Monday, April 14, 2008

The Mondays

The MS Walk was sunny for the entire morning! We couldn't believe it! Poor T got a major sunburn because we thought it was going to rain. He is extremely fair skinned and burns in the slightest sun. But because we had been told over and over again that it would rain the entire morning, we only brought sweatshirts and raincoats - no hats or sunscreen or sunglasses! My family together raised over $3,000 so that is a good thing. The weather was lovely (despite T's sunburn) and it went really well.

That night we went over to E&R's house for dinner. Little S is almost 2 now (yes, really) and running and talking up a storm. The ultrasound on the fridge was there, but didn't bother me that much, really. I guess now that I have accepted that it's there and it bothers me, it bothers me a little bit less. I really don't want to tell E that it bothers me because it will make her feel tremendously guilty. Little S walked up to T and said, "Up!" and T picked him up. Then S said, "Down!" and T put him down. Of course this became a game and happened at least five times.

This was the first time T had ever held a child under age 5. It was a big deal to me. He is so afraid of Other People's Children. He's afraid he's going to break babies. He just doesn't have lot of experience with them directly. This just was huge for me.

Sunday, T was very, very sad. After seeing S, he just feared that we will never have a child. He is convinced that a birthmother will never choose us. I understand that fear. But in the history of every social worker that we've spoken to about adoption, they have never had a waiting family not have a child placed. Sometimes it takes a while, but it always happens. Why would we be the first to not have it happen? But seeing little S walk and talk and sing and dance and be busy as all 2-year-olds do, it made him deeply sad about what we are missing and for how long we've been missing it. It makes me so sad to see him that sad.

AF has arrived with a vengeance. I've felt gross all day, and my bleeding seems pretty heavy. I went on the pill right after the miscarriage, so I'm not sure all of the lining was shed because I get very light periods on the pill. Not this one, though. I should have a nice, fresh lining for the donor cycle in a couple of weeks, I guess. Hopefully that's a good thing.

Going back to work is good. It keeps us busy and less depressed. The Sox took 2 of 3 from the Yankees this weekend, and the weather is supposed to perk up at the end of the week. Tomorrow we both have plans separately, and we will have our Seder this weekend at my parents' house. We are trying to make a date to really work on our adoption application. Busy is good.


Susan said...

That is wonderful about you and your family raising a lot of funds for MS!! Sorry about the sunburn. They were calling for rain here also and it turned out to be a beautiful day. I feel like you do that you will have a baby. I just have a very good feeling about it. The whole waiting thing is for the birds though. I hope AF goes away soon.

niobe said...

I know I sometimes find it hard when I see twin babies that I imagine could have been mine. As I imagine it must with T, it just makes the whole thing more real and underlines what you're missing.

I'm not trying to be Pollyanna here, but I would imagine that many, many mothers making adoption plans would be glad to place their babies with you. You're young, you have a house, you have careers, and, most importantly, I'm sure that the love you have to give to a child will be obvious in all your communications.

And, who knows? The next cycle might just be the one. (If this all sounds too optimistic, just ignore it)

Evil Stepmonster said...

Congrats on raising so much money!

Best wishes for this cycle. A fresh new lining is good. Busy is also good.

scarredbellybutton said...

Well done on raising so much on the walk, that's wonderful!

I can't imagine a birthmother NOT choosing you.