I'm sitting here at he computer knowing I need to get my ass in gear and work on the dear birth mother letter and our profile book, but I just don't know how to do it. I was thinking about it in the shower and now I'm feeling pretty sad. Since our social worker suggested that I think of it as a way to tell 'our child' his or her birth story I've been trying to determine how to think of that way.
But 'our child' is what's stopping me. How can I possibly imagine actually having an actual child? I cannot. I cannot think that way. So what am I supposed to do? How can I motivate. I am really struggling here.
All I can think of is all of our failure. How can I possibly imagine 'our child' when all we've had is loss? I just didn't think that suggestion was particularly helpful and I need something else to help myself motivate.
I just keep going over and over our story and it makes me so sad. It's amazing how many things we've tried and in how many ways things have gone wrong. I know I'm not supposed to think about it, but I do. Or I did. I was in the shower thinking about it and I went over our whole story again in my head thinking how the social worker would think it might be possible for us to have failure after failure and loss after loss but think about the book as something to share with our child. Clearly she hasn't had the same experiences as us. I believe she has two biological sons and a daughter from China, but I'm not positive.
And the other think I hate about it is that what these things are are marketing tools for T and me as a couple. I hate marketing. I think marketing is the cause of everything that is wrong with this country and I don't like anything that has to do with it. So I'm not very happy to have to market myself to someone -- especially someone who has to do something as difficult as create an adoption plan for her child.
I'm feeling so negative about this right now. How is this not awful?
Anyway, I guess I'll stop complaining and try writing. I think just getting all of this negativity out here might help me be able to work on the other things. So the blog might be even more negative than usual (if you can imagine such a thing) so I can vent and let all of the negativity out in order to enable me to work on these documents.
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11 comments:
I wish I had some advice for you on this...it does seem like a difficult assignment after all that you've gone through. Maybe if you concentrate on what you want to give a child - any child - that would help the letter "grow." Good luck...you can do this...you've been working so hard!
I sometimes "write" imaginary letters to our future child in my mind. I tell them about how I dreamed of flying kites and baking cookies together and laughing and thoughts like that kept me going during our darkest days waiting for them. I have been told that the first smile from your child wipes away all the pain and suffering of IF and that that promise keeps me going as well.
Hi Rachel, I found your blog through Yoka. You and I are in about the same place in the adoption process and I totally relate to what you're going through. I haven't even gotten to the birthmother letter. We have 2 more homestudy visits and the letter is a piece of the puzzle that I just haven't been able to deal with yet. How do you explain to a person you don't know that you're going to be the best parent for their child? It just seems impossible. I guess the best advice is to put yourself in the birthmother's place (not just any birthmother, but the birthmother you imagine you would want). What would you want to know? What would reassure you about the person who will eventually raise your child? Like I said, maybe I'm not the best person to give advice here since I'm struggling with this too. But I hope that helps. Good luck.
I really have no idea what you're going through really... I know the pain of loss, the not being sure if you're ever going to really have that child in your arms... but I totally agree with you about marketing. Ugh. I hate resume writing for that same reason. :( If you ever need to chat, feel free to email me....
Writing your letter is very important. I would brainstorm to come up with a list of things you want to convey to the birth mother about you, your childhood, why you want a baby, what you will be doing with the baby and other things you feel are important. You don't have to write the letter in one sitting. Have a rough draft and work from there. I'm sending you positive feelings so you can get started.
I've been lurking on your blog for several weeks now, and you just posted a comment on mine (uninterrupted prosperity) regarding your husband's BT. I really appreciate how you are so open in sharing your thoughts here. I can't tell you how many times I've thought to myself that I feel exactly the way you do but I just don't know how to put it into words. So, thanks for sharing! I started my blog in part as a therapy tool but I haven't felt able to really open up on it yet so I use it for other things (like knitting - I'll try to friend you on Ravelry). We are almost ready to start the adoption process as well, and I have to say, the "dear birthmother" letter is one thing that is holding me back at this point, because I feel the way you do. I have no idea how to "market" ourselves. I'll be curious to hear how you work through it. Good luck!
I would have trouble seeing it as a letter to a child. Because it's, you know, addressed to the potential birth mother.
Maybe you could imagine it as less a marketing tool, but more as putting your personality and life out there so that a woman considering making an adoption plan could read it and think "Wow. These people are just like me because...." or whatever. It's not so much that you want to appeal to everyone who reads it or to the majority of people. It's more that you want to give a realistic picture so that you'll find someone who's a good match.
I hate the marketing aspect too, that part freaks me out, always has.
don't feel like you've got to sit down and write the perfect letter right away. just brainstorm a little bit about each other and what would make you good parents, about your home, your families, your life, your ideas about parenting. just brainstorm and then edit and organize later. I bet you'll find that once you start writing, you have more to say than you think. then come back to it in a few days and play with it, add to it, etc. then think about what pictures go with your story...
for ex., in our first draft (that's as far as we've gotten), we talk about how we love to travel and why, and we have pix in our head to include of us having fun in different places...
good luck. the first words are the hardest...
If it's any help, there are some guides on the web to writing a letter - be honest seems to be the summary.
We don't have quite the same here but sometimes people will send flyers to different areas' social workers but they have to be short, sweet, and on paper... (teenagers who are maybe thinking their lives are too difficult to raise a child now can cope with the internet, social workers with university qualifications can't, hmm, something wrong with this picture!)
Be however negative you need to be, cuz sometimes it just freakin blows.
i came across yout blog... we are a lil farther along in the process "oficially waiting" for the phone the ring.... the BM was the last thing we did.. i found it just grueling to find the right words.. i am still not happy with ours...there are some great suggestions here in the comments... 1, make a list of things you want to tell about your family, 2. writing a rough draft and going back to it another day will also be very helpful... 3. check the other adoption sites for samples pick ones your like as far as layout or style and go from there. We typically liked the "storyboook" style. You have to put yourself in the BM shoes. she has all these profiles in front of her to read and look at does she really want to read some long drawn out letter... i thought and out SW agreed that a Broken up, story like picture book would be best. the BM is gong to be nervous and stressed to make such a difficult decision you want to make it easier on her. We broke up the book in to sections:
- how we met
-our wedding
- a letter written about me by DH
- a letter written about DH by me
-family
-friends
- hobbies (travel,fishing, swimming etc...)
- our house
-pets
etc... we dedicated two pages per section with a narative and cooresponding pictures with captions(very important). We did write a very short three paragraph intro letter to the BM that included our intentions, what led us to adoption etc... We were told to write the letter like you were talking to a friend so it is less formal and shows personalitiy.. and fun candid pics, goofy ones whatever that shows your personality instead of all posed and stiff photos KWIM..
I too have to say i truely hate haveing to "sell" ourselves.. its NUTS~ but if it gets us closer to our child then we will do it.
i am sending (((BIG HUGS)) so sorry for all you have been through.. i def know its hard to think there is like at the end of the dark tunnel of IF but it is there. Hope i helped... ? :)
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