Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Bitterness

I have decided that I need to try and let go of my bitterness. I need to do this for Henry's sake. I was talking to a friend who is going through a rough patch and she put it like this: I have a choice. I can be happy or I can be sad. Why should I be sad. I'm going to be happy.

Happiness isn't really my issue these days as Henry makes me happier than I ever imagined, but my bitterness and resentment around fertility is still strong. I need to let it go. I don't want to affect Henry in any way. Children indirectly pick up on things. I need to resolve this and move on.

It's just so hard. It's hard to know that I have to share my son with another set of parents when other people don't. This of course does not mean I am closing Henry's adoption and I will refuse to share him. That's just dumb and not in his best interest. That's not what I mean. I mean that if T and I were able to have a genetic child then this would not be an issue. This is one of the many reasons I'm sure that people choose to live child-free instead of adopting. My eyes were wide open about this when we adopted Henry. I knew what I was getting in to.

But that doesn't mean I still have some anger deep down inside of me about this fact. And I need to get it out and smash it to pieces so that it can go away.

I think part of what keeps my bitterness around is that tiny speck of hope that still lives in me. Even though my head tells me that T and I will never have a genetic child and that we did all of our trying and it's over, my heart knows that people with a BT diagnosis get pregnant the old fashioned way and have living, healthy children. I need to let that tiny grain of hope go away.

This will take time and effort. But I've decided to work on it.

9 comments:

Jessica said...

So sorry you're feeling those crappy feelings but I can relate to every word you said. I haven't adopted yet but I have those same feelings of resentment deep down inside. It would never ever affect the way I feel about my future child but I feel most of the resentment is directed at myself. We just have to take steps everyday to eventually overcome the bad stuff.

Natalie said...

I still have a lot of bitterness surrounding my fertility problems and my losses, even now when I'm pregnant with an apparently healthy child. So I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. Sometimes it's just so hard to be "different."

Sue said...

I know it's hard but I think you're doing the right thing - it will be good for you and good for Henry. I know you're already happy, but I hope you're also able to find a greater sense of peace with your path to parenthood.

K77 said...

Hugs. The bitterness is a very difficult thing. I still have mine.

Foxxy One said...

Rachel - one of best investments I made during my fertility issues was to see a psychologist who specializes in infertility. She helped me mourn my losses. I think I saw her 3 or 4 times but she helped me put my mind straight.

For me... my infertility was a blessing. Without it - I wouldn't have my son, Dylan. I can't imagine my life without him.

I wish you peace.

Kelly said...

Besides the part about having your son with you, I feel like I could have written that post. I have so much anger and bitterness about the BT and the IF and whatever else. And I also have that same little glimmer that you do, knowing that I probably could have a baby if we kept trying for years and years and went through more losses. We chose to get off that path for a reason, but I still can't quite let it go. It's really difficult. Good for you for working on changing that attitude. When you succeed, please let us know what changes you made.

ME Gregory said...

very, very understandable for how you feel. Wishing you peace as you work through it....

Almamay said...

I thought that when our child finally arrived it would release me from the pain and bitterness but it hasn't. I HATE infertility. I kind of think that it is normal to still be bitter. We've been through a lot. Be kind to yourself.

loveyoualready said...

I completely relate. I haven't adopted yet and while I pray that having a child will somehow erase the bitterness I feel, I also worry that it will never go away. One thing I do know...I have promised that when I do finally have a family I will use my strength and confidence to fight for and be a voice for all the women (and couples) who follow after us.