I have no idea what's going on

The only real life woman who I discuss my pregnancy stuff with is E. She has dealt with difficulty getting pregnant and miscarriage, so she understands this kind of stuff. She is busy with her baby now, but she definitely tries to find time to talk and listen and commiserate. So, I told her about the BFP and then the BFN. She called to ask how I was doing with all this information, and I said I was feeling okay. I was mostly concerned with how this is going to delay the IVF and how that sucked. I knew that there was a chance of delay when we decided to ttc this month, but I figured it would be for more than a chemical.

Then I got to talking about how I hadn't started bleeding yet and how today was 18 dpo. I also have been taking my bbt the past few days and today my temp was the same as yesterday, so I knew I wouldn't be bleeding again today. I told her that if I didn't bleed by Tuesday I would still go in for that HCG blood test so we could figure out what was going on. She thought that was a good idea. We talked about my symptoms (none, really except my b00bs are ever-so-slightly sore) and she asked if there is any way I thought I could be pregnant. I said that I guess the test could have been wrong or something. Then her baby woke up and she hung up.

Then T and I started talking about it more. It was weird that it was 18 dpo and I had a negative pregnancy test but no bleeding. It was weird that I had a negative pregnancy test and my temp was still above the 'cover line'. This whole situation was weird. He asked if I really thought that pregnancy test could have been wrong. I said that if I took it, it should be positive now, since the ones I have are very sensitive. We though about it. Maybe I should take another one, just in case. So we figured, what the hell? I'll just pee on one more stick.

BFP.

You tell me what is going on.
I guess I'm going in for that HCG test on Tuesday.

False alarm

I'm not pregnant. My bbt dropped so I took another test and it came up a bfn. I probably had a chemical. The line was really light, anyway.

I feel so insane!

Is it wrong if I just forget this ever happened? I'm going to start the pill as soon as a bleed. The biggest problem is I called the OB for my blood test already. I told T I wanted to wait until Tuesday! This is exactly why. Argh! It's amazing how much processing my brain can do in just 24 hours.

I guess I can just tell the OB that I was overzealous. It's really not that far off.

I hope all of this doesn't affect the IVF. I don't think it should.

Oy.

Doing betas

T convinced me to have betas. I'm having blood taken on Tuesday and Thursday.

That way I can sort of calm down, or else drink myself into oblivion in Mexico.

I also might pee on another stick.

I'm trying to not be insane, but it doesn't stop. Still feeling twinges. Thought I might feel a little nausea earlier, but I also think I might be making the whole thing up in my head.

I hope this is good, though.

BFP

Well, it's true. I'm pregnant.

I'm in such denial. T wants me to have blood tests to see if my HCG numbers are doubling. I'm afraid to do that. I don't want to have a D&C and I don't want to walk around knowing I've miscarried and waiting for it to take care of itself.

We are going to Mexico on Jan 9. Do I need to do anything before then? Do I have to do anything special while I'm there? I hope I don't have some sort of medical emergency while I'm there.

I'm sort of freaking out about this. Our IVF will definitely be delayed. I know that sounds kind of stupid, but I just feel so sure that this pregnancy won't work out. I know there is a chance that it will, but I just can't have any hope about it right now. I'm kind of in denial about it.

I really don't have many symptoms. I feel some twinges. My b00bs are only very slightly sore. I'm a little more tired than usual, I think. But maybe I'm just making it all up.

I guess I have to call the OB at some point. I figure that by Tuesday I'll be ready to do it. That makes sense, right?

POAS crazy

So I stopped at the pharmacy because the BFN was the last pg test in the house. I went to peeonastick.com to see which was best. I bought the CVS brand 3 pack. Anyway, not being able to wait until morning, I used it. What came up was a very, very faint positive. VERY faint. So I guess I'm going to POAS again in the morning. Why you ask? I must refer you to peeonastick.com.

I'm still not convinced I'm pregnant. I really think this is a chemical and that I will start bleeding soon. I have decided that if I bleed before Tuesday I'm going to pretend that this never happened and start the pill the day I start bleeding so we can go ahead with our IVF protocol as scheduled.

If I don't bleed before Tuesday, I will need to make an appointment with an OB to figure out what's going on.

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas!

Strange stuff

So, I was expecting af Sunday or Monday. I'm not charting, so that may have been on the early side, but I was expecting something. Nothing happened, so I decided to POAS. I have one of those tests that says 'Pregnant' or 'Not Pregnant' and it came up a BFN. But looking at the lines, there was definitely a light second line.

I have no symptoms, save some uterine twinges. I can't imagine that I'm pg. But still no af. I guess it's still a little early. If nothing happens tomorrow I'm going to have to POAS on Thursday.

This is all so weird.

Delays again

In order to proceed with our IVF cycle, we have to have 'genetic counseling' with someone from our PGD lab. The lab closes on Friday until the new year. We are away (yay!) from January 9-January 16. Therefore, the next available phone appointment is on January 25, 2007. Therefore, things are delayed again. I suppose it's only by just over a week, but we have been trying to get this going since October and it feels like forever.

But I'll go on the pill as soon as af comes, and then I'll start the injectibles after this 'counseling' session. The annoying this is, this 45 min phone call is simply going to tell us what PGD does. We *know* what it does, but of course they have to go over this so we can't claim we didn't know that our PGD probe couldn't screen for trisomy 21. Feh.

So, I'm trying to relax knowing we're going to start in just over a month. But me and relaxation don't go together so well. This is why we need a vacation.

Probe is a go

I got a call today from my RE's office that the PGD probe is ready. So, they're ready to check a biopsied embryo. So, we're able to start the IVF. But I'm mid-2ww/waiting for af right now, and we truly won't be able to start until after our vacation. But at least I know we can start right after vacation. I hope I remember everything from my injection lesson. I can have a refresher online, I know. And I hope I understand my protocol. I see all the IFers out there knowing exactly what's going on with their drugs and whatnot, and I feel clueless. I know I'll have a lot of support from my PGD coordinator, but it still seems kinda scary.

Anyway, I have needles to look forward to when we get back from out trip.

I am so looking forward to going away to sun and warmth. Actually, it's been uncharacteristically warm here in New England, but I'm still looking forward to going away.

Time to make dinner.

Ups and Downs

I've started my new job. It's fine. The commute can't be beat, the people are nice, and I'm trusted to do work on my own. The work that we're doing is well respected and beneficial to families and society. These are all good things for me. But I'm having a crisis of faith in myself, I guess. I may have mentioned this before, but I just sometimes feel like I wasted my brain with my work life. If I were still a teacher, I don't think I would feel this way. But I just don't feel like I have a career. I feel like I'm just pushing paper around. The people who were doing the work that I am taking over are just SO excited to get rid of it. I feel like they're dumping all of the shit work on me. When I took this job, I knew I would have to do this work, but I guess I'm just not feeling that good about it or something. T tells me that in a few months after this paperwork is all straightened out that things will be better. Perhaps that is true. But I just kind of feel like shit about the work that I do. I mean, I could have a PhD or a law degree or something. Granted, I didn't want to do these things. I could have stayed with my database work instead of becoming a teacher and be a programmer and moving up on that latter, but I'm not. I didn't want to work in the for-profit world, so I left. I don't regret my teaching. I just regret no longer being a teacher. Why don't I go back? Well, I was miserable when I was a teacher. So I left. I was happy at my last job that was like this one, so maybe I just need to give it some time. I just sort of feel like crap about it. I feel like a glorified secretary. I'm worried that I'm going to have to take meeting minutes. I can't take meeting minutes. I suck at that.

Maybe I'm just lazy and don't want to work hard.

Trying

So, it's about my fertile time already, so I guess we're going to ttc this month. It's weird. I'm not charting, but I have taken my temp a little. It seems weird. But, if it works, then we'll be in a good place. And if it doesn't work, we're in the same place we are now (minus a few thousand dollars that we paid to the PGD clinic which will probably not refunded by our health insurance).

E came over last week with baby S. He's 5 months now and pretty huge. He's a really good baby -- hardly cries and it is easy to figure out what he wants when he's fussy. He doesn't nap particularly well, only about 45 min at a time, but sleeps reasonably well at night if he's swaddled. He rolled over one time, but one time only. As I was talking to him, and I suppose teasing him or asking him in silly baby talk about these things, you know, trying to encourage him to roll over and in a silly voice asking him why he doesn't sleep longer, E seemed to take offense and say, kiddingly, "Hey! Stop judging my kid!" I was shocked. I didn't mean anything by these statements. I didn't feel like I was judging him. But I guess I have to be more careful about what I say. I just was sort of teasing, I guess. I only want what's best for him, and I do think he's a really good baby. This sort of freaked me out. I've decided to ignore it for the most part, but I really don't need to be alienated from them even more. I'm trying really, really hard not to grow apart from them. It's getting more and more difficult for me, and I don't want something like this to drive a wedge between us. So I guess I just have to be more careful. It bums me out a little because there are few people where I really don't feel I need to edit myself, but I guess this isn't the case. E is doing a great job with S, and he is a happy, healthy and really good baby.

E is a little paranoid, though. While I was doing the throw the baby in the air thing (not really throwing, but lifting him up and loosening my grip a little) and little S was squealing with delight and really, really laughing, she said she was worried about shaken baby syndrome. Oy.

I go to work tomorrow. So crazy. It's just orientation, so it really won't tell me anything about whether I'll like my job or not. But at least I'm going to get paid again.

Here comes another 2ww, I suppose.

Stopped the pill

So, since everything is far off from happening, I spoke to my PGD coordinator at our IVF place and we decided together that I should go off the pill for a month. I was sick of the spotting and think it was affecting my moods, so I wanted out. She agreed with me, and the timing wouldn't change at all whether I was on or off the pill. We will not do a cycle until mid-January, and the thought of being on the pill continuously until then sent me into a tizzy. So, I'm off, af came and went, and I am in a much better place. E told me about an acquaintance who is pg, and that made me cry, so I'm not at quite 100%, but I definitely feel better. I think we'll sneak in the ttc stuff this month too. Might as well, right? If it works, we get out of IVF. If it doesn't work at all, things will go forward as planned. If I end up with another mc, it will probably delay things for about 6-12 weeks. I think it might be worth it.

T has been sick for a week. He's been home with me, which is nice, but he's been sick, which sucks. He's slowly getting better, but it can be tough to put up with a sicky for that long. He's also had tons of work to do, so he's been working from home. I've been domestic. I shortened some pants, made a draft stopper that matches our throw pillows and am working on curtains for our bedroom. The sewing machine is getting a workout.

Oh, and I also have a job. I start on Monday the 11th of December. I'm definitely glad to have some place to go -- I'm ready to not be home anymore and to get 'distracted' from all of my over thinking. I think this is a good job. It's doing good works -- research on autistic kids -- and the people there are definitely 'my kind' of people. So, I hope it's a better choice than my last job. It should be. And the commute is amazing. It's driving, but it's less than 10 minutes away, which is incredible. So, I'm not excited about the job per se, but I think it will be good. I hope it will be good. The last thing I need is another crappy job.

I guess I best be getting back to sewing.