This is my 450th post. My third year blogoversary is next week.
It has been more than three years since my first pregnancy.
All at once we are in the same place and not. We have been through so much since I started this blog and I have a completely different view on life (in some ways) than I did back then. Yet we are still not parents.
I feel in a weird place. I am still grieving for my friends' lost son. How do I move on when they cannot? We are going to see them tomorrow. My therapist tells me that I can mourn with them for a while, but I need to find a way to move on. I can have empathy, but I have my own burdens to bear.
We all need to move on and live life because what else can we do?
I know many of you have had to move on from your losses. I read your blogs and I see your ups and downs. I know that I try to do the same. Though we all have our own types of losses, we each figure out how to do it in different ways.
I'm not sure I've truly moved on from my loss, so perhaps that is why I'm feeling theirs so closely? Is there such a thing as feeling someone else's tragedy too much?
I just feel like I know what it's like to walk through life carrying a silence. I know my losses are different than this couple's loss, but I feel like I can truly feel it.
I say that spring is my favorite season because it's so nice for the weather to become bearable, but spring means blogoversary, my birthday and mother's day. I feel the passage of time so strongly. I suppose I should hate January because 3 of my 4 miscarriages were in January (I think), but for some reason I don't really think of miscarriage anniversaries that much.
I wish I could feel like it's okay to think about trivial things. I think about updating my facebook status, but how can I do something so trivial when my friends are enduring so much suffering?
How do I let go?
Life as an adoptive family.
My Story
- Rachel
- 4 miscarriages, 3 failed IVFs with PGD, 2 different sperm donors, 1 diagnosis of balanced translocation. Now we are the proud parents of a boy via domestic infant semi-open adoption. We had a failed match for kid #2 and are now matched again.
6 comments:
I think that makes sense.... your loss is compounding your sense of grief over theirs. I know for a long time after we lost Devin any time I'd hear of someone else's bad news I would just bawl.... it brought up all kinds of grief in myself. But how to move on? Now that I don't know. I don't understand my ups and downs myself. I wish we all had more answers. I wish we all had more healing. Grief is just so... overwhelming.
It's trite, but I think that the only thing that helps with grief is time, so that the rawness of the shock wears off a bit and the pain dulls.
I know that after my loss, I couldn't bear the idea of joining a support group because I didn't think I could stand to hear about anyone else's loss.
From dealing with my older brother's death when I was a teenager, I know that other losses just bring back my own painful feelings. I don't think you really get over your own losses, you just gain a little more distance and ability to be both happy and realize that life goes on even with sadness. But another's loss can cause those feelings to come bubbling back to the surface.
I can relate with a lot of what you wrote. I think it is natural for someone else's loss to bring up your own feelings of loss. I also don't think one can ever fully grieve a loss. You can find a way to move on with life, but it might always be there. I hope that makes sense and is helpful in some way to you. This stuff is so hard to process. Hang in there.
I think what you said makes sense. Loss dates are just that to me - dates, another day. Keep in mind I have never miscarried, but unlike other people I can't remember the date I found out about our diagnoses or our BFNs.
But there are things besides dates that seem to remind you of what happened much more keenly. For me it was always late winter. Halloween-Thanksgiving-Christmas are such child holidays. We also have our anniversary in there which just marks the years it hasn't happened for us.
Dates are just numbers. But seeing a traumatic event reflected in life is going to be a much keener reminder.
Loss, whether of a similar kind or not, awaken all of your feelings regarding your own loss.
I don't think you ever let go.
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