for the expectant mom. We got one piece of new information from it. I feel really in the dark about this. When we were matched with CC and O. we talked to them all of the time. This expectant mom, K, doesn't want contact.

We discussed if there were any issue that would make us change our minds about this match, and we decided there wasn't. So, we wait.

My mind is jumbled with some worry. Will the expectant mom change her mind? How will Henry deal with being a big brother? He regularly pushes little 1 year olds over, but he pretty much ignores little babies. How will I be able to handle two kids, especially if the baby is fussy? Methadone babies are usually fussy, so I am not anticipating an easy baby like Henry was.

Will I go insane with a very strong willed 3-year-old and a fussy baby?

My mother asked if we were going to paint the room. My mind hadn't even gone there.

We were supposed to visit my parents in Florida in March for vacation, but as it seems we're going to go down there at the end of May for a baby, that vacation is off.

We aren't talking to Henry about this specific baby, though we do talk with him that someday we will adopt another baby and it will come live with us and he will have a brother or sister and he will BE a big brother. We have decided to keep it abstract with him.

Henry just woke up. Gotta run.

Matched.

We got chosen by one of the expectant moms.

She's on Methadone.
Some of the legal complications have been resolved already.
Birthfather is completely unknown.
She wants a completely closed adoption.

Holy shit. I'm completely freaking out and crying right now.

Due date 5/25.

Being shown

We got two expectant mother profile emails in one day after not hearing from the agency for about 3 months. We are having our profile shown to both expectant moms. These adoptions would be much more complicated than H's. Unknown birthfathers, perhaps methadone, etc. Are we ready to deal with these things? I'm not sure. But if we keep an open mind, we are more likely to be parents sooner. I suppose we can back out if things get overly complicated. These things happen.

I see babies and I feel ready. Babies don't make me sad, like they did when we were waiting for H. I feel a little scared. H has had a good week and I'm hoping we're over the horrible 3 hump and headed for a slightly better 3 1/2. What will happen when a new baby is introduced? I don't know. We do talk about it sometimes.

He likes giving things to babies, so that's good.

I think babies born with methadone addiction have a rough start as they detox, but generally do well if they weren't exposed to other drugs in utero.

We have to send our prints in to the FBI again and do the CORI and SORI and stuff again. Paperwork sucks.

Waiting to hear that we haven't been chosen sucks, though. I can't help but wonder when things will work. It will have been a pretty short wait if we got chosen now.

Constipation?

Ok, he's acting better today. He pooped 3 times before noon and didn't go at all yesterday (I'm not sure about the day before.) Could constipation have caused this?

I mean, he's very strong willed and challenging most of the time, but he was way, way, WAY worse than normal on Friday. I would have guessed he was sick except he wasn't. Maybe his tummy hurt?

He has good days and bad days, but his bad days weren't usually as bad as Friday.

Anyway, I'm feeling slightly less freaked out today and more hopeful it might be age appropriate frustrating behavior.

Thanks all.

Behavior Issues

Henry is having some behavior issues. I know this is pretty normal for an active three-year-old boy, but he is having problems in school. Today was a particularly bad day. He had to go sit in the director's office for a bit. One of the teachers told me that they felt like one of them had to stay with H and be one-on-one with him and that left the other teacher to deal with all of the other kids. He is openly defiant and doesn't respond to consequences.

They know I know this. He is like this at home. I am pretty consistent and do the time out thing and I can, with time and effort and endless patience (sometimes), get him to do what I need him to do.

He is also really fine sometimes. If we go to a playground, he is usually pretty good. He is very active and loves to climb.  He is a little handsy at times, but if I put him in time out at the playground he will stay in time out and usually be a bit better afterward.

The thing is, he has biological relatives who have some serious behavioral issues. Some of this stuff must be genetic. I am a little afraid.

I don't want him to get kicked out of school. I don't want him to have no friends.

Today I am worried. I left a voice mail to my old therapist to get some advice. I really, sincerely hope he grows out of this, but I am concerned.

He can be so wonderful sometimes. And he's adorable. Why can't he just listen a little bit?

Three is hard

Three is a tough age. I'm exhausted. Everything seems to be a fight. Sometimes I fear H is turning into a psychopath, but I think that's just how 3 is.

In the moment I am constantly frustrated, but in most cases everything is hilarious in retrospect.

I am so tired.

And yet I still want to do it again.

Happy & sad

Going through a pretty hard core "feeling so very happy & elated for other people and totally feeling so sad for myself" mixed feeling kinda thing here.

I know that's ok. I know it's normal. I know it will never 100% go away.

But feeling it still kinda sucks.

Family Tree already?

So, it's H's third full day of preschool and I'm handed a paper by the teacher that says "H's family tree." Oy. The teacher says to "put pictures of your family on it. It's like an 'all about you' activity." So I'm going to ignore this and just put pics of me, H, T, Bdog and R cat on there.

That's ok, right? H is totally not able to talk about adoption on his own right now and I think it's pretty safe to do just our family at home because, really, that's what this thing is for. It's about who you live with. Right?

I didn't expect to have to deal with this already!

They should just label the paper "H's Family" and I'd feel a lot better about it.

Oy.

A Different Expectant Mom

We got an email asking us if we wanted our profile shown with a small amount of background information. Long story short, we had our profile shown to an expectant mom.

She chose a family that didn't already have a child. We expect this to happen a lot.

Our profile has lots of pictures of our happy family. I wonder if we should have fewer pictures of H in there? But I don't want to be dishonest. We *do* have a child. And I imagine there are expectant parents who want their child to have siblings.

It's still kind of disappointing and I'm not sure what to do about it. I suppose we'll just leave things as they are.

But all of the paperwork is off and we are 100% waiting. Before we know it we will have to renew our home study.

But I guess it's good we've already had two chances to show our profile (though we chose to show it only once)?

So now

So, now that we decided to say no to this special situation, it put a fire under my butt to complete the profile for our adoption attorney in Florida. I'm 95% finished with it and that will get us really, truly waiting for a placement.

The expectant mom that we are not showing our profile to is due in January. January would have been a perfect time to welcome a new baby into our lives. I can't say that I'm not still sad about it, but I know it was what was right for us.

I know someday there will be a sibling for our H and that I will be a mom again. It might not be as soon as I would have liked, but that's just our lot in life.

Meanwhile, 3 is really, really tough but still really good.

Sleeping on it

We were presented a situation and I think we're turning it down. It involves drug exposure and HIV. My heart skipped a beat when T told me the attorney called, but it feels like more risk than we are willing to take on and I'm not excited at the prospect of being chosen. We think that means something.

Still, it's leaving me feeling a bit empty and sad.

We'll sleep on it but don't think we'll change our mind.

Almost 3

I cannot believe it but our Henry is almost 3 years old. We are officially waiting (our homestudy has been approved) for a sibling for him. I took him to the adoption agency to drop off our booklet. We talked a little about adoption then and he told me that "we adopt another baby" so I guess he listens. I know he has no idea what that really means, though.

I can't believe he's such a big boy. Sometimes it feels insane to want another child as our house feels so chaotic most of the time, but at the same time I definitely have the baby bug and am ready. The not knowing is still awful and I still need to work on paperwork to expand our search further to hopefully speed things along a little bit.

Our boy is a lot of work and such a love. Sometimes I get so frustrated I want to cry (and get a job), but mostly I feel so lucky that I get to be this boy's mama.

It bums me out

It really sucks that someone having a baby makes me sad. It's supposed to be something happy.  And I am happy for the people that have the baby, but I'm usually more sad for myself.  I really hate that.

Home Study Complete

I was feeling pleased that our home study is finally complete, but I see it's been 6 months since we started. Oy. That doesn't make me feel so great, but it is what it is I guess.

I'm starting to worry about the wait again. I don't mind 12-18 months of waiting, but I know around month 16 I'm going to be freaking out a bit. Hell, I'm freaking out now. But I have to let it go because I just have no control over this.

I just feel old. (I turned 40 earlier this month.)

Anyway, I guess we're officially waiting.

We pulled it off

Before the end of 2011 we sent in the first part of our paperwork to the adoption agency. They cashed the check, so I know they received it. We are slowly headed toward our wait for kid #2. We still have a bunch to do, including our photo book, but I feel like the first step has been taken.