Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Cycling

It's been a while since I cycled, but now I see why taking some time off is so relaxing. Not that I didn't see it before, but all of those months of cycling really comes back to you when you haven't done it for a while. I'm obsessively feeling myself up, I'm thinking about when I can POAS, and from moment to moment I change my mind about whether I think I could be pregnant or whether I think there's no way I'm pregnant or whether there is just absolutely no way to tell. I've been in all of those places for the last three days. Today is 10dpo. This is a natural cycle. Even if I am pregnant, the chance of miscarriage is very, very high. I'm trying really hard not to be hopeful, but I am finding it difficult. It's amazing that no matter how much I go through, I definitely have a little spot inside of me that hopes for a miracle that a pregnancy might work out. But we see it all the time -- miracle pregnancies. There are certainly plenty of people with balanced translocations who have had children conceived the old fashioned way. It's not unheard of. I know bt people whose first pregnancy was a successful pregnancy. Why couldn't it happen? It could.

But I also know how dangerous hope is. Hope leads to disappointment. Hope leads to depression and desperation. Hope can come crashing down on you and make you feel like you can't try again. And yet we have to.

So right now, I'm just deciding when to POAS. I think I will do it on Friday.

4 comments:

The Town Criers said...

How can you not be hopeful when what ifs exist? I'm sending you peace of heart tonight. And maybe luck to go with the hope.

ultimatejourney said...

I was going to say the same thing as Mel -- how can you not be hopeful? Miracles happen. Wouldn't it be ironic if you ended up with a healthy pregnancy on your own after everything you've been through. But what an amazing gift! Best wishes.

Trace said...

I COULD happen!! Don't you just want to kick that darn Hope in the gut?

niobe said...

I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to get your hopes up. Because, far too often, what goes up, well, you know.