Sunday, January 11, 2009


I have now talked to 3 of the references for this facilitator we are thinking of using. I've been trying to come up with a reason not to use her. I didn't really find one.

What T and I are truly worried about is not that this facilitator is good or thorough or ethical. I am certain about all of these things. Our concern surrounds birth parents. I want to be completely 100% sure that the birth parents get all the support and counseling they will need when all of this happens. If you work with a full service agency, the birth parents work with the same people throughout the whole process and things are slightly more stable. There is a specific process that the agency has done time and again.

With a facilitator, the birth parents rely on the facilitator for support. At a certain point, after the match is made the facilitator drops back and transitions us to an agency (or attorney, I suppose). What scares me is this transition. It may take some extra effort on our end do make sure the birth parents have the support they need at this point. I talked to one family that hired a local social worker to work with their birth mom to ensure proper support. This social worker knew the are and knew the hospital, and it really helped things to go smoothly.

The people I spoke to all had multiple children - two had multiple children via adoption. Not all children had been found via this facilitator. And every child's story is so different. There were complications even when they used a full service agency.

I've determined from talking to these people that no matter what, adoption is a crap shoot. You just never know how the situation is going to play out. You cannot predict. If I have an idea of how I think this is going to go, I have to get that out of my mind. And if a facilitator makes the match happen slightly more quickly, but forces us to do a little more work, the first time is the time to do it.

So, the conclusion that we have come to is that we are probably going to use this facilitator. It is a big commitment of money, but we're not sure what else to do. It has been three years since my first pregnancy. People are starting to have their second child since we have been battling infertility. It is time for this to end for us. I do think using this facilitator is a bit of a risk. But I have not been convinced that this is a risk we should not take.

Does anyone want to try to convince me not to do it?


Kara said...

Listen to your gut, I totally believe in women's intuition. Is there any way to get a reference for the facilitator?

I think you hit the main point - every case is different. It's as if IF isn't enough of a roller coaster and seems awfully unfair.


Kara said...

OMG - I just re-read your post and I see that you have already recieved references. I am in a tyelonol cold and sinus induced fog. I guess I should'nt be blogging while medicated.

Sorry - :-(

Anonymous said...

You have done your homework and looked into references and spoken to people, and can't find any reason not to go with her, I say go for it. If something comes up that you are not comfortable with, then maybe look at another option. You haven't found anything bad about the facilitator yet and we all know bad feedback spreads like wildfire.

All situations are different, there is no right or wrong way to go about this because of that. Each situation is treated differently.

Melba said...

I agree that you have to listen to your gut and trust your feelings on this one. It sounds as though you have taken the time to educate yourself on what will be best for you and that's pretty much all you can do. You hit the nail on the head with your comment about how unpredictable this whole thing is, it can be very unsettling at times.

We are using an agency, and in our case it honestly just "felt" we knew we were in the right place. I've read tons of books and done research too, but in the end my gut feelings were what helped me make the final decision. Good luck!


Anonymous said...

I think all you can do is go with your gut.

Natalie said...

I don't have any advice, I'm clueless about all of what you are going through. :/ Like Kara said... listen to your gut.

Anonymous said...

Facilitators aren't legal where I live, so we never looked into using one and I don't know much about them or how they work.

The one thing that bothers me about them, is that they require so much money up front. That would make me very, very uncomfortable.

We signed up with an adoption "consultant" and also with an agency. We were matched via our consultant after about two months. The consultant wasn't very expensive in the grand scheme of things ($1800) and the app fee with the agency was minimal. If we'd waited much longer, we would've signed up with more agencies. Our approach was: get as much coverage as possible while incurring as little financial risk as possible.

I won't try to talk you out of the facilitator b/c couples have awesome experiences with them all of the time - I just don't know much about them. And it sounds like this particular one is v. good. I was just telling you the path that we took :)

Good luck! It's all very exciting!

niobe said...

If you're still going back and forth about it, although I know you've already talked to a number of people, one thing I might think about doing is to talk/email/read stuff by as many people as possible who've either used or considered using a facilitator (not this particular one, but just facilitators in general). Maybe you could even find or post something on a board/site that would give you a birthparent's perspective.

Although, as you say, every situation is unique, when I'm faced with a decision, I like to get as many points of view as possible, so, even if I don't change my mind, I feel that I've gotten all the information I can. But maybe that's just me.

beagle said...

I say follow your gut.

Also, FWIW, in our case, we did use the agency just for the reasons you described, and our birthfamily did not partake in any of the support/counselling/etc. Not that that means anything either way, but I don't think I'd make that my #1 reason to choose an agency over another route.

I would however want to know (as much as this is possible) that the expectant women/couples are being "found" for lack of a better word, ethically and treated fairly and with respect. (and it sounds like you feel OK about that part.)

I hope that helps in some way.

My only other assivce is that I've always seen the whole thing, whether it's IVF or being chosen to adopt a child, as a game of chance to some degree. So, put your money and your heart where you feel you'll have the best chance for the outcome you want.

I too would like to see this end for you and life begin again!

Hang in there.