Monday, April 24, 2006

Daily coping

So, today is Monday and I'm back at work. T is very busy at work with multiple meetings, a busy office and basically no free time. My job, however, is much more flexible. I basically work alone. I have few people around me and as long as I get my work done, nobody hassles me to do anything. This is usually a benefit. Sometimes I do get lonely, but that is pretty much the only downside to my working situation. But now it gives me time to obsess. I can read things on the web and search out statistics and see what other people have to say about being in a similar situation.

I would say that right now my stress level feels very high. I am very anxious. One thing that is exacerbating my stress level is the fact that I am taking a night class. I am in clinical research, and back in.... oh, let's say October... I thought it would be interesting if I took biostatistics to see the math behind the research studies I help coordinate. Though I was not a math major (or anything even close, really) I had always been good at math. A friend of my received her Master's in Public Health and seemed to get through the class without problems (though she was a bio major in college). It had been a little slow at work, and I thought it would be a nice challenge for me. Plus, work would pay for most of it if I got at least a B-. So in December I signed up for Intro to Biostatistics and off I went. I was excited.

Then I got pregnant. And I thought, okay, well I can go to class pregnant. Then I miscarried. Then I got pregnant again, and I thought, okay well I'll barely be out of my first trimester by the time I'm done. Then I miscarried again. Then I was too sad to go to class. Luckily, there is a distance option in this class and I could watch the lectures from the comfort of our own home. And I could email my homework to turn it in. Perfect. Then there was our diagnosis. Balanced Translocation. Infertile. I didn't want to go to class anymore.

In fact, I'm finding it difficult to focus on anything at all aside from getting through the day. I don't want to take a class anymore. I have more important things going on with my life. But there's nothing I can do about it. And there's no way to get my money back if I just stop doing the work. Plus, I have never failed a class in my life. I can remember getting to C's on my reportcards, ever. Once in high school (trig) and once in college (Anthropology. I never understood that one.) But I'm just not capable of 'letting it go' and 'forgetting about it.' I worry. I stress.

T and I decided that the class really isn't that important. My sanity is definitely more important. But how am I supposed to just let it go? I don't know.

I was thinking of joining some sort of infertility support group or something to get a little help. I heard Resolve was really good and I joined that. But I joined the national group and not my local one. The IVF clinic has a few groups, but they're a little 'touchy-feely' for my taste. So maybe I should persue a regular couples therapy counselor. I was just hoping to meet with someone who's had some experience dealing with infertility. It's kind of different, I think.

So that process is ongoing. I should start up with some yoga. Of couse, I only have the pregnancy yoga DVD that I bought while I was pregnant. Hurrah.

I almost feel like it's AA. One day at a time. Maybe we should go to an addiction counselor.

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