Saturday, August 08, 2009

freaking out a little

We didn't sleep very well last night. We're nervous.

My brother and SIL are going to bring over furniture in a few days. We picked out (finally) some crib sheets (why are so many baby things BROWN?) and got a car seat. We were at B@b1es.r.Us looking at crib sheets and we bought one to make sure it went with the paint in the room and we went to the clearance table and we saw a little fall sleeper outfit and I allowed myself to buy it. It was organic cotton and expensive, but I just wanted to buy one little baby thing in the baby store. So I did it. T was really afraid to -- even more than me. But we bought it. It's in the house. We have an item of baby clothes in the house. I can't believe it.

(Here is the fitted crib sheet we're going to use.)


(Here are the clothes. It also has a wearable cotton blanket thingy that has a cowboy motif.)


My mom wanted to know when she could tell my aunts and uncles. I told her after the revocation papers were signed -- when we leave the hospital with the baby. I don't want to tell them before, just in case.

I just feel like I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I got a gift for the expectant mom. The order for the gift we wanted for the expectant dad got canceled, so we have to go to a store and buy it. We need to do that soon -- hopefully tomorrow or something.

I wish I could calm the f*ck down, but I can't. My mind is just racing. I'm trying to breathe, but I can't. I can't even focus on the Sox/Yankees series. The Sox are playing like crap anyway. I'm just playing video games on my iPhone to pass the time.

I'll close with the adorable alpaca we saw in VT. Alpacas just rule. See the hay stuck to his face? See how he's too fluffy to have eyes? How freaking cute is this thing!?!?

It's scary to see that I'm allowing myself to believe that this whole thing might come to pass very soon. I am allowing myself to believe it just a little. It is the single most frightening thing that has happened to me in a really, really long time.

13 comments:

niobe said...

It is awfully scary to imagine that something that you want so much might possible really happen. Especially when you've been through so much. Thinking of you.

Almamay said...

Lovely, lovely Rachel. It must be terrifying. Well done getting a baby outfit. It's hard. You are being very brave. Lots of love. xoxox

Kelly said...

This is scary stuff, and it's okay to feel that way! Hang in there and take care of yourself and your DH. Love the crib sheet, by the way!

luna said...

wow, rachel! so exciting! this is a really exciting and frightening time, I know. it's also really wonderful. wishing you all well!

Robin said...

I think it's wonderful that you've decided to allow yourself a few little things. I know you're afraid, but this is the right thing to do now. Move forward with confidence and hope..(easier said than done, I know)

Hang in there..

Robin said...

Oh, and I love the crib sheet. Now go back to the store and buy three more just like it. You'll need extras!

Michelle said...

I'm sending some Zen vibes your way... and truly hoping everything works out for you guys.

Mountain Girl said...

I love the baby stuff - you have good taste! :-) I think I would be somewhat guarded in your situation...but, I really hope it all works out!

Susanne said...

Motherhood is in itself scary! Not to mention, the fear of the unknown, wondering if this will really happen, and letting your heart open up praying every second that by doing so it won't be hurt is a real scary thing!

A good friend of mine said after both of our adoptions were done..."We survived it." You will too. When it is all said and done and you are holding your baby home in your arms, you will realize just how much this was all supposed to be.

singletracey said...

I am back from vacation and was so happy that things were moving forward still.. I can't believe that it could be THIS WEEK!

Anyway, you are in my thoughts.. please keep us posted because I will be on pins and needles with you ~

hope548 said...

I'm glad you had a relaxing trip! I know it is so scary. I remember the countdown and the nervousness. You don't want to think about it too much, yet you can't think of anything else. It great that she reassured you they are confident in their decision, but I totally understand your reluctance to totally give into the happiness. We had a very similar situation. I hope to read more happy news from you soon!

Valerie said...

Thinking of you, I love the little outfit you got and the crib sheet. You are being brave, it is scary and hard but you will get through it.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I can't imagine being calm amid such emotion, such hugeness. Roll with it. Write through it. Just sending good thoughts and peace of heart.